Argue With Your Teenager

Making Teen Discipline Work For You

Many of us may find ourselves triggered into old patterns of arguing and conflict when faced with a teen who is in full flight of giving you the cold shoulder or what I call ' chucking has 'wobbly'. We may even find ourselves saying things to them that our parents said and which we hated hearing when we were teens.

Disciplining teens - sounds like a potential battle of control of wills and at times a yell fest. If you are feeling exhausted by the constant push you feel in your relationship with your daughter - consider focusing on the following in order to turn things around: a) building an environment of respect, b) negotiation around reasonable behaviour and, c) praise when good behaviour is demonstrated in your daughter's journey into adulthood.

Research has found that there are 4 types of parenting using dimensions of affection and control (or love and authority) which produce different outcomes for teenagers. What has been most productive have been parents who have consistently stood strongly in their love as well as in their authority. This can be a fine balance and can challenge our ability to find the right degrees of each and at the appropriate times. How to have the fierceness of a lioness, the cool detachment of a yogi and the humour of Bob Hope. It's not going to be one thing but choosing different ways of being at different times in order to keep an engaged relationship and keep your cool.

The two fundamental principles in teen discipline:

1 Being are - this is a principle that is true right through out child rearing and is particularly true with teens who will be testing the boundaries every inch of the way. They get frustrated when a behaviour is acceptable one day and not acceptable the next.
o Are you clear in yourself around the boundaries in your home?
o Have you made these transparent with your daughter? Is she aware of what would happen if a boundary was crossed?
o Do they need updating? Rules and boundaries will need to change as your daughter gets older.
It is a good idea to involve her in the rules and ask her to consider consequences if they're broken. She will feel heard by you and it gets away from a 'lecturing' style of parenting.
o Realistic and consistent consequences are part of her school and community
o Creating rules and boundaries at home with consequences, then responding appropriately in a consistent way creates an environment of security and management for your teen girl.

2 Listening - the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain is about compassion, reasoning and empathy. It is still developing in teens and develops through experience. Through learnt behaviour from modelling and role models. Stand for being listened to and model respect through listening to your teen. Even when disagreeing, it is important to allow your daughter time to express her feelings and thoughts. Modelling 'clean arguing' and developing guidelines around appropriate behaviours around conflict is important for her in all her relationships. Again consistency is important here and you leading by example.

What To Look Out For When Setting A Punishment.

3 Pick up and respond to inappropriate behaviour early. Try not punish in anger - when we punish in anger or frustration it's probably a sign that we may have worn out our patience or have let things go on for far too long. A burst of sudden anger can have a dramatic effect but will ultimately create blocks in communication. Teens will often shut down around parents revert to who always getting angry and yelling. You can lose respect and may simply create a teen that mimics your behaviour to siblings or back at you. Consistency is important here so that your teen ideally starts to manage and monitor her own behaviour. If you feel your heat rising try stepping away from the situation to cool down and recover emotionally.

4 Make your punishment under - It should be reflective of the wrongdoing. For example, if your daughter arrived late from an agreed time limiting her night's out temporarily would be appropriate. A social event may be missed if school work hasn can't been completed in order to complete the work. Most teens respond to punishments that are covered as fair.

5 Hold an expectation for good behaviour - Whilst you are trying to understand that your teen daughter may be on a hormonal roller coaster with major emotional and psychological changes it doesn't mean she can behave in a mean or nasty way. Include behavioural expectations need be related to what is right and a foundation created around shared values.

6 Reasoning is a powerful tool with your daughter given that there is a very big part of her that wants to be taken seriously, valued and heard. Reasoning may not always seem to sink in immediately or have an immediate visible effect but the long-term effects will be more evident and positive.

7. Try and remember that you are the parent, yes, a loving parent. But NOT a friend (of course, a friendly parent), but, not her friend. Your daughter will usually have plenty of her own friends. She will need the safety and security of boundaries and guidance you offer her as a parent. This may include at times supporting her around saying 'no' to her friends and at times being the 'bad guy' simply because at times the answer will be 'no.' This is important as it's modeling how to say 'no' when she will inevitably have to be in that position herself. Teens who view their parents as authority figures and providers are more likely to be close to them in adulthood. We know you were once a teen and relating some of your experiences can be a really valuable way of working through some challenges. Standing in your authority creates a safe container for her to occasionally push against, feel her own boundaries and grow in.

8 Address the behaviour not the girl - You might be feeling like your teen is testing your boundaries all the time. It's really important to have the capacity to hang in there, be the bigger person (the adult), put aside your hurt and frustration at times and make sure she knows you love her despite what she does. Importantly, that you love her enough not to let her develop behaviours that may be harmful to herself or anyone else. Direct your complaints and comments at the behaviour, not the girl. Try to keep your complaints short and to the point, it will ensure you have an engaged teen. (this tip applies to spouses and family and friends in general)

With problematic behaviour try and avoid name calling, and put downy language like: "you're lazy" or "that was stupid." Focus on the behaviour that created the problem such as not studying or not asking for needed help. Make sure she gets some positive strokes. E.g. let her know that you're confident she can change things around and are going to work with her to make sure the behaviour improves.

11 Give your daughter space to fail or mess up. This is part of her psychological growth and development in real life skills for the future. Often failures are wonderful opportunities for learning and deepening strength of character. Again, avoid the lecturing purpose help her reflect on what she might do differently.

Please do write to me if you have any questions about this.
and good luck
May the force be with you
Shushann

Shushann Movsessian MAppSc.(Soc Ecol), Dip.Teach, clinical member CAPA
Counsellor, Coach, Trainer
P.O. Box 83 Waverley NSW 2024
Mobile: 0410 324 134
http://www.letstalkgrowingup.com.au

When did Smacking become a dirty word?

This is the biggest - and unkindest - myth propagated yet on our generation. A quick sharp smack on the hand has worked for generations and still works for people who are brave enough to do it.

I would argue that a quick comparison between previous generations that used the smack and the current generation quickly reveals the fallacy of that argument. Our parents' generation turned out with ethics, morals, manners and a commonsense approach to life whereas this current generation has, by and large, dubious moral values, few manners and a big sense of entitlement. Of course I am generalising. There are modern families out there doing a fabulous job of raising their children to be moral and polite - kudos to them!

But by and large, parents have been failed by all the advice given by modern 'experts'. The smacking myth has done the most harm for several reasons:

(1) It lead to parents not disciplining their children until children were old enough to understand what parents were explaining. In the old days, parents started training their children before they could walk and children already had a basic grounding in manners and obedience by the time they started school!
(2) parents started waffling instead of disciplining. They warn, threaten and reading, instead. The result of this approach was that children started to take their parents less seriously. This led to less respect and awe, vital ingredients in being successful parents of teens.
(3) parents discovered that timeouts and other methods were ineffectual and became very frustrated. The result of this was a lot more anger in the home and thus the potential for explosive situations went right up.

The Arguments Against Smacking

Organizations make big outcries on a regular basis about the need to outlaw physical discipline because of the link to child abuse and violence, but there is very little hard evidence to support their claim. The research they quote never looks at smacking in isolation, but instead groups it with all forms of punitive punishment, including whipping. It is hardly surprising that the results of such studies are negative.

Smacking leads to child abuse and fatalities if parents are dealing with other issues such as poor parenting skills, drugs, alcohol or other deep seated issues. For instance, recent Australian research has found that the typical child murderer is a young man in a de facto relationship with the victim's mother. These are not cases of normal parents losing control.

In fact, I would argue that modern parenting styles actually make it more likely that parents will be driven to anger and frustration and lash out. For instance, in the year after smacking was outlawed in Sweden, child abuse cases rose by nearly 50%. A 2003 UNICEF study report on abuse-related deaths showed that four of the five countries with the lowest child abuse death rates allowed smacking.

Normal well adjusted parents know where to draw the line. They are not trying to hurt their child when they discipline them. If we demystified smacking again and taught parents once again to use smacking as the 'first line of defence' instead of the last resort, they would be able to regain control of their family - and themselves - again. It would be seen again as a training tool instead of a punishment.

The case for smacking

A smack has remained popular for so many generations because it is tried and true. A parent has to react rapidement to successfully correct a child, and using a smack as discipline allows them to do so. No thinking about appropriate consequences, what did I do last time, did I use the same punishment for their sister, how long should it be for? Just a quick, immediate consequence that lets them know 'wrong choice'.

For when you remove smacking as a discipline tool, what are you left with? Talking and weak consequences. The fact that parents are still dealing out 'consequences' well into their children's teen years is proof that this approach doesn't work well.

A child who is disciplined consistently and calmly from an early age should have well and truly learned his boundaries and rules of behaviour by the time he is 12. A well disciplined child would not dream of being disrespectful to his parents because the rules of behaviour are deeply entrenched after 12 years of training.

Parents can't effectively manage teenagers with physical discipline or even consequences. The basis of their control has to come from the awe and respect children hold for their parents. This is a rare thing today because awe and respect comes from seeing parents in control of their emotions, seeing parents as authority figures who always know what to do, seeing parents as all-knowing and all-wise, seeing parents as the source of laughter, fun, care - and consistent discipline. Modern parenting advice has successfully torpedoed a lot of those opportunities for developing awe and respect.

So what is the solution?

If your child is still a toddler, it is very simple.
(1) Resolve to never lose your cool again when correcting your children. Become a good actor if you have to.
(2) Resolve to use smacking as a first resort, not the last. Tell a child to do something once and only once, whether he is 9 months old (obviously have appropriate expectations.) At 9 months, all you are trying to teach is usually ' No, don 't touch', etc.) or 9 years. Then calmly go over, repeat 'no' and smack their hand. The smack should only be strong enough to sting for about 3-5 seconds.
(3) Do not explain, argue or reason with your children. They've either heard it all before, anyway, or are too young to understand.
(4) Be consistent! This is a very important rule as it is fundamental to teaching your children their boundaries. If you decide you are going to warn once and then smack, always do that. If you don't want to use a smack, it is still vital to be consistent.

If your child is school aged or older:
(1) If your children are school aged or over, it is too late to introduce smacking as a discipline tool. However, many of the same rules apply. Choose a couple of consequences that will cause discomfort and be consistent. It is important to find consequences that will be uncomfortable enough to act as a deterrent; otherwise, the lesson will never be learnt.
(2) Write up a chart and group behaviours which will receive the same consequence. This is as much a reminder for you as your child.
(3) If your teen tries to argue with you or is disrespectful, send them to the toilet for a timeout. Sounds funny, I know, but it is effective because a) it removes them from the scene so neither of you can get upset, and b) it is so boring that they quickly calm down. Don't allow them to come out until they are calm, apologise and get on with the job given.

Whatever form of discipline you choose, remember that children need to perceive that their parents are in control of their own emotions and impulses. That means, self discipline is even more important than what method of discipline you choose to use.

Do you wish parenting wasn't so difficult? It doesn't have to be! There are 5 key principles that you just have to master in order to raise a well adjusted family with a minimum of stress. Read more articles on these principles at 5 Keys Parenting.

What a pleasure to meet a respectful child! Raising a respectful child is one of the three Rs (responsibility, respect, and resiliency) that are part of a parent's job description.

"No, my do it. Get away." That's normal for a three-year-old to say. But it's disrespectful for a thirteen-year-old to say, "I don't have to do that if I don't want to."

A child can disrespect herself: "I'm so stupid" or "Nobody wants to eat lunch with me at school; I guess I'll just need to eat by myself."

Respect is a learned behavior, and the learning curve is full of obstacles. We'll look at three in particular: (1) it's a human tendency to look out for oneself first and ignore another person's needs; (2) it's tough to encourage a child's independence and at the same time look out for another person's needs; and (3) it's easy for children to handle mistakes too harshly and disrespect themselves. Let's briefly cover how to deal with these roadblocks.

Looking out for oneself first. If you don't think this is a human tendency, spend an hour with a toddler. If children don't progress past this attitude, respect for others will not develop. But don't skip validating your child's needs and feelings as you teach respect for others. Telling your child he should be disappointed or mad when a teacher's been mean is essential. After that, the second step works better: teaching your child how to deal respectfully with his teacher.

When your thirteen-year-old argues, take the time to hear her point, support parts or all of what she says, and sometimes change your mind-in favor of what your child says. Most parents skip step one (supporting a child's feelings) and go directly to step two: teaching respectful behavior. Don't make that mistake.

Balancing independence with looking out for other people's needs. Alex yells at the principal, saying it's not fair that he got an after-school suspension when his friends did the same thing and got off scot-free. That's independent thinking, but the comments are disrespectful. Alex's parents have done a good job helping Alex to know and respect his needs, but the delivery needs some work. How to balance independence and respect for others is a tough skill to teach, but it can be done with enough practice.

Handling mistakes too harshly. As a teenager, Erin spends too much time doing perfect homework and sometimes does not try activities because she can't do them perfectly. Four-year-old Taylor has a temper tantrum every time he can't find a puzzle piece or can't get a Lego piece to fit right. These children have learned that mistakes make them feel bad about themselves, rather than using mistakes to learn and improve.

Parents need to decrease this excessive internal harshness by focusing on and supporting the child's feelings that are causing the problem. Let's say Erin tells her parents she doesn't want to disappoint them by getting Bs or Cs. Now the parents know the source of the pressure and can reduce the grade expectation. Don't expect this internal harshness to go away overnight, however. It'll take several weeks to see the results of this approach of feelings first, correcting behavior second.

Here's the take-home lesson: Establish your child's self-respect, and teaching respect for others will be a lot easier.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love, in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids.

Visit his website for more information (media section included): http://unleashingparentallove.com/

Jamie gets so upset when kids tease her about her freckles. Lucas doesn't read well, and he comes home crying about how the kids make fun of him. Isn't there some way to help my child deal successfully with these down times? It's so painful to see my child hurting.

Good news! You can teach children resiliency - how to be comfortable in their own skin and successfully survive failures and being different. It's one of the 3 Rs of the unleashing parental love parenting approach: respect, responsibility, and resiliency. Here are three components of resiliency you need to teach.

1. Make failure a positive experience. Some days kids seem to make mistakes every time they turn around. And it's not natural for parents to be positive when mistakes happen: "Your room is such a mess; you are so irresponsible." But you can make failure a positive experience by saying instead, "Let's find a way to clean your room that works for you so that you do it by yourself without being asked." This is how you get your child to stick with failure until success happens. The rule of thumb: Make conquering failure successful through positive experiences. Count on it being hard at first, but with practice you'll get the knack of it.

2. Know (accept) thyself. The ancient Greeks were on to something. Knowing and accepting oneself is the foundation of resilience. Teaching resiliency often feels insurmountable, but when parents use the following simple focus, everything works a lot better: Help your child know and accept his or her feelings, the energy source that makes your child tick. Don't focus on what your child does by telling him you're sick and tired of his arguing. Instead focus on the core (feelings) of who your child is: "You must really befrustrated with my not understanding you. I'll be quiet while you tell me what you feel." Listen and validate all of your child's feelings, then problem-solve. Resiliency is all about your child getting to know and accept "who I am" on the inside.

3. Being different is okay. Being different comes in two forms: our physical features and what we think and feel about something. When your child's being teased about being overweight, you want her to respond positively: "I am a little overweight, but everyone's different. It's not a big deal, and I'm exercising to handle it." And your teenager needs to feel comfortable expressing differing points of view (respectfully) with you. How do you pull this off? Use this proven approach: Continually validate your child's inside thoughts and feelings, which will help your child know and accept him- or herself (the second part of resiliency). Feeling comfortable with what's inside (feelings and thoughts) makes it easier to deal with outside problems.

Follow these guidelines and watch your child's resiliency take root.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love, in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids. Visit his website for more information (media section included): http://unleashingparentallove.com/

Why does my three-year-old kid have more temper tantrums than other kids?

I'm sick of my six-year-kid arguing about everything!

My just-turned-teenager says no to everything. I'd like to give up, but I can't.

About 10 percent of kids are difficult. They are crankier than other kids and they don't respond well to typical parenting approaches.

How to discipline your child effectively under these circumstances all too often feels impossible and leads to a lot of hopelessness and frustration. Here are five tips that have been effective for parents throughout my forty years of counseling over 2,500 children (most of them difficult) and families.

1. Work on only one or two problems at a time, and let the others slide for awhile. Difficult kids throw a lot of frustrating situations at parents. Dealing with all of the problems at once is impossible.

2. Don't yak - act. Difficult kids can out-argue adults. Set a firm consequence without a lecture, and then follow through. Your actions (not words) will eventually improve your child's behavior.

3. Use a double-barreled approach: firm consequences and rewards. You need to take away things (video time, iPod) and add rewards (rented video game, money over a two- or three-week period for a Lego set, etc.). Difficult kids need more motivation to change than less difficult kids. This double-barreled approach is a must.

4. Don't yell. I know you're thinking, YOU spend a day with my kid, especially during a Wal-Mart temper meltdown and see how calm you are. You're right; calmness all the time would be sainthood. But, try to leave when you get too upset. (The store's greeter will not take over!) Lecturing and yelling will always make things worse with a difficult child. Come back after you're calm and set the limit. When you're in a store, give your child a stern, brief warning with a consequence. If he keeps it up, head back to the car.

5. Teach your child to express feelings as early as age two. Since difficult children get angry easily, start with the feelings of anger or upset. This will eventually help the child (not completely solve the problem) use feelings words for anger instead of a temper tantrum. As you are directing Amie to her room, point out to her that she's handling her upset feelings by whining. After Amie's calm, you can discuss the importance of using feelings words instead of whining. Talk like this on a regular basis and your child will start saying feeling words within three weeks.

Make sure your child is not experiencing emotional problems. Children as young as three years of age can be depressed. If your parenting techniques doesn't seem to make any difference, seek a qualified child mental health professional.

Using these tips to discipline your child when he or she is difficult will help your parenting challenges be a little less frustrating and move both of you in a more positive direction.

Gary M, Unruh, MSW LCSW, is a child and family mental health counselor with nearly forty years of experience. He also consults with clients' teachers, and administers training programs related to ADHD, bipolar disorder, and behavior management. In his book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-­Confident Kids (©2010, $17.95, Lighthouse Love Productions), he offers parents advice from both his professional view - with years of both counseling and personal experience - but also from a personal perspective as a father of four, and a very proud "papa" of seven grandchildren. Read more about the book at http://www.unleashingparentallove.com.