Argue With Your Teenager

"My teenagers are driving me crazy! I love them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but I just don't like being around them right now. I can't get them to stop fighting with each other...arguing with me...disobeying...being disrespectful. I'm going to lose it if something doesn't break soon."
Sound familiar?
If you're at this stage in your parenting, you probably feel absolutely hopeless. Your teenagers are running the show, and it's going to take commitment and resolve to get the power back-but it's vital, for their sake and yours!
Fact is, you're the parent.
You love your kids - it's part of the reason this is so exasperating and exhausting. You want things to be different, and you believe they could be. You know your kids would be much happier if they got on board with your expectations, but you just can't seem to find the way.
There are ways to achieve that, but first you need to realize that your teenagers are in crisis right now. They've been floundering without a lot of structure, and, probably with a lot of yelling and/or anger. So, before you can make behavioral expectations of them, you need to set behavioral guidelines for yourself. There are five rules for you to implement before you take the steps to reach your teens. Before you argue that it's impossible for you to behave well in the face of the way they treat you and each other-but if you can't do it, how can you expect them to?
Here are the difficult but basic rules you need to follow consistently:
Teenagers Promo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• No yelling at them-they probably don't hear what you say when you yell anyway.
  
• No arguing with them - you're the parent, you don't have to defend yourself or convince them.
  
• Smile and say kind things more than you say negative things. Teens are a product of what they perceive your expectations of them are. If they believe you expect them to act like monsters, they will. Empower them to behave well.
  
• Apologize when you mess up.
  
• Tell them you love them every single day.

Once you've made progress toward implementing those rules, you're ready to tackle the problems with the Six Steps toward reclaiming the power in your home.
1. Strip them of everything. This isn't the time to start with lectures like, "The next time this happens, there will be a consequence." I'm guessing you've been down that road. Now it's time to send each them back to their birthday, and let them work their way to the life of comfort and leisure they want, but don't deserve. Again, this is not cold-hearted. This is vital for the health and happiness of the whole family and so that these teenagers will grown into well-rounded, self-sufficient, respectful adults. That includes things like:

designer clothes
makeup
music
iPods
cell phone
television
sports
activities
etc...everything non-essential to life

2. Put it in writing. Make a list of the non-negotiable behaviors you demand from them. Short of meeting those requirements, they will receive only what's required by law: food, shelter, education. Anything else must be earned back. Slowly. If it's not in writing, it's open to interpretation. Then later, when they push back and want to argue about your expectations, don't reiterate them, tell them to do their own research, and read your list.
3. Require outreach. Get them involved in helping someone or volunteering somewhere that has nothing to do with benefiting them in any way. Let them see how rough some people have it. Once a week, or once a month will go a long way.
4. Get help! It's very important that, during this time, you seek the help of a spiritual leader like a pastor or youth leader who can help drive the point home. These efforts must be intentionally supported outside your home in order for them to have the greatest impact. A school counselor is good...but you really need and want the spiritual connection, too.
5. Don't rush the process. They shouldn't feel that treating people with kindness and respect deserves an iPod. What we're talking about here are the basic behaviors all human beings should extend toward each other. So let the process go on for a while so it really makes an impact. At a certain point, you'll know when it's been long enough-when the changes have taken root in the heart and aren't just on the surface.
6. Pray. Are you praying for your kids every single day? Are you talking to them about what's bothering them or making life challenging for them? Be sure to let them know how much you love them and let them see and hear you pray for them.







Blessings,
Nicole O'Dell, Choose NOW Ministries
...battling peer pressure by tackling the tough issues
Nicole O'Dell, founder of Choose NOW Ministries is a youth culture expert, who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life's tough choices. She is the author of a bunch of YA books, including the popular Scenarios for Girls interactive fiction series and the upcoming Diamond Estates Series, 2011-2012. Non-fiction for teens includes Girl Talk, 2/1/12, which she wrote with her two daughters based on their popular blog column by the same name, and O'Dell's desire to bridge the gap between parents and teens is evident in her adult non-fiction like the upcoming Hot Buttons series.
The host of Teen Talk Radio where "It's all about choices!", Nicole dives in on topics like peer pressure, dating, purity, drugs, alcohol, modesty, popularity, decisions about the future, and many other things that might come up along the way. Over the years, Nicole has worked as a youth director, a Bible study leader for women and teens, and a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. She lives in Illinois with her husband, Wil and her six wonderful kids--including a set of toddler triplets.

Do you ever feel as if your relationship with your child has become one long, drawn-out (and exhausting) power struggle? If you're in this situation, it probably seems like you simply progress from  nagging your child over dirty laundry on the floor in the morning to arguing over bedtime at night. As they get older, power struggles get more entrenched as your child pushes against the rules: they start asking for things like the keys to the car and permission to go to all-night parties, "because all their friends' parents said 'yes.'"

Power is one of the strategies people use to get their needs and wants met. As children grow, you will see them trying to gain power in order to get more autonomy and control over their lives. When your child was an infant, you had almost all the power. He communicated that he was hungry or uncomfortable by crying; that was the only power he had. As your child grew older, he took on more responsibility-and with more responsibility came more power. He learned to pick up after himself, and he also learned that refusing to do chores gave him some power. He learned to do his homework-and refusing to do it also gave him power. Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative power: it's simply power with positive or negative ends.

There are many things in life that are empowering. Certainly information, knowledge and communication skills are empowering in a constructive way. And also sadly, violence, abuse, and threats can be empowering in a destructive way. If kids learn the latter lesson at any point in their development, they can become entrenched in a way of behaving where they use acting out, threats and verbal abuse to get what they want. I personally believe this is a dangerous path for kids to start heading down, and encourage parents to take this behavior very seriously when it first develops.

You vs. Your Child: Perception is Everything

Know that when kids engage in power struggles with you, although it may feel like they're trying to control you, generally they don't think of it this way. They just feel like whatever is going on isn't fair-or that it's not their fault. In fact, they probably aren't even aware they're testing your power. They see it as, "I don't want to clean my room now. I just want to watch T.V." Or "You're old fashioned, you just don't understand."

And that's their actual perception-most of the time they're really seeing it that way. Most children and teens don't perceive life the same way their adult parents do. As adults, we often mistakenly think kids see the same picture we do, so we might wonder "What's the problem?" when they start arguing with us. But most kids don't have the adult ability to perceive the totality of what's going on. And not only are they developmentally immature, but there are certain obstacles that can block them from developing that awareness in an age-appropriate manner. There may be diagnosed (or undiagnosed) learning disabilities, which cause distortions in their thinking. The end result is that they become willing to fight everyone and everything in order to get their way.

Teenagers especially see the world very differently than parents. While parents are concerned about safety and want their kids to avoid doing high risk things, teens may feel as if they're being held back from doing things that appear reasonable and legitimate to them. This becomes even more complex when kids discover that some of their peers are allowed to do the things they are not.

So teens can develop a way of looking at some of their parents' decisions as unfair. That perception fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant power struggles with you. For example, you decide you don't want your teen to go to a party if there's no adult supervision. Your teenager just wants to go to the same party her friends are attending-she doesn't have any thoughts at all about adult supervision or risk. When you bring it up, she thinks you're old fashioned or out of touch-and the conflict starts there.

For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying (in fact, you'll probably feel you're saying the same things over and over) but kids need to find ways to challenge adult authority appropriately. And by appropriately I mean not cursing, verbally abusing or personally attacking you. By the way, if the challenge is appropriate, parents need to learn how to respond with an open mind.

Not What You Might Think: The Goal is not to Take Power Struggles Away

It surprises many parents when I say that we don't want to take all power struggles away. Rather, we want to take the defiance out of the power struggle. This is because as kids go through their developmental stages, they need to challenge their parents appropriately in order to get more autonomy. And parents, in turn, need to teach their kids that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability. Children are looking to be more independent and make more decisions, but they should not be allowed to argue in an abusive, hurtful or obnoxious way. Here's the bottom line: kids have to learn how to have power struggles with their parents in a way that is not a personal attack.

Look at it this way: when a police officer pulls you over, if you don't agree that you've made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a power struggle with him. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won't get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explain your position. Whether or not he still gives you a ticket, you've been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn't get you into more trouble, and might in fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want kids to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy-without getting them into more trouble.

So know that it's normal for kids, and especially teens, to get into power struggles. That testing, pushing and challenging of your authority, no matter how difficult to deal with at times, is your child's job. As he matures, his goal is to separate and individuate from you-to form his own opinions and feelings about things. Part of that process includes the desire for more power and control over his life; your goal is to make sure he tests those boundaries without being abusive or threatening.

Often, parents don't want to expand a child's circle of control over his own life as fast as the child would like. At the same time, kids want more control. So parents are constantly pushing against that wall to hold it steady, while the child is pushing back from the other side. Certainly, by the time kids are 13, 14, 15 or 16, they're questioning the rules you've set for them. They're pounding on that wall with a sledgehammer, asking, "Why can't I go to the concert? Why can't I wear make-up? Why can't I borrow the car tonight?" Their confrontation of your limits becomes stronger and stronger as they get older. So defiant power struggles can increase in frequency and intensity unless parents know how to manage them.

Why It's a Mistake to Give in to Defiant Power Struggles

Almost all kids become increasingly resistant to parental authority as they grow older. For many kids, that resistance is acted out in socially acceptable ways. But some kids really get entrenched in power struggles. They become defiant, not just resistant. Their most common answer is "No, I'm not going to do it." When you tell them there will be consequences, they'll tell you they don't care.

For those kids who learn that defiance helps them get their way, you'll see their urge to become defiant grow stronger and stronger. A typical trap many parents fall into is developing a pattern of giving in as the child wears them down. After that, any time the parents resist, the kid thinks, "Well, if I push a little more, then they'll give in." And so the child can escalate forever. In effect, the child is confronting the boundaries you've created, and will keep confronting them until they no longer exist...

The truth is, you really can't win with somebody who's got nothing to lose-you'll just end up losing more and more of your own power. For parents in the situation where things have gotten to a point where the child is abusive and aggressive, I recommend that they seek some professional help. Because that pattern can be stopped and it can be changed. You don't have to be stuck in that forever, you just need to learn how to deal with it. In my opinion, what these kids really need to learn is that defiance doesn't solve their problem; defiance doesn't get them what they want in the first place. And if parents don't teach them this lesson when they're young, these kids will certainly find out later when they're dealing with the school system, their employer, the police or their spouse.

Let me be clear: both the child who is mildly resistant to authority and the defiant, acting out child need to be empowered with problem solving skills to learn how to communicate effectively in the many situations life presents. I think that this particular training for adult life should start very early. Believe me, you can't walk into your boss's office and say, "This stinks, I'm not going to do it, you're a jerk," and expect to have your needs met. Kids need to learn how to negotiate and advocate for themselves in order to gain power, and they need to do it in an appropriate way-a way which doesn't get them into trouble and doesn't make the problem worse.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.

The Magic Pill. Isn't that what we want as parents and employers. We are seeking the solution to the challenges we have with raising our children and supervising our employees. I have just the answer. It is quit simple but grossly overlooked and even more difficult to perfect the art. It is the Power of Asking the Question.

As parents we are quick to give advice, reprimand, scold or make suggestions. As employers we are quick to bark commands, give ultimatums, demand quotas or impose warnings. None of these work... otherwise we wouldn't be frustrated, right? The Power of Asking the Question is truly the answer. I have seen miracles in my coaching by changing the paradigm from solving disagreements with confrontation and rebuttal. It goes on and on and two things happen. First, the problem or conflict escalates and takes the process to a more damaging conclusion. And second, the real issue is never discussed because neither party knows what it is.

I have witnessed a harmless conversation escalate where accusations are thrown in one direction and denial and cross-accusations are thrown back. Does any one really like being attacked or accused of something? Then why do parents and employers give themselves permission to confront our youth. No wonder they don't tell the truth. No wonder they don't come talk to us when they have a problem or recognize an error that they made. According to the Josephson Institute in California, 92% of our young adults have confessed that they have lied to their parents in the last year. Furthermore, a study reported that when 1,000 teens were asked, "who would you like to go to with a problem?", almost all of them reported "my parents". But when asked, "who do you go to?" almost all of them reported, "anybody BUT my parents". What does that tell us? It screams of their desire to be honest, to approach us with a problem but they don't feel safe. As a parent, ask yourself how many times has your teen confessed to making a bad decision and you took the position of trying to understand their pain rather than dominate the conversation with suggestions, disappointment, or reprimands? You have just closed the door the next time they consider confiding in you or telling you the truth.

Learning comes from self-discovery. An infant needs to take the bruises when they learn to walk. Our adolescents need to take the same bruises only the stakes are higher. Nothing we can do or say can replace their own self-discovery. One way of doing that is ASKING QUESTIONS. When you are barking back and forth with each other, there is no opportunity for the truth to surface. Taking a defensive posture will rarely open the door to awareness. Consequently, taking a position that creates a defensive response does not move either party towards awareness and conflict resolution. Asking questions and giving time for a response will. When a question is tossed over to our Millennials to consider, they are forced to reflect and respond. One does not need to be a psychic or an intuit to pull the truth from within. I rarely accept, "I don't know". I will ask, "if you did know, what would it be?" And remarkably there is always an answer. We are doing our youth a disservice if we don't empower them to take responsibility for their decisions. We strengthen those muscles when we exercise them by asking them questions.

Whether it is in the office or in the home, I have seen miracles by asking questions. A fallback method, a default mechanism to overcoming ALL obstacles is asking questions. Can you recall a challenging conversation that took a twist and you discovered that what appeared to be the issue wasn't the underlying problem. Like an iceberg, only a small percentage of our conscious awareness is above the surface. Lying below is a darkness that hides the truth. By asking the questions you dig deeper and deeper, exposing more and more layers of the onion, until you discover the truth. Again, with my coaching I have launched into a coaching session on a specific topic and find the core of the problem is entirely different. I recall my wife coming home from a hard day at work and venting on this and that and frustrated beyond measure. After time passed, I would ask, "and what is really bothering you?" After pausing, she would share something entirely different. You will learn that until you peel back the layers of the onion by asking questions you can argue and argue for hours, for months, for years and never scratch the surface. In fact you never come close to resolving the conflict because you never tackled it in the first place.

The solution is simple, developing the skill is difficult. Recognition of it is first. In a workshop, I rescued a parent and teen from strangling each other when they bantered back and forth with no resolve. I replaced the mother in the exercise and simply asked questions, only questions. After ten minutes or so, the teen changed before our eyes. Her resentment and anger dissolved. Her willingness to seek alternative solutions surfaced. Her smile returned to her face. I then asked the attendees to identify what was different. No one noticed. I finally resorted to spoon feeding the answer: I asked, "what is the percentage of questions that I asked to the percentage of statements I made?" The answers were mixed. 50/50. 60/40. 20/80. They were all surprised to learn that they witnessed, without their awareness, that I asked questions 100% of the time and made no suggestions or comments. Sometimes the easiest things to see are the most difficult to change. If you don't see them, they are impossible to change.

Practice asking questions. Consider the following:

Go get your coat./Do you think you will need your coat?

That was stupid. /How could you have done that differently?

I want you home at midnight./Is it unreasonable to ask that you be home by midnight?

I've told you this a million times. /Have we already agreed to this?

I don't trust you./Can you understand why I struggle with trusting you?

You are breaking the rules. /Are you aware you are breaking the rules?

Can you feel the difference on the "energy" of the two statements? Do you recognize

how one sounds combative and the other sounds supportive with a kinder approach? Do

you see how this could make a difference in communicating with your millennial? Do

you acknowledge you are going to have to really work at asking questions? Do you see

the merits in doing so? Did you notice this paragraph consists of 100% questions?

I didn't think you would notice. I mean, "Isn't it great you caught on so quickly?"

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute. Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity. He can be reached at mark@karmainstitute.org or at http://www.karmainstitute.org

You can hear the arguments now. Your teenage daughter comes down stairs with her hair dyed red, bright red. Your teenage son is yelling for a later curfew. You go back and forth. It goes a little something like this...

"Mom, come on, 10:00 is ridiculous."

"10:00 pm is your curfew, you know that."

"Everyone else can stay out 'til 11:00."

"You're not everyone else. Now stop arguing with me." (Even though you're arguing right back)

"I hate living in this house!"

"I am not telling you again! 10:00 pm and that's it! End of story!" (Of course, not really, because you both keep right on going)

"It's not fair!"

"A lot of things aren't fair. Your curfew is 10:00, now stop or you can't go out at all."

"I am not a child!"

"I am not saying it again. 10:00 pm!" (So that makes four times)

Sound familiar? By now, you are both probably frustrated, tired, and never want to talk about curfew ever again. Except you will, the next time your teenager tries to negotiate his curfew. Power struggles are easy to get into and hard to get out of. It's all about being prepared.

The first question to ask yourself is, "Is this battle worth fighting?" Picking your battles is a critical step in maintaining your sanity with your teenager. Arguing every hair dye job, piercing, bad habit and decision will run you ragged, and in the end neither of you really win. What can be negotiated and what is a firm rule? Anything pertaining to safety, for instance, would be something you may consider non negotiable. Something that violates a basic house rule may also be another non- negotiable.

TIP: Choose three to five firm house rules (i.e. curfew, homework before television, refrain from cursing) that you see as having no wiggle room. Consistently stick by these rules and communicate the importance of these rules to your teenager through your words and actions.

There is some truth in "teenagers will be teenagers." Teenagers strive for independence, acceptance from peers, and control of their lives and decisions. At the same time, they need (and want) consistent limits. Set consistent limits and consequences. And follow through, follow through, follow through. Mean what you say and say what you mean, then do it!

TIP: Think about logical consequences for rule breaking. If your teen is an hour late for curfew, they get an hour taken off of the next time they go out. If they don't do their homework and watch t.v. all afternoon instead when the rule is homework first, no t.v. the next day. When the rule makes sense to you, it makes sense to them, although they'll never admit it!

The next thing to ask yourself is, "What are my choices in responding to my teenager?" Remember the "D" word...disengage. Getting into a power struggle, fighting for control with your teen is a battle not worth fighting and pointless to win. Set the limit (i.e. 10:00 pm is your curfew), disengage (walk away), remain calm and follow through with consequences if necessary.

TIP: Think ahead about how your teen may respond. What is their typical response in arguments, for example over curfew? By preparing yourself for what your teen will say, you can plan for the most effective response.

Think about connecting the DOTS...

Disengage-avoid power struggles, set the limit and walk away

Options-when possible give your teen options; give them a chance to save face

Take Five-that goes for you and your teen; if discussion or negotiation gets too heated, agree to take five before continuing the discussion

Strategize-think ahead to the potential responses of your teen so you can plan your own strategy, or response (i.e. disengage, reflective listening, empathy, give choices).