Argue With Your Teenager

Have you ever said the words, "It seems like my teenager does not care about anything these days"? Well if so, as the parent of a teenager, you are not alone. I often work with parents who are concerned about their teen's lack of interest in their future or who are concerned that their teenager does not care about things that should be important to them because they are only focused on their friends or on the immediate moment.

Some teenage behaviors that may cause parents to have this concern may include:

1. Grades dropping

2. Disrespect towards teachers or other authority figures

3. Disrespect towards parents

4. Disregard for rules

5. Skipping school

6. Lack of interest in family events they used to enjoy

7. Different ideas about future (i.e. not wanting to go to college)

8. Not being willing or able to save any money if working

9. Calling out sick for work or skipping work to do social things with friends

10. Reckless or risk-taking behaviors

What parents often question is why their teenager is willing to risk potentially ruining their future for " in the moment" excitement or gratification. Parents can become extremely frustrated and discouraged if they are experiencing this which can result in chronic tension and arguing in the home.

If you are a parent in this situation, these are some things to keep in mind:

1. Normal Development. It is a normal part of adolescent development for teenagers to feel like the world revolves around them. It is also normal for teenagers to be focused on living "in the moment" without regard for how it may impact their future. If you see this happening on a small scale, it is likely very normal behavior by your teenager. If it is happening all the time and is really putting your teenager's safety or the safety of others at risk, it is a potentially a more serious problem. In addition, if you feel like it could potentially have serious, negative consequences for your teenager's future (i.e they stop going to school or completing homework), you should intervene and seek outside help if needed.

2. Independent ideas. As teens grow, they will start to have more ideas that may be different from yours. This is normal and should be permitted, encouraged and praised. Teens should be thinking more independently since this is a skill we all need as adults. If you are noticing your teen doing this, it is important to take a step back and think about your teen's individual ideas before responding or harshly reacting to them. What do they want for themselves? What are they working towards? What motivates them? How are their ideas similar and different from yours? Are their ideas bad or destructive or just different? This process is important because much of the time different does not equal bad, it just requires some getting used to. However, if you feel that their "different ideas" result in self destruction, pain for them or others or will significantly, negatively impact their future, you may be looking at a more serious issue and want to intervene and seek help quickly.

3. Possible negative impact. As your teenager starts to act and think more on their own, it is helpful if you, as the parent, can try to remain objective. This means trying to look at what they are doing and saying and see both the positives and negative of this. Your dream for your teenager may not be their dream for themselves. What you want for them may not be what makes them happy or what makes them feel good about themselves. Of course, if you feel there are legitimate, negative consequences to their behaviors, then you should absolutely intervene as needed.

Parents who are in this situation may experience a lot of worry and the suggestions above are easier to understand and agree with when they are not in reference to your own child. However, your being able to take a step back and remain objective can be important in your teenager's overall growth. If you are struggling with this process or are unclear about what is potentially harmful versus something that will just take some getting used to, you should get the support of a friend, other parents of teenagers or a coach to help you manage this complicated situation.

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com], http://parentingteensadvice.blogspot.com or email Karen@elite-life-coaching.com.

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, over the phone and in the home.

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

It has been one of those weird weeks in my house, one of those weeks when a particular theme just keeps on coming up, challenging your parenting skills and pickling your brain in the process. In my case, it was the dreaded curse of Talking With Your Kids About Tricky Subjects. Busy Husband and I should qualify for some kind of UN grant or at least a doctorate in Delicate Diplomacy after running this emotional gauntlet that saw us chatting pseudo-casually about serious illness and death, puberty and gun crime - and that was only Monday morning. By Friday, we had added sex, insecure friends and what happens in a courtroom to the list. And it wasn't only the Tweenager with a questioning streak: it must have been catching as Goldilocks was also keen to know the answers to some troublesome topics. They ranged from the deeply philosophical 'Are cows ticklish?' to the more heartbreakingly serious 'Will my friends come to live in England, too?' Busy Husband and I blamed this new-found, slightly maniacal curiosity on our impending move and silently pleaded for it to stop. Our forced smiles through gritted teeth were beginning to make our cheeks ache and we were constantly persecuted by the worry that our explanations to some of the world's trickiest questions had actually managed to scare and scar our kids for life in the space of a week. What was next? Gay bishops? Or the biggie: Is Santa Real?

Well, Question Time At The Newhouses seems to have finished for this series but it really forced me to think on my feet and I saw with blinding clarity that so much of parenting is about forward planning, not to mention damage limitation. Not only would it have been handy to have actually realised that my kids were 'at that age' when they actually want to know more about the world than simply how to find Cyprus on a map, it would also have helped if I knew my own position on so many of the questions asked of me this past week. Nothing focuses your attention like an eight-year-old with no inhibitions wanting to know why a man killed 32 other young people with a gun, or what happens when you get your period. Erring on the side of calm, cautious pragmatism is obvious but when the shock of seeing your baby grow up in front of your eyes combines with sticky questions at inopportune moments (the birds and the bees in the supermarket, anyone?), it's a brave woman who can look her daughter in the eye and answer with anything but a muttered 'Not here.'

I remember my parents' divorce, when I was seven. I particularly remember that no one ever talked to me about it very much and my (few) questions were brushed aside and avoided, in pain as much as anything else. Now, as a happily married parent, the idea of explaining divorce sends chills down my spine and makes chatting about my granny's recent stroke seem like a doddle in comparison. My childhood experiences have also cemented one thing in my mind: be honest, even if it makes you squirm. However, when the Tweenager's eyes glazed over as I waxed lyrical about the importance of team spirit, I also understood that there is such a thing as too much honesty and too much information. So much of doing the tricky stuff with kids is about knowing, quite frankly, when to shut up. My daughter didn't want a tutorial in coeducational group dynamics, she just wanted to chat about being friends with more than one person at a time.

So, how much should you share with your inquisitive child? Even more scary, how much does your child actually know about the world around them? And how much do they know, that you don't know they know (erm, you get my point)? In our house, the news is often on, we leave the newspaper lying around and we chat openly about what's going on in the world and in our lives, good and bad. But, after this week, I began to wonder whether I have in fact been irresponsible in exposing my children to so much information. Don't get me wrong, we don't have post-dinner discussion groups over coffee and mints ('Brad and Angelina and the concepts of cross-cultural adoptive processes - discuss'), but I also don't pretend that 'bad' or uncomfortable stuff doesn't happen. Kids are exposed to disturbing and overwhelming events at an ever-younger age and I would argue that a parent surely wants their child to be as prepared as possible? But that's the problem isn't it, fellow parents: by hiding the cruel truth about the world from our children, we are only delaying our own pain, aren't we? Our kids want the world to be a safe and predictable place and the fact that we have to take away a tiny bit of their innocence by explaining that the opposite is in fact true far, far outweighs any discomfort we might have about explaining what a condom is for...

How to Talk the Talk

Start Early

Kids are exposed to graphic information early. They might not be mature but they are aware.

Do It Yourself

Your kids won't always come to you. Use everyday events to initiate conversations.

..Even about Sex

Yup, it's awkward but you've still got to do it!

Create a Safe Environment

Make sure your kids feel safe to express themselves.

What Are Your Values?

You don't need to preach, just add your moral position to the all-important facts.

Listen to Your Child

Only this way will you gauge their level of understanding.

Try to be Honest

Honesty builds trust and will help negate their own fanciful, potentially frightening explanations.

Be Patient

Give them the opportunity to ask and ask and ask.

Talk About it Again. And Again.

Don't be afraid to revisit a topic. It's a good way of assessing how much they took in first time round.

Nikki is a freelance writer whose work is regularly commissioned by and published in a variety of international magazines and newspapers. As a mother of three young daughters, her writing often focuses on parenting and lifestyle issues but, secretly, Nikki also has a 'proper' job, as an expert writer on overseas real estate investment. She acts as a consultant to agents and developers, identifying and marketing key emerging markets. She is currently collaborating with Property Club International. See more at [http://propertyclubinternational.net]