Argue With Your Teenager

0 - 1 YEAR

At this stage in life, the concepts of right and wrong are not possible to teach. Rather, an infant who is shown warmth,cuddling and loving attention is likely to grow into a healthy and happy adult.

1 - 2 YEARS

Rather than scolding a child or arguing with him about

misbehaver, try to take preventative measures beforehand. If

you don't want him pulling things out the cupboards, make sure

they are secured. At this age of short attention span, discipline beyond a simple "no" is unnecessary and can have

undesirable effects.

2 - 4 YEARS

Children of this age, unable to understand abstractions such as generosity and truth, imitate their parents. So set an example.Be firm in disallowing undesirable behavior, but do so in a kind and friendly manner, without attempting to explain why.

4 - 6 YEARS

This is the time where you can really take some positive steps to reinforce your child's positive behavior. Give him lots of praise when it's due. Children of this age respond well to simple reasoning and explanations. Concepts such as truthfulness and generosity can be introduced. Continue to set an example of acceptable behavior. The child at this stage wants to please you and wants to be liked by others.

5 - 8 YEARS

Children develop a greater social awareness at this age. They understand the basic rights of others when taught fairness,values and the need to follow certain rules of behavior. Rules and limitations not only seem just to the child, but give him a good feeling of security.

8 - 11 YEARS

Due to natural growth and influences outside the home, your child has likely become more independent. He may begin to

question your decisions, contradict or argue. You must remain

firm in the important matters and flexible in less important

ones. Demonstrate and discuss the child's duties and

responsibilities to friends, relatives and society. Set

examples of moral behavior. Sex education can also be important

at this stage.

12 - 17 YEARS

These are normally rebellious years for most teenagers. Infact, teenagers who never rebel are probably in emotional trouble. As a parent you must weather the storm when your teenager begins to question and test conventional values, rules and beliefs. If you've instilled a sense of values at an early age, chances are he still retains many of those ideas. Try to keep lines of communication open and don't push the panic

button. If communication does break down and tensions mount

considerably, seek professional help.

18 YEARS AND OVER

At this stage most young adults are forming, or have formed,their own set of values. However, life still holds for them many unanswered questions, and a warm yet honest relationship can still go a long way in helping them reach mature adulthood.

MORE FREE INFORMATION AVAILABLE AT http://www.911parenting.com

I am a Resource Specialist, and a Credentialed Special Education Teacher in the State of California for over 20 years. I received my MA degree in Special Education from California State University. I have worked with hundreds of children in both regular education and special education classrooms. Creating a successful teaching environment depends upon many factors, and working with the parents has always been the most important factor.

Teenaged stepdaughters... a force to reckon with!

We were invited to our friends' house for Thanksgiving dinner. When we were getting ready to leave the house, my stepdaughter came out of her room wearing the WORST OUTFIT. It was edgy, ugly and provocative...everything I hated. I asked her to change her clothes into something more appropriate. She refused, saying, "I like this outfit, what's the matter with it?" Angry words back and forth followed. It ended with her refusal to change her clothes; her final shot at me was, "You can't control me!"

We ignored each other at the party, although I noticed that she was having fun with our friends and their kids. She was polite, talkative and quite charming. The next day my friend called to tell me how delightful my stepdaughter was. She couldn't understand how I struggled with her the way I did. I told her, "YOU don't have to raise her!"

My stepdaughter and I were struggling with three issues: 1) power and control, 2) loyalty issues between her mom, her dad and me, and 3) just normal adolescent behavior.

Power and control

I felt helpless and powerless over my stepdaughter. She was at the age where she didn't want to be controlled by anyone...least of all by me, her stepmother. The FORCE of her peer group was casting its spell, dictating to her how to look, what to think, how to behave and feel. When we'd argue, she'd insist, "I know what's right for me. It's MY life, and you can't tell me what to do!"

Loyalty

That said, paradoxically, teenagers are incredibly loyal to their biological parents as they grasp for their own identity and independence. When push comes to shove, it's Mom and Dad they run to for reassurance, sympathy, and scolding. They need their parents to push away from as well as to attach to. Teenagers are working overtime to figure out WHO AM I AND WHERE DO I FIT IN? That's what adolescence is all about.

I finally learned that I was not part of this biological, emotional bonding, and I got out of the way. I learned that I could be more beneficial to my stepdaughter if I was just an adult friend, a mentor, and a listening ear when she wanted to talk. That worked.

Adolescent developmental issues

When adults remarry during the time their kids are adolescents, they shouldn't expect a lot of bonding and attaching between generations because children this age just don't have it in them. They're breaking away from parental control. They're preparing to separate and establish their independence, after all. Once again, it's best for stepparents to befriend and mentor teenagers and leave the heavy-duty disciplining and parenting to the biological parents.

On a positive note, studies suggest that adolescents can often confide more in stepparents than they can with their biological parents during their vulnerable teen years. Kids can be more open and honest with stepparents if they can be heard with curiosity, neutrality...and wisdom.

How are you playing your cards with your teenaged stepchildren? Is it working... or do you need to step back and "draw again" for new feelings and behaviors?

Susan Wisdom, LPC

http://www.stepcoupling.com