Why Teenage Girls Need A Good Relationship With Their Dads

The teen years can be a challenge to say the least. For teenage girls this time is crucial as they are developing their character and establishing morals and values that will define who they become. It's a time when young girls learn many of life's lessons that will carry them into their adult years. To say that teenage girls are impressionable during these years would be an understatement. These girls need a good, solid relationship with their parents. In particular they need a good relationship with their father who is able to instill the needed character traits and values that will help to lay a solid moral foundation for life. Listed below are several reasons that teenage girls need to have a good relationship with their dads.

As a father and a Christian I believe one of the most important reasons to have a good relationship your teenage daughter is to earn her trust and respect. When you as a father lead your family by example, exemplifying the love of Christ through your life, what begins to take place is you begin lying a biblical foundation for her and that foundation is Christ. Once this foundation has been laid you then begin building upon Him who is more than able to hold this young life in His hands. Upon that foundation a father can begin to pour his heart into his teenage daughter's life building her self esteem. A self esteem that is God centered rather than one that is centered on the things of this world. When self esteem is Christ centered rather that self centered there is a world of difference. Christ centered self esteem says that my self esteem or myself worth comes from who I am as a child of God in Christ. I am a child of the Most High. When this is realized then one's self esteem becomes something that cannot be taken away by man. My self esteem is not based on the type of car I drive or based on how much money I have. It's not based on how big my house is or where I live. Where I work or who I associate with. None of these determine my self esteem. My self esteem is found in Christ. If a teenage girl finds her self esteem in Him. That is a good foundation in deed.

Another reason for a teenage girl to have a good relationship with her father is that the father may show his daughter by example what a healthy relationship is and how to establish healthy boundaries. Teenage girls are very impressionable. The way you conduct yourself in your marriage with your wife, with your fiancée or girlfriend can greatly influence what type of relationship your daughter might have as she gets older. If all she sees is arguing, fighting or god forbid some type of physical abuse in your relationships there is a greater chance of her allowing this type of destructive behavior in her relationships. Gaining the trust of your teenage daughter doesn't come by force or by fear but by example. As a Christian father I can show my daughter what a healthy marriage is. What it is to communicate in a healthy manner even if my wife and I disagree on something. We can agree to disagree respectfully and in love. As a father it is not only our responsibility but our privilege to raise our daughters and set a healthy, Godly example for them. A teenage daughter watches how her parents interact. If the mother and father have a relationship with a rocky foundation that includes inappropriate behavior taking place in the home it is more likely that the daughter may follow this pattern. She in turn will gravitate towards someone who will act out in the same manner her parents did. I as the father can set the standard or be the example of what a Godly man is and how a healthy relationship works. It is vital that I lead the family and set the example for my daughter.

It can't be said enough that teenage girls need a good relationship with their dads. The teen years for girls are some of the most important years that they will have. The teen years are when a substantial amount of who they are and who they will become takes place. It is vital that we fathers take the time needed to poor into our daughter's lives. To do so is not just your duty; it's your responsibility and privilege.

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Understand the Teenage acne

If you've spent any time learning about teenage acne products, then you probably already know how many of them is here. Each product claims to be the alpha of remedies, and yet, only some of them appear to still contribute to a low level. When you search more acne itself, is not only the products which vary; There are also many ideas different on the causes and effects of this common teen affliction.

The simple truth is that without a clear understanding of what acne is and what it produces, it may be difficult to find an effective treatment against the teenage acne. Worse that this, without an effective method to reduce acne, psychological effects can be quite devastating; the emotional and social impact that a bad case of acne in your teen years can leave you with one complex following you in your adult life.

To begin to understand the problem we shall watch that acne is, that it causes, and then we will move to some simple ways you can reduce acne in your teen years.

What is acne?

Acne is a condition of the skin that is caused by the overproduction of oil in the skin by skins oil glands. Plugged pores, blackheads, white ears, buttons, and even the cysts may be the result of when oil from these glands gets trapped in the oil-ducts under the skin. Cases of Acne can range from mild, where only a few form buttons or the black spots on the face, for more serious cases, in which wound covering the entire face, neck, back and shoulders.

Although most common Acne can affect anyone of adolescence. The problem usually begins in adolescence, when a child reaches puberty (generally between 10 and 13) and he commonly last for five to ten years. Acne Teenage goes away normally during the early twenties, but not always. Even in adulthood, you suffer from this condition.

When it comes to information about acne, there are several conflicting resources and ideas. To really get a start in the prevention of teenage acne, a basic knowledge of its real causes is required.

What are the causes of Teenage acne?

The causes of acne are sometimes supported, but research on the topic gives us an understanding. Let's talk first about what causes not acne. This will help get rid of some of the myths surrounding acne.

Diet does not cause acne: eating fatty foods, of chips or chocolate bars not give you acne. Some studies link aggravating acne diet, but what you eat will it not cause in the first place.

A healthy sex drive does not cause may: another widespread is sex causes acne. This is simply not true. Birth control pills can trigger or aggravate acne in women, but even then, it is not the cause of the problem.

Exercise will not cause acne: you've probably heard say that if you sweat, you might get zits. Once more it is not true. Exercise will not your face are beginning to pop out all over, and it is an important part of your overall health that you exercise.

Dirt does not cause acne: a face dusty or dirty will not cause acne. It is important to keep clean, wash your face every 10 minutes will be steps to prevent or even help with your acne. Washing can too even more cause skin irritation. Bad hygiene can aggravate your acne, but yet again, it is not the cause.

The real cause of teenage acne is in the oil glands in your skin in your hormones. In your hormones adolescence as, testosterone and other hormones androgen kick into high gear. This usually occurs around the same time that a child hit puberty. These hormones trigger oil (sebaceous glands) glands in your skin to produce more than one substance known as sebum.

When working properly, use of sebum is to transport the dead cells of the skin and the bacteria on the surface of the skin. With the increase in production, however, your body produces too sebum and he obstructs your pores. These clogged pores then lead to blackheads, whiteheads, buttons and even the cysts that can get under the skin.

Understand how acne starts, it is time look at how to reduce teenage acne.

How Simple reduce Teenage acne

The simple fact is that you can't control your body hormones. However, you can control the health of your skin. By ensuring that you keep your skin healthy, you increase the chance of any work properly, thus reducing the chances that you will suffer from acne.
Studies have shown that the best way of treating teenage acne is to keep your healthy skin. The treatment of right with avoiding things that aggravate acne is the best remedy. There are skin care products for acne prevention and reduction, such as our own teenage acne, which may reduce the severity and duration of the small groups. These types of treatments are entirely natural and are not difficult on your skin.

Now that you know a little more acne, you can better control and you will be able to choose the products that actually work in your quest for clear skin.

About the author.
Johanna Curtis is a professional skin care under license (personal care), which works with parents and adolescents in their struggles with the teenage acne. She is the teenage - acne .net creator; a community site, created to support people with acne problems. Johanna suggests the damaging not topical treatment, Acnezine, first in the treatment of teenage acne

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Your Angry Teenager

Every child shows anger and defiance from time to time. And he should! If he doesn't, there's something wrong. It's just part of the normal process of getting through adolescence, on the way to adulthood.

It's a matter of degree. If you have a consistently angry teenager, one who has become withdrawn and sarcastic, who thinks you don't know anything, who won't follow the rules and is just generally difficult and defiant-that's more than just a phase. Now you have a real issue that needs to be dealt with. If you can't get it fixed, you risk ending up with a troubled, angry, adult who can't maintain relationships, stay married, or even handle financial matters well. This is according to a recent study that tracked angry, defiant kids for 40 years, to see what happened to them.

In the meantime, you're still responsible for him, and he's in your home, making your life a living hell-and of course he's in great pain, too. You want to help him (or her), but you don't seem to know how. Every attempt you make to relate, or just to spend time, or find out what's going on, what's wrong, why he's angry-- is rebuffed, or ends up in another fight.

When the level of anger and defiance and rule-breaking becomes extreme, and lasts for more than six months, your child may have "Oppositional Defiant Disorder", or "ODD".


1. Repeated temper tantrums

2. Constant arguing with adults

3. Refusal to comply with rules and requests

4. Deliberately annoying others

5. Easily annoyed by others

6. Blaming others for his or her mistakes

7. Frequent outbursts of resentment and anger

8. Spiteful and revenge-seeking behavior

9. Saying mean or hateful things

If not dealt with, ODD can escalate into aggressive behavior towards others or toward animals, such as fighting, bullying and cruelty. It can also lead to destructive behavior such as arson or vandalism. At this level, you're dealing with a more difficult problem, called "Conduct Disorder" (CD). These children usually have little or no remorse and feel no guilt about hurting others. This, of course, is a serious emotional and behavioral disorder which demands early and effective treatment. Drug abuse, violent and criminal behavior, and suicide are often preceded by unresolved Conduct Disorder.


The precise cause of ODD and CD isn't known, but it's probably a combination of genetic, biological, social and environmental factors.

1 Genetic: Many youngsters with ODD and CD have family members who have mental illnesses, which suggests that the disorders can be inherited.

2 Biological: It's believed that defects or injuries to the brain, or brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) being out of balance can lead to ODD and CD. Also, many children and adolescents with these defiant disorders also have ADHD, learning disorders, or depression.

3 Social: Low socio-economic status and poor peer relationships seem to be associated with ODD and CD, especially Conduct Disorder.

4 Environmental: Dysfunctional family life; inconsistent and overly-punitive, or even cruel parental discipline; mental illness in a parent; or substance abuse in the family may contribute to ODD/CD.

If your teen, or even pre-teen, is evidencing symptoms of ODD, it's most important to seek care immediately. ODD is bad enough. You certainly don't want to see an escalation into Conduct Disorder.

If you haven't already gotten one, an evaluation by a child psychologist is indicated. You need to find out, as best you can, what is underlying the defiance and anger of your angry teenager. Is there ADHD, or depression, or a frustrating or self-confidence-crushing situation with peers or at school that he or she doesn't know how to deal with? Do you yourself have an anger problem? An angry, out-of-control parent is terribly upsetting and frightening to a child, and can contribute to his fear and lack of self-esteem, which gets expressed as anger.

There are several different types of therapy and counseling, not to mention dozens of books, and CDs and DVDs which can offer guidance. There are also a number of programs available through colleges, hospitals, and online.

Bob Harvey enjoys writing on health and family issues, and also enjoys uncovering existing resources and helping give them wider distribution. For more on "Angry Teens", visit Teens Trouble

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2 Tips On How To Deal With A Lying Teenager

It is not that easy to raise a child these days, what more if you are raising a teenager? Yes, my heart goes out to you if you are currently having a hard time dealing with your lying teenager. Now, in this article, we will give you 2 tips on how to deal with a lying teenager. Read on!

If you think that your child is now doing things and hiding them from you, then the best way to go about it, and to stop your child from doing this to you is by following the 2 tips on how to deal with a lying child.

1. So you caught your child hiding things from you and lying about it as well. Then there is no need to go ballistic on your child. This will only result in your child wanting to be more secretive than ever. This will also lead to more arguments between the two of you. So the best way to go about it, is by simply talking to your child. Try to find out why your child is now lying to you. Try to make him feel that he/she can always come to you not just as a parent but as a friend as well. Allow your child to open up to you by LISTENING. If you do this, then there will be no more of the lying games that your child is playing with you.

2. Your child is mad at you, maybe because you grounded him/her. Now, because of this your teenager starts to do things behind your back. Thinking that no amount of reasoning with you will help him/her, so your child resorts to lying. Now, do not let this be your case. You have to explain to your child why he/she got grounded in the first place. And that it is not necessary to lie to you. You have to put down your walls, and try to be there for your teenager. You also have to remember that this phase in your child's life is all about rebellion. So do not push your child away. Talk to your child!

It is not that easy to be a teenager, and it is not that easy to be a teenager's parent. To avoid arguing with your teenager, then the best way to do so is by opening a line for your child to be able to communicate with you openly.

These are 2 tips on how to deal with a lying teenager.

Are you frustrated and exhausted from arguing constantly with an oppositional, defiant child? Do you "walk on eggshells" around your child, avoiding conflicts that will "set him off?" Have you tried everything to stop the hostility, anger and aggression and all you get is more of it?

It doesn't have to be like this! In just 5 minutes you could hold the answer of oppositional defiant disorder treatment in your hands...visit

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A Guide to Teenage Behaviour Problems

Your angel has just entered the magical 13 and all of a sudden the equations between the two of you have undergone a sea change. You suddenly find your lovely daughter getting moody, irritable and she has stopped coming to you for advice. You feel she has started keeping secrets from you and you are no longer her best friend.

So what has changed all of a sudden? Why does she not spend as much time with you as she used to earlier? She has also started arguing more with your husband and is hardly on talking terms with her younger brother. She had always been a good student and all of a sudden you find her grades going down. She has her own peer group and tries to be with them most of the time. At times when you try talking to her she just shuts you out or walks out on you leaving you frustrated and tearing your hair in anger.
You had always heard horror stories from your friends and relatives regarding their teenage sons and daughters but were confident that you will never have to face such a situation yourself. You suddenly find all that confidence crumbling to pieces and like most parents throw up your arms in despair.

What are the sudden changes that you see in your teen? The rules around the house are not followed. Her room is suddenly out of bounds for you. If you do manage to sneak in when she is not around you will find it to be very dirty and shabby. Her diet has undergone dramatic changes. There are some signs of her experimenting with alcohol and drugs. There are constant complaints from school regarding her attendance, lack of concentration and grades going down. Most parents' worry that their teens might turn into drug addicts or try unprotected sex with disastrous consequences.

The immediate reaction of parents when they start encountering problems with their teens is to blame themselves. There are others who start blaming the raging hormones for everything. Well the problem is neither with you nor with the hormones. Teenage phase in one's life is the most interesting and most teens get confused as they are outgrowing their childhood years and making the first tentative steps into adulthood. They are in a dilemma and don't know whether to behave like a child or an adult. There are also a lot of physical changes that are taking place and all these things happen so fast that they are caught unawares.

You may also find your teenager getting into a depressed state of mind and this might happen on a frequent basis. At times the depression lasts for days and may well stretch into a week or more.

What are the symptoms of teenage behaviour problems that you as a parent need to look out for and how can you be of help? The most visible signs of trouble in your teen's life are restlessness, aggression, sadness, hopelessness, anger, frequent crying, fatigue, losing interest in studies, withdrawing from family, change in eating and sleeping patterns and in some extreme cases suicidal thoughts.

The reaction of most parents is extreme and your teenage son or daughter withdraws further into a shell and instead of seeking your help goes further away from you. So how does one go about turning the tide and getting things back in order without losing temper and build a relationship that will stand the test of time? First and foremost stop trying to be your teen's best friend. You are his or her parent and that is the role they expect you to play in life. You must lend unconditional support and there should be no strings attached. Learn to listen and control the urge to advise them on everything and encourage them to find solutions on their own. You need to be gentle yet firm. Try and teach them that there will be consequences to their reckless behaviour.

Let them express their feelings without fear and try to build trust. Don't start lecturing but try to talk to them in a polite way. If you fear that your teen might start experimenting with drugs or sex let them know the dangers associated with them. Find out about their peer group and invite them home. Appreciate and reward every good behaviour or act on the part of your teenager. Ensure that rules around the house are followed by seeking their cooperation. Teach them discipline and good habits. Be firm when required and don't give in to your teens tantrums. There may be times when they try to push you around but if you stand your ground they will eventually come to respect you. A parent requires a lot of love, tact, understanding and firmness to help restore normalcy. Don't give up on your loved one, all they need is a bit of guidance to help cross the sea of teenage and step into the ocean of adulthood.

In the book "Solving Teenage Problems", the causes and symptoms of teenage behaviour problems have been described in detail. The book also gives over 30 different tips to deal with teenage behavioural issues. Finally the book provides with 8 different models to prepare for better relationship with your teenager. Knowing all these techniques will be very crucial and would help you to navigate through this difficult phase with ease.

The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer goods company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting techniques. She specialises in parenting tips. You can access her free report "New Parenting Style" or buy her book "Solving Teenage Problems" on or check your "Parent Stress Intensity Quotient" on

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Defiant Teenagers - How to Handle an Out of Control Teen

How do I handle my defiant teenagers?

First off, I want to say that I understand what you're going through. You have defiant teenagers who just keep arguing and fighting against you. You feel hopelessly lost and you want to find some way to help you get closer to your kids...

You're not alone. Almost every parent has to deal with defiant teenagers at one point in their life. Some handle it beautifully, and some... well you get the idea. Either way, we want what's best for our kids and watching them act the way they do hurts us. No matter how hard we try to create a relationship with our kids, it seems like it only pushes them away and that is exactly what we don't want.

Realize that you are more than likely doing more right things as a parent than bad. A lot of parents will condemn themselves because of what their kids are doing. Realize that you have most of it right, but there is that 10% of things you can change that will drastically change your teen's behavior. Some of the biggest problems that separate us from our defiant teenagers is when we are in the middle of arguing over something that is usually silly. We seem to lose control of our emotions and yell back at our children, thinking that raising our voice will make them listen more, but it only feeds their rebellious attitude. In the middle of a situation (or even out of one), here are some tips that will help you out:

Remain calm and control your emotions - Just by staying calm will already give you the upper hand. Defiant teenagers feed off your feelings of anger and lack of control. If there are no feelings for them to feed off of, it will significantly lower the situation.
Know that it's okay to discipline your kids - Too many parents are scared to ground their child, thinking that it will only worsen the relationship, but instead it will train your defiant teenagers that negative actions come with negative consequences. That is the way it is with life, so they must learn now before it they get hit hard when they go out in the real world. They will also respect you more, because you won't allow disrespect.
Don't forget to reward positive actions - Negative actions require negative consequences, but don't forget to give rewards to positive actions. If they do something that you are happy and proud of, treat them to a dessert or go take them out to watch a movie. Kids want to spend time with their family. They want that love from us and they want us to look at them and be proud of them. Most defiant teenagers are that way because they don't think they can ever be what we want them to be so they kind of just give up and don't even try. If we show them that we love them no matter what, then we'll definitely see some results.

Put these tips into action and see your defiant teenagers become more respectful and loving in no time. Teenagers want us as parents to be there, even when we don't see it. We have to be there for them, but make sure they realize that there are consequences if they get out of line.

There are many other tips and steps that you should take to fully see your defiant teenagers become the kids that you've always wanted. You don't have to spend an arm and a leg to find the right programs out there to help you out. I would recommend a program that has never failed anyone when trying to help with their child. I've seen it help others and I would highly suggest it if you really want to see results and see your defiant teenagers change forever. It's called "My Out of Control Teen", and it's very cheap.

You can check out my review at: []


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Dealing With the Stubborn and Argumentative Teen

You will be surprised to hear that very few teenagers actually like to argue with their parents. It makes your teen feel unimportant and misunderstood.

Some teens will walk away from an argument throwing "You just don't understand!" your way, while others stubbornly keep trying to get you to hear what they are saying - and parent and teen wind up in a heated argument.

Arguments drive people apart, and you and your teen are no exception.

Why is it so easy to argue with a teenager?

Lack of expression - Due to the teen's lack of communication skills, their questions are easily perceived as criticism by parents - and we get defensive.

Desire to be independent - Teens want to be independent and have some input and control over their lives. They want to be able to make small decisions on their own, without the parent telling them how and when.

Curiosity - Teens are starting to get interested in life and what goes on around them. In their awkward way, they are attempting to get at the reason for our actions. They form opinions and wonder if our way is the only way.

Inflexibility - If your teen feels he is being controlled or pressured, he will either resort to stubbornly ignoring you and what you are saying, or he will argue.

In fact, your teen could get so focused on getting his way or to have his opinion heard, that nothing else will matter to him. For instance, repeatedly asking your teen to do his homework could result in him not doing his homework at all - and your teen will not consider how this will affect his grades.

A few simple steps to avoid this type of stubborn opposition:

Give your teen responsibility. Instead of arguing with your teen about homework, monitor his or her grades. Your teen may do surprisingly well. If not, you have a basis to sit down with your teen and discuss a plan on how to improve his or her grades.

Allow your teen to make decisions on matters you know he can handle. At the same time, let him know that you are ready and available if he needs help. Involving your teen in decisions about him does not take away a parent's power, but it shows your teen that you accept him as an individual and are ready to give him a chance.

Assign tasks, but step back and let your teen handle the details. There is a very good chance your teen will do the task differently than you would. For some parents it will not be easy at all to let the teen try it a different way when you know what works, but allow your teen to experiment.

Either you and your teenager will find that there is another way to come to the same result, or your teen will have to admit, after several wasted hours, that your way is the right way after all.

Some tips to avoid getting into heated arguments:

Don't allow your teen to get loud - Your teen needs to learn that not everybody has to think alike and that it is possible to discuss matters peacefully even if you don't share the same opinion.

You are in charge - Parents can end a conversation at any time and continue as soon as you both calmed down. Don't allow your teen to get rude.

Control your emotions - What your teen is saying might make absolutely no sense, lack any logic, or may be impossible. Don't let your emotions take over; stay calm, focused, and discuss facts.

Listen and ask questions - Restate what your teen is saying or asking to make sure you both are still on the same page. Find out where his or her opinion is coming from.

Once your teen feels that you are paying attention to what he or she is saying, whether you are validating it or not, they will no longer feel the need to argue in order to get their point across.

It also teaches your teen that he or she can indeed work with you through important life decisions. You will be surprised how quickly you will see a difference in the way you and your teen interact.

Christina Botto, author of Help Me With My Teenager - A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents that Workshas been involved with helping parents and teenagers resolve complicated issues for more than 14 years, observing and developing parenting strategies.

This article is available for reprint with author's resource box intact and all links live and clickable. Copyright is reserved by author.

Parenting your teenager doesn't have to be frustrating - visit Parenting A Teenager, where parents can find Christina's articles and book, news for Education K-12 and College, LIVE Counseling, and a variety of other tools and resources for parents of teenagers.

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Difficult, Defiant and Rebellious Teenager - What Can a Parent Do?

I think most parents would agree that parenting a teenager is a unique and complex job that offers both joy and frustration to their lives. If you add an behavior defiant or out of control teen to the mix, things get a little bit more difficult. Nevertheless, as their parent, you need to do what you can to help your teen make it through adolescence while still maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with you, his parent. The question then becomes "How do I do that?" My answer is general, and two-fold.

1. Continue to get guidance and learn new tips and techniques for dealing with your teenagers specific areas of difficulty.

2. Choose to possess the qualities of relentlessness and unconditional love in your parenting of them, no matter what. What I mean is decide today that you will never give up on them, on helping them, or on parenting them. If you do, whom else will they have?

As parents, our job is to not only raise our kids up to be happy, law-abiding, contributing members of society, but also to love them unconditionally through the process. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those unmanageable days...the days when we are worn out, defeated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not unnumbered. There is always an end to whatever season you are in with your child. Therefore, be unrelenting as a parent.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? Quite simply, keep working on your relationship with them, and in helping them develop positive healthy characteristics within themselves that will serve them well in this world. A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life. Show an interest in the things they like, weather you like it or not. Be genuine. You love them, so enter into their world and find out what it is that they really enjoy. And then find ways to participate in that with them. For example, maybe you can go to a music concert with them, or a sporting event of some type.  Pursue them.

Another way to be relentless is to commit to constantly learning and growing in ways you can effectively parent them. None of us come into parenthood with an automatic perfect skill set to raise our children from start to finish. There is so much we do not know. And there are things we think we know, but obviously do not by the outcomes we are seeing. Being able to admit that and learn new ideas is really important. There is a lot of learning that we as parents end up doing. Being unrelenting means that when you are at a loss for what to do, that you do what it takes to get the help and the answers you need.

In conclusion, no matter how difficult your teenager is right now, keep pressing forward. Continue to love them unconditionally. They are your child.  No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to find the help you need. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.

Tina is a happily married WAHM of 4 boys, a freelance writer and advocate for families and parents. She enjoys seeing stressed out parents and broken relationships put back together. All children need their parents, whether they know it or not. And all parents can grow in their parenting skills, just as their children grow in their ability to challenge them.

Family life is great, and if things are difficult and unhappy at home, then you must find the help you need to restore things once again. Your family can be happy, but it may take some work to get there.

If you found her tips useful and want to read more in depth material about helping your out of control child or teenager then visit her here at: Out of Control Teenager or at: Difficult Defiant Kids

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Don't Argue When Dealing With Teenagers!

Even if they are looking for an argument or are being staunch about their request, do not fall into the trap of arguing with your teenager! Things will get out of control if we are not controlling ourselves and our parenting. And at the end of the day, whether we enjoy it or not, we are continually role-modelling good behaviour; the type of behaviour we want our children to emulate, especially later on when THEY become parents.

Ask that their perspective be a reasonable one! That after-all, is what they expect from us. We can not control the thoughts and actions of our troubled teens but we do have the right to expect a reasonable perspective with all our interaction. The skills they will require to develop this, they will learn as we guide and lead them with patience, love and mutual respect.

If their perspective is not reasonable and in fact is actually quite unreasonable, tell them you need time to think about what they have said because now we need to consider OUR perspective.

Do not lose your temper and start yelling when dealing with teenagers because more than likely your teenager is going to end up yelling back at you. Parenting teens requires us to be far more effective and responsible than that!

Look at getting back to them in the morning if communication between you is becoming strained. If we are struggling to control ourselves or if in fact we are actually instigating or encouraging the problem by being aggressive and defiant, it is imperative we remove ourselves from the situation and return when our emotions are under control. I'll even go so far as to say conversations with our teenagers will only get out of control if WE'RE not controlling ourselves.

Teens know how to push our buttons, although be aware that sometimes it's not intentional. Most teens in fact actually NEED us to be good examples and would be the first to be disappointed if we let them down with similar behaviour to their own; as unfair as that sounds! But they'll only push our buttons if we allow that to happen.

Remain calm as adults should do when having a difference of opinion with someone. This is the only way to settle any potentially volatile situation.

Our teens have enough pressure, frustration and communication issues at school and with their peers. Teenage-hood is fraught with stress (at school, with friends), melodrama and some unhealthy habits (poor diet, smoking, drugs and alcohol).

Make home a place where they know how things are and why! It's a place where there's a lot of love, support and rewards. Consistency and lots of fun will help get you through their teenage-hood.

We need to make our teen's life a whole lot better by showing them that we care a great deal about them, and providing a warm, loving respectful home. If we can try hard to minimize the stresses and anxiety in their lives, this will greatly contribute towards alleviating the home of unwanted tension and problems.

The less tension and problems in our teenager's life, the less reason they have to argue, struggle and fight with us. And that's got to be a good thing!

Gail Taitoko is an experienced school teacher of 20years, mother of 5 awesome adult children and currently teaches/manages a youth training programme for early high school leavers. Find some helpful tips on confidently parenting your teens at:


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How to Deal With a Defiant Teenager

How to deal with a defiant teenager? Can it even be done at all? Seemingly overnight, your once pleasant child has turned into a moody, defiant teenager, and you are left feeling hurt and angry, and doubting your skills as a parent. A defiant teenager will disrupt the harmony of the whole family!

By learning some skills on how to deal with a defiant teenager, you will get your kid listening to you and respecting you again, and get the peace back into your home!

First, always remember, that your teen does not really want to be defiant and disrespectful. He is in that awkward stage called adolescence--no longer a child, but not quite an adult yet. Yes, it is not an easy time for him or her, but then, it is not an easy time for you either! There is hope, though.

If your child is constantly texting or emailing? Take the if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em approach. This is one sure fire way to get to communicate again with your teen, without all of the screaming and arguing! Cell phones and the internet are here to stay, so learn these ways of communicating with your teen. He will be too amazed to argue!

Lying is another tactic of angry teens, but one that parents do not punish harshly enough. Lying absolutely must not be tolerated under any circumstances! You can learn how to gain respect from your teen again, and discipline him effectively. As the parent, you must be the one in control. Teenagers have the innate ability to make parents feel like they are doing a less than good job, and that they have no control.

Many parents have suffered through the seemingly never ending teen years, only to turn out a well rounded young adult! Arm yourself with as much information as possible, learn how to deal with a defiant teenager, and stay ahead of all of his disrespectful behavior and you too will end up with a young adult whom you can be proud of!

One of the best places you can get even more great information that will really help you learn to deal with a defiant teenager is also one of my favorite websites - visit today and get started getting your family back. Click Here: Defiant Teenager Help.

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How to Deal With Teen Anger

You were never under the illusion that teenage years of your children would go by in a smooth manner and were mentally prepared for it but when it hit you, the force of the impact took your breath away. You never expected it to be so bad and needed all your mental strength and self-belief to stay afloat. Most parents do have difference of opinion with their children even before the magical teen years but when these differences manifest themselves in ways you didn't expect, it is then you get hit the hardest.

You had always considered your teen an angel of peace but when you started getting reports of violent behaviour from school authorities and of bullying from parents of his classmates you thought they were exaggerating. But when your neighbour's child nose got punched you knew that you can no longer brush the issue under the carpet. It was time for you as a parent to look at the causes and the solutions of your teen's anger.

The easiest way to drive your teenager further away will be to react angrily, shout and abuse. Such a reaction would only further aggravate the situation. So what do you as a parent do now? Do you just wish that all this disappears on its own or do you lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on for your teenager? Most teenagers are confused souls seeking a direction in life.

This is how you can be of help. If both of you have been arguing for hours without a solution in sight, you will need to walk away and address the problem when things have cooled down a bit and both of you can think and react in a rational way. You will need to stay calm even in the face of rude and aggressive behaviour and explain to your teen than such actions are very hurting. This one of the most effective ways to deal with teen anger as you can show them that you are different from them and you do not react in the same way as them.

You will need to express your feelings and encourage your teen to do so, as the source of teen anger is often bottled emotions. You would also need to find the trigger to all this violent behaviour, as this could be the key to help you solve the mystery. Keep your questions neutral and focus on the problem. If you choose to attack your teen and not the problem you will lose in the first round itself.

Let the teen explain their side of the story and be patient in hearing it out without interrupting in between or passing sarcastic comments. Most of the time all they need is for someone to hear their story and not be judgmental. Some teens need to be encouraged to speak out and you will need to gently bring them out of their shell and give them enough confidence to express themselves.

Keep a straight face and don't try to put down your teen by your facial expression. Don't force them into doing something immediately about it. It is not going to be easy and you need to walk a few steps with them before they choose to walk with you.

In the book "Solving Teenage Problems", various anger management tips have been provided to deal with teenage anger in an effective manner. The book also provides with 8 different models to prepare for better relationship with your teenager. Knowing all these techniques will be very crucial and would help you to navigate through this difficult phase with ease.

The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer goods company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting techniques. She specialises in parenting tips. You can access her free report "New Parenting Style" or buy her book "Solving Teenage Problems" on or check your "Parent Stress Intensity Quotient" on

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Motivating Your Unmotivated Teenager - Why Do Teenagers Change?

If you are trying to motivate your teenagers to change, your efforts beg the question "Why do teenagers change, anyway?" The answers to this question are critical and will help you avoid frustration while they take you in a more promising direction.

Based on motivation research, there seem to be three conditions necessary for teenagers to change their behavior:

1. Teenagers change in response to something of intrinsic value. This is why externally-applied consequences--punishments and rewards--tend not to be effective. Teenagers must connect the considered change to something of intrinsic significance in order to feel motivated to take a chance on changing. You will have little luck in motivating them without a sense of what is intrinsically important to them.

2. The teenager must be ready and willing to change. This sounds too obvious to need to be stated, but it drives home an important point: change will not be forced. If you attempt to compel a change with a teenager, you are likely to get the opposite of what you intend. And if that is not bad enough, that frustration will be accompanied by lots of discord, arguing, hostility, and general overall unpleasantness. So you have an unmotivated teenager--no positive change--with whom you now have a lousy relationship.

3. The teenager is in an environment that is characterized by safety, acceptance, and empowerment. Since the prime factor in this environment is your relationship, that relationship must be safe, accepting, and empowering in order to be motivating. While you may be displeased with their performance, you must dial back your criticism (this is the acceptance piece) and have your conversations focus more on their feelings, goals, and desires than yours. They must know that they can express themselves to you in a civil fashion and have their thoughts, perspectives, and feelings be acknowledged (this is the safety part). It is in this kind of relationship that they can feel empowered.

A mantra I teach the parents of my teenage clients is this: Acceptance facilitates change. It does not guarantee change nor direct it. But it is acceptance that gives us the freedom to take the risks to strive in a different direction. As true as this is for all of us, it is that much more true for teenagers.

So, if you want to have a truly motivating relationship with your teenagers, don't try to force the change that you want. Find out what changes they desire. Discover what is intrinsically important to them. Create the safety that promotes motivation by listening to them without criticism or judgment.

Dennis Bumgarner, ACSW, LCSW is a family counselor who has been consulting with parents for more than 35 years. He is the creator of the parent training video "Get the Behavior You Want from Your Child" as well as the DVD "Kindness, Courtesy, and Respect" for children. Additionally, he is the author of "Motivating Your Intelligent but Unmotivated Teenager." He is in demand as a trainer for parents, schools, and social service agencies and had provided hundreds of training presentations around the country.

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I Feel Like My Teenager is Ruining My Relationship With My Spouse - Partner

The stress of raising a teenager can affect us in many ways. One way it can affect us is by putting a strain on other relationships in our lives. I have heard many parents of teenagers discuss that they feel like their child is coming between them and their spouse or partner. What is important in such situations is being able to recognize this and address it by changing the dynamic.

What often happens is that teenagers learn that they can create conflict between their parents as a means of taking the focus off of them. Not only do they do this but they are often very skilled at it so that parents don't even recognize what is happening. As parents, it is common that you may have different ideas about rules or how to respond to certain situations with your teenager - this is not a problem in and of itself. It becomes a problem when teenagers recognize that you are disagreeing because then they can use it to their advantage to create further conflict between you and your spouse or partner which takes the attention and focus off their behaviors. Being able to disagree privately and present as a "united front" is priceless in dealing with teenagers. In addition, it is important to not get so caught up in the stress of parenting that you forget to put time, energy and effort into your relationship with your spouse or partner. It is really important that you and your spouse or partner take time with one another and make one another a priority despite the stress and challenges you may be facing related to your teenager.

Below are some tips for parents to help keep your relationship with your spouse or partner strong while facing the stress of raising a teenager.

1. Don't argue about parenting in front of your teenager. If you remember one thing this should be it! If your teen is aware of such conflict, they will use it to their advantage which will likely create further conflict between you and your spouse. Teenagers are not doing this to be malicious, however, if they see an opportunity to get themselves out of trouble they will take advantage of it.

2. Respect your differences in parenting. Although this can be a challenge, know that having differences and being able to share different ideas can result in the best overall parenting - as long as you are able to come to some compromise. Just because your spouse or partner thinks differently than you does not make them the "bad guy". Remember that you both want what is best for your teenager and that you are acting out of love.

3. Take time for each other. Make sure you make spending time alone, without focusing on your teenager a priority. Set a date night, go to a movie, go for walks together and make sure you are still able to laugh with one another despite all the external stressors in your lives.

4. Seek professional help. If you are feeling like things are not improving or that they are getting worse in your relationship with your spouse or partner, you may want to consider seeking the professional help of a coach or counselor. This can be a very successful intervention to help you get things back on track which will result in your feeling happier and more fulfilled in all your relationships.

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [] or email

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, over the phone and in the home.

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

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Parent Vs Teen: No One Wins a Power Struggle

You can hear the arguments now. Your teenage daughter comes down stairs with her hair dyed red, bright red. Your teenage son is yelling for a later curfew. You go back and forth. It goes a little something like this...

"Mom, come on, 10:00 is ridiculous."

"10:00 pm is your curfew, you know that."

"Everyone else can stay out 'til 11:00."

"You're not everyone else. Now stop arguing with me." (Even though you're arguing right back)

"I hate living in this house!"

"I am not telling you again! 10:00 pm and that's it! End of story!" (Of course, not really, because you both keep right on going)

"It's not fair!"

"A lot of things aren't fair. Your curfew is 10:00, now stop or you can't go out at all."

"I am not a child!"

"I am not saying it again. 10:00 pm!" (So that makes four times)

Sound familiar? By now, you are both probably frustrated, tired, and never want to talk about curfew ever again. Except you will, the next time your teenager tries to negotiate his curfew. Power struggles are easy to get into and hard to get out of. It's all about being prepared.

The first question to ask yourself is, "Is this battle worth fighting?" Picking your battles is a critical step in maintaining your sanity with your teenager. Arguing every hair dye job, piercing, bad habit and decision will run you ragged, and in the end neither of you really win. What can be negotiated and what is a firm rule? Anything pertaining to safety, for instance, would be something you may consider non negotiable. Something that violates a basic house rule may also be another non- negotiable.

TIP: Choose three to five firm house rules (i.e. curfew, homework before television, refrain from cursing) that you see as having no wiggle room. Consistently stick by these rules and communicate the importance of these rules to your teenager through your words and actions.

There is some truth in "teenagers will be teenagers." Teenagers strive for independence, acceptance from peers, and control of their lives and decisions. At the same time, they need (and want) consistent limits. Set consistent limits and consequences. And follow through, follow through, follow through. Mean what you say and say what you mean, then do it!

TIP: Think about logical consequences for rule breaking. If your teen is an hour late for curfew, they get an hour taken off of the next time they go out. If they don't do their homework and watch t.v. all afternoon instead when the rule is homework first, no t.v. the next day. When the rule makes sense to you, it makes sense to them, although they'll never admit it!

The next thing to ask yourself is, "What are my choices in responding to my teenager?" Remember the "D" word...disengage. Getting into a power struggle, fighting for control with your teen is a battle not worth fighting and pointless to win. Set the limit (i.e. 10:00 pm is your curfew), disengage (walk away), remain calm and follow through with consequences if necessary.

TIP: Think ahead about how your teen may respond. What is their typical response in arguments, for example over curfew? By preparing yourself for what your teen will say, you can plan for the most effective response.

Think about connecting the DOTS...

Disengage-avoid power struggles, set the limit and walk away

Options-when possible give your teen options; give them a chance to save face

Take Five-that goes for you and your teen; if discussion or negotiation gets too heated, agree to take five before continuing the discussion

Strategize-think ahead to the potential responses of your teen so you can plan your own strategy, or response (i.e. disengage, reflective listening, empathy, give choices).

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Parenting a Teenager - The Top 3 Mistakes a Parent Can Make

If you are currently parenting a teenager you know how frustrating and even scary it can be.

Let's face it, parenting a teenager can be confusing, too. Sometimes learning what NOT to do is easier than trying to figure out what new idea to add into your parenting style.

I have been parenting for over two decades and am currently parenting my third teenager. Based on my own experience, here are the top three worst things you can do while parenting a teenager. Just avoiding these can go a long ways towards building a successful relationship with your teenager and thereby improving the harmony of your home.

Mistake #1. Ignoring your teenager

Teenagers are intense social animals. The stage of development they're moving through is complex and confusing to them. Their days are often anything but calm and stable. As their parent, you can sense this just by being in the same room with them or listening to their conversations with their friends.

If you are uncertain as to how to guide them, in your genuine frustration you may have fallen into the trap of ignoring your teen. If you simply don't know what to say to your teen's rude facade or embarrassing questions or painful silences then you may have decided to hunker down and just try to get through these difficult years in one piece.

Mom or dad, if that description sounds familiar, please take heart. There are better and easier ways of parenting your teenager. In fact, if you are ignoring your teenager, you are choosing the most difficult path available to you, from a long-term perspective.

Let's get something straight. It's okay if you don't know what to say to your teen. What your teen needs most from you is to be *heard*. Instead of walking away when an uncomfortable conversation begins, take a deep breath, look into your teen's eyes and intensely listen. If you have been ignoring your teen for awhile, it will take some time for your teen to believe that you are really interested in them. Be persistent. You teenager will be unable to resist your offer to listen unconditionally.

Mistake #2. Avoiding problems

This is different from ignoring your teenager. As teens are maturing into young adults, they naturally explore more and more adult-type issues. Sometimes a teenager gets in over his or her head and desperately wants your help but doesn't know how to ask.

Sometimes a teen will taunt you, as their parent, with a forbidden behavior, challenging you to stand up and BE the parent.

As their parent, the best thing you can do is to face the problem head on, even if you have feelings of uncertainty yourself (and you probably will). If necessary, get professional help. Let your teenager see you are taking his or her problems seriously. Talk to them and then listen, listen, and listen.

If you find that there is a great deal of arguing going on in your household, then that needs to be the first problem you stop avoiding.

Show your teen how an adult behaves in such a situation.

* You can show your teen how to stay calm and in the moment.

* You can model quality listening.

* You can let them know that you are developing a plan of action.

* You can show them how to get help when help is needed.

Whether it's failing grades, suspected drug use, promiscuity, or speaking disrespectfully, avoiding the problem will only make it worse. That's not what you want. (If you would like more parenting teenager strategies, please see the resource box following this article.)

Mistake #3. Letting your teenager call all the shots.

If you are unsure of how to guide your teenager, you may have fallen into the habit of simply letting them do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Of course, this is a recipe for disaster.

There is a reason we adults are called to parent our children right up until the late teens.

Because they NEED parenting. Desperately.

Ideally, as a child grows he or she is slowly given more freedom and responsibility until, as a young adult, he or she is ready to take care of themselves completely.

However, since parenting is definitely an on-the-job training gig and hindsight is 20/20, many of us parents arrive at the teen years with a sense that we'd have done things differently had we known better.

That's okay. Start from where you are and move forward. Be honest with your teen and tell him you can see where changes need to be made that will benefit everyone involved.

Parenting a teenager means setting boundaries with your teenager that reflect your family's values. Enforce those boundaries consistently. Get help if you need it. Listen to and hug your teenager everyday. Don't ever give up.

In other words, be the parent. One day at a time.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 25 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at Visit her website and grab more parenting teenager strategies today.

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If You Want You Learn Smart Parenting, You Should Learn These Tips for Understanding Your Child

If you constantly find yourself in disagreement with your teenager because of the generation gap, parenting will be a frustrating experience. You must Learn Smart Parenting to have a harmonious relationship with your teenagers, and so you must learn to understand your teenagers.

The Following are 10 tips on dealing with your teenagers and understanding their way of thinking.

Your Role As A Parent And A Friend Must Be Clearly Defined.

You are father or mother to your child, and you should also be a friend to them. You need to make a distinction between being a parent and the same time a friend to your child. You cannot judge your child whenever they confide their problems to you, as friends often do. As parents, you cannot do this because of your care for the child.

Be Involved In Their Life, And Show It.

To be involved means you must find the time to be with them whenever you have any spare time, especially if you rarely have the time to be with your children because of your work commitments. They will find it easier to come to you when they are in trouble if you make a point of learning about their life, their thoughts and their feelings.

Teach Them To Be Accountable.

Provide them with an allowance but don't pay them if they are not doing their chores, as agreed, for their allowance. Prepare your child for adult life and teach them that if they want something, they must work in some way in order to achieve it. The important thing is not the money, it is being responsible and independent which matters. By doing this you will train them to survive in this world.

Be There When They Need You.

Always let them know that you are there for them and can and will provide support for them. This is your essential and should never be overlooked by any parent.

Tune In To Their World.

You should always be aware of their leisure time activities, know what type of music they like (and actually listen to it) and remember the names of their friends.

Listen To What They Are Saying.

Always listen to them so that you will get the message that they are trying to convey and try to understand what they want These messages often means they need your help.

Explain The Reasons For Your Decisions.

Your children will learn better decision making skills if you explain the reason that you made a certain decision. They may not always agree with your decision but they will see the reasons behind your thinking.

Sometimes You Should Be Ready To Bend The Rules.

You must have a set of rules but there are always exceptions to these rules and there are times when you should be flexible.

Share Your Interest And Find Out About Theirs.

You may never ever have common interests but by sharing interests you will learn together and will understand your children better.

Always Keep Talking Even If You Think Your Teen Is Not Listening.

Teenagers do listen to their parents. This is something you may not know because it seems they only want to argue with you. You may think they are not listening to what you are saying, but this is only for now. Never stop giving advise, the advise always sticks

Follow these tips on understanding your child and you will Learn Smart Parenting.

Check out [] to learn how to become a Smart Parent and prepare your children for their life the 21st century.

Helen Cadd

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Teenage Arguing - Why Do Teens Seem to Want to Argue All the Time?

Are you tired of feeling like you do nothing but argue with your teenager? Do you feel like you walk on eggshells or that you always have to be prepared for an argument no matter what you do? Well, you are not alone. Many parents of teenagers with whom I have worked have this same experience. What is interesting is that most teenagers don't like to argue with their parents, they are just so confused and emotional much of the time that arguing becomes the communication style they revert back to - especially with parents. This article will provide tips for parents who are dealing with teens who seem to want to argue about anything and everything.

It is helpful to remember the following things about teenagers:

1. Most teens have not mastered their communication skills so they may come across as rude, accusatory, as not making sense or as unreasonable. A lot of times the problem is that they simply cannot express what they are feeling appropriately. For example, "I hate you" may really mean "I don't like this rule", however, being on the receiving end of "I hate you" is much more difficult to manage as a parent than a teen telling you they just don't like a certain rule.

2. Often teenagers behave as though they are the center of the world and have a hard time seeing the view of others. This is not a product of poor upbringing or a sign that you missed something in your parenting along the way. It is instead a product of the developmental stage of adolescence which includes self-centeredness.

3. Teens like to show off in front of their friends. Often teens will put their parents on the spot or will push limits in front of their friends in an effort to show their friends that they have control over their parents.

4. As I have written about in other articles, teens want to be independent but are often times not really ready for this which scares them. Teens will often resent the need for ongoing parental oversight and limits which they respond to with anger or defiance.

5. Teens sometimes do what they do just to rebel and to make a point that they are independent from their parents.

Tips parents can follow to minimize arguing:

1. Allow everyone to have a fair opportunity to say what they would like to say. Don't just keep talking and repeating the same thing over and over without giving your teenager an opportunity to express their thoughts or how they feel.

2. Do your best not to interrupt when your teen is speaking their mind - this will increase the chances that they will listen while you speak.

3. Let your teenager know that you cannot speak to them when they are yelling and respond effectively when they stop yelling. Praise them during times when they are able to express themselves effectively.

4. Do your best to stick to the point and not bring up the past, other situations or bring others into the conversation unless it directly relates to them.

5. During arguments, never "put down" or make fun of your teenager.

6. Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.

7. Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.

8. Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.

9. Try to use "I" statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, "I get really worried about you when you don't come home for your curfew" instead of "You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew". In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the "I" statement which is less blaming.

10. If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).

11. Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you - this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.

12. Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.

13. Validate your teenager even if you don't agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.

14. Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.

15. Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.

Figuring out teenagers and how to respond to them effectively is a challenge each and every day. As the parent of a teenager it is important that you get support and have balance in your life so that you can respond to your teenager in a way which is effective and which does not increase your own stress and frustration.

© 2008 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [] or email

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

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Teenage Defiance

Does your teenager not follow though with your requests, not complete tasks or not follow though with general rules and standards of conduct that they used to adhere to? If so, your teenager is demonstrating some level of defiance. Defiance can mean noncompliance (not doing what is asked or following expectations) or resistance (blatantly challenging or opposing rules or expectations). In the moment resistance can feel much worse, however, over time both can be extremely frustrating and worrisome.

One of the questions I have been asked repeatedly by parents of teenagers is whether their teenager's behavior is "typical teenage behavior" or a real problem. This is a question that keeps parents up at night and causes them significant stress and worry (with good reason!). There is a distinction (although generally not completely clear) between typical teenage defiance and excessive defiance that may indicate a real problem.

Defiance can be verbal (yelling, whining, complaining, swearing, lying, arguing, insulting, crying, back talking, etc), physical (defying, throwing tantrums, running away, stealing, etc), aggressive (throwing things, destroying property, fighting, using weapons, cruelty towards others, breaking and entering, etc) or passive noncompliance (ignoring directions or requests, failing to complete chores or homework, ignoring basic day to day routines, etc). Your teenager's defiance may look like one or a mixture of these.

So, back to the question of whether your teen's defiance is normal or a real problem. The first thing you want to identify is whether your teenager's defiance is worse than most teenager's defiance. To assess this, answer the questions below with rarely, sometimes, often, very often:

During the last 6 months my teen has:
1. Lost his/her temper
2. Argued with adults
3. Actively refused to comply with rules or requests
4. Deliberately annoyed people
5. Blamed others for his/her mistakes or behaviors
6. Been touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Been angry and resentful
8. Been spiteful or vindictive

If you had 4 or more questions with an answer of often or very often, your teenager is demonstrating more defiant behavior than the typical teenager. If you answered often or very often for two or three questions, your teenager is demonstrating slightly more defiant behavior than other teens.

Another factor you should examine is whether your teenager's defiant behavior is creating any impairment in their lives. In the following situations, rate how often your teen's defiance is creating impairment by answering rarely, sometimes, often, very often:

1. In home life with the family
2. In social interactions with peers
3. In school
4. In community activities
5. In sports, clubs, or other activities
6. In learning to take care of themselves
7. In play, leisure, or recreational activities
8. In handling daily chores or other responsibilities

A final factor you should examine is related to how much emotional distress your teenager's defiance is causing others. Emotional distress occurs when there are strong negative emotions which can include anger, sadness, depression, frustration, etc. Below, rate how your teen's behavior impacts your family's emotional distress by answering none, very little, moderate, a lot, or very much.

1. Emotional distress I feel
2. Emotional distress that my spouse feels
3. Emotional distress my other children feel

If you rated emotional distress as moderate or higher for at least one person in your home, your teen is likely demonstrating defiance that is above that of a typical teenager.

If you determine that your teenager's defiance may be above the "typical teen" threshold you can take steps to help this situation. Some communication techniques can be very helpful in such situations (see other newsletters / articles related to communication with teens) since in order for there to be defiance there needs to be at least two parties involved in the conflict. Sometimes professional help is necessary to help both with assessment and the treatment of whatever may be going on for your teenager. If your teen's defiance includes criminal activity, you should most definitely seek professional help. Finally, coaching can be helpful for parents who are looking for specific techniques they can use to change the patterns of behavior in their home. It is helpful to remember that your teenager could very well feel as miserable as you do when you are on the receiving end of their defiance. Most people don't like feeling like they are constantly in conflict or in trouble so learning some subtle ways of changing the dynamic in the home can reap very positive benefits for both you and your teen.

Much of the information for this article was taken from the book Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship, by Russell Barkley, PhD and Arthur Robin, PhD.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [] or email

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home. I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City. In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

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Stepmoms And Teenagers Can Get Along If You Play Your Cards Right

Teenaged stepdaughters... a force to reckon with!

We were invited to our friends' house for Thanksgiving dinner. When we were getting ready to leave the house, my stepdaughter came out of her room wearing the WORST OUTFIT. It was edgy, ugly and provocative...everything I hated. I asked her to change her clothes into something more appropriate. She refused, saying, "I like this outfit, what's the matter with it?" Angry words back and forth followed. It ended with her refusal to change her clothes; her final shot at me was, "You can't control me!"

We ignored each other at the party, although I noticed that she was having fun with our friends and their kids. She was polite, talkative and quite charming. The next day my friend called to tell me how delightful my stepdaughter was. She couldn't understand how I struggled with her the way I did. I told her, "YOU don't have to raise her!"

My stepdaughter and I were struggling with three issues: 1) power and control, 2) loyalty issues between her mom, her dad and me, and 3) just normal adolescent behavior.

Power and control

I felt helpless and powerless over my stepdaughter. She was at the age where she didn't want to be controlled by anyone...least of all by me, her stepmother. The FORCE of her peer group was casting its spell, dictating to her how to look, what to think, how to behave and feel. When we'd argue, she'd insist, "I know what's right for me. It's MY life, and you can't tell me what to do!"


That said, paradoxically, teenagers are incredibly loyal to their biological parents as they grasp for their own identity and independence. When push comes to shove, it's Mom and Dad they run to for reassurance, sympathy, and scolding. They need their parents to push away from as well as to attach to. Teenagers are working overtime to figure out WHO AM I AND WHERE DO I FIT IN? That's what adolescence is all about.

I finally learned that I was not part of this biological, emotional bonding, and I got out of the way. I learned that I could be more beneficial to my stepdaughter if I was just an adult friend, a mentor, and a listening ear when she wanted to talk. That worked.

Adolescent developmental issues

When adults remarry during the time their kids are adolescents, they shouldn't expect a lot of bonding and attaching between generations because children this age just don't have it in them. They're breaking away from parental control. They're preparing to separate and establish their independence, after all. Once again, it's best for stepparents to befriend and mentor teenagers and leave the heavy-duty disciplining and parenting to the biological parents.

On a positive note, studies suggest that adolescents can often confide more in stepparents than they can with their biological parents during their vulnerable teen years. Kids can be more open and honest with stepparents if they can be heard with curiosity, neutrality...and wisdom.

How are you playing your cards with your teenaged stepchildren? Is it working... or do you need to step back and "draw again" for new feelings and behaviors?

Susan Wisdom, LPC

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Teenagers - 6 Survival Tips For Parents

I have got two of them. You may have only one or you may have 6. At the time of writing, mine are 14 and 16. All full of hormones and letting the whole world know about it. They've got an opinion on everything and they're always right.

Sound familiar? At this point may I say that you have my sympathies.

First a few pertinent questions: have you searched for this article because your teenagers are driving you crazy? Have you just lost your voice in the latest bout of yelling? Truth be told is all the energy you've got left going to your fingers while you type on your keyboard? Is the keyboard taking the brunt of it right now? Bashing those keys are we? YES? Then read on! This may help.

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH: In fact take as many breaths as you think you need. This will give you some distance from the scenario and will defuse the intensity of the situation. It benefits both you and your beloved teenager, and gives you a chance to consider if this is really how you wish to engage with each other. This may be the end of it and you might not need to read any more. Congratulations, and have a great day. However, if after doing this you still feel the need to re-engage then please continue reading.

2. SAY YOUR PIECE: The operative word here being "say". Please try not to yell. When you have perfected this method, please email me and share how you did it without yelling. I was raised in a household where yelling was the norm, and even though as an adult I now understand the negative impact on the children when we yell, I still do it on occasions. It's rare but it does still happen. Try to remember your words are the same whether you yell or speak them. Say what you have to say, get your point across calmly and the chances are you will be heard. If you yell and stomp (I'm not a stomper by the way) then the message gets lost and they just won't hear you. Take as long as you need to, write it down if you have to, but get it out there.

3. STICK TO THE FACTS and don't use accusatory blaming language. Say "When you did that, it made me feel_____", rather than "You're always acting up and you're so stupid and useless." Keep focused on the matter at hand, and avoid using this latest incident to personify your child. Consider pointing out the "...stupid thing you did.." rather than "'re so stupid.." Stay respectful and maintain your dignity at all times.

4. GIVE AND ASK FOR AN APOLOGY: It may or may not be appropriate for you to apologise, but this is for you to assess. If you think that your actions may have caused the argument in the first place then just apologise. Remember you're the adult, and you want to teach your teenager how an adult would behave. If they witness you engaging with them in a destructive way they will learn that this is how adults respond, and they will repeat the behaviour in their own adult life. If you think you deserve an apology then ask for one. It may not be forthcoming, but that is up to them. You only need to ask. Remember they are hormonal teenagers, and the last thing they want to do is accept they are wrong. Your job as the parent is to show them that sometimes you have to hold your hands up and take responsibility for your actions. Bear in mind that the apology may come many years down the line, when they are facing the same situation with their own teenagers.

5. TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM: Why? Because you do. The bond between parent and child is not broken because of a temporary hormonal imbalance your child is enduring. Sometimes they need the reassurance of hearing that you love them. Be the adult and just say it.

6. WALK AWAY: This is such an important stage in an argument with your teenager. Leave the room and let what you have said sink in. It may or may not have an immediate impact but it will get through at some level, and walking away is a very powerful way of exercising self-control.

At this point I was considering how I feel when things have become difficult at home with my own teens, and I'd like to suggest a bonus survival tactic. This does actually take the count to 7 not 6 as stated in the title, but as far as teenagers go, every tip helps! So here's number 7, and this one's a biggie:

7. LET IT GO: Remember you want them to go out in to the big wide world fully kitted out with the toolbox of social skills. You're the parent. They won't learn these lessons at school so take responsibility for teaching them. Also you have the benefit of experience. Your intensely hormonal teenager may think they know it all, but you really do know it all. This won't be the first time you have a disagreement, and the chances are it will happen again. Why exhaust yourself every time? Life really is too short, so give yourself a break and let it go. Rest assured they will remember and one day they will thank you for your calm, collected approach.

I really hope that my 7 survival tips have helped you, or at least given you some food for thought. However, if your stress levels are affecting you and your family, then take a look at this unique program which may help you. If your home situation is becoming violent or unmanageable then please contact your health care provider who will provide practical help and support.

I am Mumtaz Hussain and I believe passionately that every man, woman and child always deserves to feel fantastic about themselves. I'm a single mum of two and I've successfully created a fabulous life for myself and my children. Find out more about me at

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