Argue With Your Teenager

I've been a high school teacher for three years, a junior high teacher for two, and now I am back to high school for my sixth year of teaching.

I've heard it over and over again: "Never argue with a teenager."

It's been handed down like gospel truth. But I don't think it's as simple as that.

As a school teacher, I DO like the idea that you need to figure out how to pick your battles and which things you can let go. One of the biggest problems that teachers and parents have is that they have expectations of being in control of 100% of their teens' actions.

I have learned that despite all of my education and all of my skills, NO ONE CAN BE IN CONTROL OF 100% OF WHAT TEENAGERS DO.

That being said, I try to pick and choose my battles. Some issues I let go immediately, and some things are worthwhile to me to talk, or argue, about with teenagers for as long as it takes for me to feel like I've expressed myself.

The recent presidential election brought about an incident with a teenage relative of mine. There was a state proposition that I found to be particularly hateful.

The teenage relative had the same perspective on the presidential candidates that I did, not that I need everyone around me to agree with all of my ideas in life.

When it was announced that the proposition had passed, I and a lot of other family and friends in the room, were a little shocked. The teenager raised his fists in triumph.

I spent the next several minutes explaining why I thought the proposition was wrong, and the teenager engaged me in a debate that bordered on being an argument.

I knew I wasn't going to change his mind, and that wasn't the point. It was an issue that was important to me and I was not willing to let it go. At the end of the conversation, I was no closer to making the relative see my point of view, but I didn't care.

It was an issue that was important to me, and I chose to engage on the topic, knowing that I would not change the teen's mind.

What I did want him to know was that I had an opinion that was contrary to his and it was on an important issue. I wasn't willing to "let it go" because the conversation was going to turn out to be "pointless". I didn't care.

If you're struggling with your relationship with your teen, ask yourself, "What are the little things that I can let go, and what are the things as a parent and a human being that I WON'T EVER look the other way on because they are too important to me?"

Sorry to use a political example (and if you know what proposition I'm writing about and you are on the other side, I would really enjoy having a conversation about the issue and expressing our different points of view in a civil way, what could be more American than that?) but I want you to think about what issues and rules and ideas that have to do with your teen are that important to you.

If you get in the habit of giving up on every discussion because it's "pointless" your teen is never going to get the values and the morals that you are trying to give them to turn them into good people.

So, choose carefully, but when the time is right and you refuse to look the other way, argue away. The "point" is that your teen needs to know what is important to you, whether they agree or not.

© 2009 Bryan Stoops, M.A., ED. - http://www.tameurteen.com

Bryan Stoops is a public high school teacher in southern California. He has been teaching public intermediate/high school for the past six years. Bryan has a master's degree in education from the California State University System, and is almost done with two years of course work on his doctor of education degree at the University of La Verne, one of California's oldest private colleges. Bryan is also a busy husband and father of a toddler. Visit Bryan's site at [http://www.tameurteen.com] for more free articles and to get Bryan's free report on parenting troubled teens.

Even if they are looking for an argument or are being staunch about their request, do not fall into the trap of arguing with your teenager! Things will get out of control if we are not controlling ourselves and our parenting. And at the end of the day, whether we enjoy it or not, we are continually role-modelling good behaviour; the type of behaviour we want our children to emulate, especially later on when THEY become parents.

Ask that their perspective be a reasonable one! That after-all, is what they expect from us. We can not control the thoughts and actions of our troubled teens but we do have the right to expect a reasonable perspective with all our interaction. The skills they will require to develop this, they will learn as we guide and lead them with patience, love and mutual respect.

If their perspective is not reasonable and in fact is actually quite unreasonable, tell them you need time to think about what they have said because now we need to consider OUR perspective.

Do not lose your temper and start yelling when dealing with teenagers because more than likely your teenager is going to end up yelling back at you. Parenting teens requires us to be far more effective and responsible than that!

Look at getting back to them in the morning if communication between you is becoming strained. If we are struggling to control ourselves or if in fact we are actually instigating or encouraging the problem by being aggressive and defiant, it is imperative we remove ourselves from the situation and return when our emotions are under control. I'll even go so far as to say conversations with our teenagers will only get out of control if WE'RE not controlling ourselves.

Teens know how to push our buttons, although be aware that sometimes it's not intentional. Most teens in fact actually NEED us to be good examples and would be the first to be disappointed if we let them down with similar behaviour to their own; as unfair as that sounds! But they'll only push our buttons if we allow that to happen.

Remain calm as adults should do when having a difference of opinion with someone. This is the only way to settle any potentially volatile situation.

Our teens have enough pressure, frustration and communication issues at school and with their peers. Teenage-hood is fraught with stress (at school, with friends), melodrama and some unhealthy habits (poor diet, smoking, drugs and alcohol).

Make home a place where they know how things are and why! It's a place where there's a lot of love, support and rewards. Consistency and lots of fun will help get you through their teenage-hood.

We need to make our teen's life a whole lot better by showing them that we care a great deal about them, and providing a warm, loving respectful home. If we can try hard to minimize the stresses and anxiety in their lives, this will greatly contribute towards alleviating the home of unwanted tension and problems.

The less tension and problems in our teenager's life, the less reason they have to argue, struggle and fight with us. And that's got to be a good thing!

Gail Taitoko is an experienced school teacher of 20years, mother of 5 awesome adult children and currently teaches/manages a youth training programme for early high school leavers. Find some helpful tips on confidently parenting your teens at:

[http://mymonsterteenager.com/salespage.html]

Are you tired of feeling like you do nothing but argue with your teenager? Do you feel like you walk on eggshells or that you always have to be prepared for an argument no matter what you do? Well, you are not alone. Many parents of teenagers with whom I have worked have this same experience. What is interesting is that most teenagers don't like to argue with their parents, they are just so confused and emotional much of the time that arguing becomes the communication style they revert back to - especially with parents. This article will provide tips for parents who are dealing with teens who seem to want to argue about anything and everything.

It is helpful to remember the following things about teenagers:

1. Most teens have not mastered their communication skills so they may come across as rude, accusatory, as not making sense or as unreasonable. A lot of times the problem is that they simply cannot express what they are feeling appropriately. For example, "I hate you" may really mean "I don't like this rule", however, being on the receiving end of "I hate you" is much more difficult to manage as a parent than a teen telling you they just don't like a certain rule.

2. Often teenagers behave as though they are the center of the world and have a hard time seeing the view of others. This is not a product of poor upbringing or a sign that you missed something in your parenting along the way. It is instead a product of the developmental stage of adolescence which includes self-centeredness.

3. Teens like to show off in front of their friends. Often teens will put their parents on the spot or will push limits in front of their friends in an effort to show their friends that they have control over their parents.

4. As I have written about in other articles, teens want to be independent but are often times not really ready for this which scares them. Teens will often resent the need for ongoing parental oversight and limits which they respond to with anger or defiance.

5. Teens sometimes do what they do just to rebel and to make a point that they are independent from their parents.

Tips parents can follow to minimize arguing:

1. Allow everyone to have a fair opportunity to say what they would like to say. Don't just keep talking and repeating the same thing over and over without giving your teenager an opportunity to express their thoughts or how they feel.

2. Do your best not to interrupt when your teen is speaking their mind - this will increase the chances that they will listen while you speak.

3. Let your teenager know that you cannot speak to them when they are yelling and respond effectively when they stop yelling. Praise them during times when they are able to express themselves effectively.

4. Do your best to stick to the point and not bring up the past, other situations or bring others into the conversation unless it directly relates to them.

5. During arguments, never "put down" or make fun of your teenager.

6. Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.

7. Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.

8. Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.

9. Try to use "I" statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, "I get really worried about you when you don't come home for your curfew" instead of "You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew". In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the "I" statement which is less blaming.

10. If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).

11. Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you - this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.

12. Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.

13. Validate your teenager even if you don't agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.

14. Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.

15. Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.

Figuring out teenagers and how to respond to them effectively is a challenge each and every day. As the parent of a teenager it is important that you get support and have balance in your life so that you can respond to your teenager in a way which is effective and which does not increase your own stress and frustration.

© 2008 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [http://elite-life-coaching.com] or email Karen@elite-life-coahing.com.

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775