Argue With Your Teenager

It can be very difficult and stressful when two parents are not getting along or are not in agreement about how to parent. This becomes more challenging with teenagers because they will quickly understand what is going on and will make every effort to use it to their advantage. In addition, it can be very hurtful for teenagers to witness their parents not getting along.

As you know, parenting can be very challenging and even more challenging when parents are not on the same page about rules, consequences and parenting in general. Even more challenging is when two parents are not getting along at all due to separation, divorce or other stressors in the relationship. Generally in these situations, emotions are high and parents are hurt, angry, frustrated, sad or any number of other difficult emotions. Despite how difficult such situations are, it is critical that parents do not let their children witness their conflicts. I cannot tell you the number of children who I have seen for therapy who are emotionally damaged and extremely confused because their parents constantly argue and say negative, rude and disrespectful things about one another. I am not suggesting that it is easy to keep all of these emotions to oneself, however, these emotions should be shared with other adults or professionals and not with one's children.

Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:

1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child's other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child's ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.

2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a "good parent" and a "bad parent". Generally the "good parent" lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the "bad parent" attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) but it is critical that it get done. When doing this, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades or else there will be consequences while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.

3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.

Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe. The above described parenting situations can be very difficult and emotionally draining and sometimes last for a prolonged period of time. If you are a parent experiencing such difficulties in parenting consistently with your child's other parent, it is important that you get support for yourself so that you can both take care of yourself and be strong for your child.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com] or email Karen@elite-life-coaching.com.

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

"My teenagers are driving me crazy! I love them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but I just don't like being around them right now. I can't get them to stop fighting with each other...arguing with me...disobeying...being disrespectful. I'm going to lose it if something doesn't break soon."
Sound familiar?
If you're at this stage in your parenting, you probably feel absolutely hopeless. Your teenagers are running the show, and it's going to take commitment and resolve to get the power back-but it's vital, for their sake and yours!
Fact is, you're the parent.
You love your kids - it's part of the reason this is so exasperating and exhausting. You want things to be different, and you believe they could be. You know your kids would be much happier if they got on board with your expectations, but you just can't seem to find the way.
There are ways to achieve that, but first you need to realize that your teenagers are in crisis right now. They've been floundering without a lot of structure, and, probably with a lot of yelling and/or anger. So, before you can make behavioral expectations of them, you need to set behavioral guidelines for yourself. There are five rules for you to implement before you take the steps to reach your teens. Before you argue that it's impossible for you to behave well in the face of the way they treat you and each other-but if you can't do it, how can you expect them to?
Here are the difficult but basic rules you need to follow consistently:
Teenagers Promo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• No yelling at them-they probably don't hear what you say when you yell anyway.
  
• No arguing with them - you're the parent, you don't have to defend yourself or convince them.
  
• Smile and say kind things more than you say negative things. Teens are a product of what they perceive your expectations of them are. If they believe you expect them to act like monsters, they will. Empower them to behave well.
  
• Apologize when you mess up.
  
• Tell them you love them every single day.

Once you've made progress toward implementing those rules, you're ready to tackle the problems with the Six Steps toward reclaiming the power in your home.
1. Strip them of everything. This isn't the time to start with lectures like, "The next time this happens, there will be a consequence." I'm guessing you've been down that road. Now it's time to send each them back to their birthday, and let them work their way to the life of comfort and leisure they want, but don't deserve. Again, this is not cold-hearted. This is vital for the health and happiness of the whole family and so that these teenagers will grown into well-rounded, self-sufficient, respectful adults. That includes things like:

designer clothes
makeup
music
iPods
cell phone
television
sports
activities
etc...everything non-essential to life

2. Put it in writing. Make a list of the non-negotiable behaviors you demand from them. Short of meeting those requirements, they will receive only what's required by law: food, shelter, education. Anything else must be earned back. Slowly. If it's not in writing, it's open to interpretation. Then later, when they push back and want to argue about your expectations, don't reiterate them, tell them to do their own research, and read your list.
3. Require outreach. Get them involved in helping someone or volunteering somewhere that has nothing to do with benefiting them in any way. Let them see how rough some people have it. Once a week, or once a month will go a long way.
4. Get help! It's very important that, during this time, you seek the help of a spiritual leader like a pastor or youth leader who can help drive the point home. These efforts must be intentionally supported outside your home in order for them to have the greatest impact. A school counselor is good...but you really need and want the spiritual connection, too.
5. Don't rush the process. They shouldn't feel that treating people with kindness and respect deserves an iPod. What we're talking about here are the basic behaviors all human beings should extend toward each other. So let the process go on for a while so it really makes an impact. At a certain point, you'll know when it's been long enough-when the changes have taken root in the heart and aren't just on the surface.
6. Pray. Are you praying for your kids every single day? Are you talking to them about what's bothering them or making life challenging for them? Be sure to let them know how much you love them and let them see and hear you pray for them.







Blessings,
Nicole O'Dell, Choose NOW Ministries
...battling peer pressure by tackling the tough issues
Nicole O'Dell, founder of Choose NOW Ministries is a youth culture expert, who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life's tough choices. She is the author of a bunch of YA books, including the popular Scenarios for Girls interactive fiction series and the upcoming Diamond Estates Series, 2011-2012. Non-fiction for teens includes Girl Talk, 2/1/12, which she wrote with her two daughters based on their popular blog column by the same name, and O'Dell's desire to bridge the gap between parents and teens is evident in her adult non-fiction like the upcoming Hot Buttons series.
The host of Teen Talk Radio where "It's all about choices!", Nicole dives in on topics like peer pressure, dating, purity, drugs, alcohol, modesty, popularity, decisions about the future, and many other things that might come up along the way. Over the years, Nicole has worked as a youth director, a Bible study leader for women and teens, and a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. She lives in Illinois with her husband, Wil and her six wonderful kids--including a set of toddler triplets.

If you are the parent of a teenager, I am sure your patience has been tested more than once. In addition, if you are the parent of a rebellious teen, your job is probably even more trying. So what can you do as a parent, to really help a difficult teen? I think the most important quality you can have is to be unrelenting. Do not ever give up on them, on helping them, standing by them, or on parenting them. If you do, who else will they have?
As parents, our job is to love our children unconditionally as we guide them through childhood and into adulthood. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those difficult days...the days when we are exhausted, frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not infinite. There is always an end. Be unrelenting.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life, pursue them and show attentiveness in what interests them. Attend any events they may have, or accept and participate in any of their leisurely activities that you can. For instance, if you have a child who likes to ride skateboards, go and watch them at the skate park, get to know their friends, maybe attend a professional event with them, like the Dew Tour. Whatever it is they are currently passionate about, get interested in too. Also, be sure to let your teen know that you will always be there for them and that you are always available to listen.
Another part of being relentless is choosing to never give up. No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to learn more, to seek answers, to find the help you need. Nobody is born knowing all there is to being a parent. Therefore, learning is going to be a part of the process. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.



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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.

But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.

(Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)

How often do parents hit their heads against that attitude! Parenting is never easy, but for a job that requires no previous experience and has no formal training course, most do it remarkably well.

Let's face it - where would you be without your kids... OK... stop thinking about that world cruise and a new Beemer!

A wise or prudent parent, if faced with issues and problems should not just rely on yelling back at disruptive or over-demanding children. There are techniques and tips to help available out there in cyberspace.

Do you find yourself banging heads with your two year old - who is just being a two year old - hey "the 'ego' has landed"!

Of course, your teenagers know more than you do - don't they... or do they?

And, of course, their constant bickering and fighting is easily dealt with... right?

One of the best clues I ever discovered is don't buy into the power game with kids. As a parent, as a teacher or whatever! You won't win.

So don't ever fight with them. Settle the problem when the kids are not angry.

Don't even think about arguing with them. You only hype them up and it's not worth it. If they persist in trying to get you to react, simply leave them in the room and go to your bedroom or parents den. Talk about frustrating them...lol...they didn't get a rise out of you after all... and they probably didn't care whether they won or not - they are establishing themselves (so they think)

Remember, behavior, rather than words, is the greatest teacher. And, your life as a guiding star (read parent for that) will be easier if you:

are consistent
a listener
communicate positively
give praise, not just punishment
exercise self control yourself - especially if you expect the kids to.
when you say 'no' mean it - buy don't over use it. Yes, works better, in the right context
be a parent, not a pal
spend time with the kids - regularly
stay married and in love (if possible)

Knowing their parents love each other and work together at their marriage is the greatest basis for stability in a child's life.

Peter Damien Ryan
Is a qualified family counselor

Technology has vastly improved over the ages. People are constantly inventing new and improved technology, that some of us can't even dream to know how to use. Our children on the other hand, are already experts on everything to do with technology. Growing up in this era has made them extremely tech savvy, and they have a grater understanding of the topic then we ourselves do. That's why it makes no sense that the South Australian Attorney-General John Rauare and other members of government are meeting to discuss the possibility that parents should have complete access into their children's Facebook accounts. They are arguing that "[If] the world all of us live in day-to-day requires rules to stop people doing things which are hurtful or dangerous to other people then it stands to reason that the virtual world needs some form of policing," he said. "People need to understand that in some particular circumstances this (online publication) can actually jeopardise a police investigation or perhaps equally harmfully can place the family of a victim or a victim themselves in an extremely embarrassing or dangerous situation."

Mr John Rauare has a point, but like most of us does not fully understand this technology and how much our kids understand of it either. Kids now days are aware of the risks when signing up for social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace and twitter. They already have the knowledge needed to understand that once you post something it can never be removed. We need to stop worrying about what our children and teens get up to on these social networking sites, and actually check them out for ourselves. Parents have this obsession in their minds that their children are going to be attacked by 'pedophiles' or are going to be brutally cyber bullied but this is not the case. If you actually took the time to speak to children, more than half hadn't experienced either of these incidents. Children are aware and mature enough not to get caught in these dilemmas and do not need a parent to watch over their online activity. Even if we did give our parents access to their child's account it doesn't necessarily mean they would actually follow through. Research has showed that while 64% of parents are concerned about their child's safety online 65% don't use parental controls and 62% allow their kids to use the internet unsupervised.1 So if given the chance to monitor their children's cyber safety do you think parents would actually do it?
Another flaw with this argument is the issue of privacy. I conducted a survey of 28 teens aged 12-15 and found that 15 of them would be extremely upset if their parents had access to their accounts.2 It robs them of their privacy online if their parents can see all their messages to friends, view all their photos, see who they're friends with and view everything that goes on in their online lives. Why should we have to go so far as to 'spy' on our children, just because we may be concerned about their safety? Why haven't we thought to just ask our children if we can view their Facebook page instead of going into their personal business? No child especially in their teenage years wants their parents to see all their private conversations. If your child was talking to their friend you would go up to them afterwards and ask them to tell you exactly what they were talking about! It's the same with their Facebook's pages. It's their way of keeping in touch just like teens in the 70's and 80's used to talk for hours on the phone with their friends. When you put the facts out like this it seems quite astonishing that parents would want to know this much about their children's lives.
Parents that are concerned about their children's safety should educate their children on how to deal with these situations, and encourage them to talk to their parents and teachers about any problems they have. You should be able to talk openly with your child about anything, but if you go along and invade their business, it has the same effect of just reading a personal diary or listening in on phone call. Children will feel the need to hide things from their parents which is not a healthy relationship to have. So a message to all parents is, talk to your children, understand and educate them about the dangers but respect their privacy. Maybe then the government won't have to go to these extreme, unfair and ultimately wrong measures.
1. Research done by Microsoft Australia "For Safety's Sake" (PDF)
2. Survey conducted using survey monkey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PNGPDYD

I know what you're going through and I know how you feel. You have defiant teenagers and you are trying to get them under control, but it feels like all of your efforts are useless and you are losing hope. You try being forceful and they push you away; you try to let them learn their own mistakes and they just fall into a deeper hole. You don't know what to do anymore and you want some kind of hope.

Well you're not alone. There are other parents just like you who are in the same situation. We all have problems every once in a while with our kids, it just depends on how we handle the situations. All defiant teenagers have their own reason for being rebellious, and we have to figure out what it is and go from there.

But for any parent, here are some techniques that you can apply right now:

1. Don't be afraid to discipline your defiant teenagers. You need to give them consequences for their negative action. If you don't, they start to think that they can get away with it, and that is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish. They need to realize that they cannot get away with bad behavior, so consequences such as: No TV, no cell phone, no dance classes, or something that is a loss of privilege. Remember: You're defiant teenagers do not have rights, they have privileges and they can be taken from them at any time. You also want to make sure you give your reason as to why your disciplining your defiant teenagers. Let them know why they got in trouble.

2. Always remember to reward your defiant teenagers when they do something right. Consequences for negative actions; rewards for positive actions. If your kids know what is good and what is bad by the responses to those actions, then they will naturally go for the good things so they can receive an award. I know it sounds like they are relying on the rewards instead of the actual behavior, but you can eventually lean off the rewards and their actions will still be positive.

3. Stay calm. No matter what your defiant teenagers do, you must stay perfectly calm. If you show any sign of feeling out of control, then your children will think they have won. You have to stand up and (without yelling) show your authority. If they continue arguing and yelling at you, calmly take away a privilege for a day or two. If they can drive, take their car. You can take them to work if they really need it.

4. The phrase "Monkey See, Monkey Do" has a bigger meaning than we think. You have to be the example that you want your defiant teenagers to be. If they do not have something to look at and become, then they do not know how to change. You want change, but you have to show them what to change into as a person.

I hope you enjoyed my article and I hope everything goes well with you and your defiant teenager.

When we judge by the statistics, it is estimated that about 100,000 people kill themselves a year in the USA. Of this number only 30,000 are reported as suicides. Of these 30,000 people, 2000 are in their teenage years.
First, the most important fact of suicide: Even if a person does die by suicide, that doesn't mean he chose it. If he knew he could have his life back without so much pain, he would choose life. Suicide victims are not trying to end their life; they are trying to end the pain.
Number one cause of suicide is depression. Depression is not the same thing as the "blues". The blues are normal feelings. Blues pass in a short time, say a couple of weeks. Depression lingers on or comes to pester a person over and over again carrying death.

Depression is a whole body disease affecting thoughts, feelings, behavior, physical health, appearance, and all areas of a person's home, work, school and social life. Yet, depression can be treated successfully just like other illnesses such as diabetes, pneumonia, ulcers, etc. Depression is an illness that surfaces when triggered by a complex combination of genetic, psychological and environmental factors. For its treatment, therapy and very often medication are needed.
Anyone can get depression at any age. If someone is suffering from depression, he is not weak or crazy; although, he may feel like he is going crazy. He does not have a character flaw. Having depression is not his fault. When a person has depression, he cannot talk or think himself out of it.
Image via WikipediaSometimes people who are severely depressed and contemplating suicide don't have enough energy to carry it out. As the disease begins to ease up, they may regain some of their energy, but may still have feelings of hopelessness, even though in the outside, they may seem to be calmer. At this time, they may try to kill themselves because they feel they just can't fight it anymore.
If you feel a teen is thinking of suicide, the first thing to do is to be direct. Ask them straight out if they want to kill themselves. They may answer you with a joke, but make sure that they understand you are serious and that they answer you seriously.
Emergency measures if you feel that a person is about to kill himself:
Do not leave the person alone unless you are in danger yourself. Studies show that most people will not harm themselves when they are with someone.
Listen to what the person says. What might seem trivial to you can be overwhelming to the person in pain.
Be the link to get help.
If you're a teen yourself call your parents, their parents, another trusted adult, or better yet 911.
If you are an adult, call the parents or any other help available.
For suicide to happen three conditions are necessary:
1. Intense and excruciating psychological pain
2. Wish to die being greater and more persistent than the will to live
3. An available self-injury method
Parents, family members, and friends should not panic, but they should be on the alert when they hear certain statements, especially when they are told in clusters, bits and pieces, and a little too often. These following statements may be the indication of depression as a disease:
"I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel like crying a lot. I feel so alone. I feel so helpless.
I don't have fun anymore. Sometimes I feel I can't go on living. I don't want to go out with friends anymore. I feel "different" from everyone else.
I don't really feel sad, just "empty". I feel like I'm in a fog.
I don't have any confidence in myself. I don't like myself.
I smile, but inside, I'm miserable.
I feel scared a lot of the time, but I don't know why.
I feel mad a lot, like I could just explode. I'm always getting into trouble. Sometimes I do things that are dangerous or that could hurt me. I use alcohol or drugs to escape or to mask feelings.
I don't feel like talking--I just don't have anything to say.
I'm so restless and jittery. I just can't sit still.
I can't concentrate. I have a hard time remembering. I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to "work".
I feel so disorganized, like my head is spinning.
I feel so self-conscious. I don't want to make decisions; it's too much work.
I'm so tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I don't feel like taking care of my appearance or myself. My whole body feels slowed down; my speech, my walk, my movements.
Occasionally, my heart will pound very hard; I can't catch my breath; I feel tingly; my vision seems strange; and I feel like I might pass out. This passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again. (This statement points to panic attacks.)
I'm frustrated with everything and everybody. I feel my life has no direction.
I have trouble falling asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.
I don't feel like eating anymore. I feel I could eat all the time. I've gained or lost a significant amount of weight.
I have headaches, stomachaches, backaches, and/or pain in my arms and legs. I feel dizzy a lot.
My vision seems blurred or slow at times. Nothing I do makes me feel better."
Signs of Trouble:
Abrupt changes in personality
Giving away possessions
Previous suicide attempt
Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Change in eating pattern - significant weight loss or gain
Change in sleeping pattern - insomnia or oversleeping
Unwillingness or inability to communicate
Extreme or extended boredom
Being careless and accident prone
Unusual sadness, discouragement or loneliness.
Talk of wanting to die - the words mostly used are: ending it all, end, finish, stop
Neglect of academic work and/or personal appearance
Family disruptions - divorce, trauma, losing loved one
Running away from home or truancy from school
Rebelliousness - reckless behavior
Withdrawal from people/activities they love
Confusion - inability to concentrate
Chronic pain, panic or anxiety
Perfectionism or restlessness
Life Events That Could Trigger Suicide:
Major loss...of a loved one
Other major losses like a home, car, pet, prized possession
A trauma, or loss of a relationship
Divorce in the family
Problems with school or the law
Breakup of a romance
Unexpected pregnancy
A stressful family life (Having abusive parents, parents who are depressed or are substance abusers, or a family history of suicide)
Loss of security or fear of authority, peers, group or gang members
Stress due to new situations; college or relocating to a new community
Failing in school or failing to pass an important test
A serious illness or injury to oneself
Seriously injuring another person or causing another person's death, maybe in a car accident
------------------
The following are the guidelines given by the Yellow Ribbon organization.
To Help a Suicidal Teenager:
Deal with your own feelings first. The idea of young people wanting to kill themselves is difficult for adults to grasp. The first reaction is often shock or denial. Trust your feelings when you think someone may be suicidal. A second reaction might be efforts to argue, minimize, to discount the young person's feelings of despair. Remember that most young people who contemplate or attempt suicide are not intent on dying. Rather, at the moment, the pain of living is more unbearable than the fear of dying.
1. Listen, don't lecture. What the young person really needs in this crisis period is someone who will listen to what is being said. Try to understand from the teenager's viewpoint.
2. Accept what is said and treat it seriously. Do not judge. Do not offer platitudes.
3. Ask directly if the individual is thinking of suicide. If the teenager has not been thinking of suicide, he or she will tell you. If the young person has been thinking of it, your asking allows the opportunity to bring it out in the open. Isolation and the feeling that there is no one to talk to compounds suicidal thinking. You will not cause someone to commit suicide by asking them if they are suicidal.
4. Talk openly and freely and try to determine whether the person has a plan for suicide. The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk.
5. Try to focus on the problem. Point out that depression causes people to see only the negatives in their lives and to be temporarily unable to see the positives. Elicit from the person's past and present positive aspects which are being ignored.
6. Help the young person to increase his/her perception of alternatives to suicide. Look at what the young person hopes to accomplish by suicide and generate alternative ways to reaching the same goals. Help determine what needs to be done or changed.
7. Help the person recall how they used to cope. Get the person to talk about a past problem and how it was resolved. What coping skills did he or she use?
8. Evaluate the resources available and help identify the resources needed to improve things. The individual may have both inner psychological resources and outer resources in the community that can be strengthened. If they are absent the problem is much more serious. Your continuing observation and support are vital.
9. Do not be misled by the teenager's comments that he/she is past the emotional crisis. The person might feel initial relief after talking of suicide, but the same thinking could recur later.
10. Act respectfully. Do arrange with the person to be back in contact within a few hours. Offer yourself as a caring and concerned listener until professional assistance has been obtained.
11. Do not avoid asking for assistance and consultation. Call upon whomever is needed, depending upon the severity of the case. Do not try to handle everything alone. Go to the child's guidance counselor, principal, parents, minister, etc. Seek out referrals from hotlines, etc. Convey an attitude of firmness and composure so that the person will feel that something appropriate and realistic is being done.





Joy Cagil is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/. Her background is in foreign languages and linguistics. Her portfolio can be found at http://www2.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/joycag/

I think most parents would agree that parenting a teenager is a unique and complex job that offers both joy and frustration to their lives. If you add an behavior defiant or out of control teen to the mix, things get a little bit more difficult. Nevertheless, as their parent, you need to do what you can to help your teen make it through adolescence while still maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with you, his parent. The question then becomes "How do I do that?" My answer is general, and two-fold.

1. Continue to get guidance and learn new tips and techniques for dealing with your teenagers specific areas of difficulty.

2. Choose to possess the qualities of relentlessness and unconditional love in your parenting of them, no matter what. What I mean is decide today that you will never give up on them, on helping them, or on parenting them. If you do, whom else will they have?

As parents, our job is to not only raise our kids up to be happy, law-abiding, contributing members of society, but also to love them unconditionally through the process. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those unmanageable days...the days when we are worn out, defeated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not unnumbered. There is always an end to whatever season you are in with your child. Therefore, be unrelenting as a parent.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? Quite simply, keep working on your relationship with them, and in helping them develop positive healthy characteristics within themselves that will serve them well in this world. A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life. Show an interest in the things they like, weather you like it or not. Be genuine. You love them, so enter into their world and find out what it is that they really enjoy. And then find ways to participate in that with them. For example, maybe you can go to a music concert with them, or a sporting event of some type.  Pursue them.

Another way to be relentless is to commit to constantly learning and growing in ways you can effectively parent them. None of us come into parenthood with an automatic perfect skill set to raise our children from start to finish. There is so much we do not know. And there are things we think we know, but obviously do not by the outcomes we are seeing. Being able to admit that and learn new ideas is really important. There is a lot of learning that we as parents end up doing. Being unrelenting means that when you are at a loss for what to do, that you do what it takes to get the help and the answers you need.

In conclusion, no matter how difficult your teenager is right now, keep pressing forward. Continue to love them unconditionally. They are your child.  No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to find the help you need. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.

Tina is a happily married WAHM of 4 boys, a freelance writer and advocate for families and parents. She enjoys seeing stressed out parents and broken relationships put back together. All children need their parents, whether they know it or not. And all parents can grow in their parenting skills, just as their children grow in their ability to challenge them.

Family life is great, and if things are difficult and unhappy at home, then you must find the help you need to restore things once again. Your family can be happy, but it may take some work to get there.

If you found her tips useful and want to read more in depth material about helping your out of control child or teenager then visit her here at: Out of Control Teenager or at: Difficult Defiant Kids

You can hear the arguments now. Your teenage daughter comes down stairs with her hair dyed red, bright red. Your teenage son is yelling for a later curfew. You go back and forth. It goes a little something like this...

"Mom, come on, 10:00 is ridiculous."

"10:00 pm is your curfew, you know that."

"Everyone else can stay out 'til 11:00."

"You're not everyone else. Now stop arguing with me." (Even though you're arguing right back)

"I hate living in this house!"

"I am not telling you again! 10:00 pm and that's it! End of story!" (Of course, not really, because you both keep right on going)

"It's not fair!"

"A lot of things aren't fair. Your curfew is 10:00, now stop or you can't go out at all."

"I am not a child!"

"I am not saying it again. 10:00 pm!" (So that makes four times)

Sound familiar? By now, you are both probably frustrated, tired, and never want to talk about curfew ever again. Except you will, the next time your teenager tries to negotiate his curfew. Power struggles are easy to get into and hard to get out of. It's all about being prepared.

The first question to ask yourself is, "Is this battle worth fighting?" Picking your battles is a critical step in maintaining your sanity with your teenager. Arguing every hair dye job, piercing, bad habit and decision will run you ragged, and in the end neither of you really win. What can be negotiated and what is a firm rule? Anything pertaining to safety, for instance, would be something you may consider non negotiable. Something that violates a basic house rule may also be another non- negotiable.

TIP: Choose three to five firm house rules (i.e. curfew, homework before television, refrain from cursing) that you see as having no wiggle room. Consistently stick by these rules and communicate the importance of these rules to your teenager through your words and actions.

There is some truth in "teenagers will be teenagers." Teenagers strive for independence, acceptance from peers, and control of their lives and decisions. At the same time, they need (and want) consistent limits. Set consistent limits and consequences. And follow through, follow through, follow through. Mean what you say and say what you mean, then do it!

TIP: Think about logical consequences for rule breaking. If your teen is an hour late for curfew, they get an hour taken off of the next time they go out. If they don't do their homework and watch t.v. all afternoon instead when the rule is homework first, no t.v. the next day. When the rule makes sense to you, it makes sense to them, although they'll never admit it!

The next thing to ask yourself is, "What are my choices in responding to my teenager?" Remember the "D" word...disengage. Getting into a power struggle, fighting for control with your teen is a battle not worth fighting and pointless to win. Set the limit (i.e. 10:00 pm is your curfew), disengage (walk away), remain calm and follow through with consequences if necessary.

TIP: Think ahead about how your teen may respond. What is their typical response in arguments, for example over curfew? By preparing yourself for what your teen will say, you can plan for the most effective response.

Think about connecting the DOTS...

Disengage-avoid power struggles, set the limit and walk away

Options-when possible give your teen options; give them a chance to save face

Take Five-that goes for you and your teen; if discussion or negotiation gets too heated, agree to take five before continuing the discussion

Strategize-think ahead to the potential responses of your teen so you can plan your own strategy, or response (i.e. disengage, reflective listening, empathy, give choices).

If you are currently parenting a teenager you know how frustrating and even scary it can be.

Let's face it, parenting a teenager can be confusing, too. Sometimes learning what NOT to do is easier than trying to figure out what new idea to add into your parenting style.

I have been parenting for over two decades and am currently parenting my third teenager. Based on my own experience, here are the top three worst things you can do while parenting a teenager. Just avoiding these can go a long ways towards building a successful relationship with your teenager and thereby improving the harmony of your home.

Mistake #1. Ignoring your teenager

Teenagers are intense social animals. The stage of development they're moving through is complex and confusing to them. Their days are often anything but calm and stable. As their parent, you can sense this just by being in the same room with them or listening to their conversations with their friends.

If you are uncertain as to how to guide them, in your genuine frustration you may have fallen into the trap of ignoring your teen. If you simply don't know what to say to your teen's rude facade or embarrassing questions or painful silences then you may have decided to hunker down and just try to get through these difficult years in one piece.

Mom or dad, if that description sounds familiar, please take heart. There are better and easier ways of parenting your teenager. In fact, if you are ignoring your teenager, you are choosing the most difficult path available to you, from a long-term perspective.

Let's get something straight. It's okay if you don't know what to say to your teen. What your teen needs most from you is to be *heard*. Instead of walking away when an uncomfortable conversation begins, take a deep breath, look into your teen's eyes and intensely listen. If you have been ignoring your teen for awhile, it will take some time for your teen to believe that you are really interested in them. Be persistent. You teenager will be unable to resist your offer to listen unconditionally.

Mistake #2. Avoiding problems

This is different from ignoring your teenager. As teens are maturing into young adults, they naturally explore more and more adult-type issues. Sometimes a teenager gets in over his or her head and desperately wants your help but doesn't know how to ask.

Sometimes a teen will taunt you, as their parent, with a forbidden behavior, challenging you to stand up and BE the parent.

As their parent, the best thing you can do is to face the problem head on, even if you have feelings of uncertainty yourself (and you probably will). If necessary, get professional help. Let your teenager see you are taking his or her problems seriously. Talk to them and then listen, listen, and listen.

If you find that there is a great deal of arguing going on in your household, then that needs to be the first problem you stop avoiding.

Show your teen how an adult behaves in such a situation.

* You can show your teen how to stay calm and in the moment.

* You can model quality listening.

* You can let them know that you are developing a plan of action.

* You can show them how to get help when help is needed.

Whether it's failing grades, suspected drug use, promiscuity, or speaking disrespectfully, avoiding the problem will only make it worse. That's not what you want. (If you would like more parenting teenager strategies, please see the resource box following this article.)

Mistake #3. Letting your teenager call all the shots.

If you are unsure of how to guide your teenager, you may have fallen into the habit of simply letting them do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Of course, this is a recipe for disaster.

There is a reason we adults are called to parent our children right up until the late teens.

Because they NEED parenting. Desperately.

Ideally, as a child grows he or she is slowly given more freedom and responsibility until, as a young adult, he or she is ready to take care of themselves completely.

However, since parenting is definitely an on-the-job training gig and hindsight is 20/20, many of us parents arrive at the teen years with a sense that we'd have done things differently had we known better.

That's okay. Start from where you are and move forward. Be honest with your teen and tell him you can see where changes need to be made that will benefit everyone involved.

Parenting a teenager means setting boundaries with your teenager that reflect your family's values. Enforce those boundaries consistently. Get help if you need it. Listen to and hug your teenager everyday. Don't ever give up.

In other words, be the parent. One day at a time.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 25 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at http://www.paintedgold.com Visit her website and grab more parenting teenager strategies today.