Argue With Your Teenager

As the second semester was recently starting (I teach 9th and 10th grade English in a public high school in southern California), a few of my students were moving around in terms of classes, but most of them were staying put in one of my sections. I spent a few days doing some team strengthening exercises and reviewing rules and expectations.

One of the areas that I spent time talking with my classes about was the idea that I'm not there to debate with students. We all know that teens and adolescents naturally start to rebel, That part of that rebellion is they start to have "an attitude" and talk back. I've found that there are two main ways to deal with this:

1. Pick and choose your battles. If it's not important, a stock answer like, "Because I asked you to and I need you to do what I ask", is an option. If your teen tries to keep the "debate" going, change the subject, or smile and don't answer.

2. Most things that teens debate have some kind of simple answer. Don't underestimate the simple. Sometimes simple things have the most meaning.

For example, I start off the school year by asking where the students want to go and what they want to do after high school. I start this by asking if anyone is planning on dropping out of high school. No hands usually go up. I usually lead the discussion into something like, "So can we agree that everyone has the same goal: to graduate high school?"

The kids usually agree. I quickly explain the role of English in the larger picture of graduation. Then I'm done. That's it. I make sure to end the segment by saying, "Remember your group's goal." For the rest of the year, when there is a behavior issue or a debate about why an assignment is given, I always go back to "Remember your group's goal."

It's doesn't solve everything, but the kids remember that they got to "Remember your group's goal" by agreeing that they had the shared goal of graduating. What does this mean for you as the parent of a difficult teenager? Develop your own logical reminder like, "Remember your group's goal."

For example, the first time your teen challenges you on having to take out the trash, lead them down a simple chain of logic:

"We all work pretty hard in this house, me and your mom with work, and you with school and sports, would you agree?"

(Get some agreement)

"I like our house, and when people come over, I like it to look nice. It's your house too and don't you think when it's clean, it's pretty nice?"

(Get SOME sort of agreement)

"We all have things we are responsible for, and we're all tired a lot of the time. The only way we can all do all the things we do is if we work together. It would be a nightmare if I asked you to do all of the housework, don't you think?"

(Again, get some agreement)

"So, our family's goal is that we work as a team so that all of the jobs get done and we have a nice life. How does that goal sound to you?"

(Let your teen respond. Regardless of what they say, keep the chain going.)

"So when you're tired and you don't want to take out the trash or you don't think you should have to, try to remember our family's goal, okay? Could you please take the trash out now?"

That's it. You put, "Remember our family's goal", in place. When the debate starts, don't engage. Use the line. You already did the work and led them down the simple logic chain. Now just remind your teenager on a regular basis.

They will get sick of hearing it. They might even mock you for it. It won't work for EVERYTHING (nothing does), but it's something you can experiment with. Try to avoid sounding like a therapist, so don't take EXACTLY what I have above. Change it to fit you and your teen.

Bryan Stoops is a public high school teacher in southern California. He has been teaching public intermediate/high school for the past six years. Bryan has a master's degree in education from the California State University System, and is almost done with two years of course work on his doctor of education degree at the University of La Verne, one of California's oldest private colleges. Bryan is also a busy husband and father of a toddler. Visit Bryan's site at [http://www.tameurteen.com] for more free articles and to get Bryan's free report on parenting troubled teens.

Are you tired of feeling like you do nothing but argue with your teenager? Do you feel like you walk on eggshells or that you always have to be prepared for an argument no matter what you do? Well, you are not alone. Many parents of teenagers with whom I have worked have this same experience. What is interesting is that most teenagers don't like to argue with their parents, they are just so confused and emotional much of the time that arguing becomes the communication style they revert back to - especially with parents. This article will provide tips for parents who are dealing with teens who seem to want to argue about anything and everything.

It is helpful to remember the following things about teenagers:

1. Most teens have not mastered their communication skills so they may come across as rude, accusatory, as not making sense or as unreasonable. A lot of times the problem is that they simply cannot express what they are feeling appropriately. For example, "I hate you" may really mean "I don't like this rule", however, being on the receiving end of "I hate you" is much more difficult to manage as a parent than a teen telling you they just don't like a certain rule.

2. Often teenagers behave as though they are the center of the world and have a hard time seeing the view of others. This is not a product of poor upbringing or a sign that you missed something in your parenting along the way. It is instead a product of the developmental stage of adolescence which includes self-centeredness.

3. Teens like to show off in front of their friends. Often teens will put their parents on the spot or will push limits in front of their friends in an effort to show their friends that they have control over their parents.

4. As I have written about in other articles, teens want to be independent but are often times not really ready for this which scares them. Teens will often resent the need for ongoing parental oversight and limits which they respond to with anger or defiance.

5. Teens sometimes do what they do just to rebel and to make a point that they are independent from their parents.

Tips parents can follow to minimize arguing:

1. Allow everyone to have a fair opportunity to say what they would like to say. Don't just keep talking and repeating the same thing over and over without giving your teenager an opportunity to express their thoughts or how they feel.

2. Do your best not to interrupt when your teen is speaking their mind - this will increase the chances that they will listen while you speak.

3. Let your teenager know that you cannot speak to them when they are yelling and respond effectively when they stop yelling. Praise them during times when they are able to express themselves effectively.

4. Do your best to stick to the point and not bring up the past, other situations or bring others into the conversation unless it directly relates to them.

5. During arguments, never "put down" or make fun of your teenager.

6. Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.

7. Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.

8. Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.

9. Try to use "I" statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, "I get really worried about you when you don't come home for your curfew" instead of "You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew". In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the "I" statement which is less blaming.

10. If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).

11. Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you - this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.

12. Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.

13. Validate your teenager even if you don't agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.

14. Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.

15. Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.

Figuring out teenagers and how to respond to them effectively is a challenge each and every day. As the parent of a teenager it is important that you get support and have balance in your life so that you can respond to your teenager in a way which is effective and which does not increase your own stress and frustration.

© 2008 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com] or email Karen@elite-life-coahing.com.

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775