Argue With Your Teenager

"My teenagers are driving me crazy! I love them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but I just don't like being around them right now. I can't get them to stop fighting with each other...arguing with me...disobeying...being disrespectful. I'm going to lose it if something doesn't break soon."
Sound familiar?
If you're at this stage in your parenting, you probably feel absolutely hopeless. Your teenagers are running the show, and it's going to take commitment and resolve to get the power back-but it's vital, for their sake and yours!
Fact is, you're the parent.
You love your kids - it's part of the reason this is so exasperating and exhausting. You want things to be different, and you believe they could be. You know your kids would be much happier if they got on board with your expectations, but you just can't seem to find the way.
There are ways to achieve that, but first you need to realize that your teenagers are in crisis right now. They've been floundering without a lot of structure, and, probably with a lot of yelling and/or anger. So, before you can make behavioral expectations of them, you need to set behavioral guidelines for yourself. There are five rules for you to implement before you take the steps to reach your teens. Before you argue that it's impossible for you to behave well in the face of the way they treat you and each other-but if you can't do it, how can you expect them to?
Here are the difficult but basic rules you need to follow consistently:
Teenagers Promo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• No yelling at them-they probably don't hear what you say when you yell anyway.
  
• No arguing with them - you're the parent, you don't have to defend yourself or convince them.
  
• Smile and say kind things more than you say negative things. Teens are a product of what they perceive your expectations of them are. If they believe you expect them to act like monsters, they will. Empower them to behave well.
  
• Apologize when you mess up.
  
• Tell them you love them every single day.

Once you've made progress toward implementing those rules, you're ready to tackle the problems with the Six Steps toward reclaiming the power in your home.
1. Strip them of everything. This isn't the time to start with lectures like, "The next time this happens, there will be a consequence." I'm guessing you've been down that road. Now it's time to send each them back to their birthday, and let them work their way to the life of comfort and leisure they want, but don't deserve. Again, this is not cold-hearted. This is vital for the health and happiness of the whole family and so that these teenagers will grown into well-rounded, self-sufficient, respectful adults. That includes things like:

designer clothes
makeup
music
iPods
cell phone
television
sports
activities
etc...everything non-essential to life

2. Put it in writing. Make a list of the non-negotiable behaviors you demand from them. Short of meeting those requirements, they will receive only what's required by law: food, shelter, education. Anything else must be earned back. Slowly. If it's not in writing, it's open to interpretation. Then later, when they push back and want to argue about your expectations, don't reiterate them, tell them to do their own research, and read your list.
3. Require outreach. Get them involved in helping someone or volunteering somewhere that has nothing to do with benefiting them in any way. Let them see how rough some people have it. Once a week, or once a month will go a long way.
4. Get help! It's very important that, during this time, you seek the help of a spiritual leader like a pastor or youth leader who can help drive the point home. These efforts must be intentionally supported outside your home in order for them to have the greatest impact. A school counselor is good...but you really need and want the spiritual connection, too.
5. Don't rush the process. They shouldn't feel that treating people with kindness and respect deserves an iPod. What we're talking about here are the basic behaviors all human beings should extend toward each other. So let the process go on for a while so it really makes an impact. At a certain point, you'll know when it's been long enough-when the changes have taken root in the heart and aren't just on the surface.
6. Pray. Are you praying for your kids every single day? Are you talking to them about what's bothering them or making life challenging for them? Be sure to let them know how much you love them and let them see and hear you pray for them.







Blessings,
Nicole O'Dell, Choose NOW Ministries
...battling peer pressure by tackling the tough issues
Nicole O'Dell, founder of Choose NOW Ministries is a youth culture expert, who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life's tough choices. She is the author of a bunch of YA books, including the popular Scenarios for Girls interactive fiction series and the upcoming Diamond Estates Series, 2011-2012. Non-fiction for teens includes Girl Talk, 2/1/12, which she wrote with her two daughters based on their popular blog column by the same name, and O'Dell's desire to bridge the gap between parents and teens is evident in her adult non-fiction like the upcoming Hot Buttons series.
The host of Teen Talk Radio where "It's all about choices!", Nicole dives in on topics like peer pressure, dating, purity, drugs, alcohol, modesty, popularity, decisions about the future, and many other things that might come up along the way. Over the years, Nicole has worked as a youth director, a Bible study leader for women and teens, and a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. She lives in Illinois with her husband, Wil and her six wonderful kids--including a set of toddler triplets.

If you are the parent of a teenager, I am sure your patience has been tested more than once. In addition, if you are the parent of a rebellious teen, your job is probably even more trying. So what can you do as a parent, to really help a difficult teen? I think the most important quality you can have is to be unrelenting. Do not ever give up on them, on helping them, standing by them, or on parenting them. If you do, who else will they have?
As parents, our job is to love our children unconditionally as we guide them through childhood and into adulthood. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those difficult days...the days when we are exhausted, frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not infinite. There is always an end. Be unrelenting.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life, pursue them and show attentiveness in what interests them. Attend any events they may have, or accept and participate in any of their leisurely activities that you can. For instance, if you have a child who likes to ride skateboards, go and watch them at the skate park, get to know their friends, maybe attend a professional event with them, like the Dew Tour. Whatever it is they are currently passionate about, get interested in too. Also, be sure to let your teen know that you will always be there for them and that you are always available to listen.
Another part of being relentless is choosing to never give up. No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to learn more, to seek answers, to find the help you need. Nobody is born knowing all there is to being a parent. Therefore, learning is going to be a part of the process. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.



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Technology has vastly improved over the ages. People are constantly inventing new and improved technology, that some of us can't even dream to know how to use. Our children on the other hand, are already experts on everything to do with technology. Growing up in this era has made them extremely tech savvy, and they have a grater understanding of the topic then we ourselves do. That's why it makes no sense that the South Australian Attorney-General John Rauare and other members of government are meeting to discuss the possibility that parents should have complete access into their children's Facebook accounts. They are arguing that "[If] the world all of us live in day-to-day requires rules to stop people doing things which are hurtful or dangerous to other people then it stands to reason that the virtual world needs some form of policing," he said. "People need to understand that in some particular circumstances this (online publication) can actually jeopardise a police investigation or perhaps equally harmfully can place the family of a victim or a victim themselves in an extremely embarrassing or dangerous situation."

Mr John Rauare has a point, but like most of us does not fully understand this technology and how much our kids understand of it either. Kids now days are aware of the risks when signing up for social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace and twitter. They already have the knowledge needed to understand that once you post something it can never be removed. We need to stop worrying about what our children and teens get up to on these social networking sites, and actually check them out for ourselves. Parents have this obsession in their minds that their children are going to be attacked by 'pedophiles' or are going to be brutally cyber bullied but this is not the case. If you actually took the time to speak to children, more than half hadn't experienced either of these incidents. Children are aware and mature enough not to get caught in these dilemmas and do not need a parent to watch over their online activity. Even if we did give our parents access to their child's account it doesn't necessarily mean they would actually follow through. Research has showed that while 64% of parents are concerned about their child's safety online 65% don't use parental controls and 62% allow their kids to use the internet unsupervised.1 So if given the chance to monitor their children's cyber safety do you think parents would actually do it?
Another flaw with this argument is the issue of privacy. I conducted a survey of 28 teens aged 12-15 and found that 15 of them would be extremely upset if their parents had access to their accounts.2 It robs them of their privacy online if their parents can see all their messages to friends, view all their photos, see who they're friends with and view everything that goes on in their online lives. Why should we have to go so far as to 'spy' on our children, just because we may be concerned about their safety? Why haven't we thought to just ask our children if we can view their Facebook page instead of going into their personal business? No child especially in their teenage years wants their parents to see all their private conversations. If your child was talking to their friend you would go up to them afterwards and ask them to tell you exactly what they were talking about! It's the same with their Facebook's pages. It's their way of keeping in touch just like teens in the 70's and 80's used to talk for hours on the phone with their friends. When you put the facts out like this it seems quite astonishing that parents would want to know this much about their children's lives.
Parents that are concerned about their children's safety should educate their children on how to deal with these situations, and encourage them to talk to their parents and teachers about any problems they have. You should be able to talk openly with your child about anything, but if you go along and invade their business, it has the same effect of just reading a personal diary or listening in on phone call. Children will feel the need to hide things from their parents which is not a healthy relationship to have. So a message to all parents is, talk to your children, understand and educate them about the dangers but respect their privacy. Maybe then the government won't have to go to these extreme, unfair and ultimately wrong measures.
1. Research done by Microsoft Australia "For Safety's Sake" (PDF)
2. Survey conducted using survey monkey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PNGPDYD

When we judge by the statistics, it is estimated that about 100,000 people kill themselves a year in the USA. Of this number only 30,000 are reported as suicides. Of these 30,000 people, 2000 are in their teenage years.
First, the most important fact of suicide: Even if a person does die by suicide, that doesn't mean he chose it. If he knew he could have his life back without so much pain, he would choose life. Suicide victims are not trying to end their life; they are trying to end the pain.
Number one cause of suicide is depression. Depression is not the same thing as the "blues". The blues are normal feelings. Blues pass in a short time, say a couple of weeks. Depression lingers on or comes to pester a person over and over again carrying death.

Depression is a whole body disease affecting thoughts, feelings, behavior, physical health, appearance, and all areas of a person's home, work, school and social life. Yet, depression can be treated successfully just like other illnesses such as diabetes, pneumonia, ulcers, etc. Depression is an illness that surfaces when triggered by a complex combination of genetic, psychological and environmental factors. For its treatment, therapy and very often medication are needed.
Anyone can get depression at any age. If someone is suffering from depression, he is not weak or crazy; although, he may feel like he is going crazy. He does not have a character flaw. Having depression is not his fault. When a person has depression, he cannot talk or think himself out of it.
Image via WikipediaSometimes people who are severely depressed and contemplating suicide don't have enough energy to carry it out. As the disease begins to ease up, they may regain some of their energy, but may still have feelings of hopelessness, even though in the outside, they may seem to be calmer. At this time, they may try to kill themselves because they feel they just can't fight it anymore.
If you feel a teen is thinking of suicide, the first thing to do is to be direct. Ask them straight out if they want to kill themselves. They may answer you with a joke, but make sure that they understand you are serious and that they answer you seriously.
Emergency measures if you feel that a person is about to kill himself:
Do not leave the person alone unless you are in danger yourself. Studies show that most people will not harm themselves when they are with someone.
Listen to what the person says. What might seem trivial to you can be overwhelming to the person in pain.
Be the link to get help.
If you're a teen yourself call your parents, their parents, another trusted adult, or better yet 911.
If you are an adult, call the parents or any other help available.
For suicide to happen three conditions are necessary:
1. Intense and excruciating psychological pain
2. Wish to die being greater and more persistent than the will to live
3. An available self-injury method
Parents, family members, and friends should not panic, but they should be on the alert when they hear certain statements, especially when they are told in clusters, bits and pieces, and a little too often. These following statements may be the indication of depression as a disease:
"I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel like crying a lot. I feel so alone. I feel so helpless.
I don't have fun anymore. Sometimes I feel I can't go on living. I don't want to go out with friends anymore. I feel "different" from everyone else.
I don't really feel sad, just "empty". I feel like I'm in a fog.
I don't have any confidence in myself. I don't like myself.
I smile, but inside, I'm miserable.
I feel scared a lot of the time, but I don't know why.
I feel mad a lot, like I could just explode. I'm always getting into trouble. Sometimes I do things that are dangerous or that could hurt me. I use alcohol or drugs to escape or to mask feelings.
I don't feel like talking--I just don't have anything to say.
I'm so restless and jittery. I just can't sit still.
I can't concentrate. I have a hard time remembering. I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to "work".
I feel so disorganized, like my head is spinning.
I feel so self-conscious. I don't want to make decisions; it's too much work.
I'm so tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I don't feel like taking care of my appearance or myself. My whole body feels slowed down; my speech, my walk, my movements.
Occasionally, my heart will pound very hard; I can't catch my breath; I feel tingly; my vision seems strange; and I feel like I might pass out. This passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again. (This statement points to panic attacks.)
I'm frustrated with everything and everybody. I feel my life has no direction.
I have trouble falling asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.
I don't feel like eating anymore. I feel I could eat all the time. I've gained or lost a significant amount of weight.
I have headaches, stomachaches, backaches, and/or pain in my arms and legs. I feel dizzy a lot.
My vision seems blurred or slow at times. Nothing I do makes me feel better."
Signs of Trouble:
Abrupt changes in personality
Giving away possessions
Previous suicide attempt
Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Change in eating pattern - significant weight loss or gain
Change in sleeping pattern - insomnia or oversleeping
Unwillingness or inability to communicate
Extreme or extended boredom
Being careless and accident prone
Unusual sadness, discouragement or loneliness.
Talk of wanting to die - the words mostly used are: ending it all, end, finish, stop
Neglect of academic work and/or personal appearance
Family disruptions - divorce, trauma, losing loved one
Running away from home or truancy from school
Rebelliousness - reckless behavior
Withdrawal from people/activities they love
Confusion - inability to concentrate
Chronic pain, panic or anxiety
Perfectionism or restlessness
Life Events That Could Trigger Suicide:
Major loss...of a loved one
Other major losses like a home, car, pet, prized possession
A trauma, or loss of a relationship
Divorce in the family
Problems with school or the law
Breakup of a romance
Unexpected pregnancy
A stressful family life (Having abusive parents, parents who are depressed or are substance abusers, or a family history of suicide)
Loss of security or fear of authority, peers, group or gang members
Stress due to new situations; college or relocating to a new community
Failing in school or failing to pass an important test
A serious illness or injury to oneself
Seriously injuring another person or causing another person's death, maybe in a car accident
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The following are the guidelines given by the Yellow Ribbon organization.
To Help a Suicidal Teenager:
Deal with your own feelings first. The idea of young people wanting to kill themselves is difficult for adults to grasp. The first reaction is often shock or denial. Trust your feelings when you think someone may be suicidal. A second reaction might be efforts to argue, minimize, to discount the young person's feelings of despair. Remember that most young people who contemplate or attempt suicide are not intent on dying. Rather, at the moment, the pain of living is more unbearable than the fear of dying.
1. Listen, don't lecture. What the young person really needs in this crisis period is someone who will listen to what is being said. Try to understand from the teenager's viewpoint.
2. Accept what is said and treat it seriously. Do not judge. Do not offer platitudes.
3. Ask directly if the individual is thinking of suicide. If the teenager has not been thinking of suicide, he or she will tell you. If the young person has been thinking of it, your asking allows the opportunity to bring it out in the open. Isolation and the feeling that there is no one to talk to compounds suicidal thinking. You will not cause someone to commit suicide by asking them if they are suicidal.
4. Talk openly and freely and try to determine whether the person has a plan for suicide. The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk.
5. Try to focus on the problem. Point out that depression causes people to see only the negatives in their lives and to be temporarily unable to see the positives. Elicit from the person's past and present positive aspects which are being ignored.
6. Help the young person to increase his/her perception of alternatives to suicide. Look at what the young person hopes to accomplish by suicide and generate alternative ways to reaching the same goals. Help determine what needs to be done or changed.
7. Help the person recall how they used to cope. Get the person to talk about a past problem and how it was resolved. What coping skills did he or she use?
8. Evaluate the resources available and help identify the resources needed to improve things. The individual may have both inner psychological resources and outer resources in the community that can be strengthened. If they are absent the problem is much more serious. Your continuing observation and support are vital.
9. Do not be misled by the teenager's comments that he/she is past the emotional crisis. The person might feel initial relief after talking of suicide, but the same thinking could recur later.
10. Act respectfully. Do arrange with the person to be back in contact within a few hours. Offer yourself as a caring and concerned listener until professional assistance has been obtained.
11. Do not avoid asking for assistance and consultation. Call upon whomever is needed, depending upon the severity of the case. Do not try to handle everything alone. Go to the child's guidance counselor, principal, parents, minister, etc. Seek out referrals from hotlines, etc. Convey an attitude of firmness and composure so that the person will feel that something appropriate and realistic is being done.





Joy Cagil is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/. Her background is in foreign languages and linguistics. Her portfolio can be found at http://www2.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/joycag/