Argue With Your Teenager

There may be nothing more important in communication than rapport. This is especially true between parents and their adolescent children. Of course, rapport is important across the board, but adolescents are in particular need of adults and parents who can actually listen.

Listening is one of the key ingredients in building and maintaining rapport. It's not enough that a parent listens, however; the parent or adult must convey to the adolescent that they are being heard. This is accomplished through what is called "mirroring" and "paraphrasing." Simply stated, these two words mean the listener not only repeats what is heard but also in the tone that it was said while at the same time trying to convey the feelings expressed. For example, let's say a teenager says something like "you never listen to what I have to say, you don't care about me at all." A typical parental response might be "that's not true, I do care about you and I do listen to you." This is actually undermining the relationship by essentially telling the teenager they are lying. A much better response is "I hear you telling me that you think I never listen to you and that I don't care about you." The teenager will then respond by saying "ya, right" or they may adjust their statement. Either way, the parent has been supportive and has demonstrated they have heard what was said. Because the parent has only posed a statement, not a question or demand, there is actually no need for the teenager to respond; but, because of the ping-pong nature of communication, the teenager will respond.

Building rapport requires active listening; the listener needs to be sensitive to hearing words and phrases, tones and moods of the speaker which can then be repeated back to the speaker. This can be somewhat mechanical at first but with practice becomes flexible and fluid. It is an extremely effective method of communicating respect. It does not challenge the speaker, nor does it pose questions. It is merely a way of acknowledging what was said by the speaker. Yet, it paves the way for much more meaningful communication. Everyone wants to be heard. But few people know that they have been heard. By mirroring and paraphrasing, you let the speaker know you heard them.

Another example in the form of a transcript; the speaker is a teenager arguing with her mother about curfew

Teenager: I don't think I should have to be home by 11pm; why can't I come home at midnight?

Parent: I can hear that you are frustrated and that you want curfew to be midnight, not 11pm.

Teenager: right, so can I?

Parent: No, honey, not now; remember our agreement -- we said on your 16th birthday curfew will be midnight on weekends. You only have to wait another few months.

Teenager: That's so unfair! All my friends don't have to come home until midnight!"

Parent: I know you think it's unfair and I'm sorry you feel that way. You know, all your friends are already 16. That's why they have a later curfew.

Teenager: Can't we make an exception this one time?

Parent: I hear that you really want to stay out until midnight and that you'd like an exception this one time. But, that was not our agreement.

Teenager: I don't believe it! You just don't care about how I feel.

Parent: You think I don't care about how you feel

Teenager: you don't!

Parent: I don't

Teenager: No!

Parent: No, you really think I don't care about how you feel, right now. I hear you.

Teenager: Well, do you?

Parent: Care about how you feel? Of course I do

Teenager: Then why can't I stay out till midnight?

Parent: You think that if I care about how you feel, I will let you stay out till midnight?

Teenager: Ya

Parent: I care about how you feel, honey, and you can stay out till midnight on weekends when you turn 16 as we agreed.

Teenager: ohhhh, all......right.

When practicing mirroring and paraphrasing, parents needs to be patient and keep their cool. Adolescents can get emotional, illogical and irrational. But, they're teenagers, they have that prerogative. The parent is an adult and would, hopefully, act as one.

Ken Fields is a nationally certified, licensed mental health counselor. During the past 25 years, he has helped individuals, couples, families and groups address a variety of issues ranging from spiritual malaise to children with autism. He has been a crisis intervention counselor and an administrator at a human service agency. Currently, Mr. Fields provides communication coaching and online parent counseling at http://www.openmindcounseling.com

Your troubled teen is running with the wrong crowd and became alarming provocative and rebellious... once again. Messy hair, the dismal clothing and body piercings continue to be the standard. Given that your teen has "experienced" drugs and alcohol in the past, you are sure that he or she is to the same old tricks, even if he or she swear now things are different.

Some parents assume that their children continue to abuse of drugs or alcohol and finished to treat them as if they did something wrong then these assumptions could not be further from the truth. These erroneous assumptions eventually Stoke resentments instead of giving children the means to prove their reliability.

Your teen wants your trust and you want to give. Unfortunately, none of you knows how to do what the other wants.

When it comes to substance abuse, there is a relatively new way to separate the facts from fiction, and it becomes more and more popular that most people think. One of the reasons why you have perhaps heard it is because of its private and confidential. It provides the Foundation to restore confidence based on the truth. If a child wants to prove that he or she is free of drugs and relative need for the rather strong evidence that verbal assurances, a home drug testing program can be the answer.

Critics of this new tendency of screening drug House argue that the Act of testing teens for drugs is an irresponsible abuse of confidence and drives only a wedge between parents and their young children, who already have a tense relationship. However, who can argue against the relations based on facts from fiction, especially when the relationship of trust has already been destroyed?

Mason Duchatschek interviewed thousands of parents, adolescents, members of the School Council, Councillors, principals and directors. He is the President of the www.TestMyTeen.com (mason@testmyteen.com) based in Fenton, Missouri.

When the marriage goes sour and divorce is the only solution, your children will be affected. However, there may be issues that affect youth more than young children. Adolescents are almost adult and already to form their own opinion on life, including family values. One of the most critical moments in their lives comes when their parents divorce. What problems face teenagers when their parents make the decision to obtain a divorce.

Your teen will want to take sides - you must realize that your teen is a young adult and can talk about why you get a divorce. You need to understand your teen that you tried to do everything to stay together. A young person can about a parent, and it is all very well if the other parent can see no remorse to the child.
Will become angry with your decision - if your marriage has finally reached the end then that probably you may already noticed a change in your attitude teenagers way prior to your decision to divorce.
Depression or withdrawal of two parents - you may notice your child being pressed all to avoid now two parents. This reaction that you may notice.
Start with the bad crowd - adolescents could begin to drag with different friends, of drugs or drink alcohol. Even some adolescents become extremely sexually active do not worry about who they do it with. Be aware of changes in mood and talk to your children, explaining that two will be happier.
Sometimes teenagers even more do their parents - that your teen may have a reaction is a complete different loving attitude. In some cases, teens can become more accountable, especially if younger children are involved.
Area of new housing and new - after the divorce, they may have faced new medium, such as a different House, even a different location. This is where you can help a parent by the divorce of planning during the summer months. Using this help your changes to child in their lives, while not in school, this can help to adapt to change also.
Above all, be at peace with your ADO - above all other things, you should make a truce with your spouse, to show your teen that this can be done quietly without fighting or arguing. Showing them that you are acting as for adults, the child will see that both parents will be happy and can move their lives.

Parents divorce can be one of the most traumatic moments in the life of your teen. Issues of divorce involving your children can also be helped by a professional advisor. Advisors can help your teen to this type of change in lives. For more information on the issues of the parents, visit adolescent Parenting today enumerated below.

Jerry Standefer is a parent who raised teenagers, his ambition was to help other parents who could need advice raise their teens. Jerry site visit Parenting today youth and sign up for his free report on rearing teenagers. His friend Norbert Georget wrote a book entitled "No-nonsense Parenting today the young person" which I highly recommend!

At every stage of development, children thrive when their parents listen to their ideas about what they want even if those ideas are very different from parents' wishes for their children. When you consider and take your child's perspective seriously, you are giving your child a gift of respecting their growing unique individual selves. This doesn't mean you have to agree or say yes, but you do need to express your understanding of what your child wishes. When you are able to consider that your child is not talking back, but may be asserting his developing self, you will be providing your child with the foundation for developing self confidence and self esteem. Differences create much less distance between parent and child when they are acknowledged and respected.

As I was thinking about a number of patients I see in psychotherapy whose parents had trouble distinguishing between talking back and self assertion, I recalled a television show I saw recently. In that show, a six year old sitting at the dinner table with her parents suddenly announced she was a vegetarian. At first, the parents dismissed her claims and tried to insist she eat the meat in front of her. She stubbornly refused. They argued with her a little and then they ultimately respected her wishes. In the next scene the grandparents came to babysit while the parents went out. Grandma brought her granddaughter's favorite meal which contained meat. The child stubbornly refused. Grandpa insisted. The child refused. Grandma insisted, more refusal. Grandpa said "You will sit at this table until you eat your dinner." Was the six year old talking back or asserting herself? The parents' eventual response to their daughter's announcement suggests they might answer that she was asserting herself. The grandparents, who ended up in a power struggle with their grandchild, would probably say she was talking back.

When our children say "no" to us, or when they ask us for things that we are inclined to say "no" to, we respond not only based on what our heads tell us. We have feelings about their differing wishes and perspectives. When our children assert themselves or oppose us in this way, it is useful to ask ourselves "what am I feeling and why am I feeling it?" We can then look at our feeling responses as information that can help guide our behavior. For example, the grandparents in the television show might have been feeling "how hurtful this child is, rejecting this meal that grandma made especially for her." They may have felt disrespected. It isn't unusual for adults to feel that they should be completely in charge of their children. When a parent feels disrespected, he is likely to feel hurt and angry. In such a feeling state, it would seem to make sense to immediately say "NO" to the child's wishes. But if we stop and look at our feelings, we could notice that we are hurt and angry and that we are expressing our feelings in the "NO". If we pay attention to our feelings before we go into action, we could be in a better position to think about what we want to do.

If grandpa could think about his granddaughter's wishes, he might be able to consider that she is trying on her own new way of being in the world. She is communicating "I am an individual who is different from my family." She is testing, "will I be allowed to be separate?" This perspective on the child's behavior is very different than viewing her as simply a talking back, ungrateful, stubborn child. The parents of this child also had negative feelings about the child's desire to be a vegetarian. They said "No" but they reconsidered. If we imagine what they might have been feeling, we could consider that they might have felt opposed and threatened. They are the parents and parents are in charge, aren't they? They might have felt confused by their child taking on such an assertive role and asking for something different from the family's usual behaviors. They may have felt burdened by the idea they would now have to cook a separate meal. Whatever they felt, they obviously thought about their response. Perhaps they recognized their daughter's attempt to become a more separate individuated self.

If we ask the question "what am I feeling when my child asserts herself against my parental opinions and authority?" we can often avoid power struggles and tensions with our children. We can ask ourselves questions like: "What makes what our child wants wrong or disrespectful?" "Are children always supposed to go along with what parents want?" "What is going on with my child that she is responding this way?" "Why is it better for my child to wear my choice of clothes?" "Am I trying to avoid feeling embarrassed by my child?" "Why should I force my child to go to the park, or on a play date or to a party when he doesn't want to go?" "Why should I insist my child go to sleep-away camp even if he says he is scared?"

There are no right and wrong answers to these questions. These questions help us to not simply react. It is the parent's job to determine which of his child's demands the parent should be in charge of. For example, if the child refuses to go to the park and the parent thinks it is best the child be active or have fresh air, the parent may decide this is not a decision that is up to the child. But it is always important when the child says "no" that you get more information. Suppose it turns out that the child who refuses to go to the playground is being bullied by the older kids. If the parent can get the child to tell them this information, it changes the situation. The parent can then find a different playground, or help the child with the bullying or find some other way to address the problem. If the parent talks with the child or tries to discover what the problem is for the child and finds no good reason for the child to stay at home, then the parent says "no". It is most important that the parent, when dealing with their child who is trying to separate and individuate, talk with their child, listen and consider what the child has to say.

As part of every child's normal development, after the infant emerges from the very special

closeness (symbiosis) with mother, the processes of separation and individuation begin. The process of individuation includes the child's exploration and experimentation with who he is and who he is becoming. As early as two or three, children begin to express their "no" emphatically and loudly. This is important in the development of self. For the young child, saying "no" is one of the earliest signs of individuation. It is a statement that I am separate from you and want something different. When the child can say "no" she is preparing her self to say "yes". Saying "yes" is an assertion of the developing self. "Yes" is an announcement of who I am (or who I am becoming) and what I want.

While the Individuation process is typically described as belonging to the early years of development, the process continues well into adulthood. It is often a surprise for the parents of adolescents to find they are dealing with the same issues with their 13 or 16 year old that they faced when their child was two or three. The opposition, the tantrums, the stubbornness of the three year old, frequently returns during the teen years. The fights, the silent anger, the "you just don't get it" feelings that adolescents express, are the continuation of the process of Individuation: the creation of the unique individual self.

Adolescents present parents with the same problems that younger children do as they continue discovering who they are and what they want. But because teenagers need to be given more room to experiment with their selves, parents have a more difficult job of determining where and when to set limits. With adolescents the issue is more complicated. The dilemma is that adolescents need to develop more control over their lives, but they are more at risk with the wide range of possibilities available to them. It is difficult for parents to figure out in what areas teenagers can be given more autonomy over their lives. No one would suggest parents give up limits around things like alcohol and drugs. But what do you do when you don't like your child's friend? How do you respond to curfews, borrowing the car, requests for birth control? If you want to avoid power struggles, you do the best you can to TALK and LISTEN to your adolescent. You also continue the process of examining what you are feeling about your child's demands and requests. For example, is your adolescent's friend making you uncomfortable because he is different from you and your family, or is this friend someone who you know is getting into trouble, sexually promiscuous, or getting into fights? It is always important to know what your feelings are before you figure out how you want to respond to your child. The important thing is to talk with your child and respond with more than a "NO" or "because I said so."

Helping our children to become self confident individuals requires that we talk with our children. We try to listen, hear and consider what our children are saying. This means that parents need to explore what children's "no's" are about. Why is the child saying no? What would the problem be for the child if she said yes? What would the problem be for the parent if he said yes to the child? When you work with your children to try and understand their point of view, they are more likely to be interested in hearing and considering your opinion. This talking will help your children to experience you as interested in them as individuals and they will be less likely to experience your ideas and decisions as arbitrary. This doesn't mean there will always be agreement between parent and child. The same way that couples ideally try and understand each other's points of view and put themselves in the other persons shoes, parents and children, and especially adolescents, have closer and more loving relationships when they develop the capacity to be curious about the other person's experience.

©Copyright 2011 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

I have been a psychotherapist in private practice on the upper west side of Manhattan for over 25 years. I work with older adolescents and with adults individually and in couples therapy and marriage counseling. I work with a wide range of issues including, but not limited to, anxiety, depression, problems about intimacy and developing long-term relationships, separation anxiety, parenting, creative blocks, and family and work conflicts. I specialize in working with young adults who have difficulties transitioning into adulthood and with parents who struggle with the separation and individuation of their children

Although the idea of starting therapy can be scary, it can also be exciting. Therapy is a process of self discovery which can help you create the life and relationships that really work. It is a process where I help you to talk and learn about your thoughts and feelings. As we focus on the issues you bring to therapy, our talks will affect the ways in which you relate to the world and the impact the world has on you.

I don't see therapy as "one size fits all." As I get to know you, the theoretical approach or approaches I take will evolve from our work together. I recognize and respect how different we all are. This means I make a particular effort to work without judgment.

Telephone sessions are available for those people who travel or are not in New York.

You can learn more from my website: http://www.BeverlyAmselPhD.com

It can be very difficult and stressful when two parents are not getting along or are not in agreement about how to parent. This becomes more challenging with teenagers because they will quickly understand what is going on and will make every effort to use it to their advantage. In addition, it can be very hurtful for teenagers to witness their parents not getting along.

As you know, parenting can be very challenging and even more challenging when parents are not on the same page about rules, consequences and parenting in general. Even more challenging is when two parents are not getting along at all due to separation, divorce or other stressors in the relationship. Generally in these situations, emotions are high and parents are hurt, angry, frustrated, sad or any number of other difficult emotions. Despite how difficult such situations are, it is critical that parents do not let their children witness their conflicts. I cannot tell you the number of children who I have seen for therapy who are emotionally damaged and extremely confused because their parents constantly argue and say negative, rude and disrespectful things about one another. I am not suggesting that it is easy to keep all of these emotions to oneself, however, these emotions should be shared with other adults or professionals and not with one's children.

Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:

1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child's other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child's ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.

2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a "good parent" and a "bad parent". Generally the "good parent" lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the "bad parent" attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) but it is critical that it get done. When doing this, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades or else there will be consequences while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.

3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.

Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe. The above described parenting situations can be very difficult and emotionally draining and sometimes last for a prolonged period of time. If you are a parent experiencing such difficulties in parenting consistently with your child's other parent, it is important that you get support for yourself so that you can both take care of yourself and be strong for your child.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com] or email Karen@elite-life-coaching.com.

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

Critical Mistake # 1 Trying To Be Your Child's Best Friend

Although it is an admiral thing to want to be your child's best friend, they do not need that kind of relationship with their parents or carers. What your child needs is an authority figure to be the boss.

This doesn't mean that you have the right to be bossy. However, there needs to be a distinction so that your child realises that you are the final authority. I have seen many a single mum with one child, trying to be a "buddy" to them, perhaps as a guilt thing to make up for the fact that there may be no father in sight.

Don't get me wrong; I am not knocking the single mum as I am one of them. And as a single mum I need to be especially careful to let my children know that I am still the boss and that they are accountable to me. This gives the child a sense of security, knowing that someone is in charge.

Critical Mistake # 2 Yelling At Your Child

I know that all of us have yelled at our children at some stage; some of us regularly, others just occasionally. What we need to realise is that it does our child no good to have us raise our voices at them. It actually breeds disrespect for you.

If we can learn to conquer the art of being non-reactive when our kids misbehave, we have learned a valuable skill to help our parenting. Once we master this skill, we will realise that our children will react to us becoming more non-reactive and will calm down also. Our example actually helps to breed harmony in the household.

Meditating each morning for a few minutes is a really good way to start the day when you are raising children. If you can put your mind at ease before you start the day, you will be more likely to feel relaxed when the inevitable happens.

Critical Mistake # 3 Not Being Consistent

Believe me, I know that this one can be really tough. I am mother to four children and at times they seem to hound me all at once. It can be so easy for me to give in their every request. However, we need to remember that not everything our child wants is beneficial for them. And often, children don't understand the ramifications of everything that they do. That's why we are the parents.

I often have to say to my teenagers, "It's just not my job to be liked. It's my job to be consistent with you". It's important that we are not afraid to say this to our child. We are not trying to make life difficult for our children. All the same, left to their own devices, they can make some pretty silly decisions.

Critical Mistake # 4 Not Providing Good Boundaries

I could write a whole book on this topic (hmmm, that's not a bad idea at all).... All children, no matter what their age, need boundaries. When kids are given healthy boundaries, they can function well at home, school and in society in general.

The real world works with boundaries. If you break the law, you end up going to jail. That's a boundary that the government puts in place to stop people from committing crimes.

I provide boundaries for my children's friends who come to play. Do I have the right to give boundaries to someone else's child? Absolutely, if they are in my house. And we have had remarkable results from children who don't always behave elsewhere.

When these kids come to my house I explain to them what my rules are. Once a child understands clearly what is expected of them, then, and only then, can you expect them to comply. Children need things spelled out really clearly for them.

Critical Mistake # 5 Entering Into Power Struggles

NO! NO! NO! NO! Don't do it. For those of you who don't know, a power struggle is when you enter into a conversation with your child that never seems to end. There can be no winner because your child refuses to give up. Even if they are wrong, they won't give up.

When a child is in this mood it is best not to continue a conversation with them. Often, when a child is angry, they cannot see or think properly. This happened with one of my sons last night. He was very angry because the computer game didn't let him win a level. He became verbally abusive and refused to calm down.

Two minutes later he told me that he was ready to talk about the incident. I sensed that he was still angry, therefore wasn't prepared to talk and made him wait for about half an hour before I sensed that he had calmed down enough to hear me and have a conversation with him.

Teenagers, especially, have no logic when they want to argue about many things. They can know that they are wrong, yet still argue very persuasively that they are right. This is quite normal development for a teenager. I am not saying that it is acceptable. But if you have encountered this with your teenager at least you know that it is completely normal.

Our job is to choose not to engage them in the argument. We need to find a way to quickly move into another room or change the subject.

Critical Mistake # 6 Giving A Child Too Many Choices

I shall explain myself. Firstly, it is a good idea to give your children choices within limits. But too many choices can become a problem.

Take for instance, the four year old that is asked what she wants for breakfast: cocoa pops, cornflakes, weet-bix, nutri-grain, rice bubbles, porridge or fruit loops. The problem is that a young child isn't capable of making decisions that involve many choices. A good choice for a child would be offering them corn flakes or rice bubbles.

What we are trying to achieve is an amount of success with our children. If we give a child two choices and they pick one, they have experienced success to some degree. Then we can build upon that later by adding more choices. However, when we start with many choices we are simply confusing our children. We are not doing them a favour.

I use this technique very well with my strong willed daughter. Instead of telling her to have a bath each night, I say to her, "Becky, would you like to have a bath before dinner or after dinner?" This gives her a chance to express a bit of individuality and freedom to make a choice. But I have control over the choices and am still happy with both outcomes that I offer her.

Not only does this method work really well with my daughter, it also gives her a feeling of power and kids love to feel in control. There's nothing wrong with letting your kids feel like they can be the decision makers sometimes. It can greatly enhance self esteem.

Critical Mistake # 7 Lack Of Quality Time With Your Child

For many children, love is spelled T - I - M - E. As parents, we must understand that nothing else cuts it. Not gifts, not food, not anything else.

I remember last week, my fifteen year old said to me, "Mum, would you please get off that computer. You love that computer more than you love me". He really made me think about the amount of time I spend working when the kids are at home. David even said to me, "Mum, I would much rather have you spend time with me than have a million dollars in the bank. I don't care about your stupid web site. I want to spend time with you."

At the time that he said that, he had just finished an hour on the computer and was peeved off that I had removed him from it. But I still took the opportunity to think long and hard. Parenting is one big learning curve and I never want to be so proud that I am not willing to learn something. I took my son's words to heart that night.

I hope you have learned a few new things today from this report. These are just seven things that came to mind as I was thinking today. My prayer is that you will act upon some of these things and improve your capacity to be a happy and consistent parent.

Have confidence in all that you do and you can only do your best. Parenting is a journey and it is meant to be fun. If you are not having fun parenting, drop what you are doing right now, go and give your kids a big hug and tell them how glad you are that they are a part of your family.

Article written by Kim Patrick
http://www.parentwithpassion.com

Like any concerned parent's worst nightmare, my teenage son wanted to get a tattoo for his birthday. I thought he lost his mind and nearly got into a huge argument with him. Why couldn't he be just like all the other kids and ask for a video gaming console instead?

After a heated exchange of words, followed by a cool-down period with lots of contemplation, I slowly saw the error of my ways. All my son wanted was a tiny tattoo for a birthday present. It does not equal to the end of the world just yet.

In Canada, there is no age regulation for getting a tattoo, although most parlours require parental consent for anybody under the age of eighteen. I was thankful that my son respected me enough to ask for permission first. I'd much rather argue with him over getting a tattoo, rather than him going to an untrustworthy tattoo parlour behind my back. If my son wanted to get a tattoo, then it is my responsibility as a parent to fully support him however I can.

My first concern is the quality of the tattoo supplies. I have heard many horror stories about skin infection through unsterilized needles and equipment. To avoid this, I did hours of research online until I came up with a very reputable tattoo parlour with great reviews and references.

Another concern is the design and visibility of the tattoo. My son is still young and a bit naive, so he wanted the tattoo to be placed on a body part with as much exposure as possible. He did not take into consideration that very few employers would appreciate hiring somebody with a bright vibrant tattoo on the side of his neck. I definitely vetoed that suggestion, although I did recommend that he place it on the back of his shoulder - a common place for tattoos.

Since the tattoo gun came into origin during the late 1800s, getting body art has been made a much easier process. Previously, the traditional method was to literally hammer the ink into the human skin, which is not only painful but also prone to sloppiness and errors. The new tattoo machines can avoid these problems. There will still be some pain to getting a tattoo, but the amount is definitely more tolerable.

The tattoo machine operates with two needles. The first one involves tracing the outline of the tattoo. This is typically drawn in black or any other colour as the user desires. The second needle is used for the actual colouring process, as in filling out the colours within the outlines. The needles are designed so that the bottom base is wider.

It took a lot of effort and hard work to give my son the tattoo that he wanted, but I also learned a lot from the tattooing experience. And believe it or not, I believe getting the tattoo was a great bonding experience between parent and child. I would definitely feel prepared now if my daughter wants a tattoo as well...

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Every stage of life carries with it certain tasks of emotional development and adolescence is no exception. Adolescence is a major developmental bridge lasting from ages 10 and 20 and can be an extremely stressful time especially for a single parent. During this developmental period, adolescents have the following tasks to accomplish: establish their own identity; give up childhood dependency; develop their own values; deal constructively with authority; learn to deal with the opposite sex; and, handle their rampant physical and emotional changes. All this, while on the surface, rejecting their parent.

Recent research, however, indicates that teenagers learn to simulate the parent's values more than they do their friends. Although this may be surprising, it should also be viewed as helpful. The research indicates that the enduring values of their parent are in fact transmitted.

So then as a single parent you should take a look at what you can do to more positively influence your teenagers and get through the often tumultuous adolescent years with less stress.

Here are six actions you can take:

1. Don't fail their test of your love. If you must withhold, withhold your approval, not your love.

2. Don't insist on intimacy. Communication comes in many forms. If you are fortunate enough to have an adolescent who shares his or her feelings, that's great. If not, don't force it.

3. Be sure your teenager has some reasonable amount of privacy.

4. Set parental limits. Make your standards and expectations very clear, but not excessive. Excessiveness invites rebellion.

5. Take their problems very seriously no matter how small they may seem.

6. Finally, like everything else in life, realize that adolescence like everything else will pass. Keep your sense of humor and learn how to laugh at what is often only a temporary difficulty.

On the other hand, there are some indicators of genuine difficulty in an adolescent such as: schoolwork becomes a significant problem; there is persistent fighting and arguing at home; physical complaints, anxiety, and depression of a chronic nature; there is significant difficulty in your child's social life such that she begins to avoid friends and isolate from others; and, any self-destructive behavior, sexual promiscuity, drug use or abuse. Moreover, any mention of suicide should be taken seriously.

When professional help is recommended, often I will suggest family-oriented therapy, which involves to one degree or another the entire family. While at times adolescents do need their own individual counseling, time spent working with the entire family can be particularly helpful to everyone involved.

Will Barnes, Therapist and Business-Financial Consultant, for over thirty-eight years has counseled individuals and families in the areas of successful parenting, relationship building, personal growth, and making sound financial decisions. Visit http://www.yourconsultantsite.com for more articles on successful parenting, building healthy relationships and the other key areas. Also if you are a single parent, go to the can't miss site for single parents.

Dealing with difficult subject matters and having sensitive discussions is a part of life. However, when it comes to children broaching such topics can be challenging. Yet, if you know how to approach and explain these difficult topics so they can understand them in a thoughtful and age-appropriate way, the discussions will be less stressful and the resulting better for all involved.

If you are a parent take the time to review this set of general guidelines, as well as more specific suggestions for handling certain topics in order to arm yourself for those challenging discussions that are sure to come.

General Guidelines for Explaining Difficult Topics

No matter what the subject, there are certain principles that can be applied. Knowing what they are will give you a good base for your talk with your young children or teenagers.

Don't overwhelm them with details. Let your child be the guide and follow their lead as to how much information to give.

Remember to be age-appropriate with the amount and type of information you share. Details a teenager might be able to handle would not be assimilated the same way by a younger child.

Break down data in a way would benefit or address the concerns of the child in question.

Allow children to ask their own questions and respond honestly. Encourage openness.

Incorporate your family values into difficult discussions. If you are not sure how you feel about a certain topic or conversation your child what's to have, be honest, share your ambiguous feelings to your children. It is okay to let them know that you do not have all the answers, but that you can and will research the topic and try to find the answers they need.

If you want to have a discussion with your child plan an activity together, and have the necessary discussion while you are both busy at work or play.

While some topics may arise out of the blue, some are predictable. Therefore, plan to talk to your child earlier than necessary about subjects that are bound to come up. That way you will beat their peers to the subject!

Listen carefully to what your child to say about whatever topic is being discussed. You will gain clues on how much you should tell them or what they really want and needs to hear-what their concerns really are. Be patient with yourself and your child, talk as long as your child needs to.

Talking About Divorce

If a child is concerned that his parents may divorce but their relationship is healthy, he or she needs to be reassured of that. They also need to know that some arguing amongst adults is normal. The child simply needs reassurance that his family unit is stable and intact.

But if divorce is looming on the horizon, the conversation will be very different. However, it should always begin and end with reassurance. Tell them that they will always be loved and that will never change. Children need to be reminded that no part of the decision to divorce is a reflection on them.

Always addressed the general topic of divorce in a factually manner with an explanation that it is a reality for many families.

Talking About The Concept Of Being Gay

Whether the topic comes up as a generality or if a child asks about the same-sex parent of a friend or neighbor, the subject matter of being gay is another discussion that some parents are unease about or not prepared to have. This is an area where your values may come into play so you might want to tackle it form a factually point of view.

You can explanation to your child that some people happen to love another person who just happens to be of the same-sex. For a young child, this should be sufficient. For a teenager, the discussion regarding sexual orientation may be more complicated and fraught with legal and moral issues. No matter how you choose to handle this be open, and encourage your children to treat everyone as he would want to be treated. Remind them that whether or not a person is gay has no impact on their humanity.

Talking About The Death Of A Parent Or Loved One

Death is one of the most difficult subjects to bring up with children or teenagers. Nevertheless, when faced with it, there is no shying away from it. Communicating effectively about the topic can greatly help young people deal with loss.

Discuss the physical aspects of death, such as illness that couldn't be cured; injury that could not be fixed; and how bodies simply stop working at one point. In regards to the spiritual realm of death, values and religion reign. Share what your family believes. Comfort your children with the idea that death does not change love. Allow your child to openly express their feelings, be sure to provide a safe and judgment free environment for them to do so.

Talking About Strip Clubs

When your child notices the strip club on the highway on the way to school or church, you will most likely face another uncomfortable conversation. Luckily, this discussion does not touch close to home, so it can be dealt with in generalities as you discuss the choices some people make. Be sure to make it a life lesson. You can also explain that just like children have play area, such as amusement parks which are just for them, so does adults. Simply tell children that a strip club is place where some grown-ups chose to go to have fun.

Talking About Sex, Pregnancy And Where Babies Come From

Talking to your children about sex, pregnancy and where babies come from is one of those inevitable discussions that every parent has to have. One of the most important things to remember is to be timely with that discussion. If possible talk about the subject before your child hears about it from friends or classmates. So, you would want to start early on this topic. Simply as questions arise, answer them honestly, with small children being brief and simplistic is very important, don't divulge more information than is absolutely necessity.

Keep in mind that before deciding to introduce any difficult subject with your young children or teenager, have a game plan. Know how much information you want to share. Plan to be responsive to their input. And when subjects come up unexpectedly staying calm and being honest will save the day. Share appropriately to create a well-balanced child who know they can also came or look to they family for help in understanding the tough things in life.

Learn more at: http://www.unityinherited.com

Our kids' biggest complaint while growing up was that they had to share a bedroom. Since we have two boys and two girls, I saw sharing as a perfect and natural arrangement... two bedrooms... two in each.

They dreamed of the day when they would have a bedroom to call their own...

"If I had my own room I could listen to my favorite music all night."

"If I had my own room I could read mysteries all night."

"I want my own room so I can have the closet to myself."

"I want my own room so I can have privacy when my friends come over."

So when we decided to build a house, of course, their #1 request was for individual bedrooms. I didn't make any promises, but secretly thought it would make for smoother family life if the house we built had enough bedrooms for each child.

There would be no more arguing about who was the Messy One. I would hear no more shouts to "Turn off the light!" or threats against those crossing the line marking ". . . my side of the room!"

I would no longer have to stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell for everyone to "BE QUIET and GO TO SLEEP!"

When we finalized the house plans, there were enough bedrooms to eliminate sharing. Throughout construction our children talked endlessly about the possibilities and how "once and for all" it would finally be proven that "She was the Messy One--not me!"

The first thing I noticed after moving into our new home was that the messiness was evenly distributed. Then, I noticed that the boys, whose bedrooms faced each other, kept their doors open all night so they could talk to each other.

After we had been in our home several days I went to kiss the girls goodnight. Our oldest daughter wasn't in her room. When I looked in our youngest daughter's bedroom I found them both settled in there... together on the bed. "What are you guys doing?"

Giggling, they answered, "We're having a sleep-over!" They have since had many such sleep-overs.

We've been in our home several years now and I had forgotten all this until yesterday when my daughter and I were hiking and talking. She said she was glad that she and her sister are such good friends. I wondered how that came to be, because I remembered some of their battles with each other.

She answered, "I think it's because we shared a bedroom all those years. We would argue during the day, but once we were in bed with the lights out, we told stories and laughed and talked about our day and the people we knew. We gave each other back rubs and foot rubs."

She concluded, "I think it was during those times that we really bonded."

I wish now that I could go back to those days in our smaller home and change my call from the bottom of the stairs to, "Talk, laugh--don't worry about sleep! You will cherish this friendship the rest of your life."

See Celebrating Motherhood for helps in building strong mother and child bonds & attachment [http://celebratingmotherhood.com/about] as well as other parenting tips and encouragement.

Also enjoy a humorous look at the struggles that come with the celebration!

How many frustrated parents are left seething after yet another row which ends with their teenager slamming out of the room?

Here are 10 ways to help you understand and deal with your teen.

1. Have a clear boundary between your parent role and your friend role

You can be a friend to your child but sooner or later your parent role will clash. A teen should be able to tell a friend anything without being judged and parents just can't do that because they care too much. Be a good friend, but remember, kids can find friends anywhere. Good parents are extremely rare.

2. Be involved

This means being there even when it isn't easy or convenient and when they aren't interested in having you around. It's about knowing what's going on in your teen's life, heart and mind, and being there so they'll come to you if they're in trouble.

3. Make your teen accountable

It's your responsibility to prepare your teens for life. Teach them that if they want a certain lifestyle they have to put some effort in to achieve it. It's not about money, it's about responsibility, independence and being able to stand on their own two feet. Give them an allowance for jobs, but don't pay them if they don't do what they're supposed to. That's teaching them how the world works.

4. Listen to them

This means listening and understanding, not hearing and judging. Even if they're argumentative or disrespectful, don't interrupt. Try to get the message that's underneath. Often it's a cry for help. Remember, you're the grown up.

5. Explain yourself

If you explain your reason for making a decision, you'll help them to know how to make good decisions themselves. For instance tell them you want them home by a certain time because after that the streets aren't safe. Even if they don't respect it now, they will as adults.

6. Stand up for your teen

Back them up. They need to know you're behind them.

7. Tune in

Know what music they're listening to and everything they're involved in.. the names of their friends (and their parents). Check out their bedroom and downloads. If you don't you're shirking your responsibilities.

8. Be flexible

It's good to have rules, but if there are exceptional circumstances, it?s OK to bend them.

9. Share your interests

Shared interests mean you understand each other better. You learn together and share experiences. Believe it or not your teen wants to have some connection with you besides arguing over the car keys.

10. Keep talking even when they won't listen

This is a secret, but teens do listen to their parents. Even when they're yelling, your words do stick. Tell them what you think about smoking, drugs, sex and it will get through, even if it looks like it hasn't. If you don't, you're neglecting them.

Jay McGraw
Good to Know
Good to Know features lots of parenting advice including information on how to talk to children and a everything else you need to know when raising a family.

I have got two of them. You may have only one or you may have 6. At the time of writing, mine are 14 and 16. All full of hormones and letting the whole world know about it. They've got an opinion on everything and they're always right.

Sound familiar? At this point may I say that you have my sympathies.

First a few pertinent questions: have you searched for this article because your teenagers are driving you crazy? Have you just lost your voice in the latest bout of yelling? Truth be told is all the energy you've got left going to your fingers while you type on your keyboard? Is the keyboard taking the brunt of it right now? Bashing those keys are we? YES? Then read on! This may help.

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH: In fact take as many breaths as you think you need. This will give you some distance from the scenario and will defuse the intensity of the situation. It benefits both you and your beloved teenager, and gives you a chance to consider if this is really how you wish to engage with each other. This may be the end of it and you might not need to read any more. Congratulations, and have a great day. However, if after doing this you still feel the need to re-engage then please continue reading.

2. SAY YOUR PIECE: The operative word here being "say". Please try not to yell. When you have perfected this method, please email me and share how you did it without yelling. I was raised in a household where yelling was the norm, and even though as an adult I now understand the negative impact on the children when we yell, I still do it on occasions. It's rare but it does still happen. Try to remember your words are the same whether you yell or speak them. Say what you have to say, get your point across calmly and the chances are you will be heard. If you yell and stomp (I'm not a stomper by the way) then the message gets lost and they just won't hear you. Take as long as you need to, write it down if you have to, but get it out there.

3. STICK TO THE FACTS and don't use accusatory blaming language. Say "When you did that, it made me feel_____", rather than "You're always acting up and you're so stupid and useless." Keep focused on the matter at hand, and avoid using this latest incident to personify your child. Consider pointing out the "...stupid thing you did.." rather than "...you're so stupid.." Stay respectful and maintain your dignity at all times.

4. GIVE AND ASK FOR AN APOLOGY: It may or may not be appropriate for you to apologise, but this is for you to assess. If you think that your actions may have caused the argument in the first place then just apologise. Remember you're the adult, and you want to teach your teenager how an adult would behave. If they witness you engaging with them in a destructive way they will learn that this is how adults respond, and they will repeat the behaviour in their own adult life. If you think you deserve an apology then ask for one. It may not be forthcoming, but that is up to them. You only need to ask. Remember they are hormonal teenagers, and the last thing they want to do is accept they are wrong. Your job as the parent is to show them that sometimes you have to hold your hands up and take responsibility for your actions. Bear in mind that the apology may come many years down the line, when they are facing the same situation with their own teenagers.

5. TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM: Why? Because you do. The bond between parent and child is not broken because of a temporary hormonal imbalance your child is enduring. Sometimes they need the reassurance of hearing that you love them. Be the adult and just say it.

6. WALK AWAY: This is such an important stage in an argument with your teenager. Leave the room and let what you have said sink in. It may or may not have an immediate impact but it will get through at some level, and walking away is a very powerful way of exercising self-control.

At this point I was considering how I feel when things have become difficult at home with my own teens, and I'd like to suggest a bonus survival tactic. This does actually take the count to 7 not 6 as stated in the title, but as far as teenagers go, every tip helps! So here's number 7, and this one's a biggie:

7. LET IT GO: Remember you want them to go out in to the big wide world fully kitted out with the toolbox of social skills. You're the parent. They won't learn these lessons at school so take responsibility for teaching them. Also you have the benefit of experience. Your intensely hormonal teenager may think they know it all, but you really do know it all. This won't be the first time you have a disagreement, and the chances are it will happen again. Why exhaust yourself every time? Life really is too short, so give yourself a break and let it go. Rest assured they will remember and one day they will thank you for your calm, collected approach.

I really hope that my 7 survival tips have helped you, or at least given you some food for thought. However, if your stress levels are affecting you and your family, then take a look at this unique program which may help you. If your home situation is becoming violent or unmanageable then please contact your health care provider who will provide practical help and support.

I am Mumtaz Hussain and I believe passionately that every man, woman and child always deserves to feel fantastic about themselves. I'm a single mum of two and I've successfully created a fabulous life for myself and my children. Find out more about me at http://todaymumtaz.blogspot.com

It's Valentine's Day weekend, and how is your relationship with your teenager? Chilling as the cold frosty weather outside? Or is it warm and cheery that comes from the comfort of peace and tranquility?
Is your home filled with contention or harmony? Not that any special holiday is needed, but Valentine's Day can be a great time to begin a new with your teenager. Here are some ideas on how to share Valentines' Day with your teenager:
1. Say you love them
Many teenagers know that their parents love them, but may not hear it enough. The teenage years can be filled with joys and frustration for all involved. When conflict exists, a simple affirmation of your love can go a long way with your teenager. Although there is nothing like the spoken word, a note expressing your love for your teenager can also be meaningful.
2. Respect them
It is no secret that teenagers can be disrespectful to their parents. Yelling, talking back, and even derogatory physical expressions are common ways they show disrespect. The tempting part is to not reciprocate.
Respect occurs when you feel honored by another person regardless of a conflict or differing opinion. Some common ways of showing respect can be maintaining eye contact when talking, stopping what you are doing to listen to what they are saying, and avoiding name calling when arguing with another person.
3. Listen to them
Listening is so hard to do, not just for parents and teenagers. In the rush of what we want to say, our ears seem to take a backseat to our mouths. Yet, a person can feel very validated when another person is taking the time to listen, not just hear them.
Try taking some steps to be intentional on listening to your teenager. You know you are listening to the other person when you are not thinking about what you are going to say next!
4. Hold them accountable
Teenagers would love nothing more than to have complete freedom, without responsibilities, and no rules to live by. Where do I sign up for that lifestyle!
Unfortunately, that is not real life. As a parent, you do a big service to your teenager by holding the accountable for their actions with reasonable consequences. It will teach them responsibility and help them achieve the independence which they think they are entitled.
5. Communicate with them
One great way to keep informed of what is happening with your teenager is to communicate with them. Communication is simply an exchange of ideas between two people. It does not mean there is an agreement. In fact, often there is a disagreement between the two parties, yet they are able to discuss the matter in a calm, rational manner.
6. Forgive them
Parenting a teenager is difficult, and it can be a challenge to any sane rational human being. It becomes easy for anger and resentment to set it. However, this only leads to further disruption to your parent-child relationship.
Forgiveness is essential in a successful parenting relationship. Being able to love them where they are at, warts and all, and let go of resentment can be challenging. But, it can be the key to a closer relationship with your teenager.
As Valentine's Day approaches, what can you do to show your love to your teenager? Do you need to say those three important words of "I love you?" Do you need to implement more love and respect in your parenting relationship?
How about trying to hold them more accountable for the decisions he/she makes? Are they any areas where forgiveness needs to be played out more? Take the first step to improving the parenting relationship with your teenager!