Argue With Your Teenager

What a pleasure to meet a respectful child! Raising a respectful child is one of the three Rs (responsibility, respect, and resiliency) that are part of a parent's job description.

"No, my do it. Get away." That's normal for a three-year-old to say. But it's disrespectful for a thirteen-year-old to say, "I don't have to do that if I don't want to."

A child can disrespect herself: "I'm so stupid" or "Nobody wants to eat lunch with me at school; I guess I'll just need to eat by myself."

Respect is a learned behavior, and the learning curve is full of obstacles. We'll look at three in particular: (1) it's a human tendency to look out for oneself first and ignore another person's needs; (2) it's tough to encourage a child's independence and at the same time look out for another person's needs; and (3) it's easy for children to handle mistakes too harshly and disrespect themselves. Let's briefly cover how to deal with these roadblocks.

Looking out for oneself first. If you don't think this is a human tendency, spend an hour with a toddler. If children don't progress past this attitude, respect for others will not develop. But don't skip validating your child's needs and feelings as you teach respect for others. Telling your child he should be disappointed or mad when a teacher's been mean is essential. After that, the second step works better: teaching your child how to deal respectfully with his teacher.

When your thirteen-year-old argues, take the time to hear her point, support parts or all of what she says, and sometimes change your mind-in favor of what your child says. Most parents skip step one (supporting a child's feelings) and go directly to step two: teaching respectful behavior. Don't make that mistake.

Balancing independence with looking out for other people's needs. Alex yells at the principal, saying it's not fair that he got an after-school suspension when his friends did the same thing and got off scot-free. That's independent thinking, but the comments are disrespectful. Alex's parents have done a good job helping Alex to know and respect his needs, but the delivery needs some work. How to balance independence and respect for others is a tough skill to teach, but it can be done with enough practice.

Handling mistakes too harshly. As a teenager, Erin spends too much time doing perfect homework and sometimes does not try activities because she can't do them perfectly. Four-year-old Taylor has a temper tantrum every time he can't find a puzzle piece or can't get a Lego piece to fit right. These children have learned that mistakes make them feel bad about themselves, rather than using mistakes to learn and improve.

Parents need to decrease this excessive internal harshness by focusing on and supporting the child's feelings that are causing the problem. Let's say Erin tells her parents she doesn't want to disappoint them by getting Bs or Cs. Now the parents know the source of the pressure and can reduce the grade expectation. Don't expect this internal harshness to go away overnight, however. It'll take several weeks to see the results of this approach of feelings first, correcting behavior second.

Here's the take-home lesson: Establish your child's self-respect, and teaching respect for others will be a lot easier.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love, in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids.

Visit his website for more information (media section included): http://unleashingparentallove.com/

One of the most challenging phases of parenting can be when your child becomes a teenager. Some parents breeze through, but most of us encounter some degree of difficulty. Here is a list of 7 ways you can minimize the disrespect and start to re-connect with your teenage son or daughter.

1. Do not let yourself be swayed by the "but everyone else is doing it" line. You know what is best for your son or daughter and the hostility they feel towards you for putting your foot down will soon pass and they will thank you later.

2. Make yourself emotionally and physically available despite your teen wanting distance from you. They're on the fence. Part of them is leaving the nest and the other part of them needs the safety and security of home.

3. Respect their personal space. It is not your right as a parent to randomly snoop through your teen's room. They do not become more trustworthy by hearing we don't trust them. If you have no reason to snoop don't do it.

4. Do not allow rude and disrespectful behaviour. If you respond to their putdowns and backtalk, you're allowing it. Learn to walk away or say things like: "If you continue to talk to me that way, you'll be grounded (or lose your cell phone privileges)."

5. Show an interest in the things that interest them. Grab any chance you get, just to chat. That can often happen in the car when you're chauffeuring them places. They still need to know their life is important to us.

6. If there are clothes or electronic items they want that exceed your budget, make them pay a portion of the cost. They will appreciate what they have much more and will less likely grow up with a sense of entitlement.

7. Make sure you set clear and consistent boundaries. Kids of all ages do well when the guidelines are clear. Even if they argue with your rules, stick to them anyway. Part of the role of teenagers is to oppose their parents.

Barbara Desmarais is a parenting and life coach and has been working with parents for over 20 years. To get more tips and insights on parenting visit her website at http://www.theparentingcoach.com Claim your fr*ee copy of her popular e-book "Raise Your Children But Not Your Voice" when you sign up for her monthly parenting ezine.

The most important value you will ever teach your children is: to respect their parents. And since you cannot pass anything on that you don't incorporate yourself, you will have to start by first respecting your children. If they don't feel treated like a human being, worthy of respect and love, deserving of your attention, then their cooperation will be in short supply.

First, you show them respect. Second, you teach them to respect you.

So how to go about this in practice? What to do if your children complain about the food, insult you because you're picking them up from the gym 10 minutes too late, or if they don't want to clean up their own mess?

Let's have a look at these situations one by one:

1. Are the kids complaining about the food? Do you hear a "bwerk" when they see what's in the casserole? Well, you are no fool, are you? You just spent one hour in the kitchen preparing that meal. Before cooking, you spent one hour at the grocery store buying the food. Before that, you spent many hours on the job, earning the money to pay for that food. So you now start asking yourself, "Did I not give enough of myself for this meal?" Yes, you did! You do not owe it to them to prepare a warm meal every day. But you do owe it to yourself to get some respect from those for whom you make all these efforts. Enough is enough! You did your part of the deal, now it's up to them. Teach your children to say "thank you" for every meal. If they have no "thank you" on offer but only muster a "bwerk," then you are not making dinner for at least two days! Soon they'll be begging you for a warm dinner, and God knows they will be very grateful when they finally get one on the third day! Never continue delivering a service that is not appreciated. You'd be a fool to do that! How does it feel to be toiling away behind the stove, all the while fearing your efforts and goodwill won't be appreciated? This is no way to live! If they appreciate neither your efforts nor your cooking, then make them go without for 2 or 3 days, and see what happens.

2. Are the kids insulting you just because you're ten minutes late when picking them up from the gym? Then stop picking them up from the gym for a few times! Make it clear to them that they have to appreciate your effort of taking them and picking them up. Don't start an argument with them, for that doesn't work. Don't keep explaining time and time again that they should respect you, but rather show them by taking action. If they are unable to see the difference between the important facts (you are there to pick them up) and the unimportant facts (being ten minutes too late), then let them feel the difference. Next time around, simply don't take them to the gym, so they will become aware of the difference and learn to appreciate what you are doing for them. Don't settle for being treated like a slave. You are worthy of respect! Show them what it means to be a person who respects himself. Respect yourself and others will respect you.

3. Are the kids complaining that "there is nothing to eat" in the house, while the kitchen cupboards are bulging with food? What they mean, of course, is that THEIR favorite food is not available in large enough a quantity. Do your kids have this kind of complaints? Okay, here's what you do: stop going to the grocery store for a while. That way the kids will have to first finish all the food in the fridge and in the cupboards (or go do some household shopping themselves, also an enlightening exercise). This also makes for an economical cleaning up of all those half-finished packs of crackers, biscuits, cheese, and the like. Then comes the next phase where there really is "nothing" left in the cupboards. Now is the time to go to the grocery store, and you can bet on it that they will appreciate the new arrivals! They will feel like there's "so much to eat," while in fact there's less food than when they were complaining there was "nothing to eat."

4. Are the kids putting tons of ketchup on their food, continuously ignoring your warnings to be more economical and eat healthier? Stop arguing about it, for that doesn't work. Instead, stop buying ketchup all the time! For example, buy one bottle of ketchup per month and clearly tell your children that they'll have to do with this one bottle for the whole month. When the bottle is done, it's done, till next month comes around. If necessary, buy a bottle for each child and label it. That way your children will learn to regulate their "ketchup behavior."

5. Are the kids ignoring your orders to put their shoes in the designated place? Do they go on leaving their shoes all around the house? Tell them this will be the last warning, and that from now on, any shoes found scattered around will be "launched" into the back yard. And then, stick to your promise! I had to do this once with my sun's basketball shoes: I launched them outside. As it happened, that night it was raining cats and dogs. The next morning he cried, "What do I do now? My shoes are all wet!" I said to him, "Sun, this is your problem." Believe me, I had to do this only once! Once your children know that you will do as you say, then you won't have to do it. They will respect your word!

6. Are your children's rooms a mess? You want the mess to be cleaned up? Don't do it yourself! Your teenagers should clean up their own mess! So instead of arguing about it, tell them that they have to clean up their room before dinner on Saturday. That way you are giving them plenty of freedom to chose their own timing. Come Saturday evening dinnertime, go check if the room is tidy. If not, then there is no dinner for that child. After all, this was the deal: room to be cleaned BEFORE dinner. They can still clean their room right there and then, and have dinner when they're done, but as long as the room is not clean there is no dinner. You could also say, "You clean your room and after that you can go out with your friends." Be consistent and do as you say.

This is where many parents stumble when dealing with their children: they argue too much. They go on explaining the same thing dozens of times. Do you really think the kids didn't understand what you were saying? If you have said something two times, then that's enough. After the second time, you should ACT and not TALK.

Don't argue with them! Never argue with a child. You are the parent, you are the one who decides. You can negotiate with your child, but don't feel you need to explain yourself. Kids have much more energy than you do, and sooner or later you will give up (or give in) because your energy is spent while theirs is not. They know that and they will win the battle! Don't get tempted to go into endless discussions with your child. Learn to act after the second warning. Be consistent! That's the only way to get respect.

Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist. My goal is to help you achieve success and happiness. Accomplish your mission on earth and love yourself. Two free e-courses at http://www.theenthusiasm.com