Argue With Your Teenager

Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won't get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated-they're just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won't get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

When we're talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it's important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.

When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what's going on around him.

The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It's important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people's kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people's behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don't want to do their homework is because they're simply lazy about the work or they don't want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he's not motivated, you have to look at what he's accomplishing and assume that this is what he's motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He's simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

You'll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn't answer, but you know he heard you. What's that all about? That's a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, "I don't have to answer you if I don't want to," you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child's tasks for him because you don't see another way. It doesn't work, but it's all you can do, it seems.

Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that's inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don't have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.

If you're fighting day after day with a kid who won't get out of bed, you're never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won't brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won't comb his hair. Or he won't wear clean clothes or he won't do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They're simply trying to solve problems, but the way they're solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won't work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.

Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or "overdoing" for the child?

I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you're giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won't solve the problem. If you're yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you're giving him more power in the struggle, and you don't want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use "I" words. "I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school." "I want you to do your homework now." Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn't do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, "I don't care about the consequences," ignore it. Telling you he doesn't care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.

I would give consequences, and I don't care if the kid doesn't like it. If you don't get out of bed, you shouldn't be doing anything else. You shouldn't get to play video games. You shouldn't spend four hours in front of the TV. If you're too sick to go to school, you shouldn't be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, "Okay, you're not going to do your homework, and you're going to get the grades that reflect that." But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don't let the kid watch TV. You say, "Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don't want do your homework in that time, that's fine. But you can't go on the computer, you can't play games and you can't watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that'll be your choice. And if you fail, that'll be your choice."

Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A's and B's. We didn't take anything away for C; we just didn't reward it. So my son strived to have A's all the time. So with kids who resist, it's important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That's why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn't follow you home to make sure you don't speed anymore. He lets you go. It's your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don't, you're going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.

So when you're interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you're looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He's just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He's motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don't argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there's accountability.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.

The teen years can be a scary time for kids. They no longer have the comfort and safety of elementary school and are now in many different classrooms with all kinds of unknown kids. They don't get much support from their teachers but are expected to perform well anyway. On their own in a big, intimidating world, they often feel lonely and isolated.

The problem is teenagers won't be coming to Mom and Dad saying, "I need you." Their cry for help is often masked as belligerent, aggressive or even passive behavior. They may throw tantrums, refuse to do their homework, complain about school, become apathetic or go "Goth." They desperately want to fit in so they follow the crowd, which may not be the best course for them.

Hoping to put their teen on the right track parents often "lay down the law." They "encourage" their child to study in ways that seem like nagging, punishment and criticism. Instead of creating a love of learning, these methods can backfire turning kids off from school; leaving them with feelings of frustration, depression and hopelessness that they don't tell you about.

Motivating teenagers to go in the right direction can be difficult. However, with effort and skill, you can help them "see the light". The key is to do it in a supportive, loving way.

Here are seven ways to get teens on track:

Shift the Criticism Ratio - In your desire to have your child be the best he can be, you may be focusing more on what needs improvement instead of what's working which can be demoralizing. With kids, you need to take the time to give at least three positive comments for every "suggestion for improvement." These should be specific, sincere and authentic expressions of recognition, and given frequently.

Create a Secure Bond - If you want your children to trust you, listen to you and follow your advice, they have to feel safe with you. It is essential that they know, deep in their heart, you want what's best for them, even when they don't like what you are doing or saying.

Teach a Growth Mindset. - When kids know their brain actually grows and they become smarter by working and struggling through problems, instead of dreading challenges they often embrace them because they are confident they will learn something valuable.

Set a Routine Together - A routine that is followed consistently, every day can get your child into a "groove" of getting their studies done. Work with your child to set up a specific time and place to study every day. It is okay to make minor adjustments when getting started, but once it's set (within a couple of days), stick to it. There may be some moaning and groaning at first, but, in time, it will become as Habitual as brushing teeth and that will make a world of difference.

Have Chores that Contribute to the Family - Instead of dictating what she will do, have your child help decide which chores she would like to do on a daily basis to contribute to the family. These should be things like taking out the trash, washing dishes, setting or clearing the table - maybe making dinner once a week. If she helps choose, she will be more likely to select jobs that are a good fit for her - and she will be more likely to stick with them! World famous scientist George Vaillant found chores to be an astonishing predictor of adult success. After years and years of research, he discovered that doing chores as a child is one of the only early predictors of positive mental health later in life. Educators confirm this by saying, "Kids who are used to doing chores at home - without reminders - without pay, and without arguing are far more respectful and motivated at school."

Teach Problem Solving - Kids who know five ways to solve a problem have better, closer friendships and less conflict in their lives which makes school more enjoyable. When children learn there are specific steps to solving problems, and there are many possible solutions, it can be exhilarating for them because they know they have a choice and real power to determine what happens to them. Also, share some of your struggles with your child, so they know it's a normal part of life.

Make Learning Practical - Take an interest in what your child is learning. Read your child's schoolwork and give Can-Do Recognition. Don't do their work for them - that sends the message they are incompetent - but have them share what they learned in school and listen. This process can be challenging but if you keep at it; pretty soon, your kids will be excited to share what's going on at school and with their friends. Take an interest in what your children are learning and relate it to the real world. Go over your grocery bill and relate it to how many hours of work it took to pay for it, or what it took to buy that new skateboard, bike or car.

The key to success is making each one of these principles a daily habit. It won't happen overnight, but with effort you are both sure to be thrilled with the results.

Also, did you know there is an amazing difference in the impact of how your praise your child? One type of praise can cause your child to give up in defeat when he runs into an obstacle. Another kind of praise can motivate your kids to positive action! Changing a few words can make a night and day difference in your child's life.

If you like to get started learning how to give praise that motivates your kids to succeed please download your FREE EBook at: http://www.vitalskillsforkids.com/amazingpraise.html

If you are trying to motivate your teenagers to change, your efforts beg the question "Why do teenagers change, anyway?" The answers to this question are critical and will help you avoid frustration while they take you in a more promising direction.

Based on motivation research, there seem to be three conditions necessary for teenagers to change their behavior:

1. Teenagers change in response to something of intrinsic value. This is why externally-applied consequences--punishments and rewards--tend not to be effective. Teenagers must connect the considered change to something of intrinsic significance in order to feel motivated to take a chance on changing. You will have little luck in motivating them without a sense of what is intrinsically important to them.

2. The teenager must be ready and willing to change. This sounds too obvious to need to be stated, but it drives home an important point: change will not be forced. If you attempt to compel a change with a teenager, you are likely to get the opposite of what you intend. And if that is not bad enough, that frustration will be accompanied by lots of discord, arguing, hostility, and general overall unpleasantness. So you have an unmotivated teenager--no positive change--with whom you now have a lousy relationship.

3. The teenager is in an environment that is characterized by safety, acceptance, and empowerment. Since the prime factor in this environment is your relationship, that relationship must be safe, accepting, and empowering in order to be motivating. While you may be displeased with their performance, you must dial back your criticism (this is the acceptance piece) and have your conversations focus more on their feelings, goals, and desires than yours. They must know that they can express themselves to you in a civil fashion and have their thoughts, perspectives, and feelings be acknowledged (this is the safety part). It is in this kind of relationship that they can feel empowered.

A mantra I teach the parents of my teenage clients is this: Acceptance facilitates change. It does not guarantee change nor direct it. But it is acceptance that gives us the freedom to take the risks to strive in a different direction. As true as this is for all of us, it is that much more true for teenagers.

So, if you want to have a truly motivating relationship with your teenagers, don't try to force the change that you want. Find out what changes they desire. Discover what is intrinsically important to them. Create the safety that promotes motivation by listening to them without criticism or judgment.

Dennis Bumgarner, ACSW, LCSW is a family counselor who has been consulting with parents for more than 35 years. He is the creator of the parent training video "Get the Behavior You Want from Your Child" as well as the DVD "Kindness, Courtesy, and Respect" for children. Additionally, he is the author of "Motivating Your Intelligent but Unmotivated Teenager." He is in demand as a trainer for parents, schools, and social service agencies and had provided hundreds of training presentations around the country.