Argue With Your Teenager

Open communication between parents and their teenage children is essential. But it should be the kind of communication that is not judgmental or advice-oriented. Instead, it should encourage teens to talk more and, in doing so, reveal the way they see themselves and their place in the world. This approach allows you to gain valuable insight into the identity that is developing within your teenager.

Of course, you must still impose certain limits on your child, and communicate your expectations, but if this is done effectively earlier on, beginning at the age of three, it becomes less critical during adolescence. Still, it is not really possible to avoid all conflict with teens, so don't think your family is abnormal or "dysfunctional" if you find yourself in a position of being the family "cop" at times. That will still leave plenty of opportunities for the kind of communication that will give you a window onto your teen's developing identity.

If you had a typical adolescence, you probably remember one or both of your parents questioning your actions and decisions. Maybe this happened often, or maybe just occasionally. How did you react to it? If you didn't mind being questioned, chances are that your parents questioned you responsibly, and that you realize that they were right to do so, even if you didn't want to admit it. On the other hand, if you resented the questioning, closed down, or even blew up whenever it came to having a dialogue with your parents, chance are that your parents either asked the wrong questions or asked the right questions in the wrong way.

Teenagers love to argue-so much that you might come to think of this as an innate part of their development, just as infants gurgle and toddlers invent playmates. Teens like to question adults about their values, and they like to test limits. This does not necessarily mean that they do not respect the adults they question, or that they reject their values. On the contrary, it is probably a sign of healthy parent-teen relationship that this questioning is taking place. In an unhealthy relationship, the teen simply becomes alienated from the parent. There is no arguing, no testing, and no real communication of any kind.

Why do teenagers love to argue? First, they get a sense of themselves as independently functioning human beings. By arguing, they show that they are no longer children. Second, they use their argumentativeness to work out their own values and identity.

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How Teens Normally Communicate

· Teens normally come to their parents when they need to talk. Be patient.

· Your teen may appear to be rude, in a hurry or cut you short. This is not their intention. Be patient.

· Teens are not adults. You may from time to time have an adult conversation with your teen. Treasure this moment! Don't expect it all the time.

· Teens often are more comfortable talking to their friends or peers than they are talking to adults; especially their parents. Again, nothing against you mom or dad, but kids their age are more fun to talk with. Be patient.

· Moody teens will avoid conversations with you.

· Happy teens may talk your ears off. You may have to listen, nod your head and smile. Be patient.

· See the section in Scott Counseling regarding communicating with you child for information on parenting techniques and strategies on this topic. Be patient!

My Teen Argues!

We want our children to learn to speak and communicate. We want them to become independent thinkers. We also want them, someday, to stand on their own. Well, believe it or not, these are some of the key factors to explain why some children argue with their parents. According to the Department of Families, "arguments between brothers and sisters are one of the ways that children learn to respect other people's belongings and feelings." Children are just like adults. We like to present our ideas and sometimes argue to express our opinions or points of view. Children, however, are just beginning to learn how to argue without being disrespectful. Below are some pointers to help parents teach their child how to share their thoughts without offending others.

· Do not argue with your teen. It's that's simple. An argument can only occur if you let one occur.

· Many arguments can be avoided when you give the child an option. For example: "You can either empty the dishwasher or take out the trash."

· Treat your child and yourself with respect. Be objective when you speak and try to use fewer words. For example: "I need your help. Your job is to pick up your toys. Please begin now." Avoid statements or questions like: "Can you" or "Do you want to pick up your toys now."

· Teach your child the difference between debate and arguments. Debates allow two people to share their points of view without offending others and leaving one person a winner and another a loser. Arguments end with a winner and a loser. Teach your child what points of view or opinions are debatable in your home. If your child says, "Mom, I'm tired of doing dishes." The parent can respond by saying, "That's fine. It's a good time to change chores. You may pick between feeding the dog or dusting this week."

· Use simple body and facial language instead of words. Simple body and facial language includes: Looking at your child and show the face of patience. Your face should show that you are not angry, but you are also not amused.

· Sit down with your child and let the child know the negative consequences that they will receive if they argue with a parent. Set the consequence ahead of time and stick to the consequence. It's appropriate to let children know that you do not want an argument as a warning before providing the consequence. Remember the first example provided above.

· You may provide incentives. However, do not over use this strategy or you will be teaching the child that rewards come after each request. "You may play with your friends when you are done doing the dishes."

· Encourage and teach your child to ask for permission. This will prevent many arguments.

· Prepare yourself for the fact that your child will be making more requests that may lead to future arguments. To find out if your child's request is normal for his or her age group, ask a teacher, youth group leader, coach or other adults who have many years of experience working with children to find out if their request is normal.

· Let your child know that making a request should be done in private or at home. Some parents, for example, tell their child that if they ask to have a friend sleep over in front of the friend that their request will automatically be denied.

Note: Children who have chronic or ongoing behavioral problems with argument that lead to anger, violence or other fear inducing tactics may need to be assessed by a trained professional. Usually these behaviors diagnosed by a psychiatrist or other medical professionals. You may also obtain assistance from a school psychologist who may provide some insights and resource information.

Scott Wardell is a school counselor and created http://www.ScottCounseling.com to provide parents with 100's of free parenting articles to assist parents with their parenting skills.

Sure, just about every parent will eventually hear the words "I hate you." Especially when you don't let them have their way! Usually, if communication is otherwise good, you can just ride the storm out. When the emotions have run their course, you will often hear the words "I'm sorry, mom, I didn't really mean it." Happiness is restored. But this article is about poor communication that develops over months or years. Here are a few thoughts and a possible solution.

I was talking to a business colleague the other day about successful parenting. She said: "make sure you start early." Wise words. If you have a good relationship with your child when he or she is small; and if you have an understanding heart, you are off to a good start.

If you continue to be there for your child (instead of abandoning your child to daycare, preschool, or some ambitious or scary school environment), you will avoid a whole bunch of potential problems. If you are vigilant about such things too much television, too many video games, and too much socializing--chances are that big issues will never even develop.

Once your child has conformed to the peer group and pop culture; once he or she looks for support and reassurance from them instead of you, you will begin to lose the natural authority you once had.

Peers, celebrities, educators, boyfriends, and so on become their authorities. Your child learns to be a smart aleck, to take drugs, to have sex, to tease, and to conform to the pop culture with them. And so they become the gods and authorities of your child. Your child will look to them for approval and assurance for what they have made of her. Once this has happened, should you try to intervene, you will be seen as the enemy, as mean, as interfering.

I am not saying that good communication can't be restored. Communication begins to improve when a parent who--through suffering and soul searching--begins to wake up to see his or her own selfishness, and takes responsibility for what has gone wrong instead of blaming the child. When the parent is genuinely sorry and desirous to be a good parent from now on--I am not saying that things can't be turned around. Proper order and a good relationship can be restored, and that would be good.

But restoring a good relationship is very difficult, and may not happen, if the child is already a teen or young adult, or if a divorce has happened and the child lives with someone else. But even here, love is a very powerful force. And when a parent has a sincere change of heart, the child (who is psychically bonded to the parent) will sense it, even if a thousand miles away. Something good can begin to happen, working within the heart.

The problems begin when many parents turn their children over to strangers and to too much socializing when they are young. Often most of the day is literally spent with strangers, while mom is off at work. Even when everyone is home, kids are watching television, playing video games, social networking on the computer, text messaging, or talking on the cell phone.

The parent becomes a non-factor. The parent usually tries to take charge by being mean or bossy, leading to the usual conformity or rebellion. This does not work. All it does is drive them further away, or produce apathy, fear, or resentful conformity.

If such a parent does not become a feared and hated tyrant, she becomes the opposite: not respected and not payed attention to. The parent tries punishing. When nothing works, she loses patience and turns the child over to more strangers and Godless authorities.

Years of neglect, impatience, errors and so on lead to a lot of guilt. It would be good if this guilt led to a crisis of repentance, where the build up of conflict with conscience leads to a capitulation to conscience, catharsis and resolution. When a parent's heart softens, love begins to flow. And love is a very powerful thing. In other words, when you are coming from the right place, whatever you say or do will have love in it.

But just when real soul searching might occur, the parent often hardens her heart, refuses to admit she is wrong, and with the help of friends, saves face and protects her ego. Of course, it is a natural human tendency to not want to admit we are wrong. But self righteousness and blame destroy relationships.

We don't like to admit wrong to anyone, even to our God-given conscience. So we deny what conscience is wordlessly trying to tell us (just as we deny what our children are trying to tell us when they cry or act out--seeking to make us aware of our lack of understanding).

However, conditions eventually develop that cannot be denied. The parent may then do a complete about face: become too nice and too easy going, perhaps giving in totally to every demand. All to save face and try to make up for guilt.

Some parents will often rush after their kids, chasing them all the way to the rehab house or the jail, seeking to rescue them so that they can get rid of the guilt for having driven their kids to the streets and drugs.

So I must again say that there is no substitute for understanding. Just remember how you felt when you stood before some angry authority trying to explain something, and they would not listen. Where is the love? Where is the understanding?

The good news is: love still exists. It is in you right now. You have a wordless way of knowing, in the light of intuition which is from God. Right now it wordlessly and silently testifies to the truth of what I have said. The same light that is in me is in you. All you have to do is soften your pride and embrace (instead of rejecting) the conscience that loves you.

Yes, your conscience makes you feel bad (when you see, for example, your own impatience, selfishness or resentment). It makes you feel bad when you see how your meddling and manipulations have made everything worse. But the pain is only temporary.

On the other side of admitting your wrong and being sorry is peace and a new lease on life. When you begin to live intuitively, love and understanding will enter everything you do.

For God's sake, don't be the heartless bureaucrat to your own children. Let your heart soften, and then your children will see the face of love. If you don't, then they will go out in the world looking for love in all the wrong places.

Roland Trujillo MS, PhD, educator and author, is Director of the Center For Common Sense Counseling and host of the popular radio advice show. Roland offers solutions and tools for common sense parenting, dealing with stress, and improving family relationships. Roland will soon celebrate 30 years of teaching and 22 years on the air. Roland's secret recipes for parenting success always include a heaping teaspoon of patience and a generous sprinkling of laughter. Find out more by visiting http://commonsenseparenting.blogspot.com. You will find free resources and valuable information. Roland has been helping people for 30 years. Perhaps he can help you too.

If you take a moment to look at what is going on with the angry teenager in your household, you come up against pretty daunting changes which are really testing his limits and yours! There are the bodily changes, hormonal storms, peer pressure, academic stress and a desire to test out new freedoms and become independent at last. There is a great impetus to break away from the irksome parental control which he or she has had to put up with for the last fifteen years or so.

The angry teenager is still seething and erupts at the slightest provocation. The banging of doors, the sullen and sulky silences and an overall unwillingness to even talk to you, the bewildered parent. Here are some suggestions to help you and him to get out of the wilderness.

Strangely enough, the first thing that parents should try to do is to open the lines of communication although that may seem difficult when doors are being slammed. However there will be calmer moments and that is a great chance to let them talk and tell you a few things. All we have to do is just listen. That will make a nice change from lecturing, nagging and warning!

I know some parents who always advocate a cooling off period and winding down time as soon as they get home which applies to everybody in the family. There is no talking or arguing or any discussion at all for at least half an hour.

That gives the angry teenager and yourself time to change and begin to adjust to coming home again. Other parents I knew were just dreading going home because they knew they would be picked on as soon as they walked in the door.

Once the lines of communication are open you can try and establish what is hurting or frustrating your teen and why he is reacting like this. Talk about how he feels, his reactions and then ask if there are other ways he can deal with this very strong emotion which is understandable but which is creating enormous difficulties within the family unit. Hopefully, that will make him reflect and he may react differently the next time with a calmer reaction.

These are just two or three ways we can approach the angry teenager. The whole set of strategies is set out in a home study course on child behavior modification. The emphasis is on giving the teenager coping skills for life and helping him to be accountable and to take responsibility for all his actions.

As this study at home course will save you hundreds of dollars in consultant's fees, it really does make sense to consider using this when you are faced with defiant and angry kids. I know parents who have followed these strategies and were amazed when they got results that they had never dreamed possible.

Tearing your hair out because of outbursts, defiant and aggressive behavior? Experts now tell us that child behavior modification or simply learning strategies for effective parenting is the best possible way on how to deal with an angry teenager.

Robert Locke has written extensively on parenting and behavior issues for many years.
For more child behavior help, visit:- http://problemkidsblog.blogspot.com