Argue With Your Teenager

The way we gather and scatter as a Church (in North America, specifically), what we emphasize and what we lean into, is all changing. This isn't the first time; this isn't the last time, and I would argue that this process is normal and it is what we should expect to happen. People who gather and become a local church, bring history, biases, expectations, and uncertainties. People bring their gifts and their needs; they bring their strengths and weaknesses and all of this comes together to build a local church community. Communities can build a system of doing community after a while; it's not that this is always a negative thing, but it can be. Good things left on the counter too long become stale and unpalatable.

Human nature, being what it is, always seems to seek the comfortable leveling point; and that can level a church; it happens all the time. That's why "reformers" sound the call again and again: Church, discover again your Mission.

I am involved as a volunteer leader in working with children in a local church gathering; but I have my eye on what is going on in the larger picture of the Church these days and I am asking myself, what does this mean for children's programs? In the bigger picture of the Church we are re-evaluating all kinds of ideologies and methodologies, is Sunday School on a Sunday morning still relevant? What do I need to be thinking about?

Here are 5 observations about Sunday School in my own context:

1. Sunday School on a church campus is relevant because it still "works."

When it comes to reaching children who don't know Jesus, I think Sunday School on a Sunday morning still "works" because it is still known. Many adults are familiar with Sunday School because they have had some kind of contact with it in the past. As children, they may be been dropped off for a time by a parent; they may have gone once or twice with a friend; churches have always had programs for children and people in the community are usually aware that they do. When children begin to have questions about God, parents who feel these questions are important and don't object to a child learning about God, often turn to the outside source of a Sunday School to help them with answering questions that they might not be able to answer.

If this is true, then I need to keep waving the flag: this is important. The 40 or so Sundays (not counting summer) we have with an often-rotating group of children really matter. Their experience in a Sunday School setting may be their first impression and their last impression (for some time at least) of what Jesus "looks like."

Response:

Are we counting on people finding us or are we as individuals a light in our community, such that people are curious about who and what is relevant to us? Sunday School may be held in a location, but we should not be held to a location. It isn't all about setting a table and hoping children will come. It's about knowing first and inviting them to be a part of something bigger.

2. Sunday School is still relevant because it helps parents.

I don't mean that Sunday School helps parents because they can drop their kids off and get a break from parenting; that is exactly opposite to what I mean. Sunday School partners with parents in translating the truths of the Bible for their children. We don't live in a time when we can assume people know quite a bit about Jesus. We live in a time when people hardly know anything about Jesus. Putting our arms around families and helping them figure out what faith means and what it looks like to walk "the narrow road" is part of the vital mission of Sunday School.

There are other ways to do this through cross-generational ministries, but in the end, quite a bit of it ends up looking a lot like Sunday School.

Response:

Are we actually helping parents? We can if we make that a priority. Sunday School can't just be about feeding kids and sending them home; it has to be, somewhere in there, about helping one another, help one another. Instead of teaching children how to read their Bibles and reflect on it personally, for example, why not have parents join you and learn it all together?

3. Sunday School on a church campus is more relevant than ever because it may feel more like home to children than home.

When are you at home these days? I think there is something in all of us that longs for the ideal of "home" but this ideal is quickly becoming, or maybe it is already, an illusion. I am not sure who is walking through your Sunday School doors, but I am quite certain there are some little broken hearts already.

This struck me quite profoundly one day when a little girl, began to be a part of our Sunday School community. She is 6 and she has never known "home." She has been shifted from one environment to another. She loves coming on Sunday; you would never know she had a care in the world with the smile that is a fixture on her face all morning. She is the first one to come, and the last to leave. Something just whispered to me one day that it's because this feels like home to her.

As representatives of Christ in our neighborhoods, we already need to be an open door for children to see Jesus in action. Sunday School gives children a sense of a wider community of like-minded individuals; an extended family.

Sunday School can't fix everything that is going wrong in a child's world, but we can be something wholesome, loving, consistent, accepting...well, we can be Jesus to a group of kids, once a week.

Response:

Are we thinking enough about the children who walk through our doors, or is it a sea of faces? The child who is continually disruptive; are we wondering what is going on in his head and heart? A home is a place where individuals matter. When one is hurting or wayward, the rest of the family gathers around to help that little lost or hurting one. Are we thinking enough about making children feel at "home"?

4. Sunday School is very relevant today because it is a place where we get to talk about what's important.

Parents and friends who bring children to Sunday School, and the children who come, all know why they are there. We need no disclaimers; we are there to talk about the most important thing we ever can: the redeeming Grace Gift of Jesus Christ; the unquenchable love of our God; the value He has placed on every head and the purpose He has for every life.

Setting aside a time for "Sunday School," resourcing it, supporting it is absolutely still important because it is a support platform for conversations that are already happening during the week. If a child has permission to come, we have permission to teach what is pure, right, lovely, truthful, and noble.

Response:

Time is of the essence! What are we teaching the children we have for one hour? Not everything needs to be taught; think about it. If you have 40 Sundays (that's not counting the summer), how many times will that child actually be at Sunday School? Of those times, what does he/she absolutely need to know? I know there is a whole Bible, but we can't possibly teach everything in it with 40 hours (in an ideal world) a year. So what is it? What do they need to carry with them into the next phase of their life?

Also, while pouring all our best ideas into our lessons, employing all sorts of great creativity, are we losing the actual lesson? Some curriculum being offered is confusing to me. Why are we reading that verse? What does that activity have to do with this? As adults, we may think thematically, but kids aren't always great with symbols. They need to be told and told again, clearly, memorably, the "thing" we believe they need to know.

5. Sunday school is relevant because it is an opportunity to shape the Church to come.

If we can help children understand that they are not takers but givers in God's plan; if we can plant seeds that they all have gifts that are meant to be used for a greater purpose; if we can show them that "yes, people will disappoint you sometimes, because we all sin. So be a forgiver, and keep your eyes on Jesus," then maybe they will grow into teens and adults who will be less about consuming and more about finding what they were meant to do on this planet, and doing it.

Response:

For children, learning to serve at an early age sets them up for a healthier mindset in the days to come. Children who think it is perfectly normal to give of their "time, treasure, and talents" grow up to be generous teenagers and more generous adults. Why aren't we placing more emphasis on this. When we have self-serving adults in our church, haven't we created them by putting a spoon to their mouth all along? Children have gifts also; are we tapping into those gifts or do children think they need to wait in order to use them?

I don't think enough attention has been given to this fifth point. Even in our leadership structures, we create schedules for volunteers to plug into and once those are full, it's a free ride for everyone else. The picture we paint is, "It has all been taken care of." We don't work hard enough to foster an environment of participation and responsibility. We quickly fill in holes when there are some, rather than letting the need become an opportunity.

There is a place for hiring staff to help equip volunteer leaders and cover areas that a volunteer, with limited hours to give, can cover. But when it appears that everything is just running smoothly, we again become a service package for people to purchase.

I believe Jesus calls us as adults to clear the way for children to have unhindered access to Him. I believe Sunday Schools still play an important role in this; but we, like the rest of the Church, must ask ourselves if we are actually on Mission, or not. We must make the effort to work "in team" and ask each other good questions about what we are doing week to week.

There may be things we need to stop doing. There may be things we need to start doing. We may be afraid of change; we may think we don't have the people to bring change; we may wonder if we have the gifts and the ability to do a good job of a good Sunday School program; and, given our budget, we may wonder what we can even pull off. If these are the things running through our minds, we are probably on the right track, because in the middle of those questions, that is where God seems to do His best work.

-- Teresa Klassen.

Teresa Klassen is a volunteer children's ministry leader working with a volunteer team in Kelowna, British Columbia. If you are looking for free Sunday school lessons and ideas free Sunday school lessons and ideas, please visit sundayschool-lessons.com

At every stage of development, children thrive when their parents listen to their ideas about what they want even if those ideas are very different from parents' wishes for their children. When you consider and take your child's perspective seriously, you are giving your child a gift of respecting their growing unique individual selves. This doesn't mean you have to agree or say yes, but you do need to express your understanding of what your child wishes. When you are able to consider that your child is not talking back, but may be asserting his developing self, you will be providing your child with the foundation for developing self confidence and self esteem. Differences create much less distance between parent and child when they are acknowledged and respected.

As I was thinking about a number of patients I see in psychotherapy whose parents had trouble distinguishing between talking back and self assertion, I recalled a television show I saw recently. In that show, a six year old sitting at the dinner table with her parents suddenly announced she was a vegetarian. At first, the parents dismissed her claims and tried to insist she eat the meat in front of her. She stubbornly refused. They argued with her a little and then they ultimately respected her wishes. In the next scene the grandparents came to babysit while the parents went out. Grandma brought her granddaughter's favorite meal which contained meat. The child stubbornly refused. Grandpa insisted. The child refused. Grandma insisted, more refusal. Grandpa said "You will sit at this table until you eat your dinner." Was the six year old talking back or asserting herself? The parents' eventual response to their daughter's announcement suggests they might answer that she was asserting herself. The grandparents, who ended up in a power struggle with their grandchild, would probably say she was talking back.

When our children say "no" to us, or when they ask us for things that we are inclined to say "no" to, we respond not only based on what our heads tell us. We have feelings about their differing wishes and perspectives. When our children assert themselves or oppose us in this way, it is useful to ask ourselves "what am I feeling and why am I feeling it?" We can then look at our feeling responses as information that can help guide our behavior. For example, the grandparents in the television show might have been feeling "how hurtful this child is, rejecting this meal that grandma made especially for her." They may have felt disrespected. It isn't unusual for adults to feel that they should be completely in charge of their children. When a parent feels disrespected, he is likely to feel hurt and angry. In such a feeling state, it would seem to make sense to immediately say "NO" to the child's wishes. But if we stop and look at our feelings, we could notice that we are hurt and angry and that we are expressing our feelings in the "NO". If we pay attention to our feelings before we go into action, we could be in a better position to think about what we want to do.

If grandpa could think about his granddaughter's wishes, he might be able to consider that she is trying on her own new way of being in the world. She is communicating "I am an individual who is different from my family." She is testing, "will I be allowed to be separate?" This perspective on the child's behavior is very different than viewing her as simply a talking back, ungrateful, stubborn child. The parents of this child also had negative feelings about the child's desire to be a vegetarian. They said "No" but they reconsidered. If we imagine what they might have been feeling, we could consider that they might have felt opposed and threatened. They are the parents and parents are in charge, aren't they? They might have felt confused by their child taking on such an assertive role and asking for something different from the family's usual behaviors. They may have felt burdened by the idea they would now have to cook a separate meal. Whatever they felt, they obviously thought about their response. Perhaps they recognized their daughter's attempt to become a more separate individuated self.

If we ask the question "what am I feeling when my child asserts herself against my parental opinions and authority?" we can often avoid power struggles and tensions with our children. We can ask ourselves questions like: "What makes what our child wants wrong or disrespectful?" "Are children always supposed to go along with what parents want?" "What is going on with my child that she is responding this way?" "Why is it better for my child to wear my choice of clothes?" "Am I trying to avoid feeling embarrassed by my child?" "Why should I force my child to go to the park, or on a play date or to a party when he doesn't want to go?" "Why should I insist my child go to sleep-away camp even if he says he is scared?"

There are no right and wrong answers to these questions. These questions help us to not simply react. It is the parent's job to determine which of his child's demands the parent should be in charge of. For example, if the child refuses to go to the park and the parent thinks it is best the child be active or have fresh air, the parent may decide this is not a decision that is up to the child. But it is always important when the child says "no" that you get more information. Suppose it turns out that the child who refuses to go to the playground is being bullied by the older kids. If the parent can get the child to tell them this information, it changes the situation. The parent can then find a different playground, or help the child with the bullying or find some other way to address the problem. If the parent talks with the child or tries to discover what the problem is for the child and finds no good reason for the child to stay at home, then the parent says "no". It is most important that the parent, when dealing with their child who is trying to separate and individuate, talk with their child, listen and consider what the child has to say.

As part of every child's normal development, after the infant emerges from the very special

closeness (symbiosis) with mother, the processes of separation and individuation begin. The process of individuation includes the child's exploration and experimentation with who he is and who he is becoming. As early as two or three, children begin to express their "no" emphatically and loudly. This is important in the development of self. For the young child, saying "no" is one of the earliest signs of individuation. It is a statement that I am separate from you and want something different. When the child can say "no" she is preparing her self to say "yes". Saying "yes" is an assertion of the developing self. "Yes" is an announcement of who I am (or who I am becoming) and what I want.

While the Individuation process is typically described as belonging to the early years of development, the process continues well into adulthood. It is often a surprise for the parents of adolescents to find they are dealing with the same issues with their 13 or 16 year old that they faced when their child was two or three. The opposition, the tantrums, the stubbornness of the three year old, frequently returns during the teen years. The fights, the silent anger, the "you just don't get it" feelings that adolescents express, are the continuation of the process of Individuation: the creation of the unique individual self.

Adolescents present parents with the same problems that younger children do as they continue discovering who they are and what they want. But because teenagers need to be given more room to experiment with their selves, parents have a more difficult job of determining where and when to set limits. With adolescents the issue is more complicated. The dilemma is that adolescents need to develop more control over their lives, but they are more at risk with the wide range of possibilities available to them. It is difficult for parents to figure out in what areas teenagers can be given more autonomy over their lives. No one would suggest parents give up limits around things like alcohol and drugs. But what do you do when you don't like your child's friend? How do you respond to curfews, borrowing the car, requests for birth control? If you want to avoid power struggles, you do the best you can to TALK and LISTEN to your adolescent. You also continue the process of examining what you are feeling about your child's demands and requests. For example, is your adolescent's friend making you uncomfortable because he is different from you and your family, or is this friend someone who you know is getting into trouble, sexually promiscuous, or getting into fights? It is always important to know what your feelings are before you figure out how you want to respond to your child. The important thing is to talk with your child and respond with more than a "NO" or "because I said so."

Helping our children to become self confident individuals requires that we talk with our children. We try to listen, hear and consider what our children are saying. This means that parents need to explore what children's "no's" are about. Why is the child saying no? What would the problem be for the child if she said yes? What would the problem be for the parent if he said yes to the child? When you work with your children to try and understand their point of view, they are more likely to be interested in hearing and considering your opinion. This talking will help your children to experience you as interested in them as individuals and they will be less likely to experience your ideas and decisions as arbitrary. This doesn't mean there will always be agreement between parent and child. The same way that couples ideally try and understand each other's points of view and put themselves in the other persons shoes, parents and children, and especially adolescents, have closer and more loving relationships when they develop the capacity to be curious about the other person's experience.

©Copyright 2011 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

I have been a psychotherapist in private practice on the upper west side of Manhattan for over 25 years. I work with older adolescents and with adults individually and in couples therapy and marriage counseling. I work with a wide range of issues including, but not limited to, anxiety, depression, problems about intimacy and developing long-term relationships, separation anxiety, parenting, creative blocks, and family and work conflicts. I specialize in working with young adults who have difficulties transitioning into adulthood and with parents who struggle with the separation and individuation of their children

Although the idea of starting therapy can be scary, it can also be exciting. Therapy is a process of self discovery which can help you create the life and relationships that really work. It is a process where I help you to talk and learn about your thoughts and feelings. As we focus on the issues you bring to therapy, our talks will affect the ways in which you relate to the world and the impact the world has on you.

I don't see therapy as "one size fits all." As I get to know you, the theoretical approach or approaches I take will evolve from our work together. I recognize and respect how different we all are. This means I make a particular effort to work without judgment.

Telephone sessions are available for those people who travel or are not in New York.

You can learn more from my website: http://www.BeverlyAmselPhD.com

Lying is something that comes naturally to children. It is our job as adults and parents learn that it is wrong. This article suggests advice on how to parent and ways to help keep your children to lie.

We searched and searched and cannot find a single adult who never told a lie as a child. In fact we cant' find adults who are now. Is not relevant to parents how thwarted when children have not mastered a virtue, they have not mastered themselves?

We do not make this point to justify a lie, but to show that the children are not defective or immoral. We need to face the child reasons lie until we can help you to renounce their need to lie. Usually children for the same reasons adults lie, they feel trapped, afraid of punishment or rejection, feel threatened or think lying will facilitate things for everyone.

Often lying is a sign of low self-esteem. People think that they need to be better because they do not know that they are quite good as they are.

Suggestions

1 Stop to ask questions of implementation in place that lie to invite. A question of setting is one that you already know the answer. "A clean your room." Instead say: "I noticed that you did not clean your room." "If you want to work on a plan to clean up?"

2 Focus on solutions to the problems instead of blame. "That we should". "to get the tasks" instead of, "did you do your chores."

3 Be honest yourself. Say, "which is not like me the truth." Most of us do not say the truth when we feel trapped, afraid or threatened in any way. Why do launch us some time ago now? Later I will be available if you would like to share with me what is happening for you. »

4 Respect the privacy of your children when they do not want to share with you.

Plan avoid the problems of the future

1 Child support believe that mistakes are opportunities to learn so they will not believe that they are wrong and must cover their mistakes.

2 Set the example by telling the truth. Share with your children time when it was difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided that it was more important to live the consequences and to maintain your sense of self. Be sure it's honest sharing instead of a Conference.

3 Allow children know that they are loved unconditionally. Many children are because they are afraid that the truth will disappoint their parents. Show appreciation. "Thank you for telling the truth." I know it's difficult. I admire the way you are ready to deal only with the consequences and I know you can manipulate and learn from them. »

4 Stop trying to control children. Many children are so they can find who they are and do what they want to do. At the same time, they are trying to please their parents by making them think that they are doing what they are supposed to do.

Child life skills can learn

Children can learn that it is safe to say the truth in their family. Even when they forget that are reminded with gentleness and love. They learn that their parents worry about their fears and false beliefs and will help them overcome.
Parenting pointers

1 Many children lie to protect themselves against the judgment and criticism, because when believe adults say they are bad. Of course, they want to avoid this kind of pain.

2 Remember that your child is now is not that your child will be forever. If your child tells a lie, do respond to the behavior by calling your child a liar.

3 Focus on the establishment of proximity and trust in the relationship rather than on the problem of behaviour. It is generally the fastest way to reduce the behaviour that you find objectionable.

Makeup thoughts

My son was suspended from the school. This is its history, "I found cigarettes in my locker." I don't know how they will y. I am just putting in my Pocket taken key when a teacher took me to the Director. »

My thoughts went crazy for a few minutes. "He is lying about us." I am a failure as a mother. It goes to the ruin of his life. What people think? »

I felt quite upset, so my compass sense let me know that I was caught in my system of thought and that it was not clearly see things. I rejected my compass instead my thoughts for a minute and used thoughts more than argue with my inner wisdom.

"Yes, but it's different." It's really terrible circumstances on which I have no control. That how I can possibly see the differently? I am going to reprimand him severely, "Ground" at least one month, remove all privileges and be informed that he is ruined his life. »

Fortunately, I too had faith in my inner wisdom to the seriousness of these thoughts. I rejected my mad thought and the inspiration of my inner wisdom quickly resurfaced.

I can in the circumstances of a completely different and felt of understanding and compassion for the situation to my son. He entered just junior high school, where the pressure is huge to follow the crowd instead of following common sense.

When I got home I listened my inspiration and know what to do. Sitting with my son, put my arm autour him and said, "I bet it's hard to try to find a way to say no to your friends, you Won't be called a nerd or a party pooper.". He was expecting my usual madness and knew how to react to my mental health.

He tentatively said, "Yeah." I went. "And I bet the only reason that you would never lie to us is that you love us as long as you do not want to disappoint us." His eyes filled with tears, and he gave me a hug.

I responded with tears in my eyes that we had these wonderful feelings of mutual love. I reassured him, "If you think that you could never disappoint us enough to decrease our love, then we do not do a fairly good job you let know how much we love you, without condition.".

We can only guess what the result would have been had I followed my mad interact mind my son thought. My guess is that my insanity would inspired a rebellion instead of increased proximity.

Since 1979, Dr. Jane Nelsen has shown of the more than 2 million parents and educators how to use Positive Discipline at the end of the struggles of power and to build more positive and healthy relationships. She likes to teach effective and practical has been How many of parent.

Family road trips are a great and often inexpensive way to spend vacation time with your children. However, they can also be immensely aggravating for the entire family when your children start to get bored and restless. As an avid road warrior and a parent of three young children, I've been through numerous ups-and-downs while traveling by car. As a result, I've mentally developed a lot of "lessons learned" when it comes to hitting the highway. Here are a few of my tips for helping parents and kids survive - and enjoy - a great road trip.

1. Break up longer trips into small sections. If you can limit your time on the road to 5-6 hours a day, you can save yourself a lot of stress. Getting to your first stop will also give you and your children some time for play and relaxation. Many children can't sit in a car for hours on end, then go straight to bed in a strange hotel room. So try to stop before you are too tired, so that everyone call relax and have fun before bedtime.

2. If you will be stopping for the night before your final destination, pack the bare minimum for a single night in a separate bag from your main luggage. This way, there's less to carry into the hotel, and also less stuff to climb over while you're in your room. When we travel, we pack a pair of pjs and a single change of clothes for each child and minimal toiletries (their toothbrushes are important to remember!) in a duffel bag. It's much easier to deal with for a single overnight hotel stay than bringing in a large bag with our entire wardrobe for the trip.

3. If your children argue over a particular seat (or row of seats in the minivan), set up a schedule in advance so that everyone considers their time in the special seat to be equal and fair to everyone else's time. It can save a lot of arguing over who sits where after each stop you make.

4. If there is more than one adult and extra room in the back, sit with your children for at least part of the trip. They may feel that they don't get enough attention from Mom and Dad if you're both in the front seat, having a conversation that doesn't include them.

5. Stop at rest areas whenever possible, not just for a bathroom break, but also for snacks. If the weather is good, it's also a great chance to let kids stretch their legs and get rid of the restless energy from sitting all day. Bring along a soccer ball or frisbee and let them play near a picnic area for a bit. It helps stretch cramped muscles, relieve stress through recreation, and simply breaks the monotony of being in the car.

6. Cultivate a knowledge of great road trip games. Some examples are finding license plates from every state, looking for all the letters of the alphabet (in order!) on road signs, and looking for fun shapes in clouds. You can find a huge selection of car games for kids by doing a simple online search, and if you add one or two new game ideas to each trip, you'll keep the selection fresh and more exciting for your kids.

7. Make a sing-along CD of the kids' favorite songs, and have a family karaoke-style sing-along as you head down the road. Include age-appropriate CDs made for kids, but try and find some that you can enjoy too. One great line to consider is "Kidz Bop", which features remakes of well-known pop songs with children singing along. We also have made a CD of songs that our family likes to "perform" on the Band Hero video games.

8. Get each child an age-appropriate activity book and pens/pencils/crayons. Coloring books are great for toddlers, older children may like multi-game books, and teenagers often enjoy crossword puzzles or Sudoku (at least, if they're trapped in a car without a phone or game console)! With smaller children, it's a good idea to limit their time with crayons and pencils though; don't let them get so bored that they start drawing on the inside of your car!

9. Get a portable DVD player if your vehicle doesn't already have one. Bring along a few of their favorites, but also pick up a new movie from the store or the local video rental place. Try NetFlix if you travel often; you can keep your selections as long as you want, so you don't have to worry about due dates and overdue fees. You can also check out DVDs from many public libraries for free.

10. Pack low-sugar snacks to keep hunger at bay without causing a sugar rush and the inevitable crash. Small bags of baby carrots, apple slices, or air-popped porpcorn ease a rumbling tummy. Healthy snacks are also important if your children tend to snack when they are bored rather than just hungry.

Susan Petracco is an avid travel deals hunter, parent of three, and frequent family road-warrior.

When parents become involved in divorce proceedings, the emotional impact on their children is usually brutal and long lasting. Parents can reduce the emotional impact on their children, by utilizing the following tips:

1. Attempt reconciliation.

2. If reconciliation is possible, do not hesitate to place the divorce proceedings on hold.

3. If reconciliation is possible, do not let your parents, other family members, or friends, keep you from attempting the same.

4. If reconciliation is not possible, do your best not to delay the divorce proceedings.

5. If reconciliation is not possible, quit having sex with each other, because such activity will only taint any resolution of the various issues when the sex stops.

6. Be honest with yourself, your spouse/ex-spouse, and your children.

7. If you are feeling down/depressed, take an inventory of the good things in your life; place your children first on the list.

8. Suicide is not an option. If you have thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately.

9. If your spouse/ex-spouse is abusing you and/or your children, seek help immediately.

10. Stop trying to figure out why your marriage did not work; after a certain point in time, it becomes counter-productive.

11. If you are experiencing a financial crunch during or after the divorce, do not dwell on it in front of your children; try to obtain a higher paying job, or a second job if necessary.

12. Utilize family counseling and individual counseling for your children and yourself.

13. If you and your spouse/ex-spouse cannot agree on a counselor for your children, you should each select a counselor, and then let such counselors select an independent counselor. The independent counselor should then decide on how the counseling sessions should take place; with parents, without parents, etc.

14. Do not make your divorce a public event; save the "dirt" for discussions with your counselor.

15. Put aside your pain and anger, and focus on the best interests of your children.

16. Make your children feel safe and loved at all times.

17. It is best if both parents, as a couple, inform their children of their decision to obtain a divorce, and that neither parent is at fault.

18. Listen to, and address your children's concerns and feelings; let your children vent. Allow your children to ask questions; in answering your children's questions, do not compromise your spouse/ex-spouse's character, integrity, and reputation.

19. If your children are not interested or ready to talk about the divorce, be patient and wait until they are ready.

20. Explain to your children, as often as necessary, that they are not the cause of the divorce.

21. If your children side with your spouse/ex-spouse, do not hold it against them; try to put yourself in your children's shoes; try to understand your children's concerns/feelings.

22. Do not be reluctant to apologize to your children; apologize as often as necessary.

23. Both parents should inform the children's counselors at school of their decision to divorce.

24. Be alert to signs of distress in your children (aggressiveness, depression, mood swings, loss of self-esteem, poor performance at school, etc.), and immediately attend to such distress and/or seek professional help.

25. Provide your children with emotional support, and do not expect them to replace the emotional support you previously received from your spouse/ex-spouse.

26. Play an active role in your children's school and other activities during and after the divorce proceedings.

27. If one of the parties is keeping the marital home in the property settlement, do your best to keep your children's bedroom sets, and as much of the other furniture, in such home; there is enough other things for your children to adjust to; like both of their parents not being under the same roof.

28. Allow your children to make some decisions with your new home so they feel a part of it; for example, where to place furniture and pictures.

29. Do not look at child support as an obligation, but as something that you want to pay for the benefit of your children.

30. Child support is for your children, do not agree to take a lesser amount to appease your spouse/ex-spouse, or as a result of pride.

31. Do not send your children to your spouse/ex-spouse's home in tattered clothes, or their pajamas, to force your spouse/ex-spouse to purchase additional clothing.

32. Do not have your spouse/ex-spouse served with court papers when you know your children will be present.

33. Be patient. If you have children and you and your spouse have settled all issues, it will take at least 5 months after the Complaint has been filed to obtain a divorce. If you and your spouse are having difficulty settling all issues, it could easily take 8 months to 18 months to obtain a divorce.

34. Stay focused on the big issues: custody, parenting time, child support, property settlement, and spousal support. Do not incur needless legal fees to argue, or fight over insignificant issues.

35. Control your attorney.

36. Do not have your attorney file motions to seek psychological evaluations of your spouse and children to simply gain leverage in the divorce proceedings.

37. Do not file for a personal protection order to gain leverage in the divorce proceedings.

38. Do not antagonize your spouse to commit an act of domestic violence to gain leverage in the divorce proceedings.

39. Call the police only when necessary.

40. Call Children's Protective Services only when necessary.

41. Do not make false allegations regarding emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse of your children; false allegations can never be taken back.

42. Do not withhold, or attempt to withhold, parenting time as a means to gain leverage in the divorce proceedings, or to hurt your spouse/ex-spouse during or after the divorce.

43. If your spouse is no longer residing at the marital home during the divorce proceedings, but is paying for the marital home expenses, do not intentionally "run-up" the bills (by running the sprinkler system and by heating the pool around the clock) to increase the expenses that your spouse will have to pay; this simply reduces the amount of money that can be spent on your children and other necessary expenses.

44. If a representative of the Friend of the Court will be interviewing your children with respect to their preference to reside with you or your spouse, do not attempt to prep or sway your children before the interview.

45. Do not have your children write letters to the Court, or the Friend of the Court, on your behalf.

46. Do not bring your children to the divorce proceedings unless requested by the Court.

47. Do not bring parents and/or other family members to the divorce proceedings.

48. Try to resolve your differences short of a trial, between yourselves with the assistance of your attorneys, or through the use of an arbitrator, facilitator, or mediator; a trial deepens/hardens anger and resentment.

49. Honor the agreements you reach with your spouse/ex-spouse regarding divorce issues and/or children issues; placing such agreements in the Judgment of Divorce will avoid confusion.

50. The Judgment of Divorce should contain a detailed parenting time schedule instead of leaving it open; you and your ex-spouse can always deviate from the schedule if you are communicating; it avoids the necessity of having to return to Court if you and your ex-spouse stop communicating.

51. Pay your child support.

52. Pay your child care expenses.

53. Pay your children's medical reimbursements to your spouse/ex-spouse.

54. Each parent should have as much parenting time as possible. Although it may be difficult on everyone, the parents should work toward a 50/50 split with respect to parenting time. The above may not be possible, if each parent lives in a different school district after the divorce, if the children have been abused by a parent, etc.

55. Discuss parenting time with your children only when both parents are present.

56. Spend as much time with your children as possible; never refuse extra parenting time.

57. Parenting time should be exercised on a consistent basis, without long gaps between visits with your children. Show up, and do not be late, for all scheduled parenting time.

58. If you cannot see your children on a consistent basis, you should telephone, write, e-mail, text message, send cards, etc., on a consistent basis.

59. Do not agree to a parenting time schedule that separates your children.

60. Do not agree to a parenting time schedule that is initiated by your children. Under this arrangement, the parent that does not have physical custody of the children will only have parenting time when the children initiate the same. This arrangement gives the custodial parent the opportunity to convince the children to be indifferent or hostile toward the non-custodial parent. This arrangement also gives the children too much control/power over the non-custodial parent. The above may not be applicable if the children have been abused by the non-custodial parent.

61. A shorter distance between your home and your spouse/ex-spouse's home will allow for more flexibility with respect to parenting time; will make it easier for the parents to fill-in for each other; will make it easier for the non-custodial parent to attend the children's school and other functions; etc.

62. Avoid treating your children like a guest in your home; include them in family activities such as making dinner, doing the dishes, cutting the lawn, etc.

63. Avoid structuring every moment of parenting time around an activity or event; a majority of parenting time should involve everyday life.

64. To the extent you can afford it, have clothes and toiletries for your children at both of your homes.

65. If your children need something during or after the divorce proceedings when you are engaging in parenting time, obtain it for them if possible, and work out the economics with your spouse/ex-spouse at a later time.

66. Be flexible with your spouse/ex-spouse as far as parenting time; fill-in for each other when necessary.

67. Do not argue in front of your children.

68. Do not discuss your bedroom issues in front of your children.

69. Do not attempt to convince your children that your spouse/ex-spouse was the cause of the divorce; they will make their own assessment, if they feel the need to do so, as they grow older.

70. Do not attempt to influence your children to be indifferent or hostile toward your spouse/ex-spouse; this is one of the worst forms of child abuse.

71. Never make comments to your children that compare them to your spouse/ex-spouse in a negative way.

72. Never, for any reason, resort to physical violence with your spouse/ex-spouse, or children.

73. Do not abandon your children no matter what hurdles are placed in front of you by your spouse/ex-spouse.

74. Do not talk about custody with your children.

75. Do not talk about child support with your children.

76. Do not talk about the division of property with your children.

77. Do not talk about spousal support with your children.

78. If you are entitled to spousal support, do not turn it down out of pride, accept it, save it, and utilize it to assist your children with college and other expenses.

79. Do not discuss the Court proceedings and rulings with your children.

80. Do not leave any paperwork regarding the divorce in any place at your home where your children will be able to find and read it.

81. If the marital home is being sold as part of the property settlement, do not have your children present when such home is being shown to potential buyers.

82. Do not have your children present when you are moving furniture and other belongings out of the marital home.

83. Do not damage your spouse/ex-spouse's property; it sets the wrong example for your children because they will eventually find out about it.

84. Do not ask your children what your spouse/ex-spouse is doing.

85. Do not ask your children what your spouse/ex-spouse is spending money on.

86. Do not use your children to forward bills or messages to your spouse/ex-spouse.

87. Do not have your children lie for you.

88. Do not fight for extra parenting time simply to reduce child support.

89. Do not threaten your spouse/ex-spouse that you will stop seeing your children if you have to pay child support and child care expenses.

90. Do not over-dramatize your children's deficiencies or illnesses, in an attempt to increase spousal support, because you would rather stay at home instead of also contributing economically to your children.

91. Do not think that you are punishing your spouse/ex-spouse by not exercising parenting time with your children; you are only punishing your children.

92. Do not withhold parenting time because child support is late.

93. Do not pass on a better career opportunity to avoid paying higher child support.

94. Do not convey to your children that you are unable to purchase an item because your spouse/ex-spouse is not paying child support or other expenses, or because you are paying child support and other expenses.

95. Do not give gifts to your children with restrictions. For example, if you buy your child a bike, do not force your child to keep it at your home if he/she wants to bring it to your spouse/ex-spouse's home.

96. Do not let your differences keep you and your spouse/ex-spouse from both attending special events in your children's lives; graduations, weddings, etc.

97. Do not tell your children that they are a "mistake" ("Dad did not want you" or "Mom did not want you").

98. Do not talk badly about your spouse/ex-spouse in front of your children.

99. Do not talk badly about your spouse/ex-spouse to family, friends, or third parties.

100. Do not allow your family, friends, or third parties to talk badly about your spouse/ex-spouse in front of your children.

101. Do not allow your family, friends, or third parties to control the decisions you make with your spouse/ex-spouse regarding your children.

102. Do not allow your family or friends to move into the marital home during the divorce proceedings; it simply adds to the turmoil in most cases.

103. Do not shower your children with gifts to win them over; during the divorce proceedings, all gifts should be from both mom and dad.

104. Do not fake an illness, or dramatize a health issue, to obtain your children's attention and/or sympathy.

105. Do not allow your children to play you and your ex-spouse against each other.

106. Start new traditions with your children.

107. Allow your children to express their love for your spouse/ex-spouse in your presence, and allow your children to have pictures of your spouse/ex-spouse in their rooms.

108. As your children become older, realize that parenting time and responsibilities may have to be altered to meet the changing needs and schedules of your children.

109. Do not make your children feel uncomfortable when you are exercising your parenting time and they want to contact (via phone calls, e-mails, or text messages) your spouse/ex-spouse. Do not check the previous call listing on your children's mobile phones to see how many times they contact your spouse/ex-spouse when you are exercising your parenting time.

110. Do not make your children feel uncomfortable, when they are leaving your home so your spouse/ex-spouse can exercise parenting time.

111. Be civil to your spouse/ex-spouse when he/she is picking up your children to exercise his/her parenting time; do not make your spouse/ex-spouse pick your children up at the curb, at other family member's homes, the police station, or other establishments, because you cannot be civil with one another.

112. Do not interrupt your children's time with your spouse/ex-spouse by excessively contacting them when they are with your spouse/ex-spouse.

113. Figure out a way to be friends with your ex-spouse; try to forgive and forget; you will be parents for life.

114. Try to develop a degree of trust with your spouse/ex-spouse when it comes to issues surrounding your children.

115. Establish a game plan with your spouse/ex-spouse to solve issues surrounding your children; at a minimum, meet alone on a quarterly basis; limit the time of the discussion; stick to the issues; do not bring up the past; try to compromise and come to a resolution, etc.

116. Never stop communicating with your spouse/ex-spouse about your children's educational, medical, religious, and daily issues.

117. If you and your ex-spouse cannot reach an agreement on issues concerning your children after the divorce, consider a counselor, mediator, or parenting-time coordinator who will decide issues after each parent presents their respective views; a counselor, mediator, or parenting-time coordinator will be quicker and cheaper than using the Courts.

118. If you utilize a parenting-time coordinator, make sure that the parenting-time coordinator is qualified; make sure he/she has children of his/her own.

119. If you cannot communicate directly with your spouse/ex-spouse regarding divorce issues and/or your children, use e-mails and text messages to communicate.

120. Attempt to coordinate your children's routines (activities, homework, curfew, bedtime, etc.) with your spouse/ex-spouse while they are with each parent.

121. Have your children's report cards sent to you and your spouse/ex-spouse.

122. You and your spouse/ex-spouse should exchange copies of any schedules regarding your children's school activities, dates of parent/teacher conferences, etc.

123. You and your spouse/ex-spouse should encourage your children to follow the household rules where they are residing.

124. If your children are sick or injured during your parenting time, contact your spouse/ex-spouse as soon as possible.

125. Be supportive of the other parent's role; do not criticize his/her career, the location of his/her home, size of his/her home, etc.

126. Encourage your children to have a good relationship and to spend time with your spouse/ex-spouse; even after your children become adults.

127. If your children are upset with you spouse/ex-spouse, do your best to calm them down.

128. If your children have a complaint about your spouse/ex-spouse, encourage them to bring it to the attention of your spouse/ex-spouse.

129. Assist your children in buying cards and gifts for your spouse/ex-spouse.

130. Do not knowingly schedule your children's special events on days that your spouse/ex-spouse will be out of town so as to keep your spouse/ex-spouse from attending.

131. Coordinate with your spouse/ex-spouse with respect to gift giving for your children's special events.

132. Do not schedule extracurricular activities for your children if they interfere with your spouse/ex-spouse's parenting time unless you obtain their prior consent.

133. If your spouse/ex-spouse has yearly events that they attend with your children, do your best to plan/alter your parenting time so as to not interfere with such events.

134. Support and promote your children's relationships with your spouse/ex-spouse's parents (grandparents), brothers (uncles) sisters (aunts), nieces and nephews.

135. Allow your spouse/ex-spouse or their family members to assist in watching your children while you are at work to reduce child care expenses.

136. If a relative asks your child to assist with a project, make sure the relative speaks with your spouse/ex-spouse, if assisting with such project impacts your spouse/ex-spouse's parenting time, or if you think your spouse/ex-spouse might not approve of your child assisting with such project.

137. On occasion, have breakfast, lunch, or dinner with your spouse/ex-spouse and children; give your children a sense of family, even if it is for a short period of time.

138. Move on with your personal life; do not live in the past.

139. Continue to be an adult and parent after the divorce; there is no need to act like a teenager.

140. Let your children know when you are dating, and do not forget about your children when you are dating.

141. Take your time (approximately 1 year) before you introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend to your children; make sure that the relationship is a serious one before introducing your children to the new girlfriend/boyfriend.

142. When you introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend to your children, inform your spouse/ex-spouse first so your children do not feel caught in the middle; so they do not feel they are hiding something from your spouse/ex-spouse.

143. When you introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend to your children, keep it from being a big production.

144. If your new girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse has children, do not place such children ahead of your own children; emotionally or otherwise.

145. Make sure that your children are not the last ones to know that you are planning to remarry.

146. Before you remarry, clearly discuss your future spouse's expectations and role with your children; do not allow your future spouse to replace, or attempt to replace, an active and supportive biological parent.

147. Before you remarry, protect your children's inheritance via a will, trust, pre-nuptial agreement, etc.

148. After you remarry, start new traditions; but do not discard the old traditions, and continue to reserve some time to be alone with your children.

149. Only the biological parent should punish the children. The step-parent should not attempt to impose his or her will, but should conduct him or herself in the same manner as an aunt or uncle.

150. Do not allow your new spouse to take the lead (or be put in the middle) when dealing with your ex-spouse regarding issues that deal with your children.

151. Support your children's relationships with your ex-spouse's new spouse and step-children.

152. Cooperate, compromise, and respect each other.

153. Remember, your children are always watching and listening; set a good example for them.

The author welcomes readers to forward this article to parents involved in divorce proceedings; he also welcomes readers to forward additional tips to his attention so this article can be supplemented based on the experiences of others.

Armand Velardo is a shareholder at Ruggirello, Velardo, Novara & Ver Beek, P.C., which is located at 65 Southbound Gratiot, Mount Clemens, Michigan 48043. Mr. Velardo's practice focuses on family law, business planning, estate planning, personal injury, and commercial litigation. Mr. Velardo has a B.S.B.A. from Wayne State University, a J.D. from Wayne State University, a LL.M. in Taxation from Wayne State University; and he is also a Certified Public Accountant. Mr. Velardo can be contacted at (586) 469-8660 (office phone), or at (586) 918-3380 (cell phone), or via e-mail at avelardo@rvnvlaw.com.

Copyright 2004-2010, Armand Velardo, Esq., All Rights Reserved.

Today's parents are fighting an up hill battle that their parents didn't have to worry or think about during their childhood. When today's parents were kids, there wasn't a computer, or video games, nor cable TV channels, and few fast food restaurants. In their time most kids spent their days riding their bikes, climbing trees, and playing tag. At dinner time the family came together at the kitchen table, and ate a home cooked meal. The world has certainly taken a 180 turn with this generation of children. Having an overweight child presents particular challenges encouraging the child to move, addressing consumption of junk food, and all the while still trying to build the child's self esteem. Helping an overweight child is far from an easy task.

The Trim Kids Program

Trim Kids is an excellent 12 week plan that addresses virtually every challenge faced with an overweight child, pre-teen, or teenager. It is one of the best - if not the best programs and guides to arrive in the recent years. This program appeared for the first time in a book written by Melinda Southern. Trim Kids has been tested on more than 1000 children and teens, and was found to be successful. Nutrition and exercise is not all the Trim Kids program focuses on - it also addresses behavioral issues that led to the child's weight problems. The program has a 10 week meal plan exclusively prepared and suitable for children. Recently Trim Kids has acquired a partnership with eDiets. Meal plans can now be personalized and accesses instantly at the Trim Kids on line program. Highly Recommended.

Exercise Ideas for Children

Exercise is not the only way to burn calories they are burned through activity. Trim Kids gives many superb ideas to get your child to move:

o Does your child have a favorite television show? Of course they do - allow your child to watch their favorite television show on the condition that they have to stand up and dance or move around the duration of every commercial. If your child shrugs you off or refuses, simply turn off the TV. If your child is watching a video or DVD, explain to them you are going to pause the movie every 30 minutes so they can walk around the block or do some abdominal crunches. If they argue, no more movie.

o Take your child shopping with you whether it is the mall or convenient store - park at the far end of the lot and walk to the store. If there is a cart involved while shopping such as with groceries have your child push the cart. When finished with the cart both of you can return to the cart to its designated area.

o Do you have one of those teenagers who will never get off the phone? Tell your child they can talk as long as they are walking. This will more than likely require a cordless phone or cell phone but it will be worth the investment. The moment your child sits down, the conversation ends. It's obvious that you cannot monitor your child at all times, but what you can do is make surprise visits to make sure your child is still moving. Another option is to have your child walk the length of your house so they'll keep popping up where you are. Remember, if your child sits down the conversation is over.

Parents, it cannot be stressed enough that this will require a lot of patients from you. The work must come from both ends if you wish your child to succeed. The first time you give in to your child and allow them to break the rules you have just made it that much more difficult. This program comes highly recommended and is probably the very best program designed to help children lose weight. With the addition of the online program and partnership with eDiets and all their free tools there should be no excuse for having a child that is overweight with these options available.

For a wide variety of the best weight loss programs, exercise programs, and some of the best FREE fitness information on the web visit http://www.flexyourhealth.com/index.html

Critical Mistake # 1 Trying To Be Your Child's Best Friend

Although it is an admiral thing to want to be your child's best friend, they do not need that kind of relationship with their parents or carers. What your child needs is an authority figure to be the boss.

This doesn't mean that you have the right to be bossy. However, there needs to be a distinction so that your child realises that you are the final authority. I have seen many a single mum with one child, trying to be a "buddy" to them, perhaps as a guilt thing to make up for the fact that there may be no father in sight.

Don't get me wrong; I am not knocking the single mum as I am one of them. And as a single mum I need to be especially careful to let my children know that I am still the boss and that they are accountable to me. This gives the child a sense of security, knowing that someone is in charge.

Critical Mistake # 2 Yelling At Your Child

I know that all of us have yelled at our children at some stage; some of us regularly, others just occasionally. What we need to realise is that it does our child no good to have us raise our voices at them. It actually breeds disrespect for you.

If we can learn to conquer the art of being non-reactive when our kids misbehave, we have learned a valuable skill to help our parenting. Once we master this skill, we will realise that our children will react to us becoming more non-reactive and will calm down also. Our example actually helps to breed harmony in the household.

Meditating each morning for a few minutes is a really good way to start the day when you are raising children. If you can put your mind at ease before you start the day, you will be more likely to feel relaxed when the inevitable happens.

Critical Mistake # 3 Not Being Consistent

Believe me, I know that this one can be really tough. I am mother to four children and at times they seem to hound me all at once. It can be so easy for me to give in their every request. However, we need to remember that not everything our child wants is beneficial for them. And often, children don't understand the ramifications of everything that they do. That's why we are the parents.

I often have to say to my teenagers, "It's just not my job to be liked. It's my job to be consistent with you". It's important that we are not afraid to say this to our child. We are not trying to make life difficult for our children. All the same, left to their own devices, they can make some pretty silly decisions.

Critical Mistake # 4 Not Providing Good Boundaries

I could write a whole book on this topic (hmmm, that's not a bad idea at all).... All children, no matter what their age, need boundaries. When kids are given healthy boundaries, they can function well at home, school and in society in general.

The real world works with boundaries. If you break the law, you end up going to jail. That's a boundary that the government puts in place to stop people from committing crimes.

I provide boundaries for my children's friends who come to play. Do I have the right to give boundaries to someone else's child? Absolutely, if they are in my house. And we have had remarkable results from children who don't always behave elsewhere.

When these kids come to my house I explain to them what my rules are. Once a child understands clearly what is expected of them, then, and only then, can you expect them to comply. Children need things spelled out really clearly for them.

Critical Mistake # 5 Entering Into Power Struggles

NO! NO! NO! NO! Don't do it. For those of you who don't know, a power struggle is when you enter into a conversation with your child that never seems to end. There can be no winner because your child refuses to give up. Even if they are wrong, they won't give up.

When a child is in this mood it is best not to continue a conversation with them. Often, when a child is angry, they cannot see or think properly. This happened with one of my sons last night. He was very angry because the computer game didn't let him win a level. He became verbally abusive and refused to calm down.

Two minutes later he told me that he was ready to talk about the incident. I sensed that he was still angry, therefore wasn't prepared to talk and made him wait for about half an hour before I sensed that he had calmed down enough to hear me and have a conversation with him.

Teenagers, especially, have no logic when they want to argue about many things. They can know that they are wrong, yet still argue very persuasively that they are right. This is quite normal development for a teenager. I am not saying that it is acceptable. But if you have encountered this with your teenager at least you know that it is completely normal.

Our job is to choose not to engage them in the argument. We need to find a way to quickly move into another room or change the subject.

Critical Mistake # 6 Giving A Child Too Many Choices

I shall explain myself. Firstly, it is a good idea to give your children choices within limits. But too many choices can become a problem.

Take for instance, the four year old that is asked what she wants for breakfast: cocoa pops, cornflakes, weet-bix, nutri-grain, rice bubbles, porridge or fruit loops. The problem is that a young child isn't capable of making decisions that involve many choices. A good choice for a child would be offering them corn flakes or rice bubbles.

What we are trying to achieve is an amount of success with our children. If we give a child two choices and they pick one, they have experienced success to some degree. Then we can build upon that later by adding more choices. However, when we start with many choices we are simply confusing our children. We are not doing them a favour.

I use this technique very well with my strong willed daughter. Instead of telling her to have a bath each night, I say to her, "Becky, would you like to have a bath before dinner or after dinner?" This gives her a chance to express a bit of individuality and freedom to make a choice. But I have control over the choices and am still happy with both outcomes that I offer her.

Not only does this method work really well with my daughter, it also gives her a feeling of power and kids love to feel in control. There's nothing wrong with letting your kids feel like they can be the decision makers sometimes. It can greatly enhance self esteem.

Critical Mistake # 7 Lack Of Quality Time With Your Child

For many children, love is spelled T - I - M - E. As parents, we must understand that nothing else cuts it. Not gifts, not food, not anything else.

I remember last week, my fifteen year old said to me, "Mum, would you please get off that computer. You love that computer more than you love me". He really made me think about the amount of time I spend working when the kids are at home. David even said to me, "Mum, I would much rather have you spend time with me than have a million dollars in the bank. I don't care about your stupid web site. I want to spend time with you."

At the time that he said that, he had just finished an hour on the computer and was peeved off that I had removed him from it. But I still took the opportunity to think long and hard. Parenting is one big learning curve and I never want to be so proud that I am not willing to learn something. I took my son's words to heart that night.

I hope you have learned a few new things today from this report. These are just seven things that came to mind as I was thinking today. My prayer is that you will act upon some of these things and improve your capacity to be a happy and consistent parent.

Have confidence in all that you do and you can only do your best. Parenting is a journey and it is meant to be fun. If you are not having fun parenting, drop what you are doing right now, go and give your kids a big hug and tell them how glad you are that they are a part of your family.

Article written by Kim Patrick
http://www.parentwithpassion.com

Wouldn't it be great to be able to go to a store and examine all the possible offspring and take one with you? Like within the grocery aisle, you could scan the array, searching for the brightest, ripest, juiciest, or sweetest of them all. Then you could wrap it up and head for the exit. Once at home, you beam with pride over your smart choice and begin to enjoy all that they have to offer.

If this appears to be more of an adoption tale than anything else, then not so fast. I'm not discussing adoption. I'm talking about raising our own natural-born children. And we do it everyday, without even realizing it. Sure, we have little control over the genetic characteristics that are inbred, but after the birth, all the environmental factors kick in. From the earliest stages, we actually make all the decisions for the child and, therefore, create the various aspects of their future personality. If that's not choosing your child, than what is?

If the father of a boy is prone to play sports or go hunting, he unconsciously begins teaching his son about tossing a ball or playing with guns. Would the child have asked for these things if the dad hadn't done so for him? Or what about mom buying her daughter that baking oven or craft set? See how we influence them? During the first few years, we have a captive audience within the toddler. They listen to our music, see our taste in colors, furnishings, and our lifestyle. If we travel, they travel. If we camp, they camp. But they also get to see the seamy side, as well.

If you argue or yell at your spouse, do you always conduct these fights away from the children? Are you constantly aware of how they react to your emotional outbursts? While it's perfectly normal to have disputes and differences of opinion, you are always "on-stage" before your audience of offspring. Regardless of your intent, you are molding them into a clone of your behavior, including likes and dislikes.

For instance, do you keep lots of junk food in the house, or are you opting for more health alternatives? They eat what you eat. Do you attend church? Do you watch a lot of television? If so, what are your favorites; dramas, comedies or reality shows? Your kids see the world through your eyes. Are you an organized neat-nick or a disorganized slob? How do they keep their rooms? Is it a reflection of your home?

As they grow, they understand more and more about your lifestyle. Do you smoke or do drugs in the house? How about alcohol? Are you obese or addicted to gambling or sex? They tend to mimic your behavior; so don't be surprised as they begin looking and acting more like you every day. When you chose to have them, you also chose to choose for them. These are lessons that they will carry with them into adulthood. If you could do things differently, now that they're older, would you still have designed their life the way you did, or would you have gone a different direction? This is especially true, knowing what you know now. For those couple planning a family, consider this. You do get to choose your children's lives, and that's almost the same as first squeezing the cantaloupe or sampling the red grapes. Only with far great consequences once you get them home.

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree in teaching. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, "Pursuit of the Phoenix." His latest book is, "Inside the Yellow Pages" which can be seen at his website, http://www.poweradbook.com. Currently, he is the Marketing Director for thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.

The most important value you will ever teach your children is: to respect their parents. And since you cannot pass anything on that you don't incorporate yourself, you will have to start by first respecting your children. If they don't feel treated like a human being, worthy of respect and love, deserving of your attention, then their cooperation will be in short supply.

First, you show them respect. Second, you teach them to respect you.

So how to go about this in practice? What to do if your children complain about the food, insult you because you're picking them up from the gym 10 minutes too late, or if they don't want to clean up their own mess?

Let's have a look at these situations one by one:

1. Are the kids complaining about the food? Do you hear a "bwerk" when they see what's in the casserole? Well, you are no fool, are you? You just spent one hour in the kitchen preparing that meal. Before cooking, you spent one hour at the grocery store buying the food. Before that, you spent many hours on the job, earning the money to pay for that food. So you now start asking yourself, "Did I not give enough of myself for this meal?" Yes, you did! You do not owe it to them to prepare a warm meal every day. But you do owe it to yourself to get some respect from those for whom you make all these efforts. Enough is enough! You did your part of the deal, now it's up to them. Teach your children to say "thank you" for every meal. If they have no "thank you" on offer but only muster a "bwerk," then you are not making dinner for at least two days! Soon they'll be begging you for a warm dinner, and God knows they will be very grateful when they finally get one on the third day! Never continue delivering a service that is not appreciated. You'd be a fool to do that! How does it feel to be toiling away behind the stove, all the while fearing your efforts and goodwill won't be appreciated? This is no way to live! If they appreciate neither your efforts nor your cooking, then make them go without for 2 or 3 days, and see what happens.

2. Are the kids insulting you just because you're ten minutes late when picking them up from the gym? Then stop picking them up from the gym for a few times! Make it clear to them that they have to appreciate your effort of taking them and picking them up. Don't start an argument with them, for that doesn't work. Don't keep explaining time and time again that they should respect you, but rather show them by taking action. If they are unable to see the difference between the important facts (you are there to pick them up) and the unimportant facts (being ten minutes too late), then let them feel the difference. Next time around, simply don't take them to the gym, so they will become aware of the difference and learn to appreciate what you are doing for them. Don't settle for being treated like a slave. You are worthy of respect! Show them what it means to be a person who respects himself. Respect yourself and others will respect you.

3. Are the kids complaining that "there is nothing to eat" in the house, while the kitchen cupboards are bulging with food? What they mean, of course, is that THEIR favorite food is not available in large enough a quantity. Do your kids have this kind of complaints? Okay, here's what you do: stop going to the grocery store for a while. That way the kids will have to first finish all the food in the fridge and in the cupboards (or go do some household shopping themselves, also an enlightening exercise). This also makes for an economical cleaning up of all those half-finished packs of crackers, biscuits, cheese, and the like. Then comes the next phase where there really is "nothing" left in the cupboards. Now is the time to go to the grocery store, and you can bet on it that they will appreciate the new arrivals! They will feel like there's "so much to eat," while in fact there's less food than when they were complaining there was "nothing to eat."

4. Are the kids putting tons of ketchup on their food, continuously ignoring your warnings to be more economical and eat healthier? Stop arguing about it, for that doesn't work. Instead, stop buying ketchup all the time! For example, buy one bottle of ketchup per month and clearly tell your children that they'll have to do with this one bottle for the whole month. When the bottle is done, it's done, till next month comes around. If necessary, buy a bottle for each child and label it. That way your children will learn to regulate their "ketchup behavior."

5. Are the kids ignoring your orders to put their shoes in the designated place? Do they go on leaving their shoes all around the house? Tell them this will be the last warning, and that from now on, any shoes found scattered around will be "launched" into the back yard. And then, stick to your promise! I had to do this once with my sun's basketball shoes: I launched them outside. As it happened, that night it was raining cats and dogs. The next morning he cried, "What do I do now? My shoes are all wet!" I said to him, "Sun, this is your problem." Believe me, I had to do this only once! Once your children know that you will do as you say, then you won't have to do it. They will respect your word!

6. Are your children's rooms a mess? You want the mess to be cleaned up? Don't do it yourself! Your teenagers should clean up their own mess! So instead of arguing about it, tell them that they have to clean up their room before dinner on Saturday. That way you are giving them plenty of freedom to chose their own timing. Come Saturday evening dinnertime, go check if the room is tidy. If not, then there is no dinner for that child. After all, this was the deal: room to be cleaned BEFORE dinner. They can still clean their room right there and then, and have dinner when they're done, but as long as the room is not clean there is no dinner. You could also say, "You clean your room and after that you can go out with your friends." Be consistent and do as you say.

This is where many parents stumble when dealing with their children: they argue too much. They go on explaining the same thing dozens of times. Do you really think the kids didn't understand what you were saying? If you have said something two times, then that's enough. After the second time, you should ACT and not TALK.

Don't argue with them! Never argue with a child. You are the parent, you are the one who decides. You can negotiate with your child, but don't feel you need to explain yourself. Kids have much more energy than you do, and sooner or later you will give up (or give in) because your energy is spent while theirs is not. They know that and they will win the battle! Don't get tempted to go into endless discussions with your child. Learn to act after the second warning. Be consistent! That's the only way to get respect.

Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist. My goal is to help you achieve success and happiness. Accomplish your mission on earth and love yourself. Two free e-courses at http://www.theenthusiasm.com

Dealing with difficult subject matters and having sensitive discussions is a part of life. However, when it comes to children broaching such topics can be challenging. Yet, if you know how to approach and explain these difficult topics so they can understand them in a thoughtful and age-appropriate way, the discussions will be less stressful and the resulting better for all involved.

If you are a parent take the time to review this set of general guidelines, as well as more specific suggestions for handling certain topics in order to arm yourself for those challenging discussions that are sure to come.

General Guidelines for Explaining Difficult Topics

No matter what the subject, there are certain principles that can be applied. Knowing what they are will give you a good base for your talk with your young children or teenagers.

Don't overwhelm them with details. Let your child be the guide and follow their lead as to how much information to give.

Remember to be age-appropriate with the amount and type of information you share. Details a teenager might be able to handle would not be assimilated the same way by a younger child.

Break down data in a way would benefit or address the concerns of the child in question.

Allow children to ask their own questions and respond honestly. Encourage openness.

Incorporate your family values into difficult discussions. If you are not sure how you feel about a certain topic or conversation your child what's to have, be honest, share your ambiguous feelings to your children. It is okay to let them know that you do not have all the answers, but that you can and will research the topic and try to find the answers they need.

If you want to have a discussion with your child plan an activity together, and have the necessary discussion while you are both busy at work or play.

While some topics may arise out of the blue, some are predictable. Therefore, plan to talk to your child earlier than necessary about subjects that are bound to come up. That way you will beat their peers to the subject!

Listen carefully to what your child to say about whatever topic is being discussed. You will gain clues on how much you should tell them or what they really want and needs to hear-what their concerns really are. Be patient with yourself and your child, talk as long as your child needs to.

Talking About Divorce

If a child is concerned that his parents may divorce but their relationship is healthy, he or she needs to be reassured of that. They also need to know that some arguing amongst adults is normal. The child simply needs reassurance that his family unit is stable and intact.

But if divorce is looming on the horizon, the conversation will be very different. However, it should always begin and end with reassurance. Tell them that they will always be loved and that will never change. Children need to be reminded that no part of the decision to divorce is a reflection on them.

Always addressed the general topic of divorce in a factually manner with an explanation that it is a reality for many families.

Talking About The Concept Of Being Gay

Whether the topic comes up as a generality or if a child asks about the same-sex parent of a friend or neighbor, the subject matter of being gay is another discussion that some parents are unease about or not prepared to have. This is an area where your values may come into play so you might want to tackle it form a factually point of view.

You can explanation to your child that some people happen to love another person who just happens to be of the same-sex. For a young child, this should be sufficient. For a teenager, the discussion regarding sexual orientation may be more complicated and fraught with legal and moral issues. No matter how you choose to handle this be open, and encourage your children to treat everyone as he would want to be treated. Remind them that whether or not a person is gay has no impact on their humanity.

Talking About The Death Of A Parent Or Loved One

Death is one of the most difficult subjects to bring up with children or teenagers. Nevertheless, when faced with it, there is no shying away from it. Communicating effectively about the topic can greatly help young people deal with loss.

Discuss the physical aspects of death, such as illness that couldn't be cured; injury that could not be fixed; and how bodies simply stop working at one point. In regards to the spiritual realm of death, values and religion reign. Share what your family believes. Comfort your children with the idea that death does not change love. Allow your child to openly express their feelings, be sure to provide a safe and judgment free environment for them to do so.

Talking About Strip Clubs

When your child notices the strip club on the highway on the way to school or church, you will most likely face another uncomfortable conversation. Luckily, this discussion does not touch close to home, so it can be dealt with in generalities as you discuss the choices some people make. Be sure to make it a life lesson. You can also explain that just like children have play area, such as amusement parks which are just for them, so does adults. Simply tell children that a strip club is place where some grown-ups chose to go to have fun.

Talking About Sex, Pregnancy And Where Babies Come From

Talking to your children about sex, pregnancy and where babies come from is one of those inevitable discussions that every parent has to have. One of the most important things to remember is to be timely with that discussion. If possible talk about the subject before your child hears about it from friends or classmates. So, you would want to start early on this topic. Simply as questions arise, answer them honestly, with small children being brief and simplistic is very important, don't divulge more information than is absolutely necessity.

Keep in mind that before deciding to introduce any difficult subject with your young children or teenager, have a game plan. Know how much information you want to share. Plan to be responsive to their input. And when subjects come up unexpectedly staying calm and being honest will save the day. Share appropriately to create a well-balanced child who know they can also came or look to they family for help in understanding the tough things in life.

Learn more at: http://www.unityinherited.com

It is unlikely that by the end of the decade every teenager on this planet can get in touch with their magnificence and begin a process of shedding all the limitations they were marinated in throughout their early years, but the opportunity does exist. Now this isn't to take the responsibility away from the teenager, as he or she has chosen their own exploration of life. We do it for ourselves for the more joy we put out the more joyful life can be. On the other hand we see an environment in which our young are absorbing, the good and bad, the joyful and fearful. We add to it and improve it or allow it to be as it is. Children are left to interpret and form beliefs for themselves about everything from their health and intelligence to their security and freedom to the possibilities for their dreams or not. Lucky for us all, children are smarter than ever before and they are opening a new world without limits.

The expansion continues and the variety of possible choices is without end. You can enter from a position of royalty and be a brutal criminal or you can be born in a war torn society in abject poverty and find yourself on top of the world as a most loved and admired elegant entrepreneur. You can be born with life threatening diseases only to live a gold medalist dream. There are no limits on the variations of possibilities. We each can think greater than we did the day before. There are no ideas too big. Though the unfolding of human awareness is happening 'on schedule' we are now living in an era ripe for unimaginable jubilation and love and prosperous expansion.

Never before has there been such clarity of what is possible for the individual and the world at large. I heard it said 50 is the new 30 and that's an exciting idea born of the growing awareness that seeking greater happiness and joy produces greater life. Within the next 10-20 years there will be as much advancement in human self discovery and technological know-how to equal all previous discoveries made in all of recorded history. These advances will be staggering.

It is my contention that the root of this new growth period will be grounded in the understanding that children are only limited by the conditions and circumstances we place upon them and our relatively new understanding of the relationship between emotions and self esteem. Children begin their discoveries into a world far more advanced than their parents and they do it with less restrictive minds. Their ability to recognize the laws of the universe enables them to reach for greater possibilities. Few would argue that as people have gotten older their limiting beliefs have taken a toll. You would need to ask a million adults before you could find one who thought teleportation was a possibility. Teenagers on the other hand have far greater latitude.

The future is bright for everyone really, the best of all that is possible on earth is cause for great joy and it is in this condition we all can play a part in the nurturing of our children. As low as a teenager may experience life at times, he or she has the capacity to provide and grow a seed of joy. It is in this environment that happiness and joy manifest the opportunities, the situations, the circumstances and occurrences of the fulfillment of their desires.

There will be a day when the educational institutions will recognize their limiting effects on their students and transform so as to deliver on their promise to provide an environment in which all children can discover their true nature and live a full life of joy and satisfaction.

Leon Michael Cautillo, Author/Instructor

Come visit In Our Time and read 'A Global Vision'. If you enjoy the poster please consider purchasing it for display. You are invited to discover more about the magnificent and great possibility for mankind. Here you can find what there is to focus on that lifts the world and all its people to greater levels of happiness and joy. http://www.inourtime.com

'Vision to Reality' is powerfully designed for people of all ages to make the distinction between the greater self and the identity self. The purpose is to enable you to know yourself as your higher self knows you. This simple but powerful and fun program allows you to release the barriers to experiencing your desires just in the process of life itself. To learn more about this life altering program please visit http://www.joyistheanswer.com

Which of the following situations send you on the edge? You ask your child to do something three times, and it is still not listening. Your four years is to complete melt down for something that you see as trivial. You had a long day and your teen won't stop it argue with you. As moms, we all have a meter of patience. The gauge goes top down depending our mood, our personality and our triggers. If there is one thing that moms, they had more than his patience (and time, of course). Just as there are time management skills you can learn, there are also patient management skills.
Examine your expectations.
I know I'm stating a truism, but the children are not adults. They think as adults, which act as adults or even have the same development of the brain in adulthood. In fact, their brain is not fully developed until about the age of 23. The last part of the brain to develop is the part that participates in the rational decision making.
Therefore it makes sense that the expectations we have of our children must be the appropriate age and appropriate situation. Expect a child to always remember its duties or other articles which belong to him is unrealistic. Many adults have a problem to forget things. If you know a two years old and mainly of adolescence is to assert their independence, then it can be useful to place the anger and strong wills in perspective. Sometimes we lose our patience as we expect our children to behave in a way that they are simply unable. Take the time to examine the situation and try to put you in the shoes of your child. How can it feel? What is important for your child at the moment? How his view would be different from yours?
Do not take things personally
Children are like us. imperfect. And they will do things that are apparently made to us. Your child could you stare to the bottom and attitude say "no". He could not listen to the your words of wisdom because that he would instead of things its own way. Your daughter pourrait not even pregnant, even though she knows how much it will hurt you. Some bad behavior of the child can be intentional and some may be unintentional, but none of this is personal.
As soon as we become personally attached to the behavior of our children, we start with their behavior as a measure of our relevance as a MOM. If they behave well, we're a great MOM. If our children were, we have failed somewhat. These feelings of failure evoke an emotional response in us which can cause us to lose our patience. Instead of being involved emotionally in disobedience of the child, the practice as a curious observer. This is an excellent opportunity to learn more about your child and yourself. Your child may need to learn some new skills and may have to look at changing some of your own behaviour. We are all creatures normally and we learn how all control life. Taking the misconduct child personally step will be to find a solution to the problem.
Adjust your Style of parenting
I do not think there is that one size all style of parenting. Each child and each situation is different, and learn to be flexible and open on what works and what is not can make a huge difference in the management of our patience. For example, if you have a strong child will, authoritarian parenting style is probably not very effective. Being too strict and controlling with a child tenacious fort will create struggles of power that your patience will be able to manage. This style of parenting, however, can work with a passive child.
Just as each child has a different personality, each situation must be treated independently. If you are in the middle of which intensifies, examine your approach. What is you are doing right now help or an obstacle to the situation? Be prepared to adjust your approach to help diffuse the situation. There are always alternatives to lose our patience.
Develop a coherent strategy of Discipline
Most of the time when we lose our patience, it is because we waited too long for our children of discipline. If we think that on the behaviors of child that grid on our nerves, we usually think of behaviour such as geindre, whims, arguing, do not listen and speak disrespectful. All these and more are behaviours which need a coherent strategy of discipline.
If you know your child has a problem with arguing, reviewing your own trend support, put a plan in place to handle this question each time that it is up. For example, if your child begins to argue with you, patiently him remember that arguing is not permitted and if it continues it will be sent to his room. If it continues, send him to his room. If you regularly, it will eventually learn what are the limits. Proactive and address the bad behavior immediately, you can save the regret that you feel when you lose your patience.
Take a Timeout Mommy
Even moms can use a timeout. There are two ways to take advantage of this strategy. First, take a timeout in a situation of emotional charge. It is normal to abscond if you start to lose your patience. You think that your child is winning the battle if you walk, but the opposite is true. Your child wins the battle when you lose control of your emotions. Some battles are not worth fighting and a few battles need a timeout. You can always go back when you have dialed.
The second way to use timeout is to take regular time to engage in self-care. Most often, moms lose their patience when they are tired and worn. Know your limits and when it is time to take a timeout for MOM. Go walking, have lunch with an inspiring friend, spend time in prayer and meditation or yourself laughing ridicule in a funny film. Do whatever refuels and refreshes you. You will then return to the maternity with a whole new perspective and a healthy reserve of patience.
Patience is not something we are born with that. It is a skill that is developed with time and practice. With the right approach and the right attitude, we can all learn patience. What is the gift hidden to learn to be more patient? Our children model our behaviour.