Argue With Your Teenager

What a pleasure to meet a respectful child! Raising a respectful child is one of the three Rs (responsibility, respect, and resiliency) that are part of a parent's job description.

"No, my do it. Get away." That's normal for a three-year-old to say. But it's disrespectful for a thirteen-year-old to say, "I don't have to do that if I don't want to."

A child can disrespect herself: "I'm so stupid" or "Nobody wants to eat lunch with me at school; I guess I'll just need to eat by myself."

Respect is a learned behavior, and the learning curve is full of obstacles. We'll look at three in particular: (1) it's a human tendency to look out for oneself first and ignore another person's needs; (2) it's tough to encourage a child's independence and at the same time look out for another person's needs; and (3) it's easy for children to handle mistakes too harshly and disrespect themselves. Let's briefly cover how to deal with these roadblocks.

Looking out for oneself first. If you don't think this is a human tendency, spend an hour with a toddler. If children don't progress past this attitude, respect for others will not develop. But don't skip validating your child's needs and feelings as you teach respect for others. Telling your child he should be disappointed or mad when a teacher's been mean is essential. After that, the second step works better: teaching your child how to deal respectfully with his teacher.

When your thirteen-year-old argues, take the time to hear her point, support parts or all of what she says, and sometimes change your mind-in favor of what your child says. Most parents skip step one (supporting a child's feelings) and go directly to step two: teaching respectful behavior. Don't make that mistake.

Balancing independence with looking out for other people's needs. Alex yells at the principal, saying it's not fair that he got an after-school suspension when his friends did the same thing and got off scot-free. That's independent thinking, but the comments are disrespectful. Alex's parents have done a good job helping Alex to know and respect his needs, but the delivery needs some work. How to balance independence and respect for others is a tough skill to teach, but it can be done with enough practice.

Handling mistakes too harshly. As a teenager, Erin spends too much time doing perfect homework and sometimes does not try activities because she can't do them perfectly. Four-year-old Taylor has a temper tantrum every time he can't find a puzzle piece or can't get a Lego piece to fit right. These children have learned that mistakes make them feel bad about themselves, rather than using mistakes to learn and improve.

Parents need to decrease this excessive internal harshness by focusing on and supporting the child's feelings that are causing the problem. Let's say Erin tells her parents she doesn't want to disappoint them by getting Bs or Cs. Now the parents know the source of the pressure and can reduce the grade expectation. Don't expect this internal harshness to go away overnight, however. It'll take several weeks to see the results of this approach of feelings first, correcting behavior second.

Here's the take-home lesson: Establish your child's self-respect, and teaching respect for others will be a lot easier.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love, in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids.

Visit his website for more information (media section included): http://unleashingparentallove.com/

Jamie gets so upset when kids tease her about her freckles. Lucas doesn't read well, and he comes home crying about how the kids make fun of him. Isn't there some way to help my child deal successfully with these down times? It's so painful to see my child hurting.

Good news! You can teach children resiliency - how to be comfortable in their own skin and successfully survive failures and being different. It's one of the 3 Rs of the unleashing parental love parenting approach: respect, responsibility, and resiliency. Here are three components of resiliency you need to teach.

1. Make failure a positive experience. Some days kids seem to make mistakes every time they turn around. And it's not natural for parents to be positive when mistakes happen: "Your room is such a mess; you are so irresponsible." But you can make failure a positive experience by saying instead, "Let's find a way to clean your room that works for you so that you do it by yourself without being asked." This is how you get your child to stick with failure until success happens. The rule of thumb: Make conquering failure successful through positive experiences. Count on it being hard at first, but with practice you'll get the knack of it.

2. Know (accept) thyself. The ancient Greeks were on to something. Knowing and accepting oneself is the foundation of resilience. Teaching resiliency often feels insurmountable, but when parents use the following simple focus, everything works a lot better: Help your child know and accept his or her feelings, the energy source that makes your child tick. Don't focus on what your child does by telling him you're sick and tired of his arguing. Instead focus on the core (feelings) of who your child is: "You must really befrustrated with my not understanding you. I'll be quiet while you tell me what you feel." Listen and validate all of your child's feelings, then problem-solve. Resiliency is all about your child getting to know and accept "who I am" on the inside.

3. Being different is okay. Being different comes in two forms: our physical features and what we think and feel about something. When your child's being teased about being overweight, you want her to respond positively: "I am a little overweight, but everyone's different. It's not a big deal, and I'm exercising to handle it." And your teenager needs to feel comfortable expressing differing points of view (respectfully) with you. How do you pull this off? Use this proven approach: Continually validate your child's inside thoughts and feelings, which will help your child know and accept him- or herself (the second part of resiliency). Feeling comfortable with what's inside (feelings and thoughts) makes it easier to deal with outside problems.

Follow these guidelines and watch your child's resiliency take root.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love, in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids. Visit his website for more information (media section included): http://unleashingparentallove.com/

0 - 1 YEAR

At this stage in life, the concepts of right and wrong are not possible to teach. Rather, an infant who is shown warmth,cuddling and loving attention is likely to grow into a healthy and happy adult.

1 - 2 YEARS

Rather than scolding a child or arguing with him about

misbehaver, try to take preventative measures beforehand. If

you don't want him pulling things out the cupboards, make sure

they are secured. At this age of short attention span, discipline beyond a simple "no" is unnecessary and can have

undesirable effects.

2 - 4 YEARS

Children of this age, unable to understand abstractions such as generosity and truth, imitate their parents. So set an example.Be firm in disallowing undesirable behavior, but do so in a kind and friendly manner, without attempting to explain why.

4 - 6 YEARS

This is the time where you can really take some positive steps to reinforce your child's positive behavior. Give him lots of praise when it's due. Children of this age respond well to simple reasoning and explanations. Concepts such as truthfulness and generosity can be introduced. Continue to set an example of acceptable behavior. The child at this stage wants to please you and wants to be liked by others.

5 - 8 YEARS

Children develop a greater social awareness at this age. They understand the basic rights of others when taught fairness,values and the need to follow certain rules of behavior. Rules and limitations not only seem just to the child, but give him a good feeling of security.

8 - 11 YEARS

Due to natural growth and influences outside the home, your child has likely become more independent. He may begin to

question your decisions, contradict or argue. You must remain

firm in the important matters and flexible in less important

ones. Demonstrate and discuss the child's duties and

responsibilities to friends, relatives and society. Set

examples of moral behavior. Sex education can also be important

at this stage.

12 - 17 YEARS

These are normally rebellious years for most teenagers. Infact, teenagers who never rebel are probably in emotional trouble. As a parent you must weather the storm when your teenager begins to question and test conventional values, rules and beliefs. If you've instilled a sense of values at an early age, chances are he still retains many of those ideas. Try to keep lines of communication open and don't push the panic

button. If communication does break down and tensions mount

considerably, seek professional help.

18 YEARS AND OVER

At this stage most young adults are forming, or have formed,their own set of values. However, life still holds for them many unanswered questions, and a warm yet honest relationship can still go a long way in helping them reach mature adulthood.

MORE FREE INFORMATION AVAILABLE AT http://www.911parenting.com

I am a Resource Specialist, and a Credentialed Special Education Teacher in the State of California for over 20 years. I received my MA degree in Special Education from California State University. I have worked with hundreds of children in both regular education and special education classrooms. Creating a successful teaching environment depends upon many factors, and working with the parents has always been the most important factor.

The most important value you will ever teach your children is: to respect their parents. And since you cannot pass anything on that you don't incorporate yourself, you will have to start by first respecting your children. If they don't feel treated like a human being, worthy of respect and love, deserving of your attention, then their cooperation will be in short supply.

First, you show them respect. Second, you teach them to respect you.

So how to go about this in practice? What to do if your children complain about the food, insult you because you're picking them up from the gym 10 minutes too late, or if they don't want to clean up their own mess?

Let's have a look at these situations one by one:

1. Are the kids complaining about the food? Do you hear a "bwerk" when they see what's in the casserole? Well, you are no fool, are you? You just spent one hour in the kitchen preparing that meal. Before cooking, you spent one hour at the grocery store buying the food. Before that, you spent many hours on the job, earning the money to pay for that food. So you now start asking yourself, "Did I not give enough of myself for this meal?" Yes, you did! You do not owe it to them to prepare a warm meal every day. But you do owe it to yourself to get some respect from those for whom you make all these efforts. Enough is enough! You did your part of the deal, now it's up to them. Teach your children to say "thank you" for every meal. If they have no "thank you" on offer but only muster a "bwerk," then you are not making dinner for at least two days! Soon they'll be begging you for a warm dinner, and God knows they will be very grateful when they finally get one on the third day! Never continue delivering a service that is not appreciated. You'd be a fool to do that! How does it feel to be toiling away behind the stove, all the while fearing your efforts and goodwill won't be appreciated? This is no way to live! If they appreciate neither your efforts nor your cooking, then make them go without for 2 or 3 days, and see what happens.

2. Are the kids insulting you just because you're ten minutes late when picking them up from the gym? Then stop picking them up from the gym for a few times! Make it clear to them that they have to appreciate your effort of taking them and picking them up. Don't start an argument with them, for that doesn't work. Don't keep explaining time and time again that they should respect you, but rather show them by taking action. If they are unable to see the difference between the important facts (you are there to pick them up) and the unimportant facts (being ten minutes too late), then let them feel the difference. Next time around, simply don't take them to the gym, so they will become aware of the difference and learn to appreciate what you are doing for them. Don't settle for being treated like a slave. You are worthy of respect! Show them what it means to be a person who respects himself. Respect yourself and others will respect you.

3. Are the kids complaining that "there is nothing to eat" in the house, while the kitchen cupboards are bulging with food? What they mean, of course, is that THEIR favorite food is not available in large enough a quantity. Do your kids have this kind of complaints? Okay, here's what you do: stop going to the grocery store for a while. That way the kids will have to first finish all the food in the fridge and in the cupboards (or go do some household shopping themselves, also an enlightening exercise). This also makes for an economical cleaning up of all those half-finished packs of crackers, biscuits, cheese, and the like. Then comes the next phase where there really is "nothing" left in the cupboards. Now is the time to go to the grocery store, and you can bet on it that they will appreciate the new arrivals! They will feel like there's "so much to eat," while in fact there's less food than when they were complaining there was "nothing to eat."

4. Are the kids putting tons of ketchup on their food, continuously ignoring your warnings to be more economical and eat healthier? Stop arguing about it, for that doesn't work. Instead, stop buying ketchup all the time! For example, buy one bottle of ketchup per month and clearly tell your children that they'll have to do with this one bottle for the whole month. When the bottle is done, it's done, till next month comes around. If necessary, buy a bottle for each child and label it. That way your children will learn to regulate their "ketchup behavior."

5. Are the kids ignoring your orders to put their shoes in the designated place? Do they go on leaving their shoes all around the house? Tell them this will be the last warning, and that from now on, any shoes found scattered around will be "launched" into the back yard. And then, stick to your promise! I had to do this once with my sun's basketball shoes: I launched them outside. As it happened, that night it was raining cats and dogs. The next morning he cried, "What do I do now? My shoes are all wet!" I said to him, "Sun, this is your problem." Believe me, I had to do this only once! Once your children know that you will do as you say, then you won't have to do it. They will respect your word!

6. Are your children's rooms a mess? You want the mess to be cleaned up? Don't do it yourself! Your teenagers should clean up their own mess! So instead of arguing about it, tell them that they have to clean up their room before dinner on Saturday. That way you are giving them plenty of freedom to chose their own timing. Come Saturday evening dinnertime, go check if the room is tidy. If not, then there is no dinner for that child. After all, this was the deal: room to be cleaned BEFORE dinner. They can still clean their room right there and then, and have dinner when they're done, but as long as the room is not clean there is no dinner. You could also say, "You clean your room and after that you can go out with your friends." Be consistent and do as you say.

This is where many parents stumble when dealing with their children: they argue too much. They go on explaining the same thing dozens of times. Do you really think the kids didn't understand what you were saying? If you have said something two times, then that's enough. After the second time, you should ACT and not TALK.

Don't argue with them! Never argue with a child. You are the parent, you are the one who decides. You can negotiate with your child, but don't feel you need to explain yourself. Kids have much more energy than you do, and sooner or later you will give up (or give in) because your energy is spent while theirs is not. They know that and they will win the battle! Don't get tempted to go into endless discussions with your child. Learn to act after the second warning. Be consistent! That's the only way to get respect.

Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist. My goal is to help you achieve success and happiness. Accomplish your mission on earth and love yourself. Two free e-courses at http://www.theenthusiasm.com

Your teen needs you to be a Mentor: Soon the parents of teens learn that conferences or "a stern talking to" little significant effect. The restrictive application can also lead to the distance between the parents and adolescents. Is life experience (guided by you, his mentor) which can have a profound effect on his maturity, and your relationship! You can allow to make mistakes and suffer the consequences, but to set limits on the level of risk to ensure nothing serious or long term.  We know that the classic struggle between a parent who cannot stand by while their child suffers at all and the other parent who wants to see their children to live the consequences of their actions. The "unconditional love" vs "tough love" is another way to say. Pull far as tug-a-war and see yourself as a mentor who gives your child enough freedom to learn by experience, even if it hurts, but never as much to enter into a murky period. A mentor trusts that its students will learn what is taught later. It may take several failures before the student is ready, but the mentor never loses faith in latent potential student. This reflection will be added to your patience, because you have just drudgery as a supplier, but a mentorship with more noble goal.

"Money is like manure; It is not worth a thing unless it is spread around encouraging to grow young things. "Thornton Wilder

The practice.

Want it? Can he win: beyond the special occasions such as birthdays, awarded degrees etc., if your teenager wants an item, such as a cell phone or a video game, it must be earned, either working for compensation or a part-time job. For larger purchases such as a vehicle or a computer, the parents can show encouragement by paying half after their adolescent demonstrates the responsibility of raising the first half.  If your son or daughter is unable to collect enough money for their own articles that they would simply get it. If your teen is wasting their money, you must resist the urge to bail out them. Instead of debating or arguing about it, talk to a few comforting, your fact. The only thing that you need for your child in this instance is the good guidance and compassion. To save would do them them a disservice. This is how the world works and you are responsible for ensuring that they learn this hard lesson now, and not when they are 30 years and challenging pay-off a mortgage.

The 10% rule: Many adolescents will not be able to save 10% of their earnings on their own, but with the help of your share, they will come to really appreciate the power of sacrifice for something greater. If possible, retain 10% of the earnings of your teen for her. To do so for a period of time until she is able to buy something of significant value. The purpose here is not necessarily teach investing, but the power of moderation!  This delayed gratification will print memorable and him well in the future.

Let go of expectations: How long did take learn you some lessons than your own parents strives to teach you? In my case, it took years!  When I was ready, I used what my mother taught me and still do today. Some children feel like they will be only be valued by their parents, when they do what their parents want, rather than having an intrinsic value in and of themselves. Young of this age will probably not share their feelings about it, so do what you can be aware of your own expectations. It can take years for your son/daughter to learn good money management.  Let go of any time-table pré-conçue.

The Tao of Papa

[http://thetaoofdad.tv/]

The top 3 ways to be a Mentor for your adolescent

[http://thetaoofdad.tv/2009/05/top-3-ways-to-be-a-mentor-to-your-teenager/]

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