Argue With Your Teenager

Kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder are "unconventional," and they need "unconventional" parenting strategies.

How do I know whether or not I have an "unconventional" child who will need to be parented using "unconventional" parenting strategies?

Please review the following statements. Are they true for you rarely, sometimes or frequently?

1. I have a hard time saying "no" to my child.

2. When I say "no' to my child, "no" eventually becomes a "maybe" which eventually becomes a "yes".

3. I have blamed myself for my child's misbehavior.

4. I sometimes feel guilty about my parenting (e.g., "I haven't done enough" or "I haven't done a very good job").

5. I often feel distant from my child.

6. I feel that my child has no appreciation for all I've done for him/her.

7. I try to be my kid's "friend."

8. I sometimes feel sorry for my child.

9. I have 'gone off' on my kid ...then out of feelings of guilt, I let him have his way.

10. My kid uses guilt-trips on me a lot.

11. My kid usually gets his way in the long run.

12. He can be verbally/physically aggressive.

13. She refuses to do any chores.

14. He is very manipulative.

15. I feel guilty because of having to work and not being able to spend enough time with my kid.

16. I feel sorry for the kid because of divorce or an abandoning father/mother.

17. I don't want my kids to have to go through what I went through.

18. My kid is in charge (the tail is wagging the dog).

19. My kid feels entitled to privileges, but not responsible for his actions.

20. She does not get along well with authority figures.

21. He believes the rules do not apply to him.

22. She is resentful about something that happened in the past.

23. He has attention-deficit problems too.

Do these phrases describe your kid's behavior fairly accurately?

1. Often loses temper

2. Often argues with adults

3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. Often deliberately annoys people

5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. Is often angry and resentful

8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

9. Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others

10. Often initiates physical fights

11. Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others

12. Physically cruel to animals

13. Physically cruel to people

14. Has stolen other's property

15. Has broken into someone else's house, building or car

16. Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid work

17. Often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions

18. Has run away from home overnight without returning home for a lengthy period

19. Often skips school

If most of these statements are true for you and your child, then you will (a) benefit from using a set of "unconventional" parenting strategies, and (b) make a bad problem worse if you don't.

Most parents who have kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder are therapy-drunk. What I mean is their child has been in anger-management therapy for his violent outbursts, the family has had family therapy in order to develop conflict management skills, mom and dad have had couples therapy (or marital counseling) to resolve communication problems, mom has had individual psychotherapy for her depression. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You don't need any more therapy!

I find that when parents have a few simple parenting-tools in dealing with the out-of-control teen, they actually do a much better job of influencing him/her to change his behavior than a judge, probation officer, cop, counselor, psychotherapist, etc.

Can I give you an idea real quick? A change agent is someone who influences another person to make some improvements in his behavior. You can learn how to be the change agent -- and you'll do a much better job than others because you're the kid's parent, and you will see him/her nearly every day as long as he/she continues to live at your house. A therapist would only have about 12 hours of "influence time" if he/she were doing "family therapy" with you and your kid ...you will have thousands of hours of influence time.

You managed your child up until he/she reached puberty. Then your kid fired you as the manager and said, "I'll take over from here." The best you can do now is to be re-hired as a consultant.

You can't control your kid, but you can influence him or her. And if the parent fails to influence the child, the world will CONTROL the child -- and the world is not concerned about what is right or fair.

Know that your child WILL resist any parenting changes you implement. For a while, it may seem as though things are getting worse. This is because your child is adjusting to the changes you make. But don't be fooled!!! Your oppositional child will try very hard to make you believe that your parenting changes are not working and that your discipline has no effect.

No Half Measures! --

When parents implement "unconventional" parenting strategies, the change cycle looks something like this:

1. Initially, things get worse (i.e., your kid does not like your new parenting strategies and begins to act-out even more)

2. After a few weeks, problems between parent and child eventually occur less

frequently, but with the same intensity (e.g., instead of five heated arguments a week, there are only two)

3. Problems between parent and child occur less frequently AND with less

intensity (e.g., only one argument a week that is not very heated)

Will problems go away totally -- and stay away forever? No. But problems are likely to occur with less frequency and severity over time. And you will be able to cope better due to a reduction in your stress-level.

You literally have the toughest job in the world, because you are helping with the development of a human being (your child). And humans are the most complex things on earth - more complicated than computers (after all, humans created computers), more complicated than spacecraft (after all, humans created space craft). And humans are especially complicated when they are teenagers with oppositional defiant tendencies. So this week when you begin to doubt yourself or feel discouraged or feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that this is not an easy job for anyone.

For more information on "unconventional" parenting strategies, please visit http://www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mark Hutten, M.A., is a family therapist and a probation officer who works with teens and pre-teens experiencing emotional/behavioral problems associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder. He works with these children and their parents ? in their homes. You may visit his website here: http://www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com/sl

Is your child constantly defying you and making you ashamed and failing as a parent? Have you live with a day without a single peaceful moment because your child is simply not listening, arguing, talking back, fighting, throwing tantrums, blaming and the list goes on? Is your marriage turning sour because of constant arguments with your spouse over your defiant child?

Oppositional Defiant Disorder Child Robbing Your Life

You should know better than anyone else about your situation at home. Having a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder or commonly known as ODD, is simply no joke and stressful. His teacher wants to talk to you about his behavior, your neighbors shut their doors and shy away from your child and the school bus driver refuses to pick him anymore.

Being a great parent, you had tried your very best to speak to your defiant child to improve his behavior. All the time. Day in day out,weeks and months pass by. It seems that all advise had fallen into deaf ears. Both ears! You don't seem to able to grasp the right parenting method. You get tired and wished to get out of the house to get some fresh air. You had lost your patience. Relatives are passing hurtful remarks. The matter is taking away you from your daily work and chores and you find it harder to concentrate due to poor quality sleep. The adorable baby which you cradle in your arms few years ago had grown into a defiant monster!

Unacceptable Resolutions

You had considered sending your child to psychologist for treatment but accumulated clinic hours are going to be very costly. Some ODD child may have even completed the treatment but shows no improvement. Time, effort and money wasted.

How about resorting to medication which controls behavior? Would usage of medicine cause dangerous side effects? You are not willing to accept.

You felt like GIVING UP your oppositional defiant disorder child! Simply let him outgrow it! Question: Possible? Answer: Highly unlikely. A defiant child is likely to grow into a defiant teenager!

How To Improve Your Child's Behavior?

That's exactly the name of a program you can opt for! Program designed by Anthony Kane, it consist of 14 weeks step-by-step video program to train parents on How to Improve Your Child's Behavior. It isn't complicated to parent. You just need to learn how. At least, it is the last resort you can opt for your ODD child. This program promises you unconditional 110% satisfaction money back guarantee! Find out more about How to Improve Your Child's Behavior. Looks like you have nothing to lose but to look forward to a well-behaved and respectful child soon.

Take crucial action and get How to Improve Your Child's Behavior program children without having to resort to costly clinical therapy or dangerous medications. Effective and long lasting results when you can manage your ODD child all on your own.

Justina Wang is the founder of www.mumsafari.com which offers articles on Parenting Kids and kids related topics along with her wide range of ebooks from getting pregnant to babies, kids and parenting.

Do you ever feel as if your relationship with your child has become one long, drawn-out (and exhausting) power struggle? If you're in this situation, it probably seems like you simply progress from  nagging your child over dirty laundry on the floor in the morning to arguing over bedtime at night. As they get older, power struggles get more entrenched as your child pushes against the rules: they start asking for things like the keys to the car and permission to go to all-night parties, "because all their friends' parents said 'yes.'"

Power is one of the strategies people use to get their needs and wants met. As children grow, you will see them trying to gain power in order to get more autonomy and control over their lives. When your child was an infant, you had almost all the power. He communicated that he was hungry or uncomfortable by crying; that was the only power he had. As your child grew older, he took on more responsibility-and with more responsibility came more power. He learned to pick up after himself, and he also learned that refusing to do chores gave him some power. He learned to do his homework-and refusing to do it also gave him power. Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative power: it's simply power with positive or negative ends.

There are many things in life that are empowering. Certainly information, knowledge and communication skills are empowering in a constructive way. And also sadly, violence, abuse, and threats can be empowering in a destructive way. If kids learn the latter lesson at any point in their development, they can become entrenched in a way of behaving where they use acting out, threats and verbal abuse to get what they want. I personally believe this is a dangerous path for kids to start heading down, and encourage parents to take this behavior very seriously when it first develops.

You vs. Your Child: Perception is Everything

Know that when kids engage in power struggles with you, although it may feel like they're trying to control you, generally they don't think of it this way. They just feel like whatever is going on isn't fair-or that it's not their fault. In fact, they probably aren't even aware they're testing your power. They see it as, "I don't want to clean my room now. I just want to watch T.V." Or "You're old fashioned, you just don't understand."

And that's their actual perception-most of the time they're really seeing it that way. Most children and teens don't perceive life the same way their adult parents do. As adults, we often mistakenly think kids see the same picture we do, so we might wonder "What's the problem?" when they start arguing with us. But most kids don't have the adult ability to perceive the totality of what's going on. And not only are they developmentally immature, but there are certain obstacles that can block them from developing that awareness in an age-appropriate manner. There may be diagnosed (or undiagnosed) learning disabilities, which cause distortions in their thinking. The end result is that they become willing to fight everyone and everything in order to get their way.

Teenagers especially see the world very differently than parents. While parents are concerned about safety and want their kids to avoid doing high risk things, teens may feel as if they're being held back from doing things that appear reasonable and legitimate to them. This becomes even more complex when kids discover that some of their peers are allowed to do the things they are not.

So teens can develop a way of looking at some of their parents' decisions as unfair. That perception fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant power struggles with you. For example, you decide you don't want your teen to go to a party if there's no adult supervision. Your teenager just wants to go to the same party her friends are attending-she doesn't have any thoughts at all about adult supervision or risk. When you bring it up, she thinks you're old fashioned or out of touch-and the conflict starts there.

For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying (in fact, you'll probably feel you're saying the same things over and over) but kids need to find ways to challenge adult authority appropriately. And by appropriately I mean not cursing, verbally abusing or personally attacking you. By the way, if the challenge is appropriate, parents need to learn how to respond with an open mind.

Not What You Might Think: The Goal is not to Take Power Struggles Away

It surprises many parents when I say that we don't want to take all power struggles away. Rather, we want to take the defiance out of the power struggle. This is because as kids go through their developmental stages, they need to challenge their parents appropriately in order to get more autonomy. And parents, in turn, need to teach their kids that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability. Children are looking to be more independent and make more decisions, but they should not be allowed to argue in an abusive, hurtful or obnoxious way. Here's the bottom line: kids have to learn how to have power struggles with their parents in a way that is not a personal attack.

Look at it this way: when a police officer pulls you over, if you don't agree that you've made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a power struggle with him. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won't get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explain your position. Whether or not he still gives you a ticket, you've been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn't get you into more trouble, and might in fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want kids to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy-without getting them into more trouble.

So know that it's normal for kids, and especially teens, to get into power struggles. That testing, pushing and challenging of your authority, no matter how difficult to deal with at times, is your child's job. As he matures, his goal is to separate and individuate from you-to form his own opinions and feelings about things. Part of that process includes the desire for more power and control over his life; your goal is to make sure he tests those boundaries without being abusive or threatening.

Often, parents don't want to expand a child's circle of control over his own life as fast as the child would like. At the same time, kids want more control. So parents are constantly pushing against that wall to hold it steady, while the child is pushing back from the other side. Certainly, by the time kids are 13, 14, 15 or 16, they're questioning the rules you've set for them. They're pounding on that wall with a sledgehammer, asking, "Why can't I go to the concert? Why can't I wear make-up? Why can't I borrow the car tonight?" Their confrontation of your limits becomes stronger and stronger as they get older. So defiant power struggles can increase in frequency and intensity unless parents know how to manage them.

Why It's a Mistake to Give in to Defiant Power Struggles

Almost all kids become increasingly resistant to parental authority as they grow older. For many kids, that resistance is acted out in socially acceptable ways. But some kids really get entrenched in power struggles. They become defiant, not just resistant. Their most common answer is "No, I'm not going to do it." When you tell them there will be consequences, they'll tell you they don't care.

For those kids who learn that defiance helps them get their way, you'll see their urge to become defiant grow stronger and stronger. A typical trap many parents fall into is developing a pattern of giving in as the child wears them down. After that, any time the parents resist, the kid thinks, "Well, if I push a little more, then they'll give in." And so the child can escalate forever. In effect, the child is confronting the boundaries you've created, and will keep confronting them until they no longer exist...

The truth is, you really can't win with somebody who's got nothing to lose-you'll just end up losing more and more of your own power. For parents in the situation where things have gotten to a point where the child is abusive and aggressive, I recommend that they seek some professional help. Because that pattern can be stopped and it can be changed. You don't have to be stuck in that forever, you just need to learn how to deal with it. In my opinion, what these kids really need to learn is that defiance doesn't solve their problem; defiance doesn't get them what they want in the first place. And if parents don't teach them this lesson when they're young, these kids will certainly find out later when they're dealing with the school system, their employer, the police or their spouse.

Let me be clear: both the child who is mildly resistant to authority and the defiant, acting out child need to be empowered with problem solving skills to learn how to communicate effectively in the many situations life presents. I think that this particular training for adult life should start very early. Believe me, you can't walk into your boss's office and say, "This stinks, I'm not going to do it, you're a jerk," and expect to have your needs met. Kids need to learn how to negotiate and advocate for themselves in order to gain power, and they need to do it in an appropriate way-a way which doesn't get them into trouble and doesn't make the problem worse.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.

Your defiant child has just created another huge upset. You're still reeling from yet another mean and nasty fight, and once again you let him suck you into the battle and say things you wish you hadn't said, despite your resolve to stay calm. He's stormed out of the house, and part of you almost wishes he would just stay the hell away, while part of you is broken-hearted, wondering what happened to the nice kid you used to know. What happened to the child you lovingly raised and sacrificed for and tried to teach right and wrong and proper values and respect for the rights and feelings of others? What went wrong?

As children become pre-adolescents, then adolescents and teenagers, part of their developmental course is to learn to make more of their own decisions on the way to becoming more independent and as they try to figure out their place in the world. As a part of all that, a certain drawing away from their parents is natural and desirable. Conflicts between parent and child are all but inevitable, but in most families the level of conflict and rebellion and upset doesn't get out of hand.

Sometimes, though, your teen's rebellion and anger in response to the natural conflict and tension escalates, and you end up with a child who is always angry, and who becomes some combination of sullen, withdrawn, sarcastic, disrespectful, truant from school, rule-breaking, spiteful, vindictive, unkind and defiant, among other things.

These are the kids who have developed "Oppositional Defiant Disorder". They consistently refuse to follow requests or commands. They often lose their temper, argue and defy. They get annoyed easily, and don't take responsibility for their own actions-everything is always somebody or something else's fault. They're stubborn, they test limits, they're manipulative.

These attitudes and behaviors usually don't occur alone. Very often learning disorders; ADD or ADHD; or mood disorders such as anxiety, depression or bipolar disorder are present. It's important to have your child evaluated-you need to know the full picture to have a better shot at successfully dealing with the situation.

Based on the evaluation, several treatment approaches may be considered.

If anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD or ADHD are present, medication is often used, although it should be mentioned that there is more and more controversy about the use of Ritalin and anti-depressants.
Many authorities believe that "Parent Management Training", or "PMT" is the most effective treatment. PMT programs attempt to teach parents better parenting skills, especially how to look for reasons to praise and reinforce positive behavior, while ignoring negative behaviors, where appropriate. Parents are also taught that they don't have to join every battle.
Individual therapy for your defiant teen isn't often very helpful, but family therapy can be useful.
In extreme cases, boarding school may be the answer. There are plenty of variations-military school, "Therapeutic Boarding School", "Residential Boarding School", "Boot Camps", and so forth.

There is lots of information available on the web, at the library, and in the bookstore. There are hundreds of books, and dozens of comprehensive CD, DVD, and web-based programs. A few hours research will turn up plenty of information to get you started. Unless you actually are a terrible, abusive parent, and your child is acting out his rage, your angry teen probably isn't your fault. Some kids just somehow never got through the "terrible twos", according to one theory. Statistically (and thankfully), most kids eventually get through it, and grow up to be responsible and productive adults.

Bob Harvey enjoys writing on health and family issues, and also enjoys uncovering existing resources and helping give them wider distribution. For lots more free information on "Angry Teens", visit Defiant Child Answers.

Every teenager will become oppositional from time to time. It's normal; and particularly when they feel upset or stressed. Oppositional behaviors can become a matter of concern if they start interfering with their social, academic or family life.

Oppositional/Defiant behaviors are characterized by the Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry as:

Frequent temper tantrums
Excessive arguing with adults
Often questioning rules
Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
Frequent anger and resentment
Mean and hateful talking when upset

In this article I'm not going to focus just on ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), the pathological form, but also on its usual (normal) manifestations. I'll focus on the ones that you are going to most likely find in every day life and how to defuse them. If you are specifically looking for ODD you can refer to the Academy's page. It's a good source.

When a teenager becomes oppositional the first thing you need to know is that you are going to need patience. Lots of it. Usually, to de-escalate him or her it would take you as long as a usual discussion with your girl/boyfriend or partner. That would be between an hour and a half and two hours. It follows the normal curve (AKA Gaussian function or Bell curve). An initial moment of increasing tension. A peak, usually followed by a plateau where you may feel that you are getting nowhere and a decline (the de-escalation).

The second thing you need to take into account is that it's going to be a chess game. You are the authority figure and that's the main problem. Oppositional and defiant behaviors are tightly bonded to authority. In my experience, when dealing with neurotypical people, time-outs are only going to give them time to stay on that negative trend of thought and is not going to help the situation get any better. You need to talk him or her out of it. Don't expect time itself to work magic. And if it does, there are gonna be hurt feelings. In other words, as a parent, your intervention is needed.

There are basically two actions that you need to take. The first one is active listening. Let him vent and be aware that you will hear things that you won't like; but don't get into an argument. That won't help either. The me vs. him approach won't work. Instead, listen and wait for the right moment to make your interventions, pointing out the weak points of his or her argument and redirecting the conversation continually. Timing is paramount here. The de-escalation rate will be directly tied to how timely and on the spot your interventions are.

You will also need to have a clear goal. This means, you need to know where you want to get, since your interventions should be directed to this goal. Don't try to directly go for your point because this will only trigger another escalation. You need to be subtle and "hide" your goal because if it becomes visible during the initial phase it will backfire. You have to slowly leak it at the end of the second phase (peak and/or plateau). Think of it as a chess game. If you start making random moves to see what happens the other player (who has a plan or idea) will beat you in the blink of an eye. Also, since you are the authority figure you will have some sort of leverage. Use it, but never as a threat or coercion. Use that differential of power wisely.

Yesterday I spent an hour and a half de-escalating a 15 year old boy. During that hour an and a half he refused to talk to me, followed by a half hour cathartic period. He then calmed down a bit and while talking to me he starting packing and dressing up to leave. I let him do it, but I kept talking to him. At one point I noticed that his bag was already full so he started taking stuff out and putting other stuff in. He tied his shoes twice, groomed himself for a bit and paced around the room aimlessly. At that point I knew that he knew he wasn't gonna go anywhere but the job hadn't been finished yet. He was still upset but open to talk. At that point I asked him to sit by me on his bed. Apparently he was ready for it since he did. That was the first moment where he was actually compliant. Score! Asking him to sit by me wasn't just for the sake of it.

Our "conversation" started with him sitting on the floor throwing things and breaking furniture. I was standing when I entered his room. Here you need to think about primal interactions and body language. He had to look up to talk to me or even to make eye contact. I was "on top", which doesn't help solve authority disputes. Next thing I did was to sit and start talking to him. He stood up and started to walk and talk. From an eye-to-eye perspective he was above me. You need to work with that illusion. When I asked him to sit by me we were both at the same level, and that was the beginning of the end of the argument. From there I could finally reason with him, joked a little bit while still talking and finally made my point firmly.He went to bed giggling and in an excellent mood.

In conclusion, it all goes down to a power struggle. The key is not to get engaged in it, since you'll be playing the teenager's game. You need to make that struggle as subtle as you can during most of the conversation, or at least until you consider the person is ready to acknowledge the fact that there is a "chain of command" and his way is not a viable option. In the process you will gain respect, a sense that what you want is not a whim and last but not least, you'll look as someone approachable in his eyes, which will help in future occurrences.

Fernando Tarnogol is an Argentinean psychologist, currently working as Program Coordinator at the Devereux Foundation in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

He has studied Psychology at the University of Buenos Aires and Human Resources Management at UADE (Argentinean University of the Enterprise). His professional experience includes work in HR for HSBC Bank Argentina and in two mental health facilities performing psychological evaluations and other clinical work.

Visit his blog at http://fernandotarnogol.com/

I know what you're going through and I know how you feel. You have defiant teenagers and you are trying to get them under control, but it feels like all of your efforts are useless and you are losing hope. You try being forceful and they push you away; you try to let them learn their own mistakes and they just fall into a deeper hole. You don't know what to do anymore and you want some kind of hope.

Well you're not alone. There are other parents just like you who are in the same situation. We all have problems every once in a while with our kids, it just depends on how we handle the situations. All defiant teenagers have their own reason for being rebellious, and we have to figure out what it is and go from there.

But for any parent, here are some techniques that you can apply right now:

1. Don't be afraid to discipline your defiant teenagers. You need to give them consequences for their negative action. If you don't, they start to think that they can get away with it, and that is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish. They need to realize that they cannot get away with bad behavior, so consequences such as: No TV, no cell phone, no dance classes, or something that is a loss of privilege. Remember: You're defiant teenagers do not have rights, they have privileges and they can be taken from them at any time. You also want to make sure you give your reason as to why your disciplining your defiant teenagers. Let them know why they got in trouble.

2. Always remember to reward your defiant teenagers when they do something right. Consequences for negative actions; rewards for positive actions. If your kids know what is good and what is bad by the responses to those actions, then they will naturally go for the good things so they can receive an award. I know it sounds like they are relying on the rewards instead of the actual behavior, but you can eventually lean off the rewards and their actions will still be positive.

3. Stay calm. No matter what your defiant teenagers do, you must stay perfectly calm. If you show any sign of feeling out of control, then your children will think they have won. You have to stand up and (without yelling) show your authority. If they continue arguing and yelling at you, calmly take away a privilege for a day or two. If they can drive, take their car. You can take them to work if they really need it.

4. The phrase "Monkey See, Monkey Do" has a bigger meaning than we think. You have to be the example that you want your defiant teenagers to be. If they do not have something to look at and become, then they do not know how to change. You want change, but you have to show them what to change into as a person.

I hope you enjoyed my article and I hope everything goes well with you and your defiant teenager.

How do I handle my defiant teenagers?

First off, I want to say that I understand what you're going through. You have defiant teenagers who just keep arguing and fighting against you. You feel hopelessly lost and you want to find some way to help you get closer to your kids...

You're not alone. Almost every parent has to deal with defiant teenagers at one point in their life. Some handle it beautifully, and some... well you get the idea. Either way, we want what's best for our kids and watching them act the way they do hurts us. No matter how hard we try to create a relationship with our kids, it seems like it only pushes them away and that is exactly what we don't want.

Realize that you are more than likely doing more right things as a parent than bad. A lot of parents will condemn themselves because of what their kids are doing. Realize that you have most of it right, but there is that 10% of things you can change that will drastically change your teen's behavior. Some of the biggest problems that separate us from our defiant teenagers is when we are in the middle of arguing over something that is usually silly. We seem to lose control of our emotions and yell back at our children, thinking that raising our voice will make them listen more, but it only feeds their rebellious attitude. In the middle of a situation (or even out of one), here are some tips that will help you out:

Remain calm and control your emotions - Just by staying calm will already give you the upper hand. Defiant teenagers feed off your feelings of anger and lack of control. If there are no feelings for them to feed off of, it will significantly lower the situation.
Know that it's okay to discipline your kids - Too many parents are scared to ground their child, thinking that it will only worsen the relationship, but instead it will train your defiant teenagers that negative actions come with negative consequences. That is the way it is with life, so they must learn now before it they get hit hard when they go out in the real world. They will also respect you more, because you won't allow disrespect.
Don't forget to reward positive actions - Negative actions require negative consequences, but don't forget to give rewards to positive actions. If they do something that you are happy and proud of, treat them to a dessert or go take them out to watch a movie. Kids want to spend time with their family. They want that love from us and they want us to look at them and be proud of them. Most defiant teenagers are that way because they don't think they can ever be what we want them to be so they kind of just give up and don't even try. If we show them that we love them no matter what, then we'll definitely see some results.

Put these tips into action and see your defiant teenagers become more respectful and loving in no time. Teenagers want us as parents to be there, even when we don't see it. We have to be there for them, but make sure they realize that there are consequences if they get out of line.

There are many other tips and steps that you should take to fully see your defiant teenagers become the kids that you've always wanted. You don't have to spend an arm and a leg to find the right programs out there to help you out. I would recommend a program that has never failed anyone when trying to help with their child. I've seen it help others and I would highly suggest it if you really want to see results and see your defiant teenagers change forever. It's called "My Out of Control Teen", and it's very cheap.

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I think most parents would agree that parenting a teenager is a unique and complex job that offers both joy and frustration to their lives. If you add an behavior defiant or out of control teen to the mix, things get a little bit more difficult. Nevertheless, as their parent, you need to do what you can to help your teen make it through adolescence while still maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with you, his parent. The question then becomes "How do I do that?" My answer is general, and two-fold.

1. Continue to get guidance and learn new tips and techniques for dealing with your teenagers specific areas of difficulty.

2. Choose to possess the qualities of relentlessness and unconditional love in your parenting of them, no matter what. What I mean is decide today that you will never give up on them, on helping them, or on parenting them. If you do, whom else will they have?

As parents, our job is to not only raise our kids up to be happy, law-abiding, contributing members of society, but also to love them unconditionally through the process. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those unmanageable days...the days when we are worn out, defeated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not unnumbered. There is always an end to whatever season you are in with your child. Therefore, be unrelenting as a parent.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? Quite simply, keep working on your relationship with them, and in helping them develop positive healthy characteristics within themselves that will serve them well in this world. A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life. Show an interest in the things they like, weather you like it or not. Be genuine. You love them, so enter into their world and find out what it is that they really enjoy. And then find ways to participate in that with them. For example, maybe you can go to a music concert with them, or a sporting event of some type.  Pursue them.

Another way to be relentless is to commit to constantly learning and growing in ways you can effectively parent them. None of us come into parenthood with an automatic perfect skill set to raise our children from start to finish. There is so much we do not know. And there are things we think we know, but obviously do not by the outcomes we are seeing. Being able to admit that and learn new ideas is really important. There is a lot of learning that we as parents end up doing. Being unrelenting means that when you are at a loss for what to do, that you do what it takes to get the help and the answers you need.

In conclusion, no matter how difficult your teenager is right now, keep pressing forward. Continue to love them unconditionally. They are your child.  No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to find the help you need. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.

Tina is a happily married WAHM of 4 boys, a freelance writer and advocate for families and parents. She enjoys seeing stressed out parents and broken relationships put back together. All children need their parents, whether they know it or not. And all parents can grow in their parenting skills, just as their children grow in their ability to challenge them.

Family life is great, and if things are difficult and unhappy at home, then you must find the help you need to restore things once again. Your family can be happy, but it may take some work to get there.

If you found her tips useful and want to read more in depth material about helping your out of control child or teenager then visit her here at: Out of Control Teenager or at: Difficult Defiant Kids

How to deal with a defiant teenager? Can it even be done at all? Seemingly overnight, your once pleasant child has turned into a moody, defiant teenager, and you are left feeling hurt and angry, and doubting your skills as a parent. A defiant teenager will disrupt the harmony of the whole family!

By learning some skills on how to deal with a defiant teenager, you will get your kid listening to you and respecting you again, and get the peace back into your home!

First, always remember, that your teen does not really want to be defiant and disrespectful. He is in that awkward stage called adolescence--no longer a child, but not quite an adult yet. Yes, it is not an easy time for him or her, but then, it is not an easy time for you either! There is hope, though.

If your child is constantly texting or emailing? Take the if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em approach. This is one sure fire way to get to communicate again with your teen, without all of the screaming and arguing! Cell phones and the internet are here to stay, so learn these ways of communicating with your teen. He will be too amazed to argue!

Lying is another tactic of angry teens, but one that parents do not punish harshly enough. Lying absolutely must not be tolerated under any circumstances! You can learn how to gain respect from your teen again, and discipline him effectively. As the parent, you must be the one in control. Teenagers have the innate ability to make parents feel like they are doing a less than good job, and that they have no control.

Many parents have suffered through the seemingly never ending teen years, only to turn out a well rounded young adult! Arm yourself with as much information as possible, learn how to deal with a defiant teenager, and stay ahead of all of his disrespectful behavior and you too will end up with a young adult whom you can be proud of!

One of the best places you can get even more great information that will really help you learn to deal with a defiant teenager is also one of my favorite websites - visit today and get started getting your family back. Click Here: Defiant Teenager Help.

Raising any teenager can be tough, but raising a defiant teenager is especially difficult. It's like a slap in the face to see the sweet child you raised morph into an angry, defiant teenager before your very eyes. Who is this person - this teenager screaming at you across the dinner table? What did you do to deserve such aggression and hostility? And, most importantly, what should you do? Should you ignore the behavior? Yell and scream yourself? Run away and hide until they are 30 and the phase has passed? While there's no one right answer, I'm hoping that the suggestions in this article will help to make dealing with your defiant teenager just a little bit easier.

First, examine the underlying factors of your teen's behavior. Many parents are in such a rush to "fix" things, that they end up treating the symptom instead of the cause. While some teenage defiant behavior is typical and even developmentally appropriate, there are many situations where the defiance is actually a symptom of something much deeper. Therefore, it is always a good idea to look closely to determine if there is a more serious issue.

Could depression be playing a factor? Are drugs or alcohol a possibility? Are new friends to blame? Or could your teen just be trying desperately to get your attention? All of these are situations that may need to be handled differently than a typical defiant teenager situation, so it is important to try to figure out the root cause of the defiance if at all possible.

Second, realize that this defiant behavior does have an upside. I know, that sounds completely crazy, but hear me out. The biggest developmental task of being a teenager is to figure out who they are as a person and to learn how to live independently. By challenging your rules and pushing the boundaries, they are practicing what it will be like in the real world, one where they will be forced to make their own decisions and think for themselves.

You have an amazing opportunity to show them the proper way to do this - to be in control of their own lives while still considering others and respecting authority. Even though it will be a long, tiring battle, if done properly, it is a battle with a purpose. Arguing with your defiant teen or watching them flat-out disobey you will probably always make you upset, but reminding yourself that this very process is shaping them into the wonderful adults they will turn out to be might make it just a little more bearable.

Third, hate the behavior...but love the teen. Although the eye rolls and backtalk might suggest differently, most teens really do yearn for attention from their parents. While this doesn't necessarily mean they would give up going to the mall with their friends to hang out with you, it does mean that all those little things that you do are noticed. Do you praise your teen for any of the positive things they are doing? Do you take time out of your day to talk to them about their interests and things that they would like to talk about? Do you keep asking them to spend quality time with you...even if they always turn you down?

These may seem minor and insignificant to you, but trust me, they may be huge to your teen. Remember when your teen was a toddler, and all the books told you to practice positive reinforcement? Well, it still holds true today! Teens would much rather be praised than fight, that much is obvious. But they would rather fight than be ignored. So make sure to take the time to show your love towards your teen. Even if it doesn't seem to make a difference to them, it'll ultimately end up making a huge difference in their behavior.

Looking for help with your teen? Visit My Out Of Control Teen - an online parent-program for those who are struggling with their teenagers.