Argue With Your Teenager

The latest issue of Scientific American Mind has a great article about the teen brain, challenging many of our current thoughts about our young adolescents. Many recent studies support the notion that teenagers' brains are somehow inept at dealing with challenges in the same way as adults, and that this underlies their often reckless behavior. I have written posts in the past summarizing some of this work.

The Myth of the Teen Brain

In his article, The Myth of the Teen Brain, Robert Epstein makes a compelling argument that the majority of these previous studies are all wet. Epstein is a psychologist who has studied this issue for many years, across hundreds of cultures.

He cites one study of 186 pre-industrial societies in which teens spend most of their time with adults and have few of the problem behaviors that we Americans associate with adolescence. In fact, the majority of these societies don't even have a word for adolescence - teens are not distinguished from adults.

The Battle between Hormones and Culture

Treating teens like adults makes a lot of sense from a biological perspective. Like it or not, teens are of reproductive age. If they lived a few hundred years ago, they would likely be parenting children of their own. If their brains were really 'programmed' for recklessness then it's unlikely that the human race would have survived. It is only the rules of our society that have made teen parenthood abnormal. This is, of course, not to condone teen pregnancy but to realize that the problem stems from man-made cultural issues, not from nature-made biological ones.

The Consequences of Restricting Behavior

Another statistic that Epstein points out is that American teens have 10 times as many restrictions as adults and twice as many restrictions as incarcerated felons! He points out that prior to 1800 there were really no laws restricting teen behavior; by 1900 there were about 20; and by the year 2000, there were over 140 laws defining what teens can and cannot do.

This, Epstein argues, is the real problem. He claims that we artificially extend teens childhood by treating them like children. We are also placing them in situations where they primarily only socialize with each other - when we should be socializing them to be adults.

He claims that all of the previous studies showing that teens' brains are 'inferior' to adults' brains is because the behaviors we impose on them make their brains different - and not that their brain differences cause their behaviors.

Anyone that went to college with someone who was a raised in a restricted environment knows how rebellious they can be. At the risk of offending readers, my Catholic School friends were the wildest kids around. Too strict or restrictive of an up-bringing pushes many teens to go hard the other way. Dr. Epstein suggests that our over-restrictive society may be behind tragedies like Littleton and Virginia Tech.

The question then, is 'Are all the restrictions on teens necessary in today's society or have we gone too far?' Do all the rules make matters better or worse?

Protection or Exposure?

Many Europeans laugh at us Americans for our protective attitudes, especially around alcohol and sex. We think little of exposing teens to violence on TV and in video games, but we cringe at letting them see a sex scene. What's worse, growing up to have sex or shooting someone?

Also in Europe, teens are exposed to alcohol for a couple of years before legally learning to drive. They don't have the taboo associated with a glass of beer or wine and don't have as many problems associated with alcohol abuse. In America, we make sure that they already have their car keys in hand when they go out for their first legal drinking binge. Seems a little backward to me.

Lighten Up?

There are good arguments on both sides of the debate. As parents, we need to take a hard look at the rules we impose on our own teens. Of course, we need to stay within the laws of our country. But we can ask ourselves if all our household rules are for their own long-term good. Do our rules protect them at the expense of delaying their abilities to become independent and think for themselves? Will you feel comfortable with your teen's ability to handle adversity when they step out of the protection of your home? Maybe if we stop treating them like children they will stop acting like them.

Copyright (c) 2007 The Brain Code LLC

Train your Brain for total Brain Fitness. The Brain Code is the key to unlock your maximum potential. Dr. Simon Evans puts together the right ingredients in right amount to create the recipe for success. Visit us at http://www.thebraincode.com

Have you tried exhaustively to regain control of your out-of-control teen? Does it seem like the harder you try, the more your kid acts-out.

Do you find that your child seems to be in charge (the tail wagging the dog)?

Does he have an "attitude" ALL the time?

Is he resentful about something and holds a grudge?

Are you worried about your kid:

* Having unprotected sex?

* Hanging with the wrong crowd?

* Experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

Has your teen:

* Lied to you?

* Stolen?

* Skipped school?

* Destroyed property?

* Run away?

* Had legal problems?

* Refused to follow your rules

Does this sound familiar? "I've tried everything under the sun with my kid -- but nothing works!" "I have taken him to a counselor, but nothing much has changed."

Or, have you been hesitating to seek counseling because you want to try everything else first? Well, there IS an alternative that you probably have not tried or even heard of; the use of a proven self-help program!

Self-therapy kits (STKs) are now available for parents like you, who want a fix that is scientific, tested, within your control and implemented in your own home! However, there are many types of STKs available.

How do you know which one to choose? Check the brochure CAREFULLY.

Select an STK that teaches advanced parenting strategies that are scientifically proven. Also, pick one that is designed to work immediately, rather than months or years down the road.

Look for one that includes proven easy-to-understand techniques that are NEW and NOT run-of-the-mill! Forget those that contain the re-hashed content that you've been reading about forever.

After all, conventional techniques don't work with unconventional teenagers.

> Does your child...

* have a bad temper

* argue with you and others

* refuse to obey your rules

* defy you

* blame others for his misbehavior?

> Is he:

* touchy and easily annoyed

* angry, resentful?

If so, hundreds of STKs are available! But pick one that is state-of-the-art, guaranteed and risk-free. After all, you already have more than enough problems! You don't need any more.

Counseling doesn't work because your teen doesn't want it, so he won't talk. However, you don't need to go through another year of torture with a rebellious, foul-mouthed kid.

Review several STK brochures, but only test those that have been designed by someone who has years of experience. You can get programs in DVD, audio, video, CD, workbook and e-book formats.

Select one that is composed of several formats; you will learn faster.

If possible, get one which includes...

...Live audio of a parent-teen curriculum in action.

...Power Point Presentations, a manual, audio and perhaps videos about your kid's specific issues.

...A regularly updated website.

....A Parent Forum -- so that you can get quick support and advice from others who are facing the same difficulties.

...A newsletter which provides a continuing stream of the latest parenting resources

..On-the-spot access to an expert via phone, email, or chat room who you can contact for help.

...Last, but not least, a 100% Money Back Guarantee, (which you are unlikely to get from ANY counselor, anywhere)!

Consumer FAQs:

Q: Should I use a self-therapy kit (STK) before consulting a therapist?

A: I think its best to start with the kit. After all, after successfully completing it, you may not need counseling or medication.

Q: What if I want to consult a counselor anyway? Can I use the kit as well?

A: Using an STK while engaging in treatment will likely boost both the speed and quality of your recovery exponentially!

Q: Where do I find STKs?

A: On the internet. Search for "self-help" "self-improvement," "anxiety, depression self-help." Study the brochures and make sure the content is cutting-edge and that there is an unconditional guarantee.

Q: What about the guarantee?

A: Be sure there is an unconditional guarantee. Just follow the simple directions to claim it. Its easy and fast.

Q: What are the credentials of those who author these kits?

A: They are designed by both mental health professionals and first-rate non-professional experts who have personal experience in solving the problem for themselves; after all, there is no better testimonial than ones own personal success!

The key: Read any brochure carefully to be certain that its contents will boost the quality and shorten the time of your recovery.

ONLY select an STK that is guaranteed and is subject to a full refund. Happily, there is no need to be at your "wit's end" any longer.

After selecting an STK with the above characteristics, the problems in your home should be dramatically reduced. When using an STK, you will become elated at how easy it is to use parenting strategies that really work!

Test-out a well-designed parent-teen STK now, before it is too late!

Dr Shery earned his doctorate in counseling at the University of Southern Calif. He is a practicing psychotherapist and an author with over 30 years experience; he provides groundbreaking Self-Therapy Kits that he uses with his own patients. They are absolutely guaranteed to eliminate anxiety, anger and agitation; if not satisfied, you get an unconditional refund. Learn more about these New Self-Therapy Kits

Now that Ritalin and other psychostimulants are getting a somewhat bad press in that there is a link with sudden death in ADHD children taking these drugs, attention is being turned to other ways of changing or transforming kids' behavior. Whether your child has ADHD or not, behavior is going to be an issue. I know that many parents are now realising that pills will not teach skills or behavior and that is where the problem has to be tackled - right there in the heart of the home.

Kids' behavior can be problematic in that acting out, temper tantrums, lack of focus and defiant and oppositional behavior all come to the surface and the parent just does not know where to turn. In the case of ADHD, some of these problems can become even more acute. All the experts are now agreed that behavior therapy is really the best way to go. This should be the first treatment option rather than one that should be tried further down the line when parents are at their wits' end.

Some parents want to try family therapy which is fine except that will put too much emphasis on the child's feelings and self esteem rather the actual behavior which is causing all the problems. Behavior therapy takes a different approach and it will certainly involve the child and or teenager in a very different way. When you follow such a course, you can learn how to stop all the arguing and shouting. Instead you will learn ways to deal with each scenario and also even what to say to your child and how to talk to him after a meltdown or temper tantrum. The whole emphasis is on the child learning new behaviors and ways we can reinforce that through a system of rewards.

Who is in control in your house? Learning a few simple strategies form a behavior therapy course can transform your kids' behavior and you can begin to enjoy family life again. Many parents are besieged by their kids' problem behavior and walk on eggshells around them. Instead of screaming, shouting and banging doors, learn some effective techniques which will restore calm and happiness to your home.

Let a consultant child psychiatrist with over twenty years experience teach you how to have more fun and less stress when dealing with kids behavior.

Visit:- http://problemkidsblog.blogspot.com for more parenting advice. Robert Locke has written extensively on parenting for many years.

"My teenagers are driving me crazy! I love them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but I just don't like being around them right now. I can't get them to stop fighting with each other...arguing with me...disobeying...being disrespectful. I'm going to lose it if something doesn't break soon."
Sound familiar?
If you're at this stage in your parenting, you probably feel absolutely hopeless. Your teenagers are running the show, and it's going to take commitment and resolve to get the power back-but it's vital, for their sake and yours!
Fact is, you're the parent.
You love your kids - it's part of the reason this is so exasperating and exhausting. You want things to be different, and you believe they could be. You know your kids would be much happier if they got on board with your expectations, but you just can't seem to find the way.
There are ways to achieve that, but first you need to realize that your teenagers are in crisis right now. They've been floundering without a lot of structure, and, probably with a lot of yelling and/or anger. So, before you can make behavioral expectations of them, you need to set behavioral guidelines for yourself. There are five rules for you to implement before you take the steps to reach your teens. Before you argue that it's impossible for you to behave well in the face of the way they treat you and each other-but if you can't do it, how can you expect them to?
Here are the difficult but basic rules you need to follow consistently:
Teenagers Promo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• No yelling at them-they probably don't hear what you say when you yell anyway.
  
• No arguing with them - you're the parent, you don't have to defend yourself or convince them.
  
• Smile and say kind things more than you say negative things. Teens are a product of what they perceive your expectations of them are. If they believe you expect them to act like monsters, they will. Empower them to behave well.
  
• Apologize when you mess up.
  
• Tell them you love them every single day.

Once you've made progress toward implementing those rules, you're ready to tackle the problems with the Six Steps toward reclaiming the power in your home.
1. Strip them of everything. This isn't the time to start with lectures like, "The next time this happens, there will be a consequence." I'm guessing you've been down that road. Now it's time to send each them back to their birthday, and let them work their way to the life of comfort and leisure they want, but don't deserve. Again, this is not cold-hearted. This is vital for the health and happiness of the whole family and so that these teenagers will grown into well-rounded, self-sufficient, respectful adults. That includes things like:

designer clothes
makeup
music
iPods
cell phone
television
sports
activities
etc...everything non-essential to life

2. Put it in writing. Make a list of the non-negotiable behaviors you demand from them. Short of meeting those requirements, they will receive only what's required by law: food, shelter, education. Anything else must be earned back. Slowly. If it's not in writing, it's open to interpretation. Then later, when they push back and want to argue about your expectations, don't reiterate them, tell them to do their own research, and read your list.
3. Require outreach. Get them involved in helping someone or volunteering somewhere that has nothing to do with benefiting them in any way. Let them see how rough some people have it. Once a week, or once a month will go a long way.
4. Get help! It's very important that, during this time, you seek the help of a spiritual leader like a pastor or youth leader who can help drive the point home. These efforts must be intentionally supported outside your home in order for them to have the greatest impact. A school counselor is good...but you really need and want the spiritual connection, too.
5. Don't rush the process. They shouldn't feel that treating people with kindness and respect deserves an iPod. What we're talking about here are the basic behaviors all human beings should extend toward each other. So let the process go on for a while so it really makes an impact. At a certain point, you'll know when it's been long enough-when the changes have taken root in the heart and aren't just on the surface.
6. Pray. Are you praying for your kids every single day? Are you talking to them about what's bothering them or making life challenging for them? Be sure to let them know how much you love them and let them see and hear you pray for them.







Blessings,
Nicole O'Dell, Choose NOW Ministries
...battling peer pressure by tackling the tough issues
Nicole O'Dell, founder of Choose NOW Ministries is a youth culture expert, who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life's tough choices. She is the author of a bunch of YA books, including the popular Scenarios for Girls interactive fiction series and the upcoming Diamond Estates Series, 2011-2012. Non-fiction for teens includes Girl Talk, 2/1/12, which she wrote with her two daughters based on their popular blog column by the same name, and O'Dell's desire to bridge the gap between parents and teens is evident in her adult non-fiction like the upcoming Hot Buttons series.
The host of Teen Talk Radio where "It's all about choices!", Nicole dives in on topics like peer pressure, dating, purity, drugs, alcohol, modesty, popularity, decisions about the future, and many other things that might come up along the way. Over the years, Nicole has worked as a youth director, a Bible study leader for women and teens, and a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. She lives in Illinois with her husband, Wil and her six wonderful kids--including a set of toddler triplets.

If you are the parent of a teenager, I am sure your patience has been tested more than once. In addition, if you are the parent of a rebellious teen, your job is probably even more trying. So what can you do as a parent, to really help a difficult teen? I think the most important quality you can have is to be unrelenting. Do not ever give up on them, on helping them, standing by them, or on parenting them. If you do, who else will they have?
As parents, our job is to love our children unconditionally as we guide them through childhood and into adulthood. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those difficult days...the days when we are exhausted, frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not infinite. There is always an end. Be unrelenting.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life, pursue them and show attentiveness in what interests them. Attend any events they may have, or accept and participate in any of their leisurely activities that you can. For instance, if you have a child who likes to ride skateboards, go and watch them at the skate park, get to know their friends, maybe attend a professional event with them, like the Dew Tour. Whatever it is they are currently passionate about, get interested in too. Also, be sure to let your teen know that you will always be there for them and that you are always available to listen.
Another part of being relentless is choosing to never give up. No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to learn more, to seek answers, to find the help you need. Nobody is born knowing all there is to being a parent. Therefore, learning is going to be a part of the process. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.



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If you're a parent, you will experience it: the screaming child; the insolent teenager; the temper tantrum; the silent treatment, the "look". That cute little girl has just thrown her orange drink across the back seat of your car; that adorable little boy has grown up and insists on slamming the door and cranking up the music when it's time for homework. What do you do? Experts will tell you to look at them and love them anyhow. But face it, in these moments all you want to do is get through it without losing your mind or your temper. It is precisely during these trying tests that the practice of meditation will come to your aid.

One of the benefits of meditation is that you allow time to see things just as they are. During meditation you keep your mind quiet but often images or thoughts will pop up. When that happens, you simply see the image, think the thought, and then let it go. You learn to see it without placing any judgment; see it without trying to resolve it; see it without responding. Once you let it go, you return to your meditation and clear your mind.

How does this help? Ideally, you will practice meditation consistently so that you can increase your brain muscle. Athletes practice daily so that their response to a certain circumstance will be automatic. That free throw or that ballet routine will be executed without thinking. This same concept transfers to meditation and training your brain.

When that highly intense situation surfaces, you will be better equipped to see what is really happening with your child. You learn to be more mindful of your child's moods and triggers. You allow yourself to empathize or sympathize with what they are going through. How you see things will affect what action you decide to take.

That little girl that threw the drink may simply be over-tired; that teenager with the loud music may just need a few minutes after school to blow off some steam before diving into homework.

When you see the situation for what it really is, rather than reacting and creating a more explosive situation, a few things can result. The situation can be contained more quickly because the child doesn't have to defend or argue. Plus, by handling the situation with a bit of perspective rather than reacting in anger, you build trust with your child. They come to know that even when they are behaving badly you will still love them. Also, you are allowing your child to respond to whatever is bothering them.

This doesn't mean that you let your child's moods run your life. Quite the opposite. You can allow your child to express their anger and frustration, just as you would allow them to express their joy and happiness; however, you preserve the relationship and trust so you can teach them what is and is not acceptable behavior.

When my daughter was little, she had what I called "meltdowns". One moment she was laughing and the next she was screaming and crying. It was confusing and frustrating for both of us. After a while, I noticed that she needed to eat something at least every three hours - some carrots, a glass of milk, just something small. Once I figured this out, I kept some sort of snack in my purse. However, this was not enough. It would not have been fair to her if I was the only one aware of this trigger to her mood change. I had to empower her with knowledge so that she could understand what was going on. Also, I let her know that even though it was okay for her to feel the way that she was feeling, it was not okay for her to express those confusing feelings with negative behavior.

The transformation didn't happen overnight, but the breakthrough was incredible to witness. She was having a meltdown. I got down on my knees and looked into her face as she sobbed and told me what was wrong which went something like this: "My shoes are blue and I want them to be black and my pony tail is crooked and the sun isn't shining and..." Then it happened as she continued, "and I'm just hungry and need to eat!"

Breakthrough! From that point forward she was able to recognize that a certain feeling meant that she needed to get something to eat.

I won't kid you, all negative behavior didn't stop - after all she was only about 4 years old; but, there was no more negative behavior that was caused by some sort of low blood sugar.

With the power of meditation, you can train your brain to look closely at what is really happening with your child. Often there is an unrelated reason for negative behavior. You can better connect with your child and then more easily help them with whatever they really need at the moment. Learn more about how you can get your brain in shape, keep your sanity and focus by going to: http://benefitsandpowerofmeditation.blogspot.com

Dawn Damico has been called the Research Diva in her professional writing career. She is also the mother of two grown children who continue to amaze her each day!