All parents argue with their teenagers but only few people do it right By following this blog you will learn some very useful tips that will help you Argue With Your Teenager the right way.
All parents argue with their teenagers but only few people do it right
By following this blog you will learn some very useful tips that will help you Argue With Your Teenager the right way.
Many adolescents will enter into relationships and become uncertain and sometimes jealous. Some teens will find flapping their boyfriend or girlfriend over very stupid things and they are sometimes even imagine. Much of the insecurity of time comes from your childhood and much of the time of his previous reports or experience that wasnt a good experience.
I have a friend and it's history.
He met this girl when he was 17 and he has been with it since then and it is now 22. When they met he was telling me how happy they were together and after approximately 1 year he told me his friend always become jealous and insecurity on some people what petty things.
He spoke about his suitor with him because he had a friend text messages asking how it is and how his girlfriend threw his phone into a lake. Text messages said were purely innocent and he has not yet responded to them.
He also told me about 2 years in their relationship how his girlfriend was accusing him of fancying people left right and center when he gave no reason at all to be jealous or worry about what he was doing.
It is now split with his girlfriend because of all the arguing about things that he has never and has been accused of.
Insecurity is obviously not a good thing in a relationship, especially when there is no reason to be and what are some tips on how to deal with precarious or jealous:
1. Try sitting with your partner and talk about your love for one another. Share your feelings and tell them that you feel.
2. The purchase a nice from time to time gift to make them feel special as insecurity occurs sometimes in reason to feel left out or special steps.
3 Take him out with you all the time when you will place, you can both enjoy yourself. Sitting inside supporting Won ' t help.
4. If you feel uncertain and are subject to snap, calm yourself by going into another room and be thinking to yourself about how you feel and how to behave as sometimes insecure/jealous of people may behave erratically.
5 Spend more time with each other.
6 Let his knowledge that take you care of their regularly and always show affection when one of the yous are down.
7. Many non-secure people can have insecurities about their bodies and their appearance, added one another on how to help the eyes of one another.
8 Positive stay, try do step to make each other feel negative relations and doing positive things together.
9 Mutually give your ideas on life and paths in life you are all two suite, discuss what you feel the life you live too much with each other.
10 Try to bicker and argue, discuss your questions.
To overcome insecurity and jealousy you both need to trust each other, and without trust your relationship will be very rocky. You should reward one another with magnet acts and say are mutually large yous how.
Insecurity and jealousy can be a very complex thing in which two people must work their way autour. Some people naturally becomes jealous and others not, just work on your relationship and it end up as my friends.
If you distrust your girlfriend or boyfriend and then work to trust them, it will help your relationship so.
* You have a right to be YOU, you don't have to be a size 8 or have the perfect hair... You are beautiful in a way that know other person can be.
* You are here for YOUR JOURNEY, no one else's but YOURS!
Respecting Others
* Everyone such as yourself is on their own personal journey... respect that
* Respect other Cultures: Australia is now Multi-cultural, other nationalities can be seen everyday. We should be proud they chose our country to live, but also we don't know why they left their homeland. Maybe their country is not safe or they escaped poverty. Look at other countries and see how they live, and understand how lucky Australia is. We can go to the shop without dodging bullets, we have fresh water and we have government support.
* What someone else thinks of you is none of your business. REALLY who CARES!
* We are ALL unique. Accept others that may be different and hope they respect us in return.
The Journey
If I didn't travel this journey I wouldn't be the person I am today. Each time something doesn't work out I believe it wasn't meant happen this way. And I need to take another direction or path... This mightn't work for you but it does for me.
Look at life as YOUR Journey... - Kimi Alcott
Arguing and Anger
Don't get into arguments, they are a waste of time and energy. Anger is an internal killing machine. Anger does more damage to you than anyone else. Why do this to yourself? MOVE ON.
The Future
You can do whatever You want to do, be what You want to be, but You have to take the First Step.
Many of us think that children are very easy to manoeuvre and we do not need to explain everything to them. It is therefore every easy to say a "No" or avoid a discussion that requires answering a lot of questions. Last week a friend of mine called me and told me that she had real trouble dealing with her 13 year old. He would just not accept any answer from her and he would argue about everything. I asked her a simple question - "What sort of interaction do you have with him?"
She did not understand the question and replied, "What do you mean?"
Then I asked her, "If I ask you to go through your day and think of all the interactions you have had with your son - which interactions do you remember and what sort of interactions were they?"
She recited some of the interactions and as I had expected - most of the interactions were simple daily chores, small admonishments and arguments, advice given while preparing food or doing household work, orders given and taken, yes-no conversations etc. In short there was not a single one-to-one, face-to-face conversation she had with her son. It was very obvious here that she had no meaningful relationship with her son and dealing with him was like getting a job done at home. She had avoided all difficult discussions either by a simply ignoring the problem or reproaching him or through superficial advising. Following are the five tips I gave her to improve the relationship with her son:
Give time: Like every relationship, especially when your kid enters their teens, you need to give time to develop it to next phase. Teenage is a very critical and delicate stage of your child's life and you need to understand their requirements and mental state. Many teenagers are confused - they want to be treated like adults, but at the same time they are not sure how to take the responsibility of an adult. They are not sure what behaviours would give confidence to their elders and parents about their renewed sense of responsibility. Hence it is crucial to give time to redefine their identity for themselves.
Listen: Listen not just to what they are saying but what they want to say. It is very crucial to understand the undercurrents and their feelings. They want to be treated like adults and not kids and the best we can do as parents is to treat them like one by giving them more responsibility/respect and not constantly chiding. Listening especially to what your child is meaning to say can give you a lot of cues on what you can do, how their mind is working, what are their fears and where they can go wrong.
Have face-to-face discussions: Have at one face-to-face discussion with you kid - where the time belongs to them and you are not multi-tasking. Try and select a topic - "What did you do today?"; "How can we change the room set-up?"; "How are his/her friends doing?"; etc. Be genuine about topics and show interest in what they are saying. It might be a bit tough in the beginning, if you are not used to having these free flow conversations - but once you develop a rapport topics will crop up from no where. In these discussions, ask as many open ended questions - but allow you kid to do most of the speaking. Again this is the best way to understand undercurrents and hidden feelings.
Coach rather than direct: Get out of the constant ordering mode and coach them as much as possible. Coaching is a technique where you play a role as a friend, philosopher and guide and not a pacesetter or commander. It takes a lot to step back and allow your kid to find the way, as most of the time you know the right answer. But, only when you loosen the reins a bit will you allow your child to grow. Coaching cultivates creativity, forces your child to think and most importantly generates confidence.
Give Space: Finally, give space - don't keep on breathing down their neck. Allow them the latitude and show trust in their capabilities. You will be surprised; they will never let you down as they know that you have put a lot of trust in them. I have found that kids are most conscientious - much more than any of us. Most of us are rather protective of our children - hence they have not been touched by the grueling truths of the world, which makes most of us shrewd or crafty. If we can allow them to experience trust and honesty in the safe environment at home they will become stronger human beings in the future, when they have to face the world.
Teenage is like a tectonic shift in life of your child. For them, it is a sudden realization of their identity and their worth; they start understanding things lot more and start relating to events. It is also a time of emotional upheaval, where they are constantly searching their self, about what they stand for and what they want to do. As they move into teenage - our kids form early images of what they want to do in their lives, have their heroes and idols and change their habits to live up to the image they form about themselves. All you can do is positively reinforce right behaviours, make them see the pitfalls of certain behaviours and most importantly become their friends rather than parents. Only then will you be able to develop trust in the relationship.
The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer goods company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting techniques. She specialises in parenting tips. You can access her free report "New Parenting Style" or buy her book "Solving Teenage Problems" on http://www.teenageproblems.newparentingstyle.com or check your "Parent Stress Intensity Quotient" on http://www.stressmanagement.newparentingstyle.com.
Our kids' biggest complaint while growing up was that they had to share a bedroom. Since we have two boys and two girls, I saw sharing as a perfect and natural arrangement... two bedrooms... two in each.
They dreamed of the day when they would have a bedroom to call their own...
"If I had my own room I could listen to my favorite music all night."
"If I had my own room I could read mysteries all night."
"I want my own room so I can have the closet to myself."
"I want my own room so I can have privacy when my friends come over."
So when we decided to build a house, of course, their #1 request was for individual bedrooms. I didn't make any promises, but secretly thought it would make for smoother family life if the house we built had enough bedrooms for each child.
There would be no more arguing about who was the Messy One. I would hear no more shouts to "Turn off the light!" or threats against those crossing the line marking ". . . my side of the room!"
I would no longer have to stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell for everyone to "BE QUIET and GO TO SLEEP!"
When we finalized the house plans, there were enough bedrooms to eliminate sharing. Throughout construction our children talked endlessly about the possibilities and how "once and for all" it would finally be proven that "She was the Messy One--not me!"
The first thing I noticed after moving into our new home was that the messiness was evenly distributed. Then, I noticed that the boys, whose bedrooms faced each other, kept their doors open all night so they could talk to each other.
After we had been in our home several days I went to kiss the girls goodnight. Our oldest daughter wasn't in her room. When I looked in our youngest daughter's bedroom I found them both settled in there... together on the bed. "What are you guys doing?"
Giggling, they answered, "We're having a sleep-over!" They have since had many such sleep-overs.
We've been in our home several years now and I had forgotten all this until yesterday when my daughter and I were hiking and talking. She said she was glad that she and her sister are such good friends. I wondered how that came to be, because I remembered some of their battles with each other.
She answered, "I think it's because we shared a bedroom all those years. We would argue during the day, but once we were in bed with the lights out, we told stories and laughed and talked about our day and the people we knew. We gave each other back rubs and foot rubs."
She concluded, "I think it was during those times that we really bonded."
I wish now that I could go back to those days in our smaller home and change my call from the bottom of the stairs to, "Talk, laugh--don't worry about sleep! You will cherish this friendship the rest of your life."
See Celebrating Motherhood for helps in building strong mother and child bonds & attachment [http://celebratingmotherhood.com/about] as well as other parenting tips and encouragement.
Also enjoy a humorous look at the struggles that come with the celebration!
After all the children I have raised, with four being ones I gave birth to, I still sit in bewilderment at the teenage years. I find myself flipping like a coin that can expose either side when it comes to my own emotions during these years of my child growing up. On one side, I am elated at the miracle of my child growing up and stepping into adulthood. Yet, on the other side, I am dismayed by the loss of "my little angel bunny foofoo ears" that would cuddle next to me while showing me I was their world. The path to adulthood is at best a rollercoaster ride of hormones and erratic behavior. Being a parent puts you on the rollercoaster ride with them. My suggestion is to hang on tight and buy many tissues.
My expertise is with boys since I gave birth to five and took in several. When they reach the age of 11 to 14, the first symptoms appear as pimples and facial hair. This will be the first sign of testosterone poisoning. It will spread quickly and it will not be long until the brain is laden with testosterone deposits, causing it to misfire and your young son to show erratic behavior. Until the young male child shows completed maturity, they will bounce back and forth from being your sweet child to the genre of masculinity.
The male child will have strong desires to see nude woman. Much to the dismay of others in the household, they will spend extended amounts of time in the bathroom. You will probably go into denial and innocently try to figure out what is happening to your son. On occasion, he will still curl up next to your and snuggle. Enjoy the moment, and remember that this is the natural path to growing up.
As the young male body is being over run by hormones, his voice will change, his anger flairs, he will become moody and you will have no inclination as to when it will change. You will sit back in astonishment as he transforms his entire demeanor as he changes friends. I guarantee throughout this transformation, that you will be shocked at least a thousand times. He will have females on his mind 99% of the time.
Although the females are known to have addictions to telephones, you will find that the male child has the same dependency. With cell phones becoming common, the male child will learn at all times to live with one useful hand and the other bent to hold a phone to their ear. It will almost become an appendage until they marry, at which time they inform you that it is used "only for business".
Your darling male change will change from a warm and loving child to a male that does not understand women. Much like life in the animal kingdom, the young male will begin to argue and fight with other males in the household. This is in an attempt to become the alpha male of herd. The brothers, who were once best friends, will fight until there is blood to gain dominance. As the adult, you must stand up for yourself by ripping the appendage called a phone off their ear, or you will be marked and shoved aside.
When it comes to the female species, I have limited knowledge. I have taken in young girls but they left when the oldest was in first grade. Steve blessed me by bringing Shannon into my life when she was 16 and wanting her own car. The other knowledge I have is my closeness to my niece, Sabrina as she went through the trying teen years.
The female child will become a very complex human as she starts to mature. About the age of twelve, she starts her progression of growing up. She will morph from your little princess to an entity of rotating emotions. In a short amount of time, "The Princess" will constantly marinate in a pool of estrogen that will change her emotions, decisions, and thought pattern in a split second. Many become a "Drama Queen" in this period of their life. The real trick is getting them to grow out of it.
Sadly, most female hormonal mutants gage their worth from the opinions of other male and female mutants (males measure their self worth the same way). The results will vary from the need to shop and chatter excessively to a quiet and sad young woman that keeps to herself and a few friends. You will literally be tossed around on a sea of emotions as the young female set sails for womanhood. Please allow me to throw out a life preserver in the form of advice throughout the next paragraph.
Do not be fooled by your young ladies large doe eyes filling with tears. At that moment of their life, the "tragedy" they are experiencing is indeed ripping their heart apart. If you become entrapped by the intense emotion, and attempt to climb the heavens and the earth to remedy this for her you may be met with a surprise. When you do locate her in an attempt to inform her you have cured her problem, you will almost certainly exasperate her by interrupting her phone call. You will probably find her laughing and when you tell what you did for her; she will look at you as if you have four eyes and say" OH MY GAWD! That was like so 5 minutes ago!". My advice is to step aside, make no quick moves, and hope it will go away. If it does not, immediately drop and play dead.
Unlike the male mutants, the females are not preoccupied with the opposite sex's appearance. They are involved in their own appearance and the number of males they attract. Females are not as interested in sex as they are about being popular and pretty. Their first physicals signs of maturing are breasts, their periods, and PMS. There will be times your little princess will appear and be sweet and helpful. Treasure those moments for they will become a rarity.
I offer you a minuscule amount of wisdom since each case is unique. I tell you to take the "dramas" lightly as they will pass. I ask you to reinforce their self-esteem by letting them know they are all beautiful in their own rights and things will change when they are older. No matter how much you would like to be their best friend, remember that your role as a parent is much more important. They need stability, structure and guidance more than they need a friend. They have multi friends at school, and as you know, friends come and go with age. Yet they only have at most 4 parents to love and guide them through this maze we call life. Your role in their life is essential to their success.
On the hormonal sea of puberty, take the role of captain and remain in charge at all times. Remember that your greatest strength will be in the fact that you can lead and love at the same time. Speak with wisdom and firmness without using profanity or a hysterical tone. It is easier to give in and spoil a child than it is to be authoritative and raise a child. You can be firm and still act loving towards them. You do not have to be their best friend to have a good time and share laughter with your child. One more tip from an endless list, do not walk away from raising your child, or speak hastily. This is your child, and giving up is not an option. Your words will be remembered when they are parents, so make sure your words were spoken with forethought and wisdom. You have to act like an adult in order to raise a child to become one.
This lesson is not about growing up as a child through puberty but as an adult through parenting. It is about walking through a time in life where one must lead and another follow. Find the humor in this phase so that you may laugh and lighten your load. It is not the person you are as you begin to sail but the person you have become when your voyage is completed.
*Please, note that prolonged depression and excessive "drama" within a teenager's life (or anyone's for that matter) should be taken seriously. There is mental health treatment available regardless of finances. You should contact your doctor or local Heath Department to be referred to a treatment facility. The rate for teenage suicide has peaked and we must take this seriously.
Sometimes the laughter in mothering is the recognition of the ironies and absurdities. Sometime, though, it's just pure, unthinking delight.
Barbara Schapiro, O Magazine, May 2003
What children take from us, they give...We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply.
Rhiannon Waits is a Globally reconized Psychic/Medium, Talk Show of "Lets Talk About You", Syndicated colunist for "Rhia's Corner", Author of "Little Lessons on Love and Life", Motivational Speaker, and the recording artist of "Spiritual Journeys". She lives in Pensacola Florida with her mate, Steven and their family. COntact can be made through her website http://www.rhiannonwaits.com or calling her office at 850-941-4190.
Teenage rebellion: one of the certainties on adolescent parents. The scene when the children begin to become adults is one where their full frame of reference on the world changes. There are new rules for them to follow, of new sources of power and influence in their lives, and they must learn to place in the world. An essential part of successful teenage parenthood is helping your child learn their limits.
One thing that should occur when parents adolescents, it is that you must ask your first reactions to what your teen. If your daughter dyed blue hair or your son starts wearing make up, you want may face in the future, but don't forget that they are not hurting anyone. They will be stopped once they feel foolish, or changes of mode. In addition, it is important what your teen looks outside if they are a good person inside? It is an essential thing for a souvenir for young parents.
Key tactics to know when parents adolescents, once you have done that the actions of your ADO are step harm to someone, is to avoid confrontation. Your teen will probably argue back, worse things for you all and test how far they can push. Try and remain calm and patient in all aspects of teenage parenthood. Have a discussion on a particular behavior, try and have a general discussion and ask questions which will be lead them to think things through by themselves.
Forgive your adolescent. Often, this is something difficult to do when parents adolescents, but remember that they are just learning. Be fair but firm. If they do or say something that you can not find acceptable adult, tell them. They may not know that their behavior is unacceptable. Give them the opportunity to apologize and change their behavior before taking action. This is something key to adolescent parents remember. If they once again, and then ignore, if possible and take appropriate measures if it affects other people in a negative way.
Teenage parenting can be stressful, but can also be so much fun. You have a new adult in your life who can do things that that could not your children. They are required to verify the limits and see what they can and cannot do, and it is something that almost all teens parents must deal with. If you are seriously concerned about the behaviour of your much ADO and there are indications that they could be harming themselves or others, then please do not be worried about seeking professional help.
The author is an executive marketing successfully in the business of large consumer goods and of a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride over the past two years and recorded his family on the disaster while working on his techniques successfully in parenting. It is specialized in the Councils of the parents. You can access free report "New Style" parental or buy his book "The Teenage problems resolution" on http://www.teenageproblems.newparentingstyle.com or check your "Parent Stress intensity Quotient"on http://www.stressmanagement.newparentingstyle.com. "."
Often times it's hard for parents to know if their teen has a behavioural problem because many of the teen's behaviours can be attributed to rebellious teenage behaviour. To know if your teen has behavioural issues, consider if your teen's behaviours are a normal, everyday occurrence. If your teen is frequently defiant and disobedient and continuously violates rules, your teen may have a behavioural problem. Signs to look for include:
- Not following rules
- Arguing with adults and peers
- Not taking responsibility for his or her own actions
- Regularly loses his or her temper
- Easily annoyed or angered
- Purposely annoys other people
To make matters worse, teens with behavioural problems often use such behaviours as using drugs and alcohol, sex or violence to deal with their emotions. So while you may be dealing with a teen who has a behavioural problem, you may also be trying to overcome a drug or alcohol addiction.
How to Deal With a Teen Who Has Behavioural Issues
Remember that your teen's behavioural issues do not have to be a permanent problem. You must overcome this as a family and the first step is to determine what is causing your teen to have these behavioural issues. Perhaps it's conflict within the family or problems at school that are causing your teen to act out. It's possible that even your teen may not know what's really bothering her.
That is why family and individual counselling is the first step in dealing with your teen's behaviours. Through counselling, your teen can work out his inner feelings, while taking the time to explore what it is that's causing him to act out. Family therapy also allows for the family to reconnect and work through some of their problems as a group.
It is also important to bond with your teen by being an active listener; remember to ask questions, meet her circle of friends and know what's going on in her day-to-day world. Listening is not sharing your own experiences or advice, instead it is sitting down with your teen and giving your full attention and support.
Even if you disagree with some of your teen's beliefs, you need to learn to accept your teen for the person he is becoming. Arguing over a disagreement will only add to the stress and tension of the relationship, causing your teen to further his behavioural issues. If there is a problem at hand, wait until you and your teen have taken some time away from each other and then readdress the topic under neutral grounds.
Also keep in mind that although you want to share your support and love with your teen, it's important that you stand firm and set boundaries. You need to show your teen what is expected from her and that following rules is a valuable step in becoming an adult.
What if My Teen Continues to Break the Rules?
For most teens with behavioural issues, a combination of group and individual counselling, as well as taking an active part in their life, proves to be successful tools in reducing and eliminating behavioural problems. However, there are still many teens that struggle with behavioural issues long after counselling and ongoing parent interaction.
If your teen continues to be defiant and break the rules without having regard for others, you will have to encourage others to form the same structured and firm environment that you are providing at home. Speak with your teen's teachers or coaches to ensure that they hold the same expectations for your teen as you do. Be sure that you are consistent in your rules and hold consequences in place for when the rules are disregarded.
Also consider empowering yourself as a parent by taking parenting classes or joining a parenting support group. You will learn effective parenting strategies and techniques when dealing with your defiant teen, as well as gain the confidence to stand your ground when making and executing rules. Keep positive and offer your teen love, without giving in to your teen's demands.
Most importantly, try to find something enjoyable that you and your teen can do together. Perhaps a pottery class or seeing a movie once a week will give the two of you time to reconnect and take pleasure in being with each other. The goal is to get your teen to see that disregarding rules only leads to a series of unnecessary and negative consequences.
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There is a parenting community available with a wide range of useful resources to help in the day to day decision making as parents, including parenting articles, a discussion forum, local activities for the family to enjoy and recipe sharing.
You have said, "I have just had it with all this stress!" a dozen times recently. You have great intentions to change the way you respond to stress -- exercise, deep breathing, soothing music, refusing to argue with your teenager, living within your budget, etc. You manage fine for a day or two and then -- Whammo! You are right back to reacting. You are up to your eyeballs in stress again. Not only are you frustrated and wiped out emotionally, you are judging yourself for not sticking to your plan.
If you know what you need to change, but you haven't been able to stay on track with your plan, consider the following tips.
1. Tackle No More Than Three Strategies at Once
Focus on only one, two or perhaps three new de-stressing habits, qualities, actions or strategies at a time. This way, you will keep your objectives within reach rather than overwhelming yourself. You will find it easier to remember your intentions and stick to your plan.
2. Track Your Stress Reduction Process and Progress
Track your process (your focus on your intention) and/or your progress daily, using a rating scale, a check box or a descriptive word system. Tracking is simply a way of neutrally observing and measuring your progress.
In my extensive experience, paying attention without judgment at least once a day to your desired stress relief strategy strongly reinforces your effort.
It's as if by paying attention, watching and observing a particular area, you let your heart and mind know this is an important area of life. Regardless of whether you rate yourself high or low, you are making the process noteworthy and in a relatively short time you should discover some desired changes unfolding.
Please note that small and gradual changes are often more powerful in the long run because you are more likely to integrate and maintain them.
Examples:
For instance, use a rating scale from 1-10 if you are watching your ability to stay calm with your teenager. You simply consider how you fared at the end of each day and take about 15 seconds to assign a rating number and write it into your calendar.
Use a check mark (or sticker or star) to indicate, "Yes, I did it." Check offs are useful for new habits like spending five minutes in quiet relaxation morning and evening.
Use a descriptive word system if you don't relate to numbers or check marks. For example, if your intention is to use creative problem solving to head off stressful situations, you could write a word or brief phrase on your calendar each day, such as, "Compromised with boys." "Used humor!" "Suggested tennis." "Walking helped."
3. Reward Yourself for Playing the Game
Give yourself a small reward each week just for paying attention to your stress reduction process.
Regardless of your perceived progress or change in ratings, you deserve acknowledgment for sticking with your intention, holding your focus and making small steps in your preferred direction of less stress.
Goal: Long Term Change for Stress Relief
Remember, your goal at this point is not for instant and complete stress reduction. Your goal is to stick with your process of change long enough to learn and integrate new habits. Tracking reinforces the process so you can transform your habitual responses for lasting stress relief!
Also, feel free to check out my articles on success, less stress, and my Ask Dr. Ilenya advice column at my blog, http://lovingyoursuccess.blogspot.com
Dr. Ilenya Marrin is a spiritual counselor, inspirational speaker and author of ebooks The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out and 77 Loving Steps for Success.
The problems of adolescence are a major headache for most parents. There are many causes of these problems - hormonal changes and physical, stress at school, family stress and pressure of peer group are some of the main causes of these problems. Let us understand various symptoms of adolescent behavior problems:
Withdrawal: The first signs of adolescent behavior problems are the withdrawal of their relationship with you. They will be suddenly stop responding to you and give you answers only in single syllables. They will start hiding something from you and become discrete. Also, they remain in their room all the time and refuse to be part of the family get delighted.
Arguments: Another major symptom of problem behaviour among adolescent girls is an increase in the argumentative nature of your child. Your child will stop to listen to and argue with you on almost anything. They will be in question all the rules you have thrown and arguments against to perform any work that you give them. This assertion of their individuality can be problems of the young person in the future.
Bickering Nature: Squabbling is a natural offshoot of stress and hormonal changes who know a young person. Your teen can start fighting with the younger brothers and sisters, neighbours and friends. One of the major problems of behaviour among adolescent girls that you may face is an increase in violence in your adolescent and the resulting problems of adolescence as the complaints from school, neighbours and other brothers and sisters.
Social change: adolescent behavior problems may also occur distance increased from parents and friends of the parents. Most adolescents exhibit aversion to any social gathering, and refuse to accompany their parents to family get together. Many adolescents also refuses to join a party thrown by their parents at home. Lack of social skills is one of the major problems of adolescence that most parents face.
The "resolution Teenage Problems" book not only provides various symptoms of these problems but also measure the severity of these problems, so that you can take immediate action. Behavioural problems are perhaps the most common forms of problems in adolescents who face all parents. However, proper communication and the display of unchallenged support can help your teen to navigate in this state of confusion and emerge at the other end as responsible and confident adult.
The author is an executive marketing successfully in the business of large consumer goods and of a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride over the past two years and recorded his family on the disaster while working on his techniques successfully in parenting. It is specialized in the Councils of the parents. You can access free report "New Style" parental or buy his book "The Teenage problems resolution" on http://www.teenageproblems.newparentingstyle.com or check your "Parent Stress intensity Quotient"on http://www.stressmanagement.newparentingstyle.com. "."
"Teen curfews are made to be broken." That is what a group of teens told me when I posed this question to them: "What do you think about teen curfews?" So I pushed the inquiry a little more and asked them "What do you think your parents are thinking when you show up pass curfew? At this point, one feisty teen looked at me and said "My parents are over protective, and they need to realize that I'm older now." I knew that I had to pose the question in a way that these teens understood, so I knew I had to try a different approach.
So I asked the teens "What would you think if your best friend asked you to meet them at the mall at 6 pm, and 30 minutes later they were a no show"? They told me they would be worried, and that they would start to think something bad happened to them. I told them that worry is the one of the emotions that their own parents go though when their teens arrive after curfew. One of the teens told me that they never thought about it "that way".
And that where the problem lies, parents are failing in the ways to communicate with their teens. Teens rebel, its their nature, so when parents "command" that they be home at a certain time, what goes through a teens mind is "they can't tell me what to do, I'm almost grown." What parents have to learn is how to communicate with teens in words that they will respond to. Instead of telling a teen to be home by a certain time, parents should tell teens to be home by a certain time but if they are a few minutes late, to call so the parents will not worry.
A lot of parents will disagree with this and say that they will not tolerate their teen being 5 minutes late past their curfew, but this is where the battle starts: no flexibility. Not being flexible will lead to a lot of heated fighting, and arguing. Parents have to be willing to give up, and let go some of their parenting duties. Their little tweens are growing up. Parents will be thought of as confidants rather than someone to rebel against if they are flexible with their teens. Teen curfews are not made to be broken, they are made so parents won't worry. Learn how to make your teen see the difference.
Although it seems like you have come to a dead end regarding your teen, and your looking for ways to counter their disruptive behavior. Visit teenangermanagement.info for more news and articles [http://www.teenangermanagement.info/wordpress].
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured"...Mark Twain
Marcus A. Leverett is a proud father and mentor to three lovely teenagers. He loves to read and write, is an avid cat lover, and a devoted Tennessee Titan fan.
Many if not all of us wish there was a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and a magic bullet for all the other things that plague our lives, acne being one of them. There is no magic bullet to cure all acne but there are 4 tips that should be part of any teenage acne treatment. Habits exist that will make acne worse and there are a number of falsehoods in regards to acne.
Having clear skin or as close to it as possible is important since it is well documented that acne can lead a person into depression and even suicidal thoughts. People spend a lot of money for clear skin and although I could argue that there is unnecessary vanity in some of this I will admit that having acne, as a youth was not easy and even today when I get a pimple it is not pleasant. It is particularly hard for a teenager and so lets look at the best teenage acne treatment.
So if we simplify the treating of teenage acne by focusing on these four main points.
1. Squeeze Pimples - This is a habit that is very detrimental to the skin and needs to be avoided. When a pimple or a blackhead is squeezed the pus can be pushed deeper into the skin and even into adjacent segments of the epidermis and in bad cases even the dermis layer of the skin. This squeezing pimples will also result in a larger cavity and lead to the terrible scarring of the skin. The pus if not properly cleaned from the skin can also infect other parts of the skin and cause the acne to spread.
2. Hormones - Hormones do cause acne and is often the culprit for the first signs of acne in young people going through puberty as their bodies undergo tremendous hormonal changes. There are lifestyle habits that can affect hormone levels and if a person takes the time to understand these and incorporate the practices into their life they can often greatly reduce the occurrence of acne. The only food items related to acne are dairy products such as milk, cheeses, ice cream and yogurt. The hormones in the dairy products stimulate the acne breakouts. Currently there is no connection between acne and any other food items like chocolate, pizza or even potato chips. The greatest cause besides puberty is stress since stress increases the levels of hormones in the body. Therefore, any practice that increases stress could be said to be secondarily related to causing acne and pimples. These lifestyle practices include rest, water intake, the consumption of sweets and oils, faulty thinking habits, lack of exercise, getting pure air and being outside and getting sunlight.
3. Treatment - If the case of acne is bad enough that as much as 20% of the skin is covered the person should see a dermatologist who will most likely prescribe one of the medications for Acne. The numerous acne treatment systems available for sale and some are proven to help young men and women with the frequency and severity of pimples but take caution that you don't waste your money on something that does not work. Don't rush, make sure that you find the product that is well known to work.
4. Hygiene - Poor hygiene will not create acne and pimples but if the skin is dirty it can clog the pores and will result in blackheads. It is important to not scrub acne since it can spread the pus and infection to other parts of the skin. Be careful in your selection of soap since most soap leaves a film on the skin. Cleansing your face is best to do with warm water and just your hands so there is no hard scrubbing.
This may seem to simple but being able to can change your day to day habits and your thinking patterns will likely be the work of a lifetime. The number one thing you need to do for teenage acne treatment is learn how to control your stress and second is to eliminate dairy products from your diet as much as possible. If you accomplish these two tasks you have made two significant choices that will reduce the occurrence and severity of acne and pimples.
Is your teenager mouthy, disrespectful, argumentative, and just plain unpleasant to be around?
If you're like many parents, the picture you held of parenthood included very little of what later turned into reality. Who could have imagined that the sweetest little girl or boy ever born would turn into a monster by the time he or she reached their teens?
The times we live in certainly don't make parenting any easier, but learning to set limits from the beginning will. Here are a few tips I have picked up along the way that may be helpful.
1. Spend lots of time with your kids.
Having children, like marriage, is something that should not be entered into lightly. If you don't have time to invest in a child, think about waiting until later to have one. Unless you make your spouse and your children your top priority, you are asking for problems ahead.
2. Don't expect your children to know things they haven't been taught.
A new baby knows only what you choose to teach him. Most of us are only too anxious to teach our children to walk, to eat, and to use the potty chair, but when these tasks are accomplished, we often neglect to teach them things like being kind, telling the truth, showing respect, etc.
Teaching involves more than just telling a child something. "We told him not to lie," we say, but did we model truthful behavior in front of him? Did we point out instances of lying, disrespect, bullying, and rudeness by others, and talk to them about better ways that person could have behaved; or did we just wait until our child did it themselves and punish them for it?
Spend time picking out and reading books that illustrate the traits you want your children to adopt and that show the consequences of not behaving in acceptable ways. Take time to reinforce the lessons in these stories by discussing them as you are reading, and by referring to them later.
3. Screen who and what your child is exposed to.
If the kids next door are rude, mean, foul-mouthed, etc., you have every right to limit your kids exposure to them. Tell the visitors what is expected when they are in your home and, if they continue to behave poorly, send them home.
I once worked for a woman who refused to talk to her kids about anything she deemed controversial---things like religion, politics, drugs, and abortion, because she thought they should make up their own minds about such things after they grew up.
Her idea might have some merit. The problem is that kids will be influenced by what they do hear and see along the way to adulthood. If you don't exercise some control over that, your child may end up following a path that is harmful not only to themselves but also to others. Failing to teach your children good values ranks right up there with child abuse in my opinion.
4. Have some family rules that are set in stone.
Every family is different. You may think that kids should be allowed to date at 12 while other parents would shudder at the thought, and insist that 16 is the minimum age for dating.
The point is, decide what the rules are in your family, and post them or make a family booklet containing the rules. Yours might read something like this.
a. Our family members will support every other member of the family.
b. Every family member will keep his or her own room clean.
c. We do not yell in our home. (Unless the house is on fire.)
d. We will be polite to each other at all times.
e. We will meet together once a month/week to discuss any problems.
f. No TV or Computer games until ALL homework is done.
g. Whining will get you nowhere-except sent to your room.
h. No dating on school nights.
i. Curfew is____ p.m. on date nights.
Your list may be a lot different and a lot longer, but there should be a list. That way, there is no excuse for arguing over something that has already been decided. If your family attends church, put that on your list so that when the time comes, (and it will) that a child would rather do something with a friend than go to church, you can point to the list and tell him that this family goes to church. Period. (But he can invite his friend to come along if he likes.)
5. Don't hesitate to get outside help if your kids do get out of control.
Schools usually have counselors that are willing to meet with both the teen and his or her parents in order to resolve a problem.
Having someone the teen respects talk to him about his behavior. A pastor, Sunday school teacher, grandpa, grandma, aunt, uncle, family friend, etc. are all possibilities. Teens are often more willing to take advice from someone other than their parents. Don't take it personally if your child talks to others more than he talks to you. After all, don't we as adults frequently unload our problems on a friend?
Read about what other parents have done in similar situations to see if you can implement some of their solutions in your own home. Check out Amazon or Barnes and Noble for e-books on the subject.
Finally, consider professional help. If that sounds too expensive, look for a counselor that will adjust his or her fee to your income. Doing nothing while hoping the situation will improve is often worse than no solution at all.
If you already have a rebellious teen, don't despair. Many of today's fine young adults, (and older ones, too) were once rebellious teens. They managed to overcome whatever was responsible for their irresponsible behavior, and your teen can, too.
It has been one of those weird weeks in my house, one of those weeks when a particular theme just keeps on coming up, challenging your parenting skills and pickling your brain in the process. In my case, it was the dreaded curse of Talking With Your Kids About Tricky Subjects. Busy Husband and I should qualify for some kind of UN grant or at least a doctorate in Delicate Diplomacy after running this emotional gauntlet that saw us chatting pseudo-casually about serious illness and death, puberty and gun crime - and that was only Monday morning. By Friday, we had added sex, insecure friends and what happens in a courtroom to the list. And it wasn't only the Tweenager with a questioning streak: it must have been catching as Goldilocks was also keen to know the answers to some troublesome topics. They ranged from the deeply philosophical 'Are cows ticklish?' to the more heartbreakingly serious 'Will my friends come to live in England, too?' Busy Husband and I blamed this new-found, slightly maniacal curiosity on our impending move and silently pleaded for it to stop. Our forced smiles through gritted teeth were beginning to make our cheeks ache and we were constantly persecuted by the worry that our explanations to some of the world's trickiest questions had actually managed to scare and scar our kids for life in the space of a week. What was next? Gay bishops? Or the biggie: Is Santa Real?
Well, Question Time At The Newhouses seems to have finished for this series but it really forced me to think on my feet and I saw with blinding clarity that so much of parenting is about forward planning, not to mention damage limitation. Not only would it have been handy to have actually realised that my kids were 'at that age' when they actually want to know more about the world than simply how to find Cyprus on a map, it would also have helped if I knew my own position on so many of the questions asked of me this past week. Nothing focuses your attention like an eight-year-old with no inhibitions wanting to know why a man killed 32 other young people with a gun, or what happens when you get your period. Erring on the side of calm, cautious pragmatism is obvious but when the shock of seeing your baby grow up in front of your eyes combines with sticky questions at inopportune moments (the birds and the bees in the supermarket, anyone?), it's a brave woman who can look her daughter in the eye and answer with anything but a muttered 'Not here.'
I remember my parents' divorce, when I was seven. I particularly remember that no one ever talked to me about it very much and my (few) questions were brushed aside and avoided, in pain as much as anything else. Now, as a happily married parent, the idea of explaining divorce sends chills down my spine and makes chatting about my granny's recent stroke seem like a doddle in comparison. My childhood experiences have also cemented one thing in my mind: be honest, even if it makes you squirm. However, when the Tweenager's eyes glazed over as I waxed lyrical about the importance of team spirit, I also understood that there is such a thing as too much honesty and too much information. So much of doing the tricky stuff with kids is about knowing, quite frankly, when to shut up. My daughter didn't want a tutorial in coeducational group dynamics, she just wanted to chat about being friends with more than one person at a time.
So, how much should you share with your inquisitive child? Even more scary, how much does your child actually know about the world around them? And how much do they know, that you don't know they know (erm, you get my point)? In our house, the news is often on, we leave the newspaper lying around and we chat openly about what's going on in the world and in our lives, good and bad. But, after this week, I began to wonder whether I have in fact been irresponsible in exposing my children to so much information. Don't get me wrong, we don't have post-dinner discussion groups over coffee and mints ('Brad and Angelina and the concepts of cross-cultural adoptive processes - discuss'), but I also don't pretend that 'bad' or uncomfortable stuff doesn't happen. Kids are exposed to disturbing and overwhelming events at an ever-younger age and I would argue that a parent surely wants their child to be as prepared as possible? But that's the problem isn't it, fellow parents: by hiding the cruel truth about the world from our children, we are only delaying our own pain, aren't we? Our kids want the world to be a safe and predictable place and the fact that we have to take away a tiny bit of their innocence by explaining that the opposite is in fact true far, far outweighs any discomfort we might have about explaining what a condom is for...
How to Talk the Talk
Start Early
Kids are exposed to graphic information early. They might not be mature but they are aware.
Do It Yourself
Your kids won't always come to you. Use everyday events to initiate conversations.
..Even about Sex
Yup, it's awkward but you've still got to do it!
Create a Safe Environment
Make sure your kids feel safe to express themselves.
What Are Your Values?
You don't need to preach, just add your moral position to the all-important facts.
Listen to Your Child
Only this way will you gauge their level of understanding.
Try to be Honest
Honesty builds trust and will help negate their own fanciful, potentially frightening explanations.
Be Patient
Give them the opportunity to ask and ask and ask.
Talk About it Again. And Again.
Don't be afraid to revisit a topic. It's a good way of assessing how much they took in first time round.
Nikki is a freelance writer whose work is regularly commissioned by and published in a variety of international magazines and newspapers. As a mother of three young daughters, her writing often focuses on parenting and lifestyle issues but, secretly, Nikki also has a 'proper' job, as an expert writer on overseas real estate investment. She acts as a consultant to agents and developers, identifying and marketing key emerging markets. She is currently collaborating with Property Club International. See more at [http://propertyclubinternational.net]
The Magic Pill. Isn't that what we want as parents and employers. We are seeking the solution to the challenges we have with raising our children and supervising our employees. I have just the answer. It is quit simple but grossly overlooked and even more difficult to perfect the art. It is the Power of Asking the Question.
As parents we are quick to give advice, reprimand, scold or make suggestions. As employers we are quick to bark commands, give ultimatums, demand quotas or impose warnings. None of these work... otherwise we wouldn't be frustrated, right? The Power of Asking the Question is truly the answer. I have seen miracles in my coaching by changing the paradigm from solving disagreements with confrontation and rebuttal. It goes on and on and two things happen. First, the problem or conflict escalates and takes the process to a more damaging conclusion. And second, the real issue is never discussed because neither party knows what it is.
I have witnessed a harmless conversation escalate where accusations are thrown in one direction and denial and cross-accusations are thrown back. Does any one really like being attacked or accused of something? Then why do parents and employers give themselves permission to confront our youth. No wonder they don't tell the truth. No wonder they don't come talk to us when they have a problem or recognize an error that they made. According to the Josephson Institute in California, 92% of our young adults have confessed that they have lied to their parents in the last year. Furthermore, a study reported that when 1,000 teens were asked, "who would you like to go to with a problem?", almost all of them reported "my parents". But when asked, "who do you go to?" almost all of them reported, "anybody BUT my parents". What does that tell us? It screams of their desire to be honest, to approach us with a problem but they don't feel safe. As a parent, ask yourself how many times has your teen confessed to making a bad decision and you took the position of trying to understand their pain rather than dominate the conversation with suggestions, disappointment, or reprimands? You have just closed the door the next time they consider confiding in you or telling you the truth.
Learning comes from self-discovery. An infant needs to take the bruises when they learn to walk. Our adolescents need to take the same bruises only the stakes are higher. Nothing we can do or say can replace their own self-discovery. One way of doing that is ASKING QUESTIONS. When you are barking back and forth with each other, there is no opportunity for the truth to surface. Taking a defensive posture will rarely open the door to awareness. Consequently, taking a position that creates a defensive response does not move either party towards awareness and conflict resolution. Asking questions and giving time for a response will. When a question is tossed over to our Millennials to consider, they are forced to reflect and respond. One does not need to be a psychic or an intuit to pull the truth from within. I rarely accept, "I don't know". I will ask, "if you did know, what would it be?" And remarkably there is always an answer. We are doing our youth a disservice if we don't empower them to take responsibility for their decisions. We strengthen those muscles when we exercise them by asking them questions.
Whether it is in the office or in the home, I have seen miracles by asking questions. A fallback method, a default mechanism to overcoming ALL obstacles is asking questions. Can you recall a challenging conversation that took a twist and you discovered that what appeared to be the issue wasn't the underlying problem. Like an iceberg, only a small percentage of our conscious awareness is above the surface. Lying below is a darkness that hides the truth. By asking the questions you dig deeper and deeper, exposing more and more layers of the onion, until you discover the truth. Again, with my coaching I have launched into a coaching session on a specific topic and find the core of the problem is entirely different. I recall my wife coming home from a hard day at work and venting on this and that and frustrated beyond measure. After time passed, I would ask, "and what is really bothering you?" After pausing, she would share something entirely different. You will learn that until you peel back the layers of the onion by asking questions you can argue and argue for hours, for months, for years and never scratch the surface. In fact you never come close to resolving the conflict because you never tackled it in the first place.
The solution is simple, developing the skill is difficult. Recognition of it is first. In a workshop, I rescued a parent and teen from strangling each other when they bantered back and forth with no resolve. I replaced the mother in the exercise and simply asked questions, only questions. After ten minutes or so, the teen changed before our eyes. Her resentment and anger dissolved. Her willingness to seek alternative solutions surfaced. Her smile returned to her face. I then asked the attendees to identify what was different. No one noticed. I finally resorted to spoon feeding the answer: I asked, "what is the percentage of questions that I asked to the percentage of statements I made?" The answers were mixed. 50/50. 60/40. 20/80. They were all surprised to learn that they witnessed, without their awareness, that I asked questions 100% of the time and made no suggestions or comments. Sometimes the easiest things to see are the most difficult to change. If you don't see them, they are impossible to change.
Practice asking questions. Consider the following:
Go get your coat./Do you think you will need your coat?
That was stupid. /How could you have done that differently?
I want you home at midnight./Is it unreasonable to ask that you be home by midnight?
I've told you this a million times. /Have we already agreed to this?
I don't trust you./Can you understand why I struggle with trusting you?
You are breaking the rules. /Are you aware you are breaking the rules?
Can you feel the difference on the "energy" of the two statements? Do you recognize
how one sounds combative and the other sounds supportive with a kinder approach? Do
you see how this could make a difference in communicating with your millennial? Do
you acknowledge you are going to have to really work at asking questions? Do you see
the merits in doing so? Did you notice this paragraph consists of 100% questions?
I didn't think you would notice. I mean, "Isn't it great you caught on so quickly?"
Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute. Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity. He can be reached at mark@karmainstitute.org or at http://www.karmainstitute.org
Sure, just about every parent will eventually hear the words "I hate you." Especially when you don't let them have their way! Usually, if communication is otherwise good, you can just ride the storm out. When the emotions have run their course, you will often hear the words "I'm sorry, mom, I didn't really mean it." Happiness is restored. But this article is about poor communication that develops over months or years. Here are a few thoughts and a possible solution.
I was talking to a business colleague the other day about successful parenting. She said: "make sure you start early." Wise words. If you have a good relationship with your child when he or she is small; and if you have an understanding heart, you are off to a good start.
If you continue to be there for your child (instead of abandoning your child to daycare, preschool, or some ambitious or scary school environment), you will avoid a whole bunch of potential problems. If you are vigilant about such things too much television, too many video games, and too much socializing--chances are that big issues will never even develop.
Once your child has conformed to the peer group and pop culture; once he or she looks for support and reassurance from them instead of you, you will begin to lose the natural authority you once had.
Peers, celebrities, educators, boyfriends, and so on become their authorities. Your child learns to be a smart aleck, to take drugs, to have sex, to tease, and to conform to the pop culture with them. And so they become the gods and authorities of your child. Your child will look to them for approval and assurance for what they have made of her. Once this has happened, should you try to intervene, you will be seen as the enemy, as mean, as interfering.
I am not saying that good communication can't be restored. Communication begins to improve when a parent who--through suffering and soul searching--begins to wake up to see his or her own selfishness, and takes responsibility for what has gone wrong instead of blaming the child. When the parent is genuinely sorry and desirous to be a good parent from now on--I am not saying that things can't be turned around. Proper order and a good relationship can be restored, and that would be good.
But restoring a good relationship is very difficult, and may not happen, if the child is already a teen or young adult, or if a divorce has happened and the child lives with someone else. But even here, love is a very powerful force. And when a parent has a sincere change of heart, the child (who is psychically bonded to the parent) will sense it, even if a thousand miles away. Something good can begin to happen, working within the heart.
The problems begin when many parents turn their children over to strangers and to too much socializing when they are young. Often most of the day is literally spent with strangers, while mom is off at work. Even when everyone is home, kids are watching television, playing video games, social networking on the computer, text messaging, or talking on the cell phone.
The parent becomes a non-factor. The parent usually tries to take charge by being mean or bossy, leading to the usual conformity or rebellion. This does not work. All it does is drive them further away, or produce apathy, fear, or resentful conformity.
If such a parent does not become a feared and hated tyrant, she becomes the opposite: not respected and not payed attention to. The parent tries punishing. When nothing works, she loses patience and turns the child over to more strangers and Godless authorities.
Years of neglect, impatience, errors and so on lead to a lot of guilt. It would be good if this guilt led to a crisis of repentance, where the build up of conflict with conscience leads to a capitulation to conscience, catharsis and resolution. When a parent's heart softens, love begins to flow. And love is a very powerful thing. In other words, when you are coming from the right place, whatever you say or do will have love in it.
But just when real soul searching might occur, the parent often hardens her heart, refuses to admit she is wrong, and with the help of friends, saves face and protects her ego. Of course, it is a natural human tendency to not want to admit we are wrong. But self righteousness and blame destroy relationships.
We don't like to admit wrong to anyone, even to our God-given conscience. So we deny what conscience is wordlessly trying to tell us (just as we deny what our children are trying to tell us when they cry or act out--seeking to make us aware of our lack of understanding).
However, conditions eventually develop that cannot be denied. The parent may then do a complete about face: become too nice and too easy going, perhaps giving in totally to every demand. All to save face and try to make up for guilt.
Some parents will often rush after their kids, chasing them all the way to the rehab house or the jail, seeking to rescue them so that they can get rid of the guilt for having driven their kids to the streets and drugs.
So I must again say that there is no substitute for understanding. Just remember how you felt when you stood before some angry authority trying to explain something, and they would not listen. Where is the love? Where is the understanding?
The good news is: love still exists. It is in you right now. You have a wordless way of knowing, in the light of intuition which is from God. Right now it wordlessly and silently testifies to the truth of what I have said. The same light that is in me is in you. All you have to do is soften your pride and embrace (instead of rejecting) the conscience that loves you.
Yes, your conscience makes you feel bad (when you see, for example, your own impatience, selfishness or resentment). It makes you feel bad when you see how your meddling and manipulations have made everything worse. But the pain is only temporary.
On the other side of admitting your wrong and being sorry is peace and a new lease on life. When you begin to live intuitively, love and understanding will enter everything you do.
For God's sake, don't be the heartless bureaucrat to your own children. Let your heart soften, and then your children will see the face of love. If you don't, then they will go out in the world looking for love in all the wrong places.
Roland Trujillo MS, PhD, educator and author, is Director of the Center For Common Sense Counseling and host of the popular radio advice show. Roland offers solutions and tools for common sense parenting, dealing with stress, and improving family relationships. Roland will soon celebrate 30 years of teaching and 22 years on the air. Roland's secret recipes for parenting success always include a heaping teaspoon of patience and a generous sprinkling of laughter. Find out more by visiting http://commonsenseparenting.blogspot.com. You will find free resources and valuable information. Roland has been helping people for 30 years. Perhaps he can help you too.
If you take a moment to look at what is going on with the angry teenager in your household, you come up against pretty daunting changes which are really testing his limits and yours! There are the bodily changes, hormonal storms, peer pressure, academic stress and a desire to test out new freedoms and become independent at last. There is a great impetus to break away from the irksome parental control which he or she has had to put up with for the last fifteen years or so.
The angry teenager is still seething and erupts at the slightest provocation. The banging of doors, the sullen and sulky silences and an overall unwillingness to even talk to you, the bewildered parent. Here are some suggestions to help you and him to get out of the wilderness.
Strangely enough, the first thing that parents should try to do is to open the lines of communication although that may seem difficult when doors are being slammed. However there will be calmer moments and that is a great chance to let them talk and tell you a few things. All we have to do is just listen. That will make a nice change from lecturing, nagging and warning!
I know some parents who always advocate a cooling off period and winding down time as soon as they get home which applies to everybody in the family. There is no talking or arguing or any discussion at all for at least half an hour.
That gives the angry teenager and yourself time to change and begin to adjust to coming home again. Other parents I knew were just dreading going home because they knew they would be picked on as soon as they walked in the door.
Once the lines of communication are open you can try and establish what is hurting or frustrating your teen and why he is reacting like this. Talk about how he feels, his reactions and then ask if there are other ways he can deal with this very strong emotion which is understandable but which is creating enormous difficulties within the family unit. Hopefully, that will make him reflect and he may react differently the next time with a calmer reaction.
These are just two or three ways we can approach the angry teenager. The whole set of strategies is set out in a home study course on child behavior modification. The emphasis is on giving the teenager coping skills for life and helping him to be accountable and to take responsibility for all his actions.
As this study at home course will save you hundreds of dollars in consultant's fees, it really does make sense to consider using this when you are faced with defiant and angry kids. I know parents who have followed these strategies and were amazed when they got results that they had never dreamed possible.
Tearing your hair out because of outbursts, defiant and aggressive behavior? Experts now tell us that child behavior modification or simply learning strategies for effective parenting is the best possible way on how to deal with an angry teenager.
Robert Locke has written extensively on parenting and behavior issues for many years. For more child behavior help, visit:- http://problemkidsblog.blogspot.com
Which of the following situations send you on the edge? You ask your child to do something three times, and it is still not listening. Your four years is to complete melt down for something that you see as trivial. You had a long day and your teen won't stop it argue with you. As moms, we all have a meter of patience. The gauge goes top down depending our mood, our personality and our triggers. If there is one thing that moms, they had more than his patience (and time, of course). Just as there are time management skills you can learn, there are also patient management skills.
Examine your expectations.
I know I'm stating a truism, but the children are not adults. They think as adults, which act as adults or even have the same development of the brain in adulthood. In fact, their brain is not fully developed until about the age of 23. The last part of the brain to develop is the part that participates in the rational decision making.
Therefore it makes sense that the expectations we have of our children must be the appropriate age and appropriate situation. Expect a child to always remember its duties or other articles which belong to him is unrealistic. Many adults have a problem to forget things. If you know a two years old and mainly of adolescence is to assert their independence, then it can be useful to place the anger and strong wills in perspective. Sometimes we lose our patience as we expect our children to behave in a way that they are simply unable. Take the time to examine the situation and try to put you in the shoes of your child. How can it feel? What is important for your child at the moment? How his view would be different from yours?
Do not take things personally
Children are like us. imperfect. And they will do things that are apparently made to us. Your child could you stare to the bottom and attitude say "no". He could not listen to the your words of wisdom because that he would instead of things its own way. Your daughter pourrait not even pregnant, even though she knows how much it will hurt you. Some bad behavior of the child can be intentional and some may be unintentional, but none of this is personal.
As soon as we become personally attached to the behavior of our children, we start with their behavior as a measure of our relevance as a MOM. If they behave well, we're a great MOM. If our children were, we have failed somewhat. These feelings of failure evoke an emotional response in us which can cause us to lose our patience. Instead of being involved emotionally in disobedience of the child, the practice as a curious observer. This is an excellent opportunity to learn more about your child and yourself. Your child may need to learn some new skills and may have to look at changing some of your own behaviour. We are all creatures normally and we learn how all control life. Taking the misconduct child personally step will be to find a solution to the problem.
Adjust your Style of parenting
I do not think there is that one size all style of parenting. Each child and each situation is different, and learn to be flexible and open on what works and what is not can make a huge difference in the management of our patience. For example, if you have a strong child will, authoritarian parenting style is probably not very effective. Being too strict and controlling with a child tenacious fort will create struggles of power that your patience will be able to manage. This style of parenting, however, can work with a passive child.
Just as each child has a different personality, each situation must be treated independently. If you are in the middle of which intensifies, examine your approach. What is you are doing right now help or an obstacle to the situation? Be prepared to adjust your approach to help diffuse the situation. There are always alternatives to lose our patience.
Develop a coherent strategy of Discipline
Most of the time when we lose our patience, it is because we waited too long for our children of discipline. If we think that on the behaviors of child that grid on our nerves, we usually think of behaviour such as geindre, whims, arguing, do not listen and speak disrespectful. All these and more are behaviours which need a coherent strategy of discipline.
If you know your child has a problem with arguing, reviewing your own trend support, put a plan in place to handle this question each time that it is up. For example, if your child begins to argue with you, patiently him remember that arguing is not permitted and if it continues it will be sent to his room. If it continues, send him to his room. If you regularly, it will eventually learn what are the limits. Proactive and address the bad behavior immediately, you can save the regret that you feel when you lose your patience.
Take a Timeout Mommy
Even moms can use a timeout. There are two ways to take advantage of this strategy. First, take a timeout in a situation of emotional charge. It is normal to abscond if you start to lose your patience. You think that your child is winning the battle if you walk, but the opposite is true. Your child wins the battle when you lose control of your emotions. Some battles are not worth fighting and a few battles need a timeout. You can always go back when you have dialed.
The second way to use timeout is to take regular time to engage in self-care. Most often, moms lose their patience when they are tired and worn. Know your limits and when it is time to take a timeout for MOM. Go walking, have lunch with an inspiring friend, spend time in prayer and meditation or yourself laughing ridicule in a funny film. Do whatever refuels and refreshes you. You will then return to the maternity with a whole new perspective and a healthy reserve of patience.
Patience is not something we are born with that. It is a skill that is developed with time and practice. With the right approach and the right attitude, we can all learn patience. What is the gift hidden to learn to be more patient? Our children model our behaviour.
Lori Radun, CEC is a professional speaker for moms and a certified life coach. To receive the 2 free reports "5 tips to maximize your time" and "155 things moms can do to raise major children", visit its Web site at http://www.momnificent.com
When we judge by the statistics, it is estimated that about 100,000 people kill themselves a year in the USA. Of this number only 30,000 are reported as suicides. Of these 30,000 people, 2000 are in their teenage years.
First, the most important fact of suicide: Even if a person does die by suicide, that doesn't mean he chose it. If he knew he could have his life back without so much pain, he would choose life. Suicide victims are not trying to end their life; they are trying to end the pain.
Number one cause of suicide is depression. Depression is not the same thing as the "blues". The blues are normal feelings. Blues pass in a short time, say a couple of weeks. Depression lingers on or comes to pester a person over and over again carrying death.
Depression is a whole body disease affecting thoughts, feelings, behavior, physical health, appearance, and all areas of a person's home, work, school and social life. Yet, depression can be treated successfully just like other illnesses such as diabetes, pneumonia, ulcers, etc. Depression is an illness that surfaces when triggered by a complex combination of genetic, psychological and environmental factors. For its treatment, therapy and very often medication are needed.
Anyone can get depression at any age. If someone is suffering from depression, he is not weak or crazy; although, he may feel like he is going crazy. He does not have a character flaw. Having depression is not his fault. When a person has depression, he cannot talk or think himself out of it. Image via WikipediaSometimes people who are severely depressed and contemplating suicide don't have enough energy to carry it out. As the disease begins to ease up, they may regain some of their energy, but may still have feelings of hopelessness, even though in the outside, they may seem to be calmer. At this time, they may try to kill themselves because they feel they just can't fight it anymore.
If you feel a teen is thinking of suicide, the first thing to do is to be direct. Ask them straight out if they want to kill themselves. They may answer you with a joke, but make sure that they understand you are serious and that they answer you seriously.
Emergency measures if you feel that a person is about to kill himself:
Do not leave the person alone unless you are in danger yourself. Studies show that most people will not harm themselves when they are with someone.
Listen to what the person says. What might seem trivial to you can be overwhelming to the person in pain.
Be the link to get help.
If you're a teen yourself call your parents, their parents, another trusted adult, or better yet 911.
If you are an adult, call the parents or any other help available.
For suicide to happen three conditions are necessary:
1. Intense and excruciating psychological pain
2. Wish to die being greater and more persistent than the will to live
3. An available self-injury method
Parents, family members, and friends should not panic, but they should be on the alert when they hear certain statements, especially when they are told in clusters, bits and pieces, and a little too often. These following statements may be the indication of depression as a disease:
"I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel like crying a lot. I feel so alone. I feel so helpless.
I don't have fun anymore. Sometimes I feel I can't go on living. I don't want to go out with friends anymore. I feel "different" from everyone else.
I don't really feel sad, just "empty". I feel like I'm in a fog.
I don't have any confidence in myself. I don't like myself.
I smile, but inside, I'm miserable.
I feel scared a lot of the time, but I don't know why.
I feel mad a lot, like I could just explode. I'm always getting into trouble. Sometimes I do things that are dangerous or that could hurt me. I use alcohol or drugs to escape or to mask feelings.
I don't feel like talking--I just don't have anything to say.
I'm so restless and jittery. I just can't sit still.
I can't concentrate. I have a hard time remembering. I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to "work".
I feel so disorganized, like my head is spinning.
I feel so self-conscious. I don't want to make decisions; it's too much work.
I'm so tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I don't feel like taking care of my appearance or myself. My whole body feels slowed down; my speech, my walk, my movements.
Occasionally, my heart will pound very hard; I can't catch my breath; I feel tingly; my vision seems strange; and I feel like I might pass out. This passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again. (This statement points to panic attacks.)
I'm frustrated with everything and everybody. I feel my life has no direction.
I have trouble falling asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.
I don't feel like eating anymore. I feel I could eat all the time. I've gained or lost a significant amount of weight.
I have headaches, stomachaches, backaches, and/or pain in my arms and legs. I feel dizzy a lot.
My vision seems blurred or slow at times. Nothing I do makes me feel better."
Signs of Trouble:
Abrupt changes in personality
Giving away possessions
Previous suicide attempt
Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Change in eating pattern - significant weight loss or gain
Change in sleeping pattern - insomnia or oversleeping
Unwillingness or inability to communicate
Extreme or extended boredom
Being careless and accident prone
Unusual sadness, discouragement or loneliness.
Talk of wanting to die - the words mostly used are: ending it all, end, finish, stop
Neglect of academic work and/or personal appearance
Family disruptions - divorce, trauma, losing loved one
Running away from home or truancy from school
Rebelliousness - reckless behavior
Withdrawal from people/activities they love
Confusion - inability to concentrate
Chronic pain, panic or anxiety
Perfectionism or restlessness
Life Events That Could Trigger Suicide:
Major loss...of a loved one
Other major losses like a home, car, pet, prized possession
A trauma, or loss of a relationship
Divorce in the family
Problems with school or the law
Breakup of a romance
Unexpected pregnancy
A stressful family life (Having abusive parents, parents who are depressed or are substance abusers, or a family history of suicide)
Loss of security or fear of authority, peers, group or gang members
Stress due to new situations; college or relocating to a new community
Failing in school or failing to pass an important test
A serious illness or injury to oneself
Seriously injuring another person or causing another person's death, maybe in a car accident
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The following are the guidelines given by the Yellow Ribbon organization.
To Help a Suicidal Teenager:
Deal with your own feelings first. The idea of young people wanting to kill themselves is difficult for adults to grasp. The first reaction is often shock or denial. Trust your feelings when you think someone may be suicidal. A second reaction might be efforts to argue, minimize, to discount the young person's feelings of despair. Remember that most young people who contemplate or attempt suicide are not intent on dying. Rather, at the moment, the pain of living is more unbearable than the fear of dying.
1. Listen, don't lecture. What the young person really needs in this crisis period is someone who will listen to what is being said. Try to understand from the teenager's viewpoint.
2. Accept what is said and treat it seriously. Do not judge. Do not offer platitudes.
3. Ask directly if the individual is thinking of suicide. If the teenager has not been thinking of suicide, he or she will tell you. If the young person has been thinking of it, your asking allows the opportunity to bring it out in the open. Isolation and the feeling that there is no one to talk to compounds suicidal thinking. You will not cause someone to commit suicide by asking them if they are suicidal.
4. Talk openly and freely and try to determine whether the person has a plan for suicide. The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk.
5. Try to focus on the problem. Point out that depression causes people to see only the negatives in their lives and to be temporarily unable to see the positives. Elicit from the person's past and present positive aspects which are being ignored.
6. Help the young person to increase his/her perception of alternatives to suicide. Look at what the young person hopes to accomplish by suicide and generate alternative ways to reaching the same goals. Help determine what needs to be done or changed.
7. Help the person recall how they used to cope. Get the person to talk about a past problem and how it was resolved. What coping skills did he or she use?
8. Evaluate the resources available and help identify the resources needed to improve things. The individual may have both inner psychological resources and outer resources in the community that can be strengthened. If they are absent the problem is much more serious. Your continuing observation and support are vital.
9. Do not be misled by the teenager's comments that he/she is past the emotional crisis. The person might feel initial relief after talking of suicide, but the same thinking could recur later.
10. Act respectfully. Do arrange with the person to be back in contact within a few hours. Offer yourself as a caring and concerned listener until professional assistance has been obtained.
11. Do not avoid asking for assistance and consultation. Call upon whomever is needed, depending upon the severity of the case. Do not try to handle everything alone. Go to the child's guidance counselor, principal, parents, minister, etc. Seek out referrals from hotlines, etc. Convey an attitude of firmness and composure so that the person will feel that something appropriate and realistic is being done.
Parents who are concerned that their teenager is very self absorbed are not alone in their concerns or worry. The reason for such noticeable self absorption in teenagers is related to their developmental stage. Feeling as though the world revolves around them is part of the normal developmental process for teenagers. It does not mean that it won't drive you crazy and cause you to be worried, but what it does mean is that your teenager is not doing anything out of the ordinary if they are presenting as self absorbed.
Some of the more obvious forms of self absorption parents may notice in their teens are the following:
1. They will not admit they are wrong and do not want your valuable advice: parents will often notice their teens struggling or making significant mistakes, yet they will not admit it and will not allow themselves to be helped by others. Often times they would rather pretend things are fine or argue with you that they are fine than to tell you they need help.
2. They will defend friends you do not approve of just to prove you wrong: this can be really frustrating for parents. Teens will often defend their friend's behaviors to you as though they were their own behaviors. Teenagers want to feel that they have good judgment and will often not fully see all aspects of a situation for fear of being wrong or of being judged. In addition, teens want to have control and choosing their friends is an area where teens want to maintain full control.
3. They will not see how their behavior impacts others: this can be very upsetting to parents. I have heard parents express fears that their teen will not be a good person or will end up hurting others because they cannot see how their actions impact others. It is good to keep in mind that this is a normal phase of adolescence and that most teens grow out of this way of thinking.
4. They cannot understand that they cannot always get what they want, when they want it: this is directly related to teens wanting immediate gratification in addition to them viewing their needs as more important than the needs of others. So...even with you rationally explaining why you don't have money to get them a new video game because there are household bills to pay, they may still not appear to understand. This can be really infuriating to parents who are trying to teach their children the importance of budgeting. In addition, they may not understand why you cannot drop everything you are doing at a particular moment to drive them to their friend's house. This is equally as frustrating because it leaves parents feeling unappreciated and undervalued.
5. They do not want to participate in family events or holidays anymore: this is generally very hurtful and stressful for parents who place a lot of value on family. I have seen parents so hurt at the thought that their teenager would rather be with friends or in their room on the computer than participating in a family dinner, birthday party or holiday. This is related to teens seeing their friends as the most important people in their lives and being fearful of missing out on something with a friend if they take time to participate in a family related function.
The good news is that these behaviors are the result their current phase of development and that most teens grow out of such behaviors. The bad news is that this phase can be extremely frustrating for parents in the moment. Some suggestions which can help parents manage such apparent self absorption:
1. Remember it is a phase and will pass - just keeping this in mind can help parents see it as a normal part of growing up which can make it a little less stressful.
2. Don't take things personally - generally teens are not doing anything to be intentionally hurtful -they are just self absorbed and cannot see how they are impacting others. They are doing what feels best for them in the moment and are not intentionally doing anything to make others feel worse.
3. Pick your battles - if you try to address everything about your teenager that you find troublesome you will likely be engaged in a constant argument with them. Rather, figure out which things are most important (Thanksgiving dinner versus a summer cookout with the family) and stress those with your teen while acknowledging their interest in doing other things. This can also help teach them the art of compromise.
4. Set clear limits and stick with them - this is especially helpful for situations where you teen wants what they want, when they want it. If you are clear about how much they have for allowance or what you will and will not do in terms of providing them transportation AND you stick to what you say you will do, they will be less likely to continue to bring it up or try to get you to give in to them.
5. Know that they will hear your advice and follow your role modeling - even if they will not admit to it...they do listen to what you have to say (at least some of the time!) and they do observe your actions. Being a positive, consistent role model plays an important part in shaping your teenager as they move into adulthood.
For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com] or email Karen@elite-life-coaching.com.
My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.
I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.
In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:
• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting
• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern
• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively
• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens
• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years
Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775
